August 2007

Welcome to the August Updates

Welcome to the August updates. While we are fighting the heat and unusually busy demands of the season, we are aware that we are not the only ones distracted by the summer. So as always, we see modest traffic declines to our site in the summer months. This is also reflected in similar slumps in book sales, letters to our updates section and, to a degree, even the subject and tone of these letters. So this said, we hope that your commitment to moving forward with your female-led relationships remains strong and does not undergo the same seasonal declines. Loving female authority works best as a permanent, ongoing dynamic.

As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):

Emily Dot Addison At Gmail Dot Com

Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger

Letters from Women

Emily,

It was about three months ago that something happened that initiated a series of events that ultimately led me to your site and your methods.

My husband and I both had pretty terrible weeks at work. We had planned on going out to dinner on that Friday night. We were planning on going to a special restaurant that I had really wanted to try, but he arrived home at 7:05, five minutes late for a 7:00 reservation all the way across town. He did not answer his cell phone during the hour prior to coming home.

Both of us are ordinarily very calm, collected people. I seldom show my temper. This night, however, it was different. He got home, and I let him have it. I told him that for now on, I was going to start getting more of what I wanted in the relationship. I told him I had been happy to let him make most of the decisions in the home, but now it was going to be different. I was going to be in charge.

To my surprise, he didn’t argue back. He just sat there. I became angry, I suppose, at the fact that he wasn’t engaging me. I told him to fix me some dinner and bring it to me in the bedroom. About thirty minutes later he came back into the bedroom with one of my favorite pasta dishes and a glass of wine. I was now sitting up in bed reading. He set the pasta and wine on the nightstand beside me. Then he went into the closet and picked up the hamper of dirty clothes. Without saying anything, he took it into the basement and got the laundry started.

When he came back upstairs he asked if there was anything else he could do. Now you have to understand that at this point I really didn’t know what was happening. I thought it most likely that he was going over the top as a spiteful reaction to my outburst. I really had no idea that he was a closet submissive and that my outburst had actually triggered something in him that he found irresistible. So again, thinking it was spite, I told him to go ahead and get some lotion to rub my feet. So there I was, eating dinner in bed while my husband sat at the foot of the bed rubbing lotion between my toes! I now was curious as to how far I could take this.

When I finished eating I took off my clothes and rolled over on my stomach telling him that I wanted a full body massage. This he did, but not before he dimmed the lights and lit a candle. I then said nothing as he gave me one of the best massages of my life. At this point, I didn’t care if it was spite or not, I was enjoying all this too much to complain. Later that night we made love (no orgasm management involved), and it was great. He was very generous, and as I recall, I had to pull him up from me so that we could move from his giving me oral sex to intercourse.

The following weeks saw a more moderated replay of that night. He had definitely changed attitudes. All he would say is that I was right, and he had been a little selfish in the relationship. Again, I didn’t care to delve any deeper as I was happy with the situation.

Shortly after all of this occurred; I went out of town with a girlfriend of mine for a baby shower of a mutual friend. On the ride up, I shared the story of my husband’s sudden change with my friend. She told me that she thought my husband was submissive. As I said, this had never occurred to me, but my friend was very serious. She did not have any personal experience with male submission, but she knew a friend that had once confided to her that they had a wife-led marriage. Her friend’s marriage was, quite frankly, much more intense that what your site seems to advise. It involved [all sort of activity]. I really didn’t think I was ready to hear about, and I didn’t know that my husband was either (although now I know that there is nothing related to this subject about which he did not know). She suggested I look up some stuff on the internet, and if I felt comfortable, she would even put me in touch with her friend.

The content I found on the internet wasn’t helpful at all as it was mostly pornography. Given that I got nowhere with the internet, my friend arranged a call with this other woman. She seemed perfectly nice, and we agreed to get together for lunch. My first impression was that she was normal. She was older than me, but she could have been the woman sitting next to me in church, or standing in front of me at the grocery store check-out. As I got to know her, I learned that she had been married for twenty-three years, but only leading a wife-led marriage for about the last four years. Before that, they had the same modestly dysfunctional, “Leave it to Beaver” marriage that most of us middle-class suburbanites have. He worked; she stayed home with the kids. When the last of the kids went off to college, they started getting a bit more creative in their sexuality, and that is when her husband told her about his interest in male submission. He had shown her [a different site], but suggested that I start by looking at yours. In listening to me, she agreed that my husband seemed to be submissive, and she thought I would be most comfortable starting, and maybe staying, with the model for loving female authority that you offer.

In her own marriage, she was not at all reluctant to try this with her husband. She does admit, however, that she misunderstood it at first. She believed it was just a sexual fantasy, and did not understand how deeply ingrained it was in his personality. She also admitted that she was surprised by how she had responded to his submission and her newfound authority. She has grown comfortable in her role in the relationship, and her expectations for his obedience have been matched only by her increasing willingness to explore new limits and push beyond her old inhibitions. I have since met her husband, and I can honestly tell you that they are among the happiest couples I have ever met, and their devotion to each other is amazing.

When I went home that day, I poured over your site. I read every last letter in your blog, and was determined to formalize my role in the marriage as you suggested. I bought my husband your book and had him read it. He pretended he was unfamiliar with your site, but I have since learned he was also a fan. The weekend after I gave him the book we had our own heart to heart about what my expectations would be for him for now on. He knelt in front of me to pleasure me, and this unselfish act seemed to give him his own pleasure that was almost narcotic.

That night, [we started orgasm management] and [I have had absolute control of his orgasms] ever since. We have experimented with techniques and activities we have found on other sites, but it is your fundamental principles that ground our relationship in love, trust and a commitment to each other’s happiness.

Thank you again, Emily, for everything that you do.

Beth in Western Pennsylvania

Emily responds…

Beth, your letter is beautiful and a light to others that seek the same happiness. Take this relationship wherever you want to go. Nobody knows what is best for you and your husband better than you.

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Dear Emily,

My husband bought me your book, and I reluctantly agreed to the boot camp. To my surprise, I really liked it. That is actually an understatement. I really loved it. My problem now is that he is not always as obedient as I would hope. There are little things like having to be reminded to get around to my laundry, vacuuming, etc. These I think I can deal with. But last weekend he went a little further.

I had left the house early on Saturday to go to a flea market with some friends. He wanted to go to the lake with a friend of his that had offered to take him and some other guys out skiing. I told him that this was fine with me so long as he finished some chores that I had given him to do. It was not much to do on the list. I asked him to pick up my dry cleaning, wash my car, and move some boxes from the garage to the basement. Well, when I got home, none of these things were done. He had gone to the lake without doing anything I asked, and he came home late. It was after dinner which caused me to have to prepare my own meal. Plus, the bed was not made and dirty dishes had been left in the sink.

I am curious as to how you would recommend that I should have responded to all of this.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Sometimes it is difficult to control our tempers, and for me, this would have been one of those times. That said, I consider his behavior outrageous. He should obey every command to the best of his ability and never indulge his boyish desire to run off with his friends while your instructions go ignored. You had been very generous to allow him to go to the lake, and it sounds like your conditions were very reasonable. I get fed up very quickly with men that want loving female authority on their own terms.

So, tempers aside, let me tell you what I think you should have done given that your patience allows for a calm and collected attitude. I think that when your husband returned home, you should have calmly told him to go into the bedroom, remove his clothes, and return to kneel in front of you. You should have expressed your dissatisfaction in simple, straightforward terms. You should have reminded him that it was him who suggested a wife-led marriage, and that your expectations were that he would live up to his commitment to obey your authority in the home. You would also inform him that there will be consequences for his disobedience.

I believe that reasonable consequences include the following:

• He will not be permitted any outside activities for one month. If there was something coming up that he was really anticipating, this should definitely be taken away.

• For the next month, he will be expected to wake up one hour early every day, including weekends, so that he can do additional chores of your choosing.

• While you expect an increase in the number of massages and demands for oral intimacy from him over the next month, he can expect to receive no orgasms. I have already emailed you separately as to a way to be certain that he is not cheating on this requirement.

• He will keep a journal, beginning immediately, where he can write down his thoughts and feelings as the month progresses. You can pull this journal out in the future to remind him of his month of punishment if minor infractions begin to build.

Be very committed to following through on this discipline as it is really for his own good.

Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

My wife and I have been experimenting with a female led marriage for about a year, off and on. The reason I am sending this message is because she would like advice in reference to discipline. She is very good at delegating tasks and showing disapproval, yet she is unsure of effective methods of discipline.

If you could advise us, it would be extremely helpful in our success.

Thank you,

Unsigned

Ken responds…..

First, I would suggest you take a look at the letter that Emily wrote in the “Letters from Women” section above that addresses this same topic. I have written my response below before seeing hers, and we decided to keep both in this update.

I suppose that even the most submissive male will occasionally try to get away with something. Perhaps he will sneak off to take orgasm management into his own hands, or maybe he will just be slack in his housework duties, or in a moment of frustration, forget his place in a conversation with his wife. Also, I have been involved with this site long enough to know that some men actually seek out the discipline of their wives. This is a part of their own submissive wiring and there is no doubt that the administering of discipline, regardless of the form, reinforces the hierarchy in the relationship in a way that many men find comforting.

Fortunately, discipline techniques can take on many roles and allow the wife a very wide range of options to fit her comfort level. We advise that most wives use the orgasm management process to reinforce discipline, but this is only a starting point. If she feels that this is not working, or worse, that her husband is manipulating her to modify the pace and pattern of the orgasms he is allowed to receive, then she should explore other options. Genuine behavioral changes are best made by taking away something important to the husband… perhaps a round of golf or the privilege of watching a favorite television show. More intense, and less conventional, forms of punishment might also be discussed. Some of these I would tend to classify as “recreational discipline” and are more about reinforcing roles than actually modifying behavior.

In any case, I feel that it is best for the relationship if the husband avoids the bad habit of actively seeking out discipline. We should all be obedient to the wishes our wives and genuinely accept their control. It is the sincere desire to serve reinforced by outward reminders of her authority and the careful moderation of our sexual release that is the underpinning of a successful female-led relationship.

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Dear Ken,

Okay, I'm starting to get it. My last email to you was a bit of a rant because things weren't progressing as I had hoped after giving my wife the AHF book and even confessing, although generically, my desires for her to be head of our household. Then when you posted my letter last month you warned me not to get ahead of myself. I know now that this is a slow process but my hard work is worth the effort. It's actually been four months since I started stealth submission and slowly brought the idea to my wife. We are moving forward and things are getting to where I think we would both be happier.

Thank you for your advice, I will take it slowly and not get discouraged (even though it is taking her forever to read the book!!)

Mark

Ken responds...

Thank you for the update. Please keep them coming. All wives are not going to be able to throw a switch and understand what has been inside your head forever, nevermind responding to it in the way that you seek. As you say, this takes time. Continue to be patient, but also be brave when she comes to you with questions. Let her know how important this is to you and make sure that you remain committed to her service and to improved communication so that she can see the benefits that it provides to her as well as you.

As she finishes reading the book, she will get more clarity. You are well on your way.

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Dear Ken,

My wife does not feel comfortable controlling my orgasms. I don't know if that is an accurate description or not. She is always wanting me to have one, but I am uncomfortable bringing up the fact that I think I climax too much since it is supposed to be her decision. She has been very receptive to the idea of taking complete control, but I am afraid she is missing out on some of the rewards that others benefit from.

I know not many males would see this as a problem but for some reason I do. I struggle with not making this about me, but this is a foundation in your book so I am confused.

Any advice would be welcomed.

Justin

Ken responds…

I do understand that women are uncomfortable with this element of loving female authority. Women, for all their wisdom and natural advantages over men, have a hard time understanding the impact that intimacy without orgasm has on men. They cannot be inside of our heads and understand the sudden, dramatic impact that a climax has on our brain chemistry. Our site tries to communicate this, and you have also tried to do so on your own, but absent this first hand understanding, I understand your wife’s reluctance.

I suggest a couple of things. One, the book and archives of this letters update include a number of ways to make management of orgasms into a bit of a game. These might make it a little easier for her to ease into the process. Also, the orgasm management panties (yes, I know that sounds crazy) that we were selling on Café Press are still available. You can find them here. We have gotten a surprising amount of positive feedback on these. She can just wear them, and without saying a word, let you know that she will be getting an orgasm and you will not. (Note that these are not on the standard Around Her Finger merchandise site which is located here.






Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger.

July 2007

Welcome to the July Updates

Welcome to the July updates. Ken and I are getting ready to head to the beach for the 4th of July holiday. We hope that all of our American readers are looking forward to spending a little time off this week as well. To our growing community of European (and other international) readers, we hope you also make the best of whatever time you are taking off this summer to enjoy each others’ company and grow closer in your relationships.

As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):

Emily Dot Addison At Gmail Dot Com

Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger


Letters from Women


Dear Emily,

Some wives wear sexy lingerie to add a little spice to their marriage. While I was interested in adding a little spice to my own marriage, it turned out that telling my husband that I expected him to obey me worked just a little better than the lingerie! My only regret was that after he gave me your book it took me a full three months before I got around to reading it. I wish I could get those three months back.

I am amazed at how he responds when I [exercise authority over him]. It has such a powerful effect on him that I know the weight of his keeping this secret from me must have been all but unbearable. Around Her Finger gave us a chance to test how much we trust each other, our openness to understanding each the other’s feelings, and our willingness to explore new things to make the other happy.

I feel very lucky that your book and site were there to guide the way to what is now a stronger more loving marriage than ever before.

Ann in Philadelphia

Emily responds…

You only lost three months. Some couples lose a lifetime because the husband never musters the courage to come forward as your husband did. I am very happy for both of you.

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Dear Emily,

Please accept the gratitude of one more woman who now has a stronger, healthier marriage thanks to your site. The promises of a closer overall relationship have all been met and exceeded by the methods in your book.

I hope it is not too much for your letters section if I tell you that one of the unexpected consequences of loving female authority is that I feel I have opened up and become a less inhibited lover. I am willing to try new things, many of which I have discovered I really enjoy. I think this has come in large part because I feel free to focus on my physical pleasure and no longer feel that I need to hurry up and focus on returning the favor. I now understand how my own sexual gratification and my frequent withholding of his physical satisfaction really does bring him a very different kind of pleasure than our old sex life afforded him. For him, it is not just the quick physical pleasure of an orgasm; it is a mental and emotional state of well-being that can last for days.

Part of my new uninhibited nature is that husband now buys me new “toys” on a regular basis. Now as we sit together in the evenings watching TV, I’ll often ask him to go bring out something from the toy box. I have him strip naked to use the toys on me, but he knows that I’ll be the only one having an orgasm. Afterwards, he cleans me up with a warm towel and cuddles, still naked, next to me on the couch. I will stroke him very slowly and kiss him on his neck and ears to extend the intensity and duration of his “orgasm management”. It is the days following these toy sessions that he is the most doting and affectionate husband on the planet. I reward him by having him go down on me or letting him spend long hours [kissing my bottom], something he enjoys, oddly enough, above just about anything else. Depending on my mood, I typically follow this with a chance for him to have an orgasm of his own, but not always. I like to keep him guessing. It’s all so much fun!

Again, I hope I haven’t overstepped the boundaries of language for your letters section. I just thought that our experience might be of interest.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

A little careful pruning and I think your letter was not at all too much for the website. In fact, I enjoyed your letter very much. I really appreciate when wives write specific details of the steps they take to manage orgasms.

Your toys are wonderful for many reasons. One, it is nice to send your husband to do a little shopping on your behalf. Also, they reinforce to your husband that your physical pleasure can be achieved independent of his own.

Incidentally, your husband’s fascination with bottom kissing (my edit), is extremely common in submissive men. Most women learn to love the attention.

-----

Dear Emily,

If I “manage” my husband’s orgasm, it seems that it only really has an impact on his behavior for about a day or two at the most. This isn’t working. Any suggestions?

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Readers should know that we have exchanged a number of emails following the one published above. I then followed this up with a conversation with you and your husband separately, and then one together. Your problem has two basic origins.

The first is your behavior following your periods of intimacy with your husband in which you would subsequently not permit him to have his own orgasm. I think you would agree that you would like this to happen about once a week, and then put the whole dynamic on autopilot thereafter. However, the hours and days that followed your intimacy did not see you taking proactive steps to intensify and prolong his arousal. You need to use verbal cues that reinforce your position of authority, teasing kisses, and gentle stroking of his own intimate regions to keep his brain chemistry coasting at the same peak levels that follow the initial episode. I think you were comfortable enough with the wife-led marriage dynamic to say “stop before you climax”, but not comfortable enough to continue nursing it with ongoing and repeated flexing of your sexuality. Be bold, and his submissive nature will do most of the work for you.

Secondly, however, is that your husband was being a bit manipulative.

I should point out, and not for the first time, that some have accused this entire dynamic of being based on male manipulation. In a very small sense I would concede this. However, this is ultimately a very symbiotic relationship in which both parties get what they want. The wife gets a closer, more intimate relationship with her husband and a household more responsive to her needs. The husband seeks a greater level of sexuality in the relationship and an opportunity to express his adoration for his wife through submitting to her authority. She very likely would not have sought out a relationship like this on her own, so in bringing a desire for this relationship forward and in asking that she be active in the dynamic, I suppose the husband could be accused of being manipulative. However, the husband enters into the relationship with the understanding that she will continue to overtly express her role in the relationship. He knows that submitting without her participation (ongoing expressions of her authority and management of his orgasms) will not work for him. It is the wife’s continuing requirement to live up to these responsibilities that some would call manipulative. I would just call it an open and honest discussion of his feelings, but I will leave judgment up to the reader.

You husband, however, was going a step further. Following the fact that you as the wife were not providing adequate expressions of your sexuality and authority, he should have simply spoken to you about his concerns. He, however, reacted by being grouchy and difficult when he was not getting what he needed. This is typical, but not acceptable.

Fortunately, all can be easily remedied by your playing a more active role in the dynamic. Also, as we discussed on the telephone, there are some more passive actions that you can take to prolong his submissive energy. They are a bit outside of the scope of what we typically discuss in this forum, but I think you agreed that you are ready to take these steps in your relationship.

Best of luck and please keep in touch.

Letters from Men

The following letter is a follow up from a reader that posted last month:

Dear Ken,

Well I did it.

I've been practicing stealth submission for two months now, and on Sunday night after our guests left, I found enough courage (cocktails) to give her your book. I don't think that she has read it yet, but she has been taking the remote and this morning told me to "fetch" a Diet Pepsi out of the garage for her.

I feel liberated!

I had been so apprehensive to bring up the subject or to give her your book, but now I think that she will really embrace the idea! In fact I think that it may be what she wants too. The first time that I hinted about this to my wife was over ten years ago, but we never had the conversation. I wish I had had your book and your website back then; we would have had a lot less arguments and a better marriage.

Thank you for everything you do.

Mark

Ken responds…

Great news! Let me give you one caution, however. Do not expect things to move too quickly. Be prepared to let things take their normal course at a pace that is comfortable for her. Remember that just because you have been thinking about this your entire life, the ideas are brand new to your wife.

It is very likely that you will be taking three steps forward and two steps back for a long time. Be absolutely certain to give her the space she needs to feel comfortable with the changes, but also be resolute in your service, devotion and obedience. Above all else communicate. If two weeks of stepping backwards take place, follow this up with a conversation. Make it sincere, discuss topics other than just your submission, and end it with an acknowledgement that her pace and her comfort are your primary concerns.

Over time, she will continue to grow comfortable in her position of loving authority over you.

-----

Dear Ken,

I had read your site a month or so ago, but was re-reading again last night, and I somewhat laughed at some of the information.

It is like we men in this situation follow this “unwritten” template on trying to approach our spouses about this. I did write a note to my spouse about our relationship (married 15 years, 2 kids 12 and 13 years old) and maybe we need to change it up. She did read it and did not get mad at me about it, but she did say that she did not really agree with some of it. She also said that it sounded like a lot of work.

During this same time, I stepped up my attention towards her, things I do for her, and things around the house. She even commented how nice it was a few days into it, but I do not think she has been able to make that connection on how that type behavior, or lifestyle as she called it, can be achieved with not that much more effort. I think it is more a changing of roles, and maybe it is a lot more effort. I also think the term lifestyle has a negative connotation, associated with a more over the top element of female authority, which is not where either one of us want to go.

But like I was saying, I found myself taking a similar path to some of the experiences that you shared. So I think my next step will be to point my wife to your site and see what happens. It is somewhat of a fine line of how much to push and when to do that, as I do not want to turn her off. When and if my wife changes her mind, I know that she relies on what she reads a lot. I can tell her the same thing that she might read, but if she reads it, then it means much more to her.
Your site does a great job of explaining things to a couple involved in a normal everyday relationship and marriage and helps explain the way a man might ask or express these feelings. I have always felt that I was an OK communicator, but I definitely fail in areas like this. I think it is that fear of rejection or the feeling of possible embarrassment that I might feel if my wife not only rejects the notion, but somehow later thinks I am a little “off.”

Sorry that I rambled on here, but I am not sure that you have seen this type email before.

Thanks for reading,

Pat

Ken responds…

Pat, this is a wonderful letter. I think it is also funny how so many husbands sit around and agonize over the same difficult notions of how to deal with their submissive nature. Hopefully this site affords those individuals a sense of community, so at least we all realize that we are not alone. It is particularly good to know that others share our fear of rejection and, as you say, our fear that we will be considered a little “off”.

I feel very confident that everything will work out for you and your wife. The other thing about this community is that we share not only our anxieties, but also our successes. Soon you will join the growing group of men for whom their anxiety is in the past, and their service to their wives is in the future.

Finally, Emily and I also reject the “lifestyle” terminology. This is not a lifestyle; it is merely one component of a healthy relationship.

-----

Dear Ken,

I have been going back and forth on whether or not to buy my wife your book for a long time. Finally, I went ahead and bought the book (Around Her Finger). My biggest surprise was how different it was from the site. I don’t mean this in a bad way. What I mean is that the same ideas from the site are presented in the context of the fictional story, and it all comes together so brilliantly that by the end, it would be hard for any woman not to be genuinely excited about trying this out.

I’m giving her the book this weekend. Hopefully my next letter is a success story.

Matt in Richmond, VA

Ken responds…

I am very confident that it will. Thank you for the kind words about the book. Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger

June 2007

Welcome to the June Updates

Welcome to the June updates. We hope that all of you are enjoying the beginning of the summer season. Please know that even though Ken and I have some vacations planned, we have every intention of continuing to update the letters section throughout the summer months. We appreciate all the letters of support and gratitude that we get for maintaining the site, and we look forward to a time in the future when we can have more time to expand on the resources that we provide.

As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):

Emily Dot Addison At Gmail Dot Com

Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger


Letters from Women


Dear Emily,

I love your ideas. We will never go back to the way things were before. I was happy before this started, but having a wife-led marriage has opened doors to emotional closeness that I thought were slammed shut years ago.

I was pretty skeptical about all of this, but respected my husband enough to at least hear him out when he suggested it. We tried the boot camp about four months ago, and we have never looked back. Personally, I see the fact that my husband is sexually excited by my authority over him as no different than a man who likes women with big breasts, or has a Jennifer Lopez rear end, or thinks women look best when they are all hot and sweaty. These are all really just a matter of personal taste as I see it. In other words, its one of those quirky little things that turns him on, so who am I to be judgmental about it? I’m glad he came forward and told me.

Thanks for giving him the courage to do so.

Jess in Toronto

Emily responds…

Well said. I think that wives will generally agree with you on your key point. The husbands, however, often suspect that their wives will find the concept odd and have a very difficult time accepting that their wives will be open to it.

You and your husband are both fortunate.

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Dear Emily,

In the early years of our marriage, my husband was always a very jealous man. That was until about three years ago. It was then that he showed me your site on the internet, and we have never looked back. We have had a wife-led marriage ever since. Now he is no longer jealous, in fact he seems quite the opposite. Let me explain.

I am a graphic artist, and while I have always been a solo, freelance worker, about a year ago I started a project with a male friend of mine that has really taken on a life of its own. The project requires occasional travel, and I have always made excuses to stay in separate hotels or travel at different times than my business partner. But recently, my husband suggested that I not only stay at the same hotel, but that if I wanted to share a room to save money, that he would be ok with it. My business partner is a very good looking man, and he’s single and a bit of a “player”, and my husband is very aware of all of these facts.

Am I missing something? I used to kind of like the fact that he got jealous (even if it was sometimes a pain in the ass). What happened?

Unsigned

Emily responds…

For submissive men, it can be an expression of their affection to unburden their wives of the husband’s open displays of jealousy. There is no question that the those same forces that made his jealousy so apparent to you are still at work inside of his head, but he is opening himself up and making himself vulnerable to you by giving you the freedom to go about your pursuits without the constraints of his jeaolousy.

I recommend that you take him up on his offer to share the room with your colleague. I am not suggesting you sleep with your colleague, merely that you share the room. When you return from the trip, have a very long talk with him about how it made him feel. This can be a real step forward in your emotional closeness to your husband.

-----

Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

While your site asks that men send in suggestions based on how they successfully introduced Around Her Finger concepts into their marriage, it seems that these letters are few and far between. So today I want to help you out by writing my own experience. I think it might be a new twist.

I started at the beginning of the year by telling my wife that I was going to lose some weight. I told her that I wanted her to be in charge of my eating, and that before I would eat anything that wasn’t healthy, I would ask her permission. Not only did this end up being a big turn on for me, but I actually lost weight. And she was really enjoying it too. She was making me do things to get my treats, really enjoying the whole “authority” thing. Then because it was going so well, I suggested we do the same thing with alcohol. This also went welll, and my mid-week “couple of beers after work” drinking is really a thing of the past.

I told her that I really liked what her having control was doing for me. We talked about it, but she still thought it was a silly game. Then I started doing the foot rubs, the massages (I bought a table off the internet), the laundry, etc. As she started asking what was up, I kept pointing back to how it all started when she took control of my diet. Then I bought her you confessional CD and book. So at the point she heard the CD, she already understood the benefits it was bringing into our marriage.

She is now the undisputed head of the household, and we have both never been happier.

Unsigned in Florida

Ken responds…

You are right; we do not often publish letters detailing individual’s unique approach to successfully introducing AHF to their wives. I assure you that we wish we could publish more, but we seldom receive such letters, and few as straightforward and clever as yours.

The technique of gradually introducing loving female authority into the marriage via a vanilla means, and showing how positive the impact can be on the relationship, is brilliant. I commend you and hope that your letter has a great impact on those still nervous about taking the difficult first steps into a wife-led household.

-----

Dear Emily and Ken,

During the past month or so I've begun a plan to gently introduce her to the idea of a wife-led relationship. Some times more gently than other times, but I view this as a very long-term effort. The key is patience, though I'll admit that I've sometimes struggled with that. I started with back and foot rubs every night. I've always given her lots of rubs, so this wasn't a big stretch...but now I started to tell her how much I enjoyed giving them, asking if I could rub her as a favor to me.

Over time, I've been looking for things to do to make her difficult life easier. I cook and grocery shop a lot, do a great deal more household chores, and have started to make her elaborate coffee drinks each morning. I shower her with affection, flattery, attention and appreciation. Of course, I do all of these things longing for her acknowledgment of her authority in my life.

One night, in conversation over a long back rub, I confessed my wish to place her on a pedestal and to work to please her. She asked me if this was related to my sexual fantasies. Of course it is, and I admitted as much. Of course, it is also much, much more. I tried to posit all of this as a way to increase the levels of communication, affection and intimacy in our marriage. I tried hard to convey that I really do want to be the best husband that I can be. But I think she is stuck on the sexual component. Worse, she now worries that she doesn't satisfy me sexually...and that eventually this will lead to problems for us.

I'm not worried at all about any of that, but I think I truly understand where she's coming from. To generalize her concern: the mere suggestion of a change in our dynamic also suggests dissatisfaction with the current dynamic. How could I be so obtuse? Obviously the notion of a wife-led marriage is far more comprehensive (and fulfilling) than sex...I just need to get her to understand this and to rid herself of preconceptions (keep an open mind), so that she can recognize this as an act of love.

Without question, I'm over-the-top crazy about my incredible wife. But are my efforts really an expression of my love for her, or just a proxy for unfulfilled sexual fantasy? In trying to mold our relationship into something it never has been naturally, am I merely sending her the message that I'm unhappy? In fact, I'm very happy...so is it wrong for me to ask my life partner to consider a radically different dynamic for our busy life?

Thanks for your site. It's a great source of information and inspiration.

Unsigned in Ohio

Emily responds…

I’m taking this response instead of Ken, because yours is a good letter and it interests me greatly.

Is a submissive man’s desire to serve his wife an expression of love or merely a sexual fantasy? This is the central question that you pose. I answer by saying that without any doubt in my mind, it is the former. A husband’s desire to surrender authority in the home to his wife is an expression of love above all else. This is core to my philosophy on wife led marriages, so I hope you will give my detailed response your full consideration, and I hope also that you forward it to your wife.

Of course men have sexual fantasies about surrendering to a strong dominant woman. If you doubt me, just do a search on the internet for dominatrix and see what you get. While I believe even these fantasies are grounded in a yearning for female intimacy, I also believe that these fantasies are a far cry from what most men that come to our site to find. The men that come to our site, that write us letters month after month detailing their innermost feelings, these men seek a closer emotional connection with their wives through the vulnerability that submission affords them.

There absolutely is a sexual component to the dynamic, I do not deny that. In fact, we tout that one of the benefits that couples take away from submission to their wives is that there will be a greater level of sexual energy in the relationship. A greater level of sexual energy, however, would be expected if there were greater intimacy, a stronger emotional connection, and more open communication. It is a happy by-product of loving female authority, not the starting point. However, loving female authority does not pretend that a man’s sexuality and his ability to connect emotionally with his wife are unrelated. It presumes an interconnection and enables the wife to master this interconnection for the mutual benefit of the couple.

This is not a simple concept. We can choose to simplify it by wrongly saying that it is merely a sexual fantasy, and that wives can indulge their husband’s sexual fantasies, and that in so doing, they get something out of it as well. A more accurate understanding is to know that the yearning that men have to submit to their wives transcends their sexuality. Through open and shared acknowledgement of her role in relationship, the husband can truly self-actualize. He can become the husband that he wants to be, and he can focus his energy and efforts on the loving and completely conventional adoration of his wife.

The key phrase in getting this dynamic right is “open and shared acknowledgement”. She must accept this dynamic in order for it to work, and she must be open and comfortable about her authority. You understand this, but she must understand it as well.

Best of luck.

-----

Dear Ken,

Okay, I guess I've been practicing stealth submission for a while now, although I have had these feelings about submission during the entire fifteen years of my marriage. I actually tried to bring it up to my wife about thirteen years ago but didn't have the courage to go through with it. I can remember the conversation like it was yesterday.

So fast forward to today. I have been practicing stealth submission for a couple of weeks now and our relationship has been great! We haven't had a fight or even a disagreement because I recognize that her decisions are best for our family and our relationship, this has been very liberating for me. The decisions aren't what is important, my wife being happy is!
My wife has thoroughly enjoyed her nightly foot massages and the other night even sat down and gave me a look and asked about her nightly massage, I dutifully got up and got the massage cream and gave her a one hour foot rub. We then went to bed and I gave her another full body massage, after which she thanked me and went to sleep. I laid in bed all night thinking about how happy I was and how I could broach the subject of a female led relationship.

I have been doing all of the laundry, cooking, and cleaning of the bathrooms; the three jobs she hates the most. However, she has become suspicious, even saying things like "what are you up to? What's going on?" I want so bad to have a talk with her but I am frightened that one of two things will happen; she will think that this is just one more sexual fetish and passing phase, or she won't take it seriously because she doesn't like the idea. I can assure her that this is not a passing phase, but my question to you is how often does a woman completely reject the idea of a female led relationship (even after experiencing it)?

I have ordered your book and downloaded both versions of the CD and listened to each version about 10 times trying to decide which would be best to give to her. I know that I want this and have been so nervous and excited about brining it up that in the past week I've lost 7 pounds!
Why am I still nervous about giving them to my wife??? I want this, I practice stealth submission everyday but as you say in the book and on the CD, it's not enough. I wish she would just find your website or your book and make it her own idea.

Mark in Oklahoma

Ken responds…

You write a great letter in that you typify the struggle that most every man goes through. You wish you could just open up your heart to let your wife know what this means to you, but you are scared by the remote chance that she will reject both the concept and you at the same time.

I urge you to move forward. Is your wife, who is so deserving of your adoration, really the sort of woman that would reject these ideas outright? If she really understood what was inside your heart, would she not embrace a wife-led marriage?

Do women sometimes reject this concept? Yes. How often, I do not know. Based on the letters we get, it seems to be a very small minority. Is it worth the risk? You tell me. I for one could not imagine keeping this inside me.

-----

Dear Ken,

This isn't working for us. It has been almost a year that we have been trying to implement a wife-led marriage. Back when we first started this, it worked great. We fell in-love again! She got massages and tons of instant messages during the day. I lost 13 kg. I was assigned chores, and she re-gained happiness and that special smile of hers from about twenty years ago.

Our current state and problems are [largely a function of not getting orgasm management right]. Can you help? The stakes are pretty high. Thanks,

Unsigned

Ken responds…

You provided details on your orgasm management practices that I chose to exclude from this section, but I will share with you that I believe that the time spent between orgasms was generally too long (twenty days). Some men can only go a couple of days before frustration levels get very high and the practice becomes counterproductive. She needs to feel out your cycles and adjust accordingly.

Most importantly, AHF marriages are not all about orgasm management. For this to work, you need to have ongoing and open intimacy and communication. Can you honestly tell me that this is the case in your marriage? Loving female authority is a component of a successful marriage, but it is not the marriage itself. Talk to your wife about your true feelings. Let close, open dialogue solve your problem for you.

Please let me know how this turns out.

May 2007

Letters from Women


Dear Emily,

I was married three months ago. At a bridal shower, my mother bought me The New Bride’s Guide to Training Her Husband as part of a basket of small gifts. I thought it was a joke and thought nothing of it. I never read the book, but when my mother asked me what I thought of it, I decided to give it a read. Wow… was I surprised.

My mother had divorced my father and remarried after I graduated from college, so I do not really know her new husband very well. What I do know of him is that he treats her like an angel and seems to worship the ground she walks on. I asked her if this was the secret behind her marriage. She just winked and suggested I try it.

I am so nervous. I love the ideas in the book, but I hesitate to tell my new husband. What do you think?

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Mother knows best. Of course I think you should try it. He will adore you for it. Explain to him that you want to play a game. For two weeks, you want to make the call as to whether or not he has an orgasm. During those two weeks, introduce him to loving female authority as described in the Boot Camp section of the book. At the end of those two weeks, have an open and candid discussion about wife-led marriages and male submission. He will never want to go back to shared authority again.

Let me know what happens.

-----

Dear Emily,

I would like to thank you for your site. I wonder if you can give me some advice to help me stop my husband’s masturbation. Some foolproof advice would be ideal.

Thanks,

Sue

Emily responds…

I have been getting requests for advice on this topic since almost the beginning of our letters section. As we advocate that a wife must manage her husband’s orgasms, it is only natural that that she be concerned about his willingness to follow her directives and not sneak off to manage an orgasm or two of his own. The physiological impact of intimacy without male climax is key to the success of the wife-led marriage, so discipline in this process is critical.

I wish I knew more about your situation. For example, did you catch your husband in the act? If so, have you had a candid conversation about the consequences of such improprieties? Given that the answers to this question are an unknown to me, let me, let me just give you some general advice on the topic.

I believe that since it the husband who typically desires and initiates the wife-led dynamic in the relationship, it is the husband’s prerogative to follow his wife’s lead and maintain the schedule of orgasms that she sets forth. However, men are weak-willed creatures, and a man who finds himself in the sexually-charged state of orgasm management will find it extremely difficult to muster his self-discipline and avoid moments of self-pleasure.

For this reason, women should be proactive. They should let their husbands know that they understand that they will be tempted to masturbate. They should explain, however, that it is in both the wife and her husband’s best interest that the wife remain in control of her husband’s sexual energy, and as such, sneaking off to masturbate is absolutely not acceptable. She should tell her husband that when he feels his sexual frustration building, he should feel free to discuss this with her. This does not mean that the wife will grant release, but it does mean that they will be on the same page as to the impact her control has over him. Bringing this into the open is a very good thing. She should then use her best judgment as to how to proceed.

Wives should be careful not to respond too quickly to their husband’s strong desire for release. Many if not most men, for example, will want to orgasm with every bit of their physical being after the very first moment of being actively managed. This physical frustration, however, will lead to a heightened state of emotional and spiritual awareness if it is coupled with continued intimacy and clear expectations. Maintaining these peaks is the art of loving female authority.

If a wife does catch her husband masturbating then additional measures are in order. In part, this involves an extended period where he is deprived of sexual release where there can be question as to his compliance with her wishes. I would be happy to discuss these measures if you will email me directly at this address which has been disguised to prevent email bots from picking it up: emily dot Addison at Gmail.com.

-----

Dear Emily,

I travel on business once or twice a month. I recently asked my husband if he ever masturbates when he is home without me. He responded by saying that he occasionally does, but never allows it to progress to the point where he has an orgasm.

Should I believe him? Should I allow this to continue? If this answer is no, how can I stop it?

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Your letter is clearly related to the one I just answered, but with an interesting twist.

Ken and I discussed this, and yes, we do believe your husband. Ken tells me that other men have written and described how a great deal of pleasure can be taken by stimulating themselves short of climax. As they describe it, it makes them very aware of their sexuality.

Should you allow this to continue? I don’t think so. I can assure you that Ken is not allowed to participate in this activity. By the time you read this, you should already have received an email from me detailing my recommendation for stopping it.


Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

As far as I know, no other source of information and encouragement treats the topic of female-led relationships with such respect and dignity. I do not visit pornographic websites, having learned years ago (the hard way) how much this hurts my wife. Your advice and the letters from obviously intelligent people provide hope and inspiration for myself and others that feel it is high time to stop feeling guilty or ashamed of having such deeply-rooted needs. By removing explicitly sexual material you elevate discourse and restore validity to those needs. So thanks for all of your good work. It is appreciated.

I am now more deeply in love with my wife than ever before. She's an amazing human being; very giving, very loving and good to her core. And although we're a lot older than when we dated, she's more beautiful now...confident and at peace with who she is, sure of herself, and happy in life. She's simply awesome. My desire to place her at the center of my life feels natural because I adore her. I'm lucky to have a partner open to discussion of my fantasies, although she seemingly cannot discuss her own with me (I've tried, believe me). I've discussed my fantasies, but probably very clumsily...and she really does not understand the nature or depth of my feelings. I think she cannot dispel cartoon-like images of leather-clad women, and she is put off by that. In fact, as I've tried to explain, that isn't what I want either.

Inspired by your site, I've been emboldened this past month. If this campaign doesn't work, nothing will...but I'm more hopeful now than ever. I've gone over the top with massages, sometimes on the couch, sometimes when we crawl into bed, sometimes in the middle of the night when I find her awake. She's always loved my massages, but not as much as I love giving them. I've emphasized a need for more intimacy, not more sex. And I've really stepped up my effort to talk with her and get involved with her worries...which sounds silly as I write (shouldn't I have always been doing this?). Finally, I've cut deeply into what has usually (and unfairly) been her housework...I do as much laundry as I can, cook a lot of meals, do a lot of the grocery shopping, and on weekends look for projects to take on around the house (no more TV sports).

In fact, my energy level has gone through the roof, which is benefit enough. And she appreciates my efforts. But of course something huge is missing, and your oft-given advice has clarified this. I need her to acknowledge and encourage my desire to please her; to take an active role in cultivating that need. It's early yet, but that isn't happening at all, and I fear that sooner or later I'll throw in the towel and we'll revert to the status quo.

I know you call this "stealth submission"...but in my case there is a wrinkle. I was bold enough to tell her that I want to please her and that just as importantly I need her to acknowledge her place at the center of my life. I've told her that I crave the "energy" that comes with this, and that I feel it will translate into increased intimacy and a closer bond between us. It may be that I told her too soon. In some sense I'm relieved to have gotten this off my chest, but the truth is she thinks I'm from Mars.

Her preconceptions about my fantasies may prevent her from grasping the bigger picture and seeing that I'm really expressing love for her. She recognizes there's a sexual component to all of this - a component she's nervous and uncomfortable with. Moreover, she's worried that I'll seek satisfaction elsewhere if she doesn't satisfy my needs. I don't want that to be her motivation. And she's wrong about any possibility of my seeking relief elsewhere. Still, I know where she's coming from. Also, this has been sprung on her unexpectedly, so I need to be understanding. Still, I'm discouraged by early signs that she isn't interested in any of these ideas.

I now plan to get your book "Around Her Finger" and read it before I give it to her. Unfortunately, any accepted payment method I use will tip off my wife who fastidiously monitors our finances (to her credit). I don't want to have this conversation with her before I think we're both ready. A local bookstore wouldn't order it on my behalf, either. I'll figure something out, of course. On a lark, I'd be happy to send you a money order (Lulu doesn't accept them), in exchange for the electronic form of the book. I understand if you can't do this. I'll buy my wife the hard copy if and when we're ready. In the meantime, I need to find a way to break through and help her to truly understand me. I can accept her rejection of these ideas if she really understands me, but at least I've got to try.

Again, thanks so much for being a soft voice of reason.

Unsigned in Ohio

Ken responds…

Yours is one of the most thoughtful and well-written letters we have ever received. Your wife is indeed lucky to have you as a husband as you are clearly lucky to have her as a wife.

I was tempted to just send you an electronic or physical copy of the book, but I don’t think I am going to let you off the hook. I hope you will tell your wife that there is a book you would like to order her, and allow for the possibility that she will discover our site before the book even arrives. She is entitled to know about your interest in the book, the site, and even the details of this wonderful letter.

Please let me know when you have ordered the book. Emily is, of course, at her disposal to answer any questions she may have after reading it.

April 2007

Letters from Women

Emily,

Last night, after I had my husband orally satisfy me, I put my nightgown back on and had him curl up next to me in bed. We talked for some time about what had been going on in our lives. I had been especially busy at work and had not had our usually long talks after sex. Lately I had been guilty of having him satisfy me then fairly quickly turning over and just as quickly falling asleep. Last nigh t was different. I praised him for the change in dinner menus he had instituted; changes I insisted upon as I slim down a bit. I also complimented him on the way he had been keeping up the house. I had allowed him to purchase several pieces of furniture for our family room on his own, and I told him how much I approved of his decisions.

You would have thought he had just been awarded the Nobel Prize. He cuddled up to me telling me how much he loved serving me and how delighted he was I was satisfied with him. I took the opportunity to touch his penis several times as he spoke, but not allowing him to release. Before we drifted off to sleep I also told him how pleased I was with his obvious arousal as he satisfied me, and as I complimented him I told him it was very important he be aroused as he served me. He cuddled even closer telling me how much he loved me and how he longed to serve me forever.

What a wonderful husband!

Unsigned in Tennessee

Emily responds…

What a wonderful letter! It sounds like your female-led marriage is working out for both of you.

Your letter reinforces a point that we have made here in recent months. To make this dynamic work you absolutely have to create sexual arousal in your husband and then openly acknowledge it. As we say in the book, sexual arousal is one physical need that human beings seek out for its own sake. We eat if we are hungry, we sleep if we are tired, but we do not desire to be hungry or desire to be tired for their own sake. However, if men go for extended periods without the sense of sexual arousal, they will seek remedies to that deficiency. Witness Viagra.

In an Around Her Finger marriage, he gives his service and obedience in return for a greater level of sexual energy in the relationship. You are expertly honoring your commitment to your husband and you are both ecstatic as a result.

-----

Dear Emily,

I sometimes think I may be too demanding of my husband, treating him at times as if he were my maid instead of my loving, obedient husband (and the man of my dreams). However, my assertive, demanding style seems to energize our relationship. I can always tell from my husband's cutesy demeanor that he is seeking a scolding or a firm talking to about my unquestioned authority in our home. Once I assert myself verbally, he is sure to perk up and regain his eagerness to please me.

My Best to you and Ken,

Paula

Emily responds…

Thank you for this observation. Your husband craves your authority. Continue to bless him with it, and he will continue to bless you with his submission.

-----

Emily,

I need your advice.

During our morning jogs recently, my neighbor and I have been talking about orgasm management for our husbands. Cindy is growing very intrigued with the idea of female led marriages.My neighbor loves my husband cooking (he has become an excellent cook) and his house cleaning skills. I have told her that when I first assumed the role of the head-of-the-house, He and I decided to share the cooking and the housework but before long, he had with my consent, eagerly assumed the role of the primary cook and housekeeper. I also told Cindy that in the bedroom, my achieving an orgasm was his first priority - always - and he only had an orgasm when I decided to allow it. I told her that when I first began managing his orgasms, I would allow him release after I had reached orgasms two or three times, but over time, I now allow him an orgasm only after I have had six or seven (or more) orgasms; usually over a ten day to two week time span.

I was curious if this seems consistent with what other women have told you about their management techniques. I suspect there is no right or wrong answer but I did tell Cindy I would follow-up and let her know what the "expert" says.

Hope you are well!

Unsigned

Emily responds…

We have always been careful when providing advice around this topic, to avoid specific time periods and allow a couple to determine what works best for them. If a wife employs no orgasm management, then certainly the dynamic is unlikely to work. If the wife allows too much time between orgasms, then it is equally likely to fail as his submissive eagerness begins to ferment into a grumpy disposition.

I love it when we get specific success stories around what works for a particular couple. I suggest your friend use your successful schedule with her own husband and adjust accordingly if it is not working for her. However, do not be afraid to try and stretch out the time between orgasms little by little to explore and expand limits.

-----

Letters from Men


Dear Ken,

A year ago, and long before I had ever heard of your book or website, I met a woman that has unquestionably changed my life. I will never forget the first time that we were intimate. I remember her pushing me down to give her oral sex, and when we finally began intercourse, right in the middle of sex, she looked at me and told me I needed to understand and accept that our relationship would work better if she decided if and when I got to have an orgasm. She told me to tell her when I started getting close and to not only pull out immediately, but pull out and make certain I didn’t [have an orgasm]. She also insisted on my solemn pledge that I did not masturbate myself to orgasm without her permission if she was not present.

We dated for about seven months, and I probably only had three orgasms in that time. That was about five months ago. One day she told me that was interested in seeing other people and that was the end of it.

That’s why I was incredibly surprised when I stumbled onto the fact that there are a growing number of women that routinely withhold orgasms from their partners. I found your website when I did a search on the topic on my own initiative. The idealism of the relationships that you describe on your own site is so close to my own experience, that I suspect that she was familiar with your writing. However, she never said a word about this.

In my own case, her [management of my orgasms] was the beginning to unlocking parts of me that I did not know existed. She uncovered emotional vulnerabilities that allowed her to become close to me in ways that other women never had. Furthermore, the sense of surrender that I began to feel to her authority in my life became incredibly therapeutic. I did not even realize it was happening, it just began to evolve. When other letter writers have talked about the peace of mind that they experience when they are completely submissive to a woman, I know exactly what they mean.

I write you now because she called me only one week ago and asked if I would consider returning to a relationship with her on her terms and with no conditions. I prefer not to explain all the details of this, but I hope you will understand if I tell you that this includes complete obedience on my part and complete freedom on hers. While I felt a definite sense of unspoken submission to her in the past, this would be a new level entirely.

If this makes any sense at all, I hope you will comment.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

It is impossible for me to understand the dynamics of your particular relationship from only the short letter that you have written. With this understanding, please take my comments as the very general advice for which they are intended.

Once a woman uncovers a man’s submissive nature, and begins to tap into it for the emotional and spiritual energy that it can create between them, it is unlikely that he will ever be as fulfilled by a conventional relationship. The fear that a man has when surrendering completely to the loving female authority of any woman is very real, but the time you have spent apart from her has also made you aware of the consequences of living without that authority in your life.

If you believe she will take the relationship in directions that make you uncomfortable, then you need to weigh your options. Can you find another woman that inspires the same sense of self-actualizing through submission that she has inspired in you? If not, it seems that the woman of your dreams is offering a chance to return to a very satisfying relationship. You should at least consider it.

-----

Ken,

I bought your book just before V-day 2006. I have a habit of giving my wife multiple gifts at such occasions. I gave her the regular gifts early and emailed her a copy of your book later as one of my "sexy" gifts. I wrote her a note saying I had read the book, that I agreed with the majority of what it says and that I thought it might be interesting to try. I didn't get any response from her.

Now I'm thinking of printing a copy and handing it directly to her and asking that she read it or if she has already done so to revisit it. While I know the idea is to make things about her it goes without saying that for it to work I have to see the value in it, to get something in return. I can't say that I am submissive by nature. But I'm not overly aggressive either. Most of the time I go out of my way to do things how she would like as I've always felt it's my job to keep her happy.

We've been in a rut for several years now. It happens to most couples. Two kids and a house (not to mention taking care of me) keep her too busy to think about herself. I'm busy also, but I can't help but think about the old days and how we could just talk and hold each other or kiss for what seemed like hours. I want to change this. I'm not looking to take anything away from the kids, but to add some enjoyment to my wife's life. I'd like to see her as happy and a bit more carefree.

As I said earlier, I've bought your book and I read it a few times. I agree with the concept. I would happily move our relationship in this direction if the result was more intimacy.

One problem I see is that my wife simply refuses to discuss any of her fantasies. She states she has none. She is very straight laced and just won't let her hair down. Is there hope that this can work? What do you think is the best way to introduce this concept to her?

Thanks,

Unsigned

Ken responds…

First, I do not accept your premise that you are not submissive. I happen to believe that most men are submissive and grow into an acknowledgement of that fact, so I am admittedly biased. Your letter, however, convinces me of your submission beyond even the ideas I have about men in general. In any event, this is beside the point.

My advice to you is incredibly simple. I suggest you forward to your wife the letter that you wrote to me. I suspect that you had a much easier time communicating with me anonymously over the internet than you do in communicating directly with your wife. In this, you are certainly not alone amongst men. Your letter to me is heartfelt, articulate, and full of good intentions. Your wife deserves to read it.

March 2007

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I was one of those wives that found out about your website on Valentines Day. My husband gave me a wonderful handwritten card, a copy of your book, and had loaded the confessional CD on my Ipod.

I want to first show you what he wrote on the card:

Dear Jan (not my real name),

There is no man alive that could love his wife more than I love you. You mean everything in the world to me. I know that I don’t always do a good job at showing it, but I promise you that my love for you is at the very core of who and what I am.

The fact that I do not always do a good job of showing my love is really what your Valentine’s present is all about. You will understand better when you listen to the track labeled “Around Her Finger” on your Ipod. The book is sort of a follow on to what you will hear and will explain it a little better.

I just hope you will be open-minded about this present. I promise you that it is ultimately about my expressing my love for you. Whether you are interested or not is completely up to you, and I will go on loving you either way. I know this doesn’t make sense just yet, but listen to the Ipod and you will understand.

Love always,

John

I could not have been more curious when I read the card. He had left it for me on our kitchen table along with a wonderful breakfast, a table set with flowers, and fresh squeezed orange juice. He was already gone to work by the time I woke up, so he was not there to answer any questions. I immediately listened to the track on the Ipod and understood instantly his intentions.

My first reaction was surprise. He is not the sort of man that wears his heart on his sleeve, so I was amazed he was taking such a bold step. My next reaction, however, was immense gratitude. The CD and the card both helped me to understand that his submission is an act of love above all else. I embraced it immediately. I actually finished reading the book before he was even home from work. While I had already purchased him some very simple valentines presents, I knew right away that I had another more special present to give him.

I emailed him at work and told him that I expected him to be home at exactly 6:30, and that he should walk into the house and read a note I would leave him on the kitchen table for further instructions.

As I planned, he arrived at precisely 6:30. The note simply told him to remove his clothes and come back to join me in the bedroom. All of the lights were off in the front part of the house. When he opened the bedroom door, completely naked, he stepped into our candlelit bedroom to find me seated in our sitting area in nothing but a very lacey robe. Next to me was an open bottle of wine, and while I was already into my second glass, I asked him to come over and pour me a third.

I asked him to kneel in front of me. I had him reassure me that this was what he really wanted in our marriage. I wanted to know that it was not just a bedroom game, but truly a change in how we would relate to each other in every aspect of our marriage. He assured me that this was the case. I put out my hand and allowed him to gently kiss my fingers. I told him that I was not only ready for this change, but that I agreed it would work better and that it was absolutely the natural next step in our marriage. I told him quite firmly that I would expect him to obey me, but I would also expect him to be proactive about doing those things that he knows would please me. I then opened myself to him and enjoyed his very selfless physical love for my body. This was one week ago. We have not had intercourse since that evening, but we have been intimate every evening and I have been more sexually satisfied than I have ever been at any time in our marriage.

More important than even the physical satisfaction has been the emotional satisfaction. We have talked more in the last seven days that we have in the last seven years. I am looking forward in growing in our relationship as I understand how this wonderful new change begins to evolve and take shape.

Thank you so much for the work you do,

Jan in San Antonio

Emily responds…

What a wonderful story of love and honest communication in a marriage. Your quick acceptance of your husband’s submission says a great deal about you. Your revised Valentines Day gift to him will pay rewards for many years to come.

-----

Dear Emily,

Guess what I got for Valentines Day!

I was more than a little surprised when the note in my husband’s Valentines Day card to me ran on for so long that he had to staple another piece of paper to the card. I am pretty sure that the last few cards he got me had nothing more than a few X’s and O’s followed by his name. I was even more surprised when I read the note. Wow, I would never have guessed that my husband would be the submissive type. In opening up and sharing with me, he let me see a part of him that I was amazed even existed.

I just got finished reading your book and we are already two days into the Boot Camp. It is amazing! I think, no correct that, I know, that the last two nights are the first time ever that I have had an orgasm and he hasn’t. It’s usually the other way around. But just like you say in the book, the pleasure I get from the sex is nothing compared to the pleasure I am getting from a level of closeness with my husband that hasn’t existed since we were dating. The other night, after having him go down on me, we lay awake and talked for hours. I did stroke him a little as an expression of my interest and awareness in his sexuality, but he did not even get close to having an orgasm. I love it. I absolutely love it.

Hope that Oprah never finds out about your methods because you won’t be able to keep up with all the letters of thanks that you would get. I guess it’s just the lucky few of us who ever find out about your book.

Thanks,

Unsigned

Emily responds…

I loved a phrase that you used in your letter. You said you touched your husband “as an expression of [your] interest and awareness in his sexuality." This is another one of those moments when I am in debt to my readers for expressing a concept with language better than I have been able to come up with on my own.

Your expression is really an extension of the concept that stealth submission will never be enough to satisfy a submissive man in the long run. We often write about the fact that a man cannot sustain any satisfaction from submitting to a woman that does not embrace her authority. However, even women that do embrace their natural, dominant role in the relationship will find her husband more obedient, and more importantly, more emotionally engaged, when she takes extra pains to recognize her husband’s sexuality and intensify his arousal in the absence of his release.

Physically touching him is one way to do this. Another very effective way is to openly discuss how his arousal is good for both of you. Let him know how much you appreciate his behavior when he becomes so intensely turned on and left without an orgasm. Women would do well to bring those things that often go unsaid to the surface, particularly as they relate to his sexuality. Just as you would be unhappy if his head was full of loving thoughts for you and he said nothing, he is less than satisfied when these matters of such interest to him go unsaid.

-----

Dear Emily,

My husband gave me your book and CD last Valentine’s Day, so it is now been one year since we have begun to practice loving female authority. I thought I would give you and your female readers a quick snapshot of my marriage before and after being introduced to Around Her Finger.

Television in the Evenings

Before: I would watch my television shows in the den while he would go in the basement and watch sports or the news on a different set.

After: We watch mostly my shows in the den, but I have a couple shows I let him choose. No matter which show it is, we are both together and he sits either next to me or on the floor rubbing my feet. In fact, we watch must less television these days because of the time in the evenings he spends giving me a massage.

Sex

Before: Maybe once a month we had a very quick (and hardly enjoyable) ten minute romp in the bed.

After: Three to four times a week we have some sort of sexual contact. It may or may not include intercourse, and if it does, he may or may not have an orgasm. I always have an orgasm.

Communication

Before: It was as if his brain created a wall that stopped him from talking about his feelings or listening to me talk about my own.

After: He talks to me and really listens to me all the time. It is not that he talks to me and listens to me because I am telling him to do so. It is not like that at all. It is as though he really wants to do these things. This is particularly true on evenings and days following [orgasm management].

Thank you, Emily. As you can see, you have made a tremendous difference in our marriage.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Thank you so much for taking the time to write us with the wonderful before and after comparisons. I take note that your letter is the third letter published in the woman’s letter section this month, and it has one very wonderful thing in common with the first two. It calls out the impact that loving female authority has on your emotional closeness and communication habits. This is the single greatest gift that LFA has to offer women, and the one least anticipated by woman that venture down this path.

I wish you many more years of a happy marriage.

Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

I am a happily married man who is fortunate enough to actually be living in a female-led relationship and had a quick question for you that may actually need your wife's input for the guidance I need.

Due to a lot of stress and the winter weather, m wife has put on a significant amount of weight. While I will always love and worship my wife no matter what her size or looks become, I am concerned about her health. How would you suggest I address these concerns with her without coming across as being superficial about her looks and making her feel bad? I'm really struggling with this and any advice you could give would really help!

Unsigned

Ken responds…

I will let you off the hook and just accept at face value that you are only concerned about her health. I am only stating the obvious when I say that many men in your situation would also find themselves concerned about their wife’s physical appearance and not merely her health. I do not think this makes these men bad people, it just makes them men. For submissive men, their physical attraction to their wife is an important element of the sexuality that feeds the satisfaction they get from loving female authority. However, for most submissive men, and apparently yourself, their wife’s overt exercise of her authority trumps mere superficial beauty. As you say, you would adore her no matter what.

I would suggest that if you have noticed your wife gaining weight, she has likely noticed it as well. Just as she knows what is best for you, she also knows what is best for her. Leave it alone.

-----

Dear Ken,

I gave my wife your book for Valentines Day along with a little card saying I would like her to consider some new ideas that could build our relationship even stronger. She said nothing about it for a week and a half. I didn’t know if she had not read the book or had read it and thought I was crazy.

We went out to eat this past weekend, and again said nothing about it, but when we got home, it was a different story. When we walked in the house she told me to go back in the bedroom and take off my clothes. I guess this was a little unlike her, but I still figured she was just wanting to be romantic in the traditional, vanilla sense. But when I started walking away, she told me to come back into the living room when I was done. This was when I started to think something was up because our living room is one of those formal rooms that we never really use, except maybe if we are having company.

When I came back to the living room, naked of course, she was sitting in a very stiff-backed chair. She had all of her clothes on. She told me to kneel in front of her. She asked me how long I had been thinking about giving her that book. I told her the truth, which was that I had felt this way for years, but had only discovered the website about six months before, and had been thinking about it ever since. She asked me if I was really serious about her being in charge of everything. She asked me how I would feel about golfing once a month instead of every weekend (which I know has always been a sore spot of her). She said she would expect me to wake up early on weekends to clean the house and have breakfast ready for her when she woke up. The thought of all these things, as I knelt naked in front of her, was making me feel whole and complete in a way I have never experienced before.

She had me remove her shoes and kiss and rub her feet. She told me that she expected not only my obedience, but also my continued love and affection, and she wanted me to show me that love in new ways every week. She wanted me to be romantic and express my feelings more, and that in exchange, she would always love me and would always have my best interests in mind. I undressed her and she pulled my head between her legs. Then we made love, but she pushed me off of her before I had a chance to have an orgasm. This was the first time I have ever experienced her “owning” my orgasm and stopping me after we had begun making love. It was amazing.

I hope my story inspires others. I was afraid to take a chance, but I am very glad that I did.

Jack in Virginia

Ken responds…

Your wife is a fast learner. I predict that your marriage will blossom and grow in ways you never thought possible. As she embraces her authority over you, and as she learns more about the opportunities that loving female authority affords her, she will guide you both to a stronger relationship.

Congratulation on taking the first step.

-----

Dear Ken,

I just gave my wife your book for Valentines Day. I am crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. I will let you know how it works out.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

Thank you for the quick note. We always see an uptick in book sales right before Valentines Day. It means a lot to both Emily and I that so many men are encouraged to celebrate this lover’s holiday with a bold step towards a female-led relationship.

Best of luck to all of you.

How did Valentines Day go?

We know from past years that there is often a run up in the number of men that use the holiday as an excuse to introduce their wives to Around Her Finger for the first time. If you were one of these men, we encourage you to send in your experience so that we can share it with others in our next update.

Thanks,

Ken

February 2007

Note from Ken:

Our updates section will be a little different this month as it will begin with a recap of the Around Her Finger retreat which was just held this past month. As a result, the letters sections will be much shorter than usual, but hopefully still valuable.

Also, I want to take a moment to extend warm Valentines Day wishes to all of you. For those of you who have still not shared your interest in Loving Female Authority with your wives, I hope this lover’s holiday gives you the inspiration you need to do so.

The recap of our retreat, as promised, follows:

***

We have just recently returned from the first ever AHF couples retreat. Emily and I met with four other couples (a fifth couple had an unfortunate last minute cancellation) at a beautiful resort property in the Southeastern United States. The event was a great success, and we both wanted to share some details of the gathering here in our update section.

We all arrived at different times on the first day. We first met as a group for a small cocktail party in a private suite that evening. This was especially nice, because it provided both privacy and comfort as we all got to know each other. Emily and I had all spoken on the telephone numerous times to everyone at the event, so we were already somewhat familiar with each of the couples. Nobody else had met or spoken to each other before that night.

The couples ranged from their early thirties to mid-fifties. I would characterize their experience with wife-led marriages as very similar to that of Emily and me. We had all been successfully practicing loving female authority for at least two years. We had all had our ups and downs, but for the most part we had a good sense for what worked and didn’t work from a long-term perspective. We were also all very committed to the fact that we could continue to grow as couples with loving female authority as a guiding principle.

It was nice to see a true matriarchal dynamic in the room. To be in the company of other couples where there are no secrets regarding how the husbands and wives have chosen to relate to each other is refreshing to say the least. The men all doted on the women. None of the women were wanting for anything. We were all eager and happy to serve the ladies the wine and snacks that we had set out. When it was time to leave for dinner there was a small scuffle at the door as the different husbands raced to see who could have the honor of holding the door open for the ladies.

From the cocktail gathering, we all went down to one of the resort’s restaurants. We had a wonderful meal and talked about how we had all first met our spouses, how the female-led dynamic had begun and evolved in our marriages, and to some extent, where we wanted to take the dynamic in our relationships. Much of the conversation was also devoted to the sort of perfectly mundane small talk that characterizes any group with similar interests who has a genuine desire to get to know each other.

After a wonderful dinner, the women dismissed the men. We were asked to go back to our rooms and to prepare everything necessary to give our wives a romantic massage when they returned. In my own case, this entailed setting up the portable massage table that I had brought along. It was a full two hours before the Emily returned to the room. The women were having quite a good time and ended up extending the dinner conversation to the hotel bar after they had dismissed us. Apparently the after dinner drinks had relaxed the women’s inhibitions enough that a host of new topics for the following day’s workshop sessions had been suggested.

The initial sessions were held mid-morning and had the men and women separated into different rooms. The men’s session was focused exclusively on how we could better serve our wives. This included not only sharing ideas on the things that our wives like and expect from us, but also how to manage those times when stress, frustration and distractions get in the way of submission. There are times, for example, when even I am too tired for Emily’s late night massage requests. This issue was common amongst the husbands. The key to overcoming these short-term and selfish moments is to just press forward, honor the request and know that her comforts are more important than your own. One of the husbands offered that his wife allows him two “get out of jail free cards” a month, where he is allowed to respectfully turn down his wife’s request. She can override his free passes if she likes, but apparently has never done so.

The woman’s discussion was also an idea sharing session. However, they focused on some of the ways that they have been able to maintain the husband’s submissive intensity by introducing different approaches to maintaining sexual energy in the relationship. This included a very engaging discussion on orgasm management, but also topics that frankly go beyond what we have set as the boundaries for our site. It was clear that some of these women wished they had a forum where the felt they could continue this dialogue beyond the retreat. Emily noted that concern and is considering a way to provide such a forum without jeopardizing the mission of this site.

That afternoon, we all participated in a session with the wives and husbands together. Emily and I had prepared for the session by developing a number of questions, printing them out and pasting them to three by five cards, and then putting them in two separate bowls in the middle of the group, one for wives and one for husbands. The husbands each took their turns first. Some of the husband’s questions follow:

- What activity creates the most intense sense of intimacy with your wife?
- What is one thing we have never done together that I wish we would?
- What is the most romantic evening I could imagine preparing for my wife?

Some of the wives questions included:

- Is there anything your husband could do to make you feel more loved?
- Is there anything you miss about a marriage of shared authority?
- Is there anything you desire that you hesitate to ask for from your husband?

These all generated great discussion in the group, and hopefully that discussion extended back to each couples own room when the activity ended.

Early that evening, Emily had arranged to take all the wives on a horseback riding tour of the area surrounding the resort. The husbands remained behind playing pool and having cocktails. When the women were scheduled to return, we went out to meet them. There was more than one comment from the husbands about how wonderful if was to greet our wives with them on horseback and us on foot. It certainly gave the woman an air of authority to tower above us on such strong animals.

All the couples then returned to their rooms where the husbands helped prepare the wives for the final group dinner of the retreat. This turned out to be another wonderful meal, and as with the last meal, the men were dismissed early while the woman remained behind to finish the last couple bottles of wine without us. When the women finally returned to the men, they were once again welcomed by their husbands with whatever preparations had been requested. In my case, the massage table was again set up and candles were lit throughout the room. We awoke the next morning and had one final group breakfast before we all made arrangements to return home.

For Emily and me, and I believe for the other couples as well, the event was a huge success. One, it was an opportunity to safely dialogue with others who share this somewhat extraordinary and certainly very personal relationship dynamic. Emily and I are typically very private people, and I know that for us, this was one of the first occasions where we opened up about intimate details of our lives to others. Secondly, the event was a chance to examine what works best in our relationship and what opportunities for improvement might still exist. We challenged our thinking on many of our long-held ideas and boundaries, and we explored new paths and thinking. The open and candid dialogue was a catalyst to push our relationship even further ahead, and we are both closer and our intimacy is stronger as a result. Also, I am sure that the coming months will bear the fruit of this reinvigorated energy level in our relationship.

Finally, I offer all of my thanks to the couples that attended the retreat. While we have sent you all personal notes of gratitude, we want also to make this public acknowledgement of our debt for all of the warm friendship and open spirit that you each brought to the sessions an dinner conversations.

Will we do this again and open it up to new couples? This remains to be seen, but our success on this initial event certainly opens up that possibility.

Ken Addison

***

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

As I read your site, and also your letters section, I get the feeling that you are often coaching the husbands into manipulating their wives to behave in a way that they, the husbands want. It seems like the one pulling the strings is really the husband and not the wife.

How do you respond to this?

Unsigned

Emily responds…

You are certainly not the first one to make this observation. In all fairness, I definitely see your point. In ninety-nine percent of the cases, the men are the ones that want to initiate loving female authority. Women will almost always warm to the benefits that LFA offers them, but they often approach the concept with an initial skepticism. Much of the advice that we give to these men is geared at gently nudging them into a female-led relationship. Then we further the council the men on how their wives can comfortably come to understand the underlying principles of a practical, ongoing LFA relationship. Could this nudging be considered manipulating? Yes, I think it could, and this makes me guilty as charged.

Before the publication of Around Her Finger, and long before our site ever came along, there were and there remain a great many sites dedicated to female led relationships. While most of these sites are nothing more than pornography with the window dressing of female authority, some of them are actually well-written, genuinely intelligent sites. Some of even include advice for men that want to nurture the dominant characteristics in their wives or girlfriends to open the door to LFA. They advocate service to their wives as a gateway to an open and honest dialogue about their submissive nature and where they ultimately want to take the relationship.

I think this is a wonderful approach, and for many, it is certainly successful. But I also think there are many men that need more than just this simple formula. I think many men need constant support and encouragement. They need examples and success stories. I also think they need alternative ways of initiating the “I want to submit” conversation. Furthermore, they need alternative ways of accelerating the relationship dynamic once it is established. They need to understand the steps along the way, and they often need the same encouragement for incremental steps forward as they did for the first step. Orgasm management, for example, is so crucial, yet so often underutilized, that we believe that we could never offer enough advice and tips on reinforcing its necessity in the wife-led relationship.

The other thing that we believe is needed is a place for men to send their wives to learn about the virtues of this relationship. Even the men that muster the courage to share their submissive desires with their wives are often not articulate enough to communicate these desires on their own. That does not take anything away from these men. Sharing deeply held emotional feelings is hard for almost any man. Couple the fact that these feelings and their implications are as complex as those associated with their submissive natures, and you have a recipe for an awkward conversation. That is why we not only continue to maintain the introductory tone that we do on this site, but we also offer tools to men to make this initial conversation easier. These include the books and confessional CD’s which have received so much praise from our readers and listeners over the years.

Others would tell submissive men to just obey and serve their wives as an end in itself. It is not that I disagree with this advice. On a philosophical level, I think it is beautiful advice and represents a very pure expression of submission. However, I have been involved in this community too long to think that this will be enough for most men. There is a sense of fulfillment that can only be met in a submissive man when there is an open, shared and very formal acknowledgement that she is the one in charge. In fact, I believe that the most significant contribution that Ken and I have made to the progress of wife-led relationships is that we reject outright the notion of “stealth” submission as a satisfying long-term strategy. Until the woman formally expresses her expectation that her man will obey her, then loving female authority remains unconsummated in the relationship.

So in the end are we enabling the man that wants to encourage new behaviors in his wife? Yes, we are. However, we do so with the larger goals of fostering greater communication, greater intimacy, and a more natural and perfect order in the relationship.

Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

I divorced over five years ago. I would not say that my ex-wife’s lack of interest in my submission was the deciding factor in our divorce, but I would say that our marriage could probably have been saved had she been more open to it and had I understood it better myself. At the time, there was nothing like your site available. I didn’t even understand what it was I wanted, and my submissive [nature] expressed itself primarily as a list of sexual activities in which I wanted my ex-wife to participate. I very casually grouped her lack of interest in these activities into a label of “sexually unadventurous” which I was quick to apply to her. She grouped my great interest in these same activities into her own adjective, but I will spare you and your readers that detail.

So ultimately I always felt like there was something missing in our relationship, and we ended up going our separate ways. I was divorced for over three years before I discovered your website, but once I did, I was absolutely committed to the idea that my next wife would understand this side of me before we got married, and she would be willing to take the head of the household role in the relationship.

A long story short, I ended up meeting that woman, and I am now engaged. We have had many conversations on this topic, and I feel like we really connect on the subject and that we can make it work for both of us. We are scheduled to be married this June.

My question to you is regarding my future last name. It seems as though the right thing to do is for me to take her last name. After all, I already willingly submit to her, and she it clearly the alpha-spouse (as you like to say) in the relationship. At the same time, it seems as though it would be an awkward thing, and I would be forever explaining it to others. I have yet to speak to her about the topic as I would first like to hear your advice.

Gary in Arizona

Ken responds…

The context of your letter is more interesting than your question. It is amazing for you to look back in hindsight and see that a better mutual understanding of your submission could have rescued your marriage. When the need for female authority is filtered through the male mind, the sexual components are often the only ones to surface. Both parties don’t realize that these same instincts can foster intimacy that goes beyond conventional expectations for a relationship. So while that last chapter in your life ended sadly, I am at least encouraged that this new chapter seems to be off to a good start.

As to whether or not to take her name, I think it is of little consequence. Inside your marriage, you will both know that she is in charge and behave accordingly. This is really what’s important. Taking her name would make what is typically a very private element of your lives and wear it on your sleeves for others to see. If this is what you want, there is nothing wrong with it. Just be prepared for the consequences.

If you are troubled by the issue, perhaps a good compromise would be to each keep your own names. This is a very common trend, and it would certainly not attract any attention. In fact, when I showed your letter to Emily, this is what she suggested.