September 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I wanted to write you to let you know about a step I recently took with my submissive husband to reinforce the idea that intimacy between the two of us is no longer a gaurantee that he will have an orgasm. I hope that this letter is not too sexually explicit for the boundaries you place on your site because I think this suggestion is worthwhile for other women.

We have been following the ideas in your book for some time. As such, our lovemaking always involves him spending a great deal of time giving me oral sex. Generally, he brings me to orgasm through oral sex alone. Then, because I really do crave intercourse at this point, we have sex. I will almost always start out thinking that I will not let him orgasm, but by the time that he does orgasm, I have usually not had enough. We have not always had this issue, but according to him, his providing me prolonged oral sex is such an incredible stimulation, that he just cannot keep going as long as he used to be able to last.

To solve this problem, I sat down at the computer with him and had him order us an assortment of adult toys. These included a variety of vibrators, one of which in particular is my favorite. Now, after he has gone down on me, I will most often have him use a toy on me instead of having sex with me. On those occasions where I decide he needs to have an orgasm, we will either have sex before or after using the toy.

There are couple of things I really like about this. One, I now always get the physical gratification that comes from vaginal penetration regardless of whether or not it is time for his orgasm or whether or not he can last as long as I would like him to last. Secondly, I feel like in using the toys, I send him a message that I can be physically satisfied without involving his penis. Don't get me wrong, there are times that I crave the emotional closeness that can only come from having him inside me, but that is different. My physical pleasure can now be separated from his, and we are both the better for it.

Have you heard similar feedback from other women?

Shelly in Illinois

Emily responds...

I think your suggestion is a good one and helps to drive home a key point about how to make this dynamic work. You absolutely have to maintain intimacy, but you also have to disassociate it with his orgasm. The intimacy is for your mental, emotional and physical satisfaction, but for him... the physical satisfaction must be managed. Controlling his orgasms actually intensifies the mental and emotional pleasure that he gains from the intimacy and makes it a more meaningful experience for both of you. The vibrators are a great way to make sure that everyone is getting what they need. After all, your physical satisfaction should certainly not be a function of his ability to hold off on having an orgasm. Men who have their orgasms managed for extended periods are not likely to last very long once they do get to engage in intercourse. The use of adult toys is a good suggestion and definately worth sharing with the community of visitors to this site.

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Dear Emily,

I am writing with what I think is an important suggestion/reminder for women practicing orgasm [management] with their husbands.

Even before we practiced loving female authority, we abstained from sex during my menstrual period. (This is not entirely true as I would occasionally give him oral sex, but obviously, those days are over.) This practice continued after we first started practicing your methods, but I found that he seemed to fall of the wagon as far as being obedient and attentive during this time of the month. However, he shared something with me recently that has fixed this problem.

The issue was that because I was not interested in sex during my period, I would simply ignore him. I assumed that this period of abstinence was enough to "manage" his orgasm. However, he has told me that at least in his case it was not. He asked if I could tease him a little during the week of my period. Now we snuggle and kiss and I stroke him (but never to climax) before we drift off to sleep at night. This, according to him, makes all the difference in the world. Based on his behavior, I would have to agree.

Maybe you have already commented on this, but I thought it was worth sharing.

Elizebeth

Emily responds...

Actually, I don't know that we have ever come out and made this specific recommendation as it relates to that time of the month, but it is certainly consistent with our thinking. It is a major element of our approach that the mere absence of sex and the actual management of orgasms are not the same thing. A woman absolutely must be engaged in intimate behavior with her husband in which he does not have an orgasm in order for the practice to be effective.

Good letter. Keep the suggestions coming our way.

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Dear Emily,

Without any questions, my husband is more attentive, affectionate and loving when I do not allow him to climax than when I do. This seems great, but why should he only act this way when I'm manipulating his brain chemistry (your words not mine)? Why can't he be like all the time no matter what happened in the bedroom the night before?

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Oh, if it could only be so. Human beings by our nature are subject to mood swings. Be grateful that you understand how to manage his. If, however, his behavior is sufficiently unsatisfactory on the days following his orgasms, then you still need to take corrective measures.

Begin by telling him how this makes you unhappy and how you are going to do something about it. First, put some more distance between his orgasm. If he currently climaxes every third time you have sex, make it every fourth. Second, tell him that he will have to earn his next orgasm by having consistent good behavior. Thirdly, make sure that following his orgasms, you continue to receive some intimate pleasures from him. Be as bold with this as you choose, but at a minimum, he should provide you a massage as a token of his gratitude. Do not simply let him drift off to sleep as he would no doubt like to do.

Let us know how this works out.

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

One of the letters in your recent update really got me thinking, and I wanted to share a recent experience with you and ask a related question. The letter I am talking about is the one where the woman was flirting with the graduate student tutoring her class, and her husband encouraged her to continue with this behavior.

First, let me give you a little background. Although I am extremely extroverted and most people I know would never suspect it, I have been a closet submissive for as long as I can remember. For a long time I thought that I would grow out of this or be able to suppress it if just I got busy with my life. I married a beautiful (but traditional) woman, started a family, buried my head in my career, and just generally plowed ahead with my dreams. Despite all this activity, I never was able to completely supress my submissive nature. In one way or another it kept surfacing in my desires and behaviors. I developed some bad habits, and it has only been since I discovered your site that I have been able to make peace with my nature.

I finally realized that I could channel my submission into positive, relationship-building activities with my wife. I was worried that my wife's conservative nature would be the only thing stopping me. Up until the day that I handed her the book and confessional CD's along with a heart-felt card asking her to read and listen to them with an open mind, I had never imagined that she would accept my submission. However, after coming clean about my true feelings , this opened up channels of communication with her that I think we could never have had in the past. She understands so much more about me, and she has lovingly adopted the authority in our marriage as a means of making us closer. We have now been living a wife-led marriage for almost a year. During that time, she has becoming increasingly comfortable in her role as the dominant wife, and I have become increasingly comfortable in my role as the submissive husband. While she first tried to put the dynamic on autopilot, she no longer does. She constantly reinforces my need for her loving female authority with to-do lists, open and direct reminders of our roles (i.e. commands to do things, reminders of who is in charge), and [orgasm management]. She has become dominant even beyond my initial dreams, and I am certain we could never go back to the way things were before (and they were good then too!).

So that brings me to why I am writing. At the beginning of the summer, we were spending a week at the beach with another family that we have known for some time. One night, after the kids were all in bed and the parents had knocked off a couple blenders full of margaritas, something happened that had a strange effect on me. My wife was sitting next to the other husband, let's call him Jack, when Jack sort of twisted his shoulder and said that he was still hurting from a fall he had taken on a boogie board earlier in the day. My wife reached her hands up and started rubbing his shoulders. It was no big deal, and there was nothing overtly sexual about it. She just rubbed his shoulders and told him he just needed a good massage and another margarita. She gave me a certain look and told (not asked, but told) me to get up and make Jack another margarita. I did as she asked like I always do (the other couple has absolutely no idea about how our relationship has changed other than the fact that I am much more helpful than before). She probably rubbed his shoulders for ten minutes, and I don't honestly think that Jack or his wife thought that it was anything more than just the simple, friendly shoulder rub that it was.

For me, however, I remember thinking that it really excited me to watch my wife massaging this other man. I have thought about it from time to time, and then was reminded of it when I read last month's letters update. You said that many submissive men are excited when their wives flirt with or are flirted with by other men. I am not suggesting that she was flirting, but in a sense I guess that it had the same effect and I felt that same sense of excitement. I didn't understand it at the time, and still do not really understand it, but I wanted to write to let you know about it and to see if you thought that this reaction was something that I should share with my wife. She also reads your letters section, so if you publish a response, I think she'll know that this letter came from me. I will leave it up to you as to how you want to handle the reply.

Doug

Emily responds...

The letter to which you refer generated quite a bit of email. By virtue of the fact that I am publishing your letter you can see that I feel there is no harm in bringing your feelings to your wife's atention. In fact, I believe that husbands are obligated to share their feelings with their wives. Wives are better equipped to deal with emotional issues such as these, and they can help their husbands grapple with feelings that they may not understand.

The shoulder rubbing incident was perfectly harmless. However, the fact that she was rubbing his shoulders as she reinforced your submission with the special loook and the command to bring the drink had a heightened effect on your submissive nature. This is because the act of her rubbing another man's shoulders is symbolic to you, at some level, of her sexual power. She can touch (i.e. flirt with) another man, and you will still obey and submit to her. She is completely free to do as she likes, even as it relates to other men, but you on the other hand are free to do only what she will allow you to do.

In light of the circumstances, please consider that the fact that she gave you that look and the command suggests that she was putting your needs to sense her authority at the forefront, not your friend's need for a simple shoulder rub. She may have consciously or unconsciously understood the emotional impact that this had on you, and was exploiting it for your benefit. Since she is now likely to read this letter, she may even seek similiar opportunities in the future. I am ok with this in principle, as long as she keeps you and your relationship and your sense of submission as her primary motivator.

Now that I have addressed your specific circumstances, let me also state a few key beliefs that I have that may help provide yourself and others with some clarity regarding my perspective on this broader topic. I believe that absolute trust in any marriage, including wife-led marriages, is paramount to its long-term health and success. I do not suggest that wives make a habit of flirting with other men and damn the consequences. In loving female authority, a husband has many obligations to his wife; this is obvious. A wife, however, also has many obligations to her husband. For example, I have written in the past how a wife must continually make overt gestures of her authority that appeal to her husband's submission. I would also add to this that she must always make her husband the centerpiece and focus of her intimacy. As I stated, I believe you were in fact the center of intimacy in the aforementioned shoulder rubbing incident. If your wife chooses to engage in similar activities in the future, no matter what they be, she should only do so in so much as it it for your mutual benefit.

Just because a woman has the freedom to do whatever she chooses does not mean that she should make choices that ignore her husband's best interests. She should love and respect him enough to always maintain that primary goal of building upon the intimate bond between husband and wife.

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Dear Ken,

Feel free to publish the attached before and after photos. At the risk of sounding like a weight loss commercial, I have some very good news to report. Not only did I manage to lose 70 pounds in six months, I also managed to successfully introduce my wife to loving female authority.

When my wife and I married seven years ago, we were a trim, fit, and very healthy couple. However, as a result of a busy work schedule and horrible eating habits, I managed to put on about eighty pounds since we got married. I used my weight as an excuse to introduce loving female authority to my wife, and I asked her to please help me where I had been unable to help myself.

She put me on a strict diet and exercize program that worked wonders. The results, both from a physical and a relationship standpoint, have been pretty dramatic. Jenny Craig better watch her back!

Terry in Orlando

Ken responds...

Terry, while I am reluctant to publish any photos that we receive, I am certainly happy to publish your letter. It is amazing what men can accomplish when we submit to the women in our lives.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

First of all I want to tell you both that I really enjoy your web site. I think you are doing a great job with it. I was wondering if I may ask you for some advice. I am trying to get my wife to take charge and lead our home, specifically our sex life. I am more than willing to let her manage my orgasms. I am sure this would add spark to our lives, but so far she is resisting to take the control. Do either or both of you have any suggestions that would help me?

I would greatly appreciate any advice either or both of you would give.

Thanks,

Doug

Ken responds...

Doug, you tell us that your wife is resisting, but you tell us very little about how you approached her. Bear in mind that of all the foot-in-the-door opportunities for yielding control to our wives, her willingness to manage your orgasms is hardly the easiest point of entry.

Go back to your wife and acknowledge that your request seems a little strange. Make sure that she understands that you take incredible pleasure from being intimate with her, but you are tired of the "post orgasm" blues that come from male sexual release. Explain that withholding the orgasm is a way of continuing the sense of an intimtae connection with her. Tell her that you love intimacy with her no matter how she chooses to respond, but that you would just like her to be open to the idea of having her decide to stop you once in a while. It will then be up to you to demonstrate how much more affectionate, helpful and communicative you are in the hours and days that follow her decisions to hold back on your orgasms. Ease her into orgasm management and your chances of success will be much higher.

Next, go back and re-read the site. Re-read this letters section. Consider buying our book. You need a slower, more considered approach to the broader issue of loving female authority. There are no magic, overnight solutions for most men. It is a long, patient, but ultimately very worthwhile journey that you are taking.

August 2006

Letters from Women

Hi Emily, This is Jessica. You may remember a couple of months ago when I wrote you and asked advice on a dispute my hubby and I were having considering whether our five year old would go the expensive private school that I wanted or the public school which my husband desired. Well I basically followed your advice and wanted to tell you the results.

A couple of weeks ago I simply made the decision for us and went to the private school and filled out the paperwork and left them a down payment. In the week preceding this action on my part, I had been playing the role of a tease to my husband, constantly giving him sexual innuendos and the occassional sensual caress and love pats, but denied him any real sexual intimacy or release. By about the 7th or 8th day of these actions he was really going nuts and eating out of the palm of my hand, doing anything to please me. The same night that I had been to the school I had him give me a sensual massage in our bed, while I wore nothing but a G-string.

While massaging me I made the comments about how I so loved being in control in our marriage, and that I had never been happier, and he agreed. When he finished I instructed him to pull off my G-string and as he did so, I told him how I had went to the school and made the down payment. He flinched for a moment but then looked lovingly into my eye and said, "Well of course it was your decison to make, Dear, and if that's your decision I will support you."

Well, right after that, Emily, we had the most wonderful night of passion we'd ever had. We made love with me on top and both felt afterwards like I had just merged him completely into me, and broken him of any resistance he would ever have to my authority. Words can't describe what we both experienced that night, it was simply awesome. Since then he has been servicing me on an unbelievable level, not only carrying out my instructions but not even having to ask him to do something in the first place.

On a completely different topic I want to ask you about a situation I have at my college where I am finishing up a degree. I needed to get a tutor for one of my classes and was assigned to one, but it was in a group session. I found that the tutor was not giving me enough individual attention, and felt he seemed irritated at my constantly asking him questions.

Well, last week, merely by accident, I went to the session wearing a sexy revealing tank top and short jean skirt, and his attitude was completely changed. He was constantly at my beck and call, almost to the point that I was embarrased for him because the others needing tutoring seemed to notice the disproportionate treatment I was getting. Several times I caught him staring at my legs or stealing glimpses down my top. Ordinarily I might have been offended, but it is an advanced math class and I really need the help!

I felt a little guilty about manipulating this man and told my husband about the incident. To my surprise, my husband encourged me to keep this up until the semester was over, telling me its just harmless fun and that I really did need to make sure I passed the class, so why not? He even took me shopping to buy a couple of sexy outfits to wear! Emily, my basic question is: Should I feel guilty about manipulating a man in this way to get him to do my tutorial bidding? I am after all married and have no real intention of giving him what he wants, but this whole experience has me feeling so empowered. I'm really enjoying it!

Should I keepit up, just to get the grade, or should I cool it out of principal?

Thanks in advance for the advice,

Jessica

Emily responds...

Jessica, this is a wonderful letter in so many ways. I have gone back and re-read your original letter as it was posted in the March 2006 letters section. I saw that you already had an established, if not perfect, wife-led marriage prior to this incident. I think it is wonderful that you used orgasm management techniques to achieve your goals with your submissive husband. We all forget at times that submissive men, like all men, can be moody. While submissive men know on many levels - intellectually, emotionally, and even spiritually - that they are happier when in a state of submission to their wives, they are still vicitms of their own male temper and emotions. While this is understandable, it is not acceptable. You took the right actions in bringing your husband back to the submissive role in which he belongs and most importantly that he desires. You did not make the mistake of misinterpreting his defiance as a sign that he was becoming less enthusiastic about a wife-led relationship. You interpreted it as a short-term frustration and dealt with it accordingly. Next time you may choose to deal with his attitude problems more firmly at the time he disobeys you. Either approach will work.

Secondly, the story of your husband's enthusiasm for your flirtatious behavior with this male tutor is quite interesting. It is very typical that submissive men are excited by expressions of their wive's sexuality outside the marriage. Many submissive men report that they become aroused and their submission intensified when they observe other men flirting with their wives and vice versa. Just be very, very careful as you are playing with fire and should keep the loving relationship with your husband as your ultimate objective.

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Dear Emily,

I have a question for you. My husband had told me over a year ago that he wanted me to assume the position of head of the household. He explained, even if I still do not totally understand it, that he had been submissive all is life and that his submission to me is an expression of love for me. I read the Around Her Finger book, kept an open mind, and agreed to everything that you recommended.

For the most part, it has been great. It has been even better than I expected. He is more willing to talk and communicate, much more helpful around the house, less argumentative and overall, just a better husband. Sometimes, though, he doesn't seem to be with the program. Just the other day he snapped at me when he saw that I had purchased some expensive houseplants I had been wanting.

Was his submission a passing fad? What can I do? I was getting way too used to the new him.

Kelly in Virginia

Emily responds...

As I pointed out in my response to the last letter, submissive men are just like all men, and their day to day lives can drive mood swings that can cause lapses in their submission. Recharge your husband's batteries by having him kneel before you and reminding him of your respective roles in the marriage. Tell him again how he wanted a wife-led marriage, and now he has one. Give him a long list of tasks to complete and explain that you want intimate massages from him every night until you, and you alone, decide that he is attitude is sufficiently repaired that you will allow him his own sexual release.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

I've just read and reviewed a book called The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. It's concepts remind me of Around Her Finger, except one major difference: Doyle claims it should be the husband who manages everything, and the wife should say, and I quote, "Whatever you think," to all his decisions. This, according to her, makes him feel more masculine and lets him know she values, trusts, and respects his decisions. However, since I've been using the Around Her Finger strategies, my marriage has been fulfilling for both my husband and me. And no, we're not going to give up our happy marriage to try this!

I'm just wondering how or why this author can claim such success with her Man-in-control-and-woman-following-along-like-a-puppy method. She claims over 100,000 women have tried being Surrendered Wives and found success. She also claims to be a feminist and "former shrew," as she puts it. She does say the wife should relinquish "inappropriate control," but also that "If you think you're going to surrender in every way but financially, think again." So she truly does want the man doing everything and the woman just going along with whatever he says. Sorry, but I don't think so!

But can she claim this because all marriages are different, and there might actually be men who can be the head of a household? Or is it just a crock of bull in the form of another author expressing her extremely biased opinion? (One more thing, she says this is Biblical, which it is, but who ever said the Bible wasn't open to interpretation!) I truly don't get it. Any help would be great.

Thanks,

Very disturbed . . .

Crystal

Emily responds...

I have passed on responding to Surrendered Wives questions on this forum for a very long time, but I believe that it is only right that I address the subject.

One of the central problems that wife-led marriages solve is that the burden of negotiating decision-making in a relationship is lifted when the husband surrenders control to his wife. Logic dictates that this problem could as easily be solved by a wife surrendering control to her husband instead of the other way around. Why then, do I believe that this does not work?

As Ken and I write about in our books, we believe that woman are more naturally suited to decision-making then men. They tend to be less impulsive and more apt to consider all sides of an argument before making a decision. They are much more likely to consider the longer-term consequences of their decisions and take the impact of those decisions on others into account. While there are exceptions to every rule, the general superiority of female vs. male decision-making and problem solving is well supported by contemporary research and is increasingly the consensus thinking on the topic of gender and its impact on leadership.

However, I strongly believe that even in marriages which represent an exception to the above rule, women should still occupy the position of head of the household. This is because the impat of loving female authority on a marriage represents a catalyst for positive changes in the relationship that male authority and female submission can never replicate. A surrendered husband will be more affectionate, more communicative, and more focussed on the relationship as a result of his role in the marriage. This has been documented time and time again in the letters to this site and to the growing body of anecdotal evidence on the topic. Loving female authority channels the sexual energy of the submissive husband into emotional intimacy that makes the couple closer than they could ever be in its absence. Submissive wives, on the other hand, are prone to be less communicative than a wife in a traditional, shared-authority, marriage. Male authority is autocratic and one dimensional. Female authority is a growth experience for both spouses.

While the success of this site is evidence that many men are seeking out wife-led marriages, the success of Ms. Doyle's book is evidence that many women also desire the submissive role. This is unfortunate. However, as the world around us continues to evolve, more and more women will become bold about their desire to lead, and more and more men will feel the confidence required to submit. I have said before that men, in overwhelming numbers and perhaps without exception, are born with an emotional predisposition to be led by women. For cultural reasons, many men never allow themselves the luxury of indulging this desire. I think the growing ranks of submissive husbands is a function of the fact that more and more men have the courage to face this reality.

As to the Biblical implications of these two competing marriage dynamics, I will leave that to the theologins. I know that Ken and I, both serious and avid Christians, see nothing inconsistent with our beliefs on wife-led marriages and our core spiritual values.


Letters from Men


Dear Emily and Ken,

Thank you for maintaining such a wonderful and comprehensive site for so many years. I am a long time visitor and an continually amazed at the effort you put in to your work. I have learned a lot from you.

Now I am hoping you can assist me with a situation that is years in the making. First let briefly me tell you about myself. I am a 38 y/o physically fit guy. I work in management for a large company, and have been with them quite a while. I am fairly well respected, semi-intelligent, and come across as confident.

In the years I have been with this company, I have become pretty close friends with one of the women who reports to me. We have become close enough that she often confides in me concerning issues outside of work. I do the same with her. This has been going on for years now. We go to lunch together, fairly often, and yes, there is flirting on both of parts. I think it is safe to say that I am much more attracted to her, then her to me. However, I do know that she likes me as a person and trust me as a friend and a boss. I do not for a minute envision ever having an intimate relationship with this woman. That is not the goal of all this. I greatly enjoy her company and want to make her life easier.

I think you know where this is heading. I have an overwhelming desire to serve this woman, on any level. I am not the type of guy who gets this feeling about every attractive woman I meet, either. I believe she is open minded enough that she could be shown the benefit in having a guy who would do anything for her. Even better for her, if that guy is her boss. When I say "anything", I am talking about running errands for her, doing paperwork for her, simple things for starters. Knowing her like I do, I think this is entirely feasible and is something she would really appreciate. She is the type of woman that deserves to be spoiled, and I feel I am in a good position to do my part in spoilng her. Further, I think she would take to it like a duck to water, if I could just get through the most difficult first steps.

My dilemna is that I have no clue how to approach this. For instance, when she is at her PC at work and I am nearby, and hear her say she printed something. I rush across the room to the printer, and hand deliver her printouts to her, before she even has a chance to get up. I get a thank you in return.. Once I got a "good boy:, and I took that as a sign of hope. My response was a sarcastic "yes ma'am" I figure if I do things like this enough, she might come to expect or request it. Maybe I'm off base here, as it hasn't happenned yet. The day she calls me and tells me (not asks) to go run this errand for her, is the day that I feel like real progress has been made. I am just not sure how to ever ensure that, that day comes.

I am limited by much if the general advice I have read here, because of the work relationship. I am her boss and I have to be very careful on how to approach this type of situation. Also, I should mention she is married. Not a perfect marriage and there is no female dom aspect in that marriage at all. I have a strong sense that she would really get in to a situation where a man would fawn over and spoil her on command. I think if the cards were played right, it could come to that. My problem? I don't play cards very well. I cannot just approach her one day and say "hey can I rub your feet:" or "can I take your dry cleaning in for you today?" I just can't do that. I need more little subtle ways of getting her to the point where she would be comfortable asking or telling me to do these things for her. I believe she knows very little about female domination and I would like to be able to anonsymously refer her to some articles that would get her mind in the right place,. Make no mistake, she is a powerful woman, just waiting for enlightenment, I don't believe she has any clue of the benefits she could easily extract from men like me. And I equally believe if she knew the power she possessed, she would love to use it. If she were to get to this level, I would really feel like I did her a favor.

So how can I pursue this gently and where my job won't be jeopardized? What little hints can I drop? What little things can I do to let her know: "I want to do what you say, you are the boss"???

I realize some women are just never going to realize the power they possess, but I believe this one wants too and would be a natural. It's just a matter of getting her there. Can you help?

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Ken had originally written a reply to your letter, but I rejected it. As you know, I emailed you with some additional questions, and I now understand that you have taken no bold steps to introduce loving female authority to your wife. That said, I am ready with my reply.

In Ken's response, he had suggested a series of steps to slowly build toward a submissive dynamic with this woman. I reject that approach outright. You are free to fantasize about serving this woman, but your actions should not reflect these desires. Business is business, and I absolutely abhor any plans you may have to formalize a submissive role with this woman.

Instead, I advise you to be courageous in your marriage. Follow the lead of the many brave men that have written this site. Share your thoughts, feelings and desires with your wife. She deserves honesty from you, and this is the only relationship which will ultimately satisfy your very sincere sense of submission.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

First, I want to thank you for your site. What you have done in providing this information is a wonderful service for men like me, and it has helped me beyond words. For nearly all of my 33 years of marriage I have been aware of my submissive desires towards my wife and we had role-played this at various times, but only in the bedroom. Once we became "empty nesters" about 8 years ago, my wish to submit to my wife's authority only grew in intensity. I made some bungling mistakes in trying to express this to her. These included my writing a letter which was rather sexually explicit. This ended up in some discussion, discomfort on her part, and no action. These attempts were several years ago, and I had all but given up on experiencing this kind of relationship in our otherwise strong and loving marriage.

I had been engaging in stealth submission, but found myself getting resentful because she wouldn't respond how I had it played out in my mind. I would give up for periods of time, or I would become distant for periods of time, and I'm sure she never knew why.

Then I happened across your site. I took a chance one evening and showed her. She read the site with me sitting nearby. She said nothing as she looked over the site for about 45 minutes, then turned to me and said, "So this is what you really want." I nervously and sheeplishly told her that I wanted this very much. She said she'd think about it. While she was "thinking" I did my best to show her I meant it and I began volunteering foot massages, handed over the TV remote, she began picking where we'd go when we went out, I went out of my way to do even more chores, make her comfortable in the evening, etc.

We talked about it again and she said she'd give it a try. That was about 6 months ago, and things are progressing very well. She has taken complete control in the bedroom, chooses what I am to wear if we're going out, decides what chores need to be done, maintains a chore list for me, etc. Recently we took things to another level when I told her that I craved being punished by her. I had told her this before, but she had told me that "I am a nice person, and I don't want to punish you." This time I had made up a list of what might be characterized as more symbolic punishments that I was look for her to consider. I gave her the list. Again she said she'd think about it. I did not pressure her.

Just last week (about 2 weeks after we had the talk about punishment) she surprised me by having me stand before her while she told me I had to be punished, and she had me tell her what I'd done wrong. She gave me the "sentence," telling me that I was not able to sleep in HER bed that night and I was to go to a spare bedroom. She did this very sternly. I am not able to explain this through my own efforts at self-examination, but I felt wonderful in accepting this discipline from her. The next day I told her how much it had meant to me, and I have felt even closer to her ever since--if that is possible. I cannot explain how important this one step was in our developing relationship, but it made me feel so loved by her to have her punish me. Since then she has commented about the possible need to punish me in the future. I have told her that on one hand I don't want to displease her, but on the other hand I crave being disciplined by her again.

I am so happy that I found your site and that the use of this site helped her understand me and this need in an altogether different manner than I had been able to express to her in the past. I am now so excited to see her every day and to be with her wherever we're going and whatever we're doing. I truly feel like I did back in our dating days. I asked her over the weekend if she was okay with where we were at in our marriage, and she said "Oh, yes!"

There are of course many other details of how things have developed and are handled now in and out of the bedroom, but suffice it to say that I believe that she is enjoying the authority and finding that it is a benefit to her. For me, I have never been happier.

A couple questions: Do you find that the discipline/punishment element is important to most submissive men? Do you reccomend certain methods or ways of handling this? Thanks.

Sincerely,

Tom

Ken responds...

I hope you will indulge me by first allowing me to share some of the philosophical ideas that drive the selection of letters that we publish on these pages and our responses to those letters.

We receive many letters from men that ask us to address questions for which the subject matter does not contribute to the principle reason for this site's existence, that being an introduction to loving female authority for women completely unfamiliar with the concept. For that reason we have made some effort to focus on positive terminology and avoid words with negative connotations. That is why, for example, we now talk about a woman's management of her husband's orgasms for their mutual benefit as opposed to her denying his orgasms.

The very word "punishment" would seem to have negative associations to many newcomers, so it is not a concept we have chosen to discuss. However, we cannot deny that the idea of being punished by one's wife has tremendous appeal to many submissive men. It represents demonstrable and highly satisfying evidence of her authority. I liked your letter, and have therefore chosen to share it with others, because the punishment that your wife has chosen for you is the very thing that you crave the most... her physical presence. This separation will only serve to heighten your desire to have her close to you, and will intensify your desire to obey her completely. Just be certain that the privacy that your separation affords you does not tempt you to seek your own self-release via masturbation. All submissive men know what an orgasm can do to take the intensity out of your submissive desires.

Ken

July 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

A friend of mine at work told me that her husband bought her your book and asked her if she was willing to give all your ideas a try. I have been hearing stories about their "Boot Camp" for the last couple of weeks, and it's apparently going very well. However, this is not the point of my letter.

One night, I told my husband about all of this. He doesn't know this woman, so I didn't feel too guilty telling him. Honestly, I just told him because I thought he would get a kick out of it and think that it was funny. His reaction really surprised me. He said that he understood it completely and was always turned on by the idea of being controlled by a woman. He had never mentioned anything about this to me in the past. We have never even done the handcuff thing in the bedroom.

I sort of let it slide, but he has kept bringing it up by asking how my friend is doing with it. My question to you is whether or not you think my husband might be submissive. I would love to get your thoughts.

Unsigned

Emily responds...

I do think your husband is submissive. I happen to think most men have submissive feelings, some just suppress them more than others. In your husband's case, he is opening the door to you. The next time he mentions the topic, tell him you want him to read through the website (he may have already done so) and get his thoughts.

Assuming that his enthusiasm remains in place, take the steps that we recommend to assume a leadership role in the home. You should not have to be the one that initiates this dynamic in your marriage, but it appears to me that your husband desires it, and I think you will both be better off for exploring it together.

One final thought, you mentioned that your husband had always been "turned on" by the idea of a woman controlling him. It is important to realize that loving female authority is more than just a sexual dynamic, it is a relationship dynamic with a sexual component. While he is undoubtably turned-on by the idea of submitting to you, the desire to serve you is deeper and more comprehensive than you might even realize. As you grow into this relationship with your husband, you will come to understand this very well.

Good luck.

-----

Dear Emily,

My husband and I married eighteen years ago. Up until three years ago, we had a very typical marriage and a reasonably healthy sex life. At that time I was diagnosed with breast cancer and went through a very difficult year before I was able to beat the disease and start to get my life back to normal.

During the illness, my husband was very supportive and very loving. After I was well into my recovery, he remained so. However, there was now very little sexual intimacy in our marriage. It was as if he had stopped thinking of me romantically during that time. This went on for a very long time, and while we did have sex a few times during this period, it was always because I initiated it, and it seemed very inhibited relative to our old love life.

At the beginning of this year, he presented me with the confessional CD and the Around Her Finger book. While I admit that I was totally taken back, I was very open-minded about the ideas, and was honestly impressed that he chose to communicate these feelings with me. We implemented the ideas that you suggested in your materials, and we were both incredibly happy with the results.

Loving female authority allowed us the opportunity to regain the intimacy that the long illness had robbed from our marriage. If anything surprised me by following your program, it was the degree to which the new dynamic served as an aphrodesiac to both of us. There is something incredibly sexy about control and obedience. It also opened up dialogue and communication in a way that I did not anticipate.

I have no particular questions, I just wanted to write to thank you for your site and encourage other women to be open-minded to these ideas. They have certainly worked for us, even under extraordinary circumstances.

Paige in California

Emily responds...

Thank you for your wonderful letter. I am very pleased to read about your recovery as well as the renewal of intimacy after your ordeal. You and your husband are a very fortunate couple. It is important that others read success stories such as yours and know that these opportunities exist in their own marriages as well.

-----

Dear Emily,

I have a question you can help me with. Our oldest son, who is attending college, will be home for several weeks before he returns to school. In the past, when our sons were home, my husband and I have been very careful not to reveal to much about my role as the head-of-the-house. But several days ago my husband asked me if I would allow him to be more open about his role. He would prefer our son know that their father willingly does all of the housework, the bulk of the cooking, and defers all the major decisions to me. I suspect both our sons know, and have known, their father is very submissive to me, but he has never been completely open with them about his household responsibilities. What do you think?

I am agreeable but wonder about any lasting ramifications. Both my sons are much more like me than their father -outgoing, self-assured, intelligent, attractive - but I do not want to embarrass them by revealing too much about their father's submissiveness. I would love to hear you opinion.

Wendy in Texas

Emily responds...

Wendy, my instinct would be to not discuss these issues with your children. They should be able to see that their father respects his mother, contributes to the household chores, and treats all women with the dignity they deserve. Knowledge of the deeper dynamics of your wife-led relationship would, in opinion, only serve to confuse them. Consider all the care that most men undertake when introducing loving female authority to their wives because they are afraid of how it may be misinterpreted. I would be at least as concerned about misunderstandings and misinterpretations with your grown children.

If they should ever approach him with specific questions, he might choose to be more candid. However, under the circumstances, I can see no good reason to volunteer these details of your relationship.

-----

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

I am almost shocked at the existence of your website. I thought I was the only one that craved this sort of information. I have been VERY aware that I was submissive as long as I can remember. In my early twenties, years before the internet even existed, I would seek out pornographic material related to dominant female women as I thought that this was the answer to these feelings that I had. It wasn't. I soon became bored with it, and was left with no way to deal with these thoughts.

As the internet has come along, I have gone back to dabbling in the pornography, but I have a very definate sense that it seems to not only be out of step with my values, but it also does nothing but leave me feeling empty. This is why I say that I am shocked by the existence of your site. It is different from anything that I have ever seen before.

I bought your book and gave it to my wife to read. I guess I am surprised to say that she is willing to try the Boot Camp. We are going to start it when we get back from a vacation after the week of July 4th. Your other readers might be interested to know that I thought there was a very small chance that my wife would be open to these ideas. It was only the weight of thirty-plus years of carrying the burden of my submission in secret that gave me the confidence to share the book with her.

I will let you know how it goes.

Carl in Long Island

Ken responds...

I think that there are very few men that have a high degree of confidence that there wives will be open to loving female authority when they share these ideas with them. Despite this reality, we have received letters every month since we have been running this letters section from men and women that have embraced the model of the wife-led marriage for the first time. Let us know how your Boot Camp goes and how it ends up resulting in long-term changes in your marriage. I have every confidence that it will be a positive experience for both you and your wife.

-----

Dear Ken,

Thanks for your words of advice a couple of months ago (I'd made a financial mess and handed control to my wife - remember?). Everything is so much better now, and she has whipped our accounts into shape (and me in the process, and I love it!).

An online discussion raged hotly on the Sydney Morning Herald website here today that I thought you would be very interested in - it dealt with "Who Wears the Pants in your relationship?" and the number of clearly dominant women and acquiescent men who came out of the woodwork was quite a revelation!

http://blogs.smh.com.au/samandthecity/archives/2006/06/who_wears_the_p.htmlcheers,Mark (melbourne)

Mark in Melbourne

Ken responds...

Great news on your relationship with your wife, Mark. Your experience is more evidence that yielding financial control opens the door to marital control. I also loved the article for which you submitted the link. Maybe our readers will take a moment to email the author and let her know that resources such as our site exist to help the men that are actively seeking relationships like those described in the article.

-----

Dear Ken,

Wow! Finally a site that discusses submissive husbands and their desire to serve their wives without all the hard core porn stuff. Thanks. I've ordered your book and downloaded your CDs and am figuring out how to proceed.

The difficulty lies in previous attempts at submission. I do all the housework, cleaning, bill paying, lawn mowing, etc so there is little reason for her to "control" me in an attempt to relieve her of household duties. A lack of sex drive doesn't lead to any extra benefits for her in the bedroom except me not initiating sex.In a nutshell, I really enjoy submitting to her and love it when she controls our sexual intimacy. The problem is that she has little or no sex drive which results in her not "thinking sexually" (her words) and virtually no desire to tease me and deny me orgasms etc.

On your site you state the following:

A submissive husband craves sexual energy (which you can feel free to read as sexual "attention") from his wife as much as or more than he craves physical sex. He can go without the physical sex for extended periods of time, but he needs the sexual energy to feel satisfied.

In my marriage, there is no sexual energy just a tension that she feels because I'm doing all these things for her. There is no "payoff" for me.

Thoughts, advice....help please.

Paul

Ken responds...

It all begins with communication. It sounds like she is already getting a lot out of your stealth submission. Your service to her is appropriate, but as you realize, it is unsatisfying.

You need to make her understand what is missing for you in your marriage. Talk to her. Let her first know that you feel that there is a lack of sexual intimacy in the marriage that is leaving you unsatisfied. Make sure that she realizes that you are not merely talking about the quantify of sexual intercourse in which you engage, but something else entirely. Position loving female authority as an answer to this problem.

Remember that Emily and I do not advocate that you simply serve your wife and learn to live with the lack of intimacy that comes from doing so in a vacuum. We advocate a model that also makes her responsible for your very real need to know and sense her authority. This is the approach that will make you both the happiest in the long run.

I will say it again, it all begins with communication.

Note About the New CafePress Shop:

Many of you may have noticed that we put our logo on some merchandise available at the link that follows this announcement. We are hoping that some of you would be willing to spread the word by wearing the AroundHerFinger.com apparel that is being offered on the site.

http://www.cafepress.com/aroundherfinger/

New AHF Boutique Available

We have created a CafePress shop selling apparel with the logo from our site. You can find a wide variety of quality merchandise available for sale by clicking on this link:

http://www.cafepress.com/aroundherfinger

June 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I first want to thank you for your site. My husband and I have now been practicing a female-led marriage for about thirteen months. He sent me an email link to your site and asked me what I thought. My initial thought was that of course I would want something like this, but it can never really work. In the long run, I figured he would tire of the concept and it would have been a two-week fad. Now that we are into it for over a year, I really think it has the potential to last forever.

I continue to be amazed at how easily we have both adopted to our new roles. My question for you is how far I can take this? Are there any practical limits to what I can ask him to do and put up with from me? I love him and want us both to be happy, but I feel as though I have been reserved with some of my demands and expectations. I have this fear that the whole thing will blow up in my face if I push it too far. What do you think?

Jen in California

Emily responds...

I wrote a fairly lengthy reply to your letter which discussed establishing boundaries based on love and your mutual best interests. While this was all very true, I have deleted that reply as I feel that the content in this reply was largely self-evident. I feel like your letter affords me an opportunity to make a more critical point by simply answering your letter in a more concise, emphatic reply. I will be happy to answer the question with more precision if you provide some more details as to your intentions, but for now you can consider the following to be truth given some reasonable assumptions:

No, there are no real limits to how far you can push your husband. Enjoy!

-----

Dear Emily,

My husband and I have been married for two years living what was a very conventional, traditional marriage. He bought me the New Bride's Guide (originally claiming that someone had left it in the drawer in a hotel in which he was staying on business), and handed it to me to ask what I thought. Long story short, we just completed the two week boot camp idea, and have decided to go forward with this dynamic in our marriage. I remain cautiously optimistic that we can stick with it. I had no idea this would appeal to him, but after two years of picking up after him and living as if I was the submissive one, there is no way that I'm going back.

Here is my problem. During the boot camp, he did all the laundry, housecleaning, cooking, etc., but he did a terrible job. He has machine-washed clothes that are only to have been dry-cleaned, he makes the bed and it looks like it was made by a child, and his cooking and cleaning is just not up to my standards. Is this a common problem? Is there a way to fix it?

Unsigned in Indiana

Emily responds...

It is a wonder that we do not hear this complaint more often. Household work used to be referred to ceremoniously as Domestic Arts, and this was not without reason. I think the quality of domestic work is often taken for granted by the men in traditional marriages, and you are living this pain in your current situation.

The important thing is that he is committed to your authority. Use the same techniques to manage improvements in the quality of his service to you as you would use to maintain his obedience to you in general. Set goals, provide him coaching, reading materials, class-room training... anything it takes to get his domestic skills up to the level you expect. It is not that he is incapable of doing the work at your standards, it is more likely that he is not aware of precisely what is expected of him. We did receive one letter from a woman that hired a professional housekeeper for two days to come in and work with her husband to understand what was expected. Maybe this is an option for you.

-----

The following was not a letter, but was rather a review posted for Around Her Finger on the Lulu.com website (http://www.lulu.com/content/36837). We are reprinting it here because (in addition to being shameless promotion) the content is very relevant to those of you considering the ideas we advocate on the site:

I bought this book and read it after my husband (then fiancé) showed signs of wanting me to lead our household. After reading it by myself the first time, I talked with him about it, and then he read the book. Afterward he told me the book described just what he wanted, and our lives changed for the better from then on. We were happy before, but now we're both completely satisfied with our marriage and how we run our household. I'm the leader, but he's not just a follower. We consult each other, and I feel heard, listened to, and understood, not to mention that even my mother, who's been married for more than 40 years, has asked me what my secret is!

I highly recommend this book to anyone who's considering getting married or who's been married for quite a while, like my parents. It's never too late! All you need is an open mind and a willingness to try new things. You'll be glad you did; I guarantee it!

Crystal Kennedy


Letters From Men


Dear Ken,

What a remarkable site.

I wish this site had been around back in 1990 when my first wife and I struggled with my submission.

My question is about sexual intercourse. Should a submissive husband ask permission to have sex? Should he always wait for hs wife to establish when or if at all? Obviously I understand the reality that it's always up to her, moreover, how she establishes those guidelines is the law of the land, but what is the best way under all or most conditions to approach your wife about this subject?

Thank you,

Jon

Ken responds...

This is a very good question. We certainly advocate that the wife be in charge of sexual intimacy of any sort, but not all women want to be responsible for initiating this activity. There are a number of very good ways to manage this issue, and you can choose from among those options or determine if there are other strategies that might work for you.

If a wife does not feel comfortable verbally dictating the sexual game plan, she can devise different "tells" that allow the husband to follow her lead. You may recall from a previous letters section where the wife had the pebbles in the two jars next to the bed which dictated whether or not the husband was to have an orgasm on any given night. You could also devise similar cues for all levels of intimacy. For example, if you are rubbing her feet in the evenings, she may tap your head, or even just lay back and open her legs to indicate that desires you to go down on her. She might pull on your hair while you are between her legs to let you know she is ready for intercourse. There may be yet another sign which lets you know you have permission to orgasm.

Alternatively, she may want you to initiate the various stages of sexual activity and exercise her control by rebuking your advances at any stage she sees fit.

While it seems in principle that she should be the one that initiates sexual activity, this is by no means a hard fast rule. In fact, I doubt that it is even typical in wife-led relationships. I would welcome feedback on this topic and will post additional letters from readers that add clarity to this question.

-----

Dear Ken,

I gave your book to my wife as part of her Valentines Day gift. I sent it to her via email, also telling her how I wished to recapture the excitement of our early relationship, that I trusted her and that I love her. I told her I had already read the book and agreed with most of it and asked her to tell me what she thought of it. I haven't heard a word about it or any changes in her since. Can you advise? Should I take the lack of any sort of a response as a signal that she is unwilling to explore this subject?

Thanks,

Jim

Ken responds...

I think your wife's lack of response is an indication that she is uncomfortable with the subject rather than a sign that she is disinterested. She may in fact be disinterested, but you owe it to yourself to know that rather than assume it. Communication is difficult in any relationship, and communication about subjects that take people outside of their comfort zone is particularly challenging. That said, you owe it to yourself to ask your wife outright what she thought of the material. Engage her in a discussion that provides you an opportunity to better understand her concerns but also a chance for her to better understand your deep interest and commitment to these ideas.

Some women, when casually approached about this subject, assume that their husbands are suggesting it as just another opportunity to temporarily spice up their love life. They do not realize that most submissive husbands take these ideas much more seriously than their wives can know.

Talk to her. Be active in your approach now that your passive approach did not achieve the desired result.

May 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I cannot believe that I am writing you.

Although my husband has never mentioned your website, it is very clear to me that he is familiar with it. In fits and starts, he has told me that he is submissive, and I have come to accept and even embrace his submission. Because it might be helpful to others, I want to share our story as it has evolved so far. I also want to ask you a question, but I will save that until after I have level set as to where we are today in our relationship.

We have been married for thirteen years. With the exception of the time that my husband bought me a pair of fur-covered handcuffs for Valentines day the first year that we were married, I had absolutely no idea that he was submissive. In fairness, I am not sure that he knew that he was submissive. He admits that he has known that female domination related imagery and fantasies have always excited him, but he never even considered that a marriage arrangement like we now share could be possible not to mention desirable. He claims that it was a eureka moment that brought the idea to him, but I seriously doubt it. I doubt that he woke up one morning and just decided he would be happier if he could be submissive to me. I think it much more likely that he discovered your site and is afraid to admit this to me because it might suggest that he was looking for pornography and found your site by accident. In any case, I'll allow him his little white lie as where we are is more important than how we got here.

It was about two years ago that the changes began. All of a sudden, he was telling me that he would be happier if he could channel his energies into making me happy. He began with all the things that I have read about over and over on your letters pages. For him this included foot rubs, extra chores (more at some times than at others), sexual attentiveness, the purchase and very frequent use of a massage table, etc. We sort of talked about it, but he was reserved in his explanations and I was honestly not sure that I even wanted to understand what was happening. It seemed like he just went from being a selfish man, to a perfect husband. I was so happy with the change that I didn't really want anything to interfere with it.

Things did not continue without the fits and starts that I described at the opening of the letter. He would stop giving me the foot rubs and massages for weeks at at a time without any explanation. It was as if nothing had happened, and things had just gone back to normal. Because I did not really understand what was going on, and because neither one of us was really comfortable in talking about it, these fits and starts plagued our relationship and were a constant source of stress and confusion.

As many women who aren't communicating well with their husbands are likely to do, I went to some of my girlfriends to get their advice. One of them suspected that my husband was submissive and we together sat down in front of the computer to see if we could find any information on the internet. Let me tell you, it took a lot of sifting through some pretty wild content before we stumbled on your site. However, as we looked through everything on Around Her Finger, we both became convinced that this was the source of my husband's inspiration.

As a result of your site, and I supposed some trial and error on my own,I made some very real changes that have taken the highs and lows out of our relationship, or at the very least have made for many more highs than was the case before. One of the most important changes is that I have forced more of an open dialogue with my husband. As I have already indicated, he is still somewhat reserved and finds it difficult to talk about the topic, but we have made great strides. Just as you had suggested, the moment that we formalized our roles in the marriage was a major turning point for both of us. I asked him if he wanted to submit to me and if he understood what this would mean. He said that yes, he did want to submit, and yes he understood the implications. However, I was not sure that he really did. I explained that the days of turning on and off his submission based on his mood would have to be over.

He agreed, but let me explain what this has meant in practical terms. Let me start by describing what it does not mean. It does not mean that I receive foot rubs and full body massages every night. It does not mean that he does all the household chores. It does not mean that I always control the remote and never watch what he wants to watch. With all due respect, I sometimes read the letters on this page and find it very hard to believe that there are men and women living the lives that they describe. These perfect wife-led marriages seem no more likely to exist than does that perfect Ward and June Cleaver marriage portrayed in Leave it to Beaver.

What it does mean is that I receive foot rubs on most nights, and always when I request them. It does mean that I receive full body massages at least a couple of nights a week. It does mean that while my husband may not do all the chores (he works and I stay home with the kids), he does do more than any other husband I know and everything I tell him to do. Also, while I allow him to watch certain shows because I know he enjoys them, I also require him to stay in the room with me while I watch shows that he may not enjoy. It also means that he dotes on me in public and always strives to make me the envy of other wives due to his attentiveness and good manners.

His end of the bargain is the sort of reasonable submission that I describe. However, thanks to your site, I also understand that there are things that he wants or needs from me in order to maintain his submission. He needs me to frequently remind him of the arrangement that we have. I do this throughout the week and sometimes in ways that are more subtle than others. When just he and I are together, I always try to tell him to do things rather than ask him. I will often whisper things that I expect him to do into his ear and follow my commands with kisses on his neck. Anything I can do during the day that is intended to keep him on edge sexually is welcome by him.

As you know, the most important thing I do is to manage the way that he receives permission to orgasm. We have devised something that others might find helpful. I have two little jars, one of which is red and the other of which is green, on the night stand next to my bed. I purchased them both at a flea market. In the jars are three little polished stones. Whenever my husband does something sweet for me, I will reward him by moving one of the stones from the red jar and placing it into the green jar. Whenever he does something to displease me, the stones go in the opposite direction. When the three stones are all in the green jar, this becomes our unspoken signal that he is allowed to have sexual intercourse with me that brings him to orgasm. My orgasms always come first, this goes without saying, but the stones allow us a constant reminder that I am in charge of his sexual release.

So, having described where I am in my relationship, this brings me back to the question for you that I mentioned earlier. Because I had discussed my situation concerning the change in my husband's behavior with my girlfriends, several of them are now aware of his submission and to a certain extent the details of our new relationship. If I had it to do over again, I probably would not have handled it this way, but there is nothing I can do about it now. He is unaware of their knowledge, but perhaps I should discuss this with him. More to my question, however, is that they all want to figure out a way get the same dynamic working in their relationships.

One of my friends needs more help than the others. She is an incredibly attractive woman with a great deal going for her. Her husband is (to be polite) less cute than she is. He is also incredibly selfish and domineering with her. He works long hours, insists she does all sorts of housework beyond even normal standards (she changes sheets every day), and he spends little time helping out with their children, even on weekends. She has seen how happy I am now that I am practicing a wife-led marriage. How can I help her to achieve the same? Can a woman bring out the submissive side in her husband even if he doesn't know it exists? Does it even exist, in your opinion, in all men?

Your advice would be very welcome.

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Your letter is wonderful. You hit on so many of the pitfalls of new couples struggling to make loving female authority work in their marriages, and you provide such example-driven advice on how others can also be successful. I particularly like your red-jar/green-jar idea.

Your question concerning your friend is a good one. Very often, the wives of submissive husbands want to share the joy of loving female authority with others but are trapped by the obvious concerns for privacy that accompany the dynamic. In many ways, that is what makes the work that I do on this site so rewarding. In your case, however, the cat has more or less been let out of the bag, and now you need to know what you can do to help another woman in need.

Let us start with a couple of basic ideas. First, if your friend has not already done so, have her read our site in great detail. Make certain that she understands the core principles associated with the site and make yourself available to answer any questions she may have. Secondly, I am going to send you an electronic copy of our book. If you send me your mailing address, I will mail you a physical copy. The book, even more than the site, provides perspective for the woman that is struggling with a husband for whome his work routine and bad habits have led to a less than ideal marriage.

One thing you did not tell me was whether or not your husband and her husband are very close. Assuming that they are, your husband should be enlisted to share some high-level thoughts on how much happier he has become since he has put you on a pedestal and made your pleasure the focus of his energies. Your friend should then wait for the appropriate moment to share the book with her husband. It is doubtful, unless he is one of the many men that are fully conscious of their desire to submit to women, to read the book if it is just handed to him. However, she should give him the book and tell him that she has read it, and that she wants to explore some of the ideas in the book. This will allow him an opportunity to go back and read about the ideas behind what she will then be putting into practice on him. Most importantly, she should seize upon her sexuality as the tool to gain authority in her home. He needs to be told what is coming, and then experience, her taking control of him through the management of his orgasms. He is likely to resist, but if she can convince him to agree to a trial period, he will learn first-hand what loving female authority has to offer him.

Can every man be controlled this way? I really cannot say, but I doubt it. Most of the men that flock to our site are just like your husband. They want to submit to their wives and need the courage and the right words to convince their wives that this is what they want. However, I think that if your friend reads the site and the book, she can develop an understanding of principles that will allow a long-term transformation in her marriage.

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(Note: The following is the first part of a two part letter. I received the first part of the letter early in the month. The second part of the letter is an explanation of what happened after my advice was followed.)

Dear Emily,

My husband's 40th birthday is coming up, and I have been asking him what he wanted for his birthday. He didn't really have an answer until last week. He left for work in the morning, and he left me a note saying that if I really wanted to know what he wanted, take a look at the website he left open on the computer. To say I was shocked at what I found on your website is the understatement of the year. Nothing that he has ever done has ever given me a clue that he wanted this sort of relationship. If anything, I thought he wanted the opposite. I called him at work and told him that he must be joking, and he said no, this was what he wanted. His birthday is next week. What should I do? I am open to trying this, but nervous that it is going to turn out to be sort of weird. Please don't just tell me to talk to him about it. It's not that simple. I'm not really comfortable talking about this. I don't even know what to say.

Unsigned

Emily responds...

I am so glad you wrote. Please know that it took a world of courage for your husband to make you aware of his feelings. His desire to submit to you is first and foremost a way of expressing love and adoration for you given the difficulties that he probably has in opening up and verbalizing his feelings. Given that you confess to having some communication and comfort issues of your own, here is what I suggest. Please consider it only a loose plan and modify it as you see fit given your relationship.

1. First, write your husband a letter or an email explaining your intentions. Many people have an easier time writing about topics that make them uncomfortable as opposed to verbalizing them. Tell him that beginning on his birthday, you are willing to give a wife-led relationship a chance, but that first he has some homework to complete (see step 2).
2. You first want him to write you a letter. In that letter, you want him to open up about his submissive feelings. How long has he known that he is submissive? How long has he thought about revealing this side of himself to you? What fears and concerns did he have in sharing this information with you? How does he see your relationship changing as a result of this dynamic? What will he do to serve you? What does he hope for from you in return?
3. After you receive the letter, explain to him that you will give the relationship a two week trial period, after which you can re-evaluate that this is what you both want. That trial period will begin on the evening of his birthday, and during that trial period you expect him to be completely obedient to your wishes for the following fourteen days. If you have anything specific that you want him to do for you during this trial period, write these things down for him. For example, you may expect nightly massages, foot rubs, etc. You may want to provide a list of the chores for which you expect him to be responsible.
4. During the first five to seven days of the trial period, make certain that he is intimate with you every night. This may mean that he is providing you oral sex, or it may just mean that you two are necking on the couch. The point is that he should be aroused as a result of this intimacy. After five to seven days, allow him his first orgasm. Then repeat the process of denying him an orgasm so that his submission to you is once again exagerated by the end of the two week period.
5. As you approach the last night of the trial period, have him write you another letter telling you his thoughts and feelings over the last two weeks.
6. On the last night, have him kneel naked in front of you and read the letter to you.

At this point you will make a decision regarding whether or not you want to continue with a wife-led relationship. I suspect that you will both have enjoyed it tremendously and that neither of you could imagine abandoning it. Importantly, if you decide to continue, make it very clear to him that you expect your authority to be respected, and that you expect his continued obedience.

(Part 2: I received this letter two days ago, a little over three weeks after receiving the first.)

Emily...

Wow! I cannot thank you enough. I was the one that wrote you a letter telling you that my husband wanted me to look at your site when I asked him what he wanted for his birthday. I followed your plan almost to the letter, and my husband has become the most doting, affectionate man in the world. I am happier. He is happier. This is awesome! Even if it does not last, I cannot imagine ever going back to the way we were. We talk more, we are more able to open up to each other. Our sex is so much more romantic (and satisfying for me) than it was before. I just cannot say enough to thank you.

My husband says that he has felt submissive since the earliest days of our marriage. I wish I had given him this present for this 30th birthday!

Unsigned

Emily responds...

I love your story. Consider that the two of you may not have been ready for loving female authority ten years ago. There is an incredibly mature, sophisticated attachment that builds between two people that allows this to work as well as it does for you two. I am publishing your letters on our site as encouragement to every cautious man that reads our site.

You all know what to ask for on your birthdays!

Letters From Men

Dear Ken,

I was wondering whether you would do me the honor of giving me your expert advice. The problem is that the one morning my wife wakes up in a dominant mood and then the next day she wakes up and she is exactly the opposite. She then asks my permission for even the most trivial things.

I guess it also does not help that I am short tempered and every now and then loose my temper and forget my place with her. It makes me quite annoyed that she takes that. The more I tell her she should not tolerate it the more she does.

Signed Peter

Ken responds...

As to your first point, I think many women are not comfortable in playing the dominant role all the time. You should welcome the fact that she is willing to take charge at all and discuss with her that it is at these times that you feel most at home in the relationship. This is ultimately about serving her, so if she wants to exert more control at some times than at others, this is her perogative and you must learn to accept it. Just be certain that the channels of communication are open so that you both understand what is and what is not working in the relationship.

As to your losing your temper and wishing that she would not tolerate these instances, I can only tell you that I have very little sympathy for you. While none of us are perfect, or even perfectly submissive, lapses in your obedience and service to her are your problem not hers. The wife-led marriages that we advocate are about truly surrendering to her, not manipulating her into actions and reactions that fit your fantasy scenarios.

You are on the right track, just be patient and, most importantly, be focussed on making this work for her.

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Dear Ken,

I am so sure that my wife is not going to go for this. She is active in our church, active in the PTO, extremely conservative, and generally pretty quick to judge.

Am I just being paranoid? What's the worst that can happen?

Unsigned

Ken responds...

We do not take the position that every woman will embrace loving female authority. Some women will just not feel comfortable assuming the alpha role in the relationship. However, I can tell you that we have received countless letters from men and women that felt as certain as you do that LFA would never work in their relationships only to discover that it did.

What's the worst thing that can happen? If your wife loves you, she may reject the notion of a wife-led marriage, but she is unlikely to reject you.

You need to make your own decision as to what the upside and downside of discussing your feelings with your wife might be. Just make the decision on the basis of sound reason and judgement, not on the basis of fear.

April 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

About six months ago, my husband began dropping hints that he would be interested in my taking a more active leadership role in our marriage. Looking back, it is obvious that he was taking cues from your site. It started with foot rubs, back rubs, a great deal more responsibility for work around the house, and lovemaking that was definately more concerned with my satisfaction than his. Because all of these behaviors happened so suddenly, I knew something was up. I tried to talk to him about it, but he is not a man used to communicating on an emotional level, so I never was able to figure out what was happening. Then came the chaos of the holiday season, and things seemed to go back to normal again without any explanation.

Then, early in February, I was going running. I could not find my MP3 player and grabbed my husband's instead. I was fliping through his song list when I discovered something unfamiliar. It turned out to be your confessional CD. I listened to the entire recording. I later learned that he had only recently purchased it and loaded it into his MP3 players so he could preview it before giving it to me for Valentines day. I said nothing about it to him, but I did spend the next several days surfing your website and learning all that I could about this side of him that I never knew existed and only scarcely understood.

I had no intention of saying anything to him about what I had discovered. I was going to let him make the next move. At the time, I did not know what his plans for the CD were. When he gave me the CD in a card on Valentine's day, I pretended that I had no idea what it was. It was unmarked, and he offered no explanation other than to say that it was something he had been thinking about for a long time. He told me to listen to it sometime when I was alone and could be uninterupted. I asked him to load it onto my MP3 player, and I pretended that I would be hearing it for the first time when I went running the following day.

When he came home from work the following evening, I gave him a card of my own. In it I wrote some instructions. I told him I would be going out of the house but would return by 7:00. I wanted him to have a bath ready for me when I got home. I told him to light candles and have soft music playing. I told him that when I was finished with my bath, I would call for him. When he came to me, I expected him to be bring me a towel and a glass of white wine. I also expected him to be naked.

All went as planned. I returned home and the bath was waiting for me. After a very relaxing soak, I called for my husband. He entered the bathroom unclothed and knelt beside the bath. He helped me out and raised him arms to wrap the towel around me. I draped the towel over my shoulders and placed my hands on my husband's head. I brought him close to my mid-section, still holding him against me. Just as you suggested, I told him that I understood him, I welcomed the changes he wanted to make, but I would take them very seriously. He would be expected to obey me, and this was not a part-time proposition.

In the short time since we have been practicing your methods, our lives have been wonderful. We have never been happier, and honestly, we were already pretty happy. What impresses me the most about the concepts expressed and very much emphasized on your CD is the notion that his desire to submit to me is a function of his inability to express his love to me in any other way. Submission as a pure and uninhibited expression of love and devotion is an incredibly romantic concept. So while I have to admit that I first thought the whole idea was a little strange, the CD helped me get over this initial reaction and really warm to the idea of loving female authority.

I guess I don't really have a question, but I thank you for your site. Please feel free to use me as a reference if a confused wife should need a shoulder to lean on.

Suzanne in North Carolina

Emily responds...

We will take all the success stories we can get. Congratulations and please keep in touch to let us know how things progress.

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Dear Emily,

Can you confirm something for me? I have been getting emails that appear to be random spam emails advertising your site. I am suspicious that they are not spam, but are rather put together specifically for me by my husband. I am suspicious for two reasons. First, they are from an email address which ends in @yahoo.com. I would not think that you would use a Yahoo address for a spam campaign. Secondly, I know for a fact that my husband has visited your site because I have seen it in the history files of our computer (I checked after getting the emails). So are these emails from my husband or from you?

Unsigned

Emily responds...

I cannot say for certain that they are from your husband, but they are definately not from us. We have never sent out email solicitations of any kind. I suggest you forward the emails to your husband and ask him what he thinks about the site? This will give him an opportunity to come clean about how he really feels about loving female authority. Understand that it is extremely difficult for a man to share this part of himself with his wife. While it would be great if all men could be open about their desires, many instead choose to play games such as the one that your husband appears to be playing with you. That does not change the fact that his motives are driven by what appears to be a sincere desire to serve you.

Letters from Men

I guess I am like many people that write to your site in that I have been very aware of my desire to submit to women for a very long time. Where I seem to be different is that I do not really know that I want to do all the housework, surrender the remote control, let her make the decisions, etc. I really am just interested in the sexual roleplaying associated with being submissive. Do you have any suggestions as to how I might bring this up to my wife of eight years in some non-threatening way?

Unsigned

Ken responds...

I started to just dismiss your letter. My thinking was that while you are certainly welcome to pursue whatever course you want with your wife, your goals and that of this site simply are inconsistent. We want to help those that are genuinely interested in wife-led marriages, and we leave the rest of you to your own devices. However, I am posting your letter in the hopes that you will reconsider what you really want.

Do you honestly think that occasional sexual role-playing will ever satisfy you? If you have the same self-awareness of your submission that I share with so many men that write to me at this site, you will never be truly happy until you surrender to your wife. I am sending you an electronic copy of our book. I encourage you to read it with an open mind. Suggest to your wife that you try the Boot Camp trial period that we discuss in the book. Afterwards, write me and tell me that you can honestly say that the moment at which she acknowledges her leadership role, and that she expects you to obey her wishes, is not a life-changing experience. I doubt that you will tell me that the joy in being willfully denied sexual gratification as a means of enforcing your submission is not infinitely more satisfying than mere role-playing.

I am very hopeful that I will hear from you again soon.

---

Dear Emily and Ken:

This is a follow-up email from last month. As a month has passed and my path is more clear, I wanted to send this one other message. I know you don't answer men's emails, but I wanted to send this note of thanks.

I have the confessional CD (intimate version) and AHF book (actually my lovely wife has had them both for a couple months) and I have been faithfully reading the letters update page. My question before had involved how to undo the clumsy introduction to my wife of my interest in this kind of new dynamic in our marriage. I had hoped an answer might appear in the March blog, but realize space is tight. I think I have my answer in any case.

Since I last wrote I have taken to heart some of the comments you both made in earlier postings where you spoke of taking the time to let the process work itself out, to let her become aware of what's intended, and not hurry her. To take it one step at a time and allow her to see and assume it for herself. Patience comes hard for me especially because I so long for my wife to become more at ease with the control she really already has...if she would awaken to it, or more truthfully, be willing to exercise it. She is pretty traditional, yet can be forceful, firm, controlling at times of me and others (and other times a playful, child-like thing...I'm crazy in love with her!).

Since I gave her the CD and book, and a couple notes afterwards asking what she thought (I was too afraid to raise it in person figuring she would just reject me), I have not heard anything from her about this. She allows me to do an increasing number of chores without stopping me and is accepting an occasional massage and more affectionate touching that leads to nothing more. We have had a couple of deeply intimate times where I was self-less (thanks for the ideas, it's incredible to be so, I never knew how much) and I am much less assertive now in coming on to her, instead letting her set the pace for us. I have sidestepped some fights by agreeing with her, and I am actively paying more attention to her in routine matters. She is also getting used to using the remote control most all of the time without hesitation now! All of this she is allowing and even seeming to enjoy as I slowly escalate my submission. I doubt she has read the book, but I believe she listened to the CD I gave her and reviewed your website when I first mentioned it.

I have seen that the biggest change between us isn't in her but in me, to change my attitude of being centered on me and what I want, to become more about her and what she needs and will enjoy. I know there are benefits to this kind of relationship for her, and have found since I wrote to you a new determination to offer it, invisibly for now, in my pitching in on housework, making her feel sought and dated all over again, and my having an attention on her more than me. Sounds like things any good husband should be doing, huh? That's what so amazingly simple about your work...it makes sense. It has inspired me to serve her in ways deeper and more genuinely her-focused than I probably ever have before. Doing for her...more than doing for her to meet my needs...is a change of focus for me, and more than I expected.

As one expression of my submission too, I have put myself on a stealth allowance, taken my debit and credit cards out of my wallet, and am seeing the financial accounts as hers which I manage. Doing this has been an eye-opener to my feeling submissive as well and I can see some of what Ken meant when you wrote some time ago, "In our own household, Emily keeps me on an allowance. It is a constant and pleasant reminder of her status as head of the household."

I now am two months into this submission and know that I am going ahead slowly and deliberately. At some point, I will raise my request again and invite her discussion. I know me well enough that I need a formal acceptance and affirmation of her control. Until then, as I show her what can be, thank you for your good work and creative ideas. You have given me a fresh hope of how our marriage can evolve and be much more fulfilling in our empty nest years ahead. I certainly wish I had found you sooner, but maybe I wasn't ready for it till now.

Roger

Ken responds...

Roger, Emily and I are both incredibly happy for you. Please know that both of us, along with an ever growing audience of our readers, supports you and wishes you the best.

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Hi Emily and Ken,

Thank you for your website - it has helped me to recognize and put words to desires I have long known I had but was never really able to explain or understand. I have always considered myself to be submissive, but I never was really turned on by the "mistress/slave" thing or by leather-clad dominatrixes. I want to be the same person, with the same talents and drive and ambition, I just want to put all of my energy at the service of my wife and accept her direction and control.

Since finding your website last week, I started taking notes about how my marriage seems to match the pattern of "stealth submission." Here are a few:

1.) She has control of our finances. We have two accounts, a joint one where my paycheck goes, and one that is hers alone - her paycheck and some other money she had is in there. I never questioned her on how she chooses to spend her own money. If she wants to buy something - and we've made some large purchases - I've helped with all the details, but she has made the final decision. On the other hand, she has full access to the joint account, and my paycheck is mostly used to pay bills. I voluntarily keep her fully informed of how my money is spent, and she makes sure I am not slacking off on billpaying. If I run out of cash, which happens frequently, she will give me money on a daily basis - as much as she sees fit. I rarely make any purchases for myself, and I always ask if she minds if I get something for myself, like a music CD or a DVD. Sometimes, she doesn't mind and allows me to buy it.

2.) She controls the remote. In the past, she used to ask me what I wanted to watch, and if there wasn't anything in particular she wanted, she'd give the remote to me. Now, she doesn't bother asking me what I want, and if there is nothing good on, she'll put on Travel Channel or something similar, which she knows I don't particularly care for. I never complain. If I really want to see something, I will ask her. Sometimes, she will let me watch it.

3.) If she calls my name, I will pretty much routinely drop whatever I am doing and go to her immediately. If she tells me to do something, I do it right away. I've noticed times over this past weekend where she has given me a series of tasks to do while she just stands there and watches. This weekend, for example, she told me to do a load of dishes before leaving the house to go get bagels and then to get a haircut (which she told me to get). While I was doing all that, she was watching TV in the bedroom. I did as I was told.

4.) Her tastes rule. She decides where we go on vacation, what we do on the weekends, what we have for dinner. We listen to her radio station or her CDs in the car. She buys my clothes, and over the past year she has changed my style of dress pretty dramatically. (My co-workers have commented on it - and I have to say, it is better than what I used to wear.) She picked out my new glasses and my new haircut. She asks my opinion, and sometimes goes along with it, but she doesn't hesitate to overrule me whenever she pleases.

5.) We have not argued once in the past year and a half. I thought we were just getting along better, but now I realize that I have been giving in to her wishes. Not only that, I have been enthusiastic about her wishes.

6.) In the bedroom, we make love only when she wants to, and then we do it the way she likes. I initiate, but I get turned down a lot.

Since I've recognized all this, I have thought about either continuing in the status quo, where I serve her and she seems to accept my service without either of us actually acknowledging it, or telling her how I feel and seeing what happens. I've written her a letter, which I have not yet given her. I may wait for a bit, because we are going through some changes in our life right now and I think that it might not be the best time to suddenly reveal to her that her husband is submissive.

In the letter, I tell her that I want to serve her as a knight serves his Lady. I tell her that I am still the same person she has always known, because this tendency has always been a part of me and has always been a part of our interaction. The difference is I am formally acknowledging it. I pledge her my devotion and invite her to take her place on the pedastal.

I also tell her that even if she chooses to keep things the way they are, at least I have shared a very secret and personal part of myself with her, and this secret will no longer be something that keeps me from total honesty. I will be an open book.

I am fairly confident that my letter communicates what I want to say. How she reacts to it is another story...

I think there is a good chance she already recognizes this about me. She is pretty perceptive. If she doesn't already recognize it, I think this might be like a missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle that suddenly puts everything else about me into perspective. I also think that she enjoys being in control, especially because I think she felt deprived of control for so long in our marriage - so there is a chance she would take me up on this.

Any feedback you have for me would be greatly appreciated.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

Wow, your relationship seems so close to the perfect model of loving female authority that so many readers on this site are striving to reach. I would definately recommend that you pick a time that feels right to you to articulate your desire to serve her in a more formal LFA relationship. This is the only piece missing on your path to truly finding what you seek.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

I came across your great website about 2 months ago, I was so impressed that I bought the downloadable version of your book Around Her Finger from Lulu, it was also very good. This helped me to make up my mind that I should tell my wife (who is 4 years older than I and have been married to for 12 years) that I had these feeling and desires for her.

I had already been doing what you call stealth submission for about a year. I was doing most of the shopping, washing, ironing, foot and back massages, oral service, making tea and doing anything else that I could think of to please her. I did derive great pleasure and satisfaction for doing these things for my wife, but it just seemed there was something missing

I followed your advice and sent my wife an email, timing it to arrive when I knew my wife would be at home alone all morning. When I got home that day my wife was very upset and had been crying. She said it was very unfair leaving her with that email for all that time, and we sort of argued for the rest of the day, I asked if she had read the website she said something about skimming it but I think she missed the most important bits. I was feeling quite down and rejected.

So here I am two months down the line, and my wife seem to have forgotten about everything, and we are carrying on as normal. She even seems to get upset when I do the washing and some other jobs, saying that I am taking things that give her meaning in her life. She has also mentioned that managing money really scares her; this might be one hurdle that we need to get over. She is also not very comfortable with denying me my pleasure, always insisting that it is my turn.

I have tried to keep this email short. How do you think I should move this forward? Is this as far as I will ever get with a female lead marriage? Is there any hope or advice that you could give me? I love my wife dearly, but I yearn for her to take up her rightful place as the head of the family.

Thanking you in anticipation for any help and advice. Keep up your great work with your website.

Regards

Jay

Ken responds...

I wish that I could say yours was the first such letter that we have received describing a wife that rejects loving female authority upon first being introduced to the concept. One observation that I offer is that your letter seems to have one thing in common with the others that I have seen which have been similar to it. It seems that you threw this concept over the fence to your wife... stepped back... received her reaction, then sulked. You never really discussed this with her.

Your wife clearly has issues stepping outside the traditional role that she has imagined for herself. She may never be really comfortable with the idea of LFA, but truth be told, you do not know that yet. You have not spoken to her about it directly. You have not had a chance to hear her specific concerns and for her to understand how deeply rooted your submission really is to you. I doubt very seriously that she has even considered the fact that submission is an expression of love from someone that has difficulty in opening up about their emotions.

I recommend that you set aside some time with your wife for a very open and candid conversation. Do not think of it as an opportunity to sell her on the concept. Instead think of it as an opportunity to educate her on your feelings and for you to learn more about hers. Solicit her help in trying to understand where these feelings come from and what you can do about them. Consider this conversation a new starting point from which you can work together to define a relationship dynamic that works for both of you.

----

Ken and Emily,

Hello,I’d like to thank you for your site. It has been a real eye-opener for me. There are so many things that have occurred naturally in our relationship that I have always comfortably accepted and they now all make more sense. For instance,- she chooses who drives the car when we go on family outings. She is the initiator of sex, and I have always felt more fulfilled when her needs are met, rather than my own. She makes decisions about healthcare and education for our children. She determines our social schedule, etc.

I felt an enormous sense of relief and release when I came across your site, because the concept of a female-led relationship just seems so right to me. I really want to communicate to my wife my willingness to accept her authority explicitly (rather than "by stealth" as has been the case to date), but I have a bit of a problem to confront. You see, even though my wife is naturally the dominant member of our partnership, I have always had financial responsibility. I should point out that my wife does not work (her choice) and stays home to look after our young children whilst I work and earn a good salary. The problem is that I have done a terrible job of managing our finances and, unbeknownst to her, I am in a serious amount of unsecured debt. Because she does not know, I have not been able to hand over the finances.

I am intending to confess all and hoping that she will forgive my indiscretions and take charge, and that perhaps we can then work our way out of this situation. Just so you know, my debt is not the result of gambling, drugs or anything other than living outside our means and trying to give our family more (monetarily) than I was capable of. Anyway, your site is helping me to gain the courage to tell her all, and it has given me hope that perhaps with her at the reins, we can get back on track.

I will let you know how things turn out.

Mark, Melbourne - Australia

Second letter from Mark

Hello again. Further to my message yesterday, I wanted to tell you I came clean and told my wife all about my financial problems and debt. I was surprised (and ashamed) when she took it all calmly and considerately. She reasssured me that everything would be OK. She also agreed to take control over the finances. This outcome was beyond my wildest expectations.

Anyway, as I said in my letter yesterday, it has been a matter of course that I have been submitting to my wife over the years. Her taking over the finances seems like just a logical progression. My question is as follows - with this natural progression, how important do you think it is for me to express my desire to submit, and for my wife to consciously and formally take the dominant role?

Hope to hear your thoughts,

Mark, Melbourne - Australia

Ken responds...

Mark, your second letter indicates that the dilemma you posed in your first letter had an obvious solution, and you acted on that solution on your own initiative. When in doubt, always let the woman take control.

As to the question in your second letter, nobody can answer that question better than you. Her needs are already being met in that you are already serving her. Formalizing her authority is really more about your needs than hers. As you read often on this site, most men have a difficult time sustaining unilateral, stealth submission absent the formalization of her authority and her active management of your orgasms. In my opinion, opening up to her will be best for both of you. She will appreciate your honesty and will better understand your true feelings. You will, if all goes well, find yourself in the type of relationship that many men only dream of finding.

Best of luck.