I know it has been a long time...
Please do not mistake our absence for a lack of affection for the mission that we both take so seriously. The explanations for hiatus are not important. These long pauses may be more the norm than the exception. That said, Valentines Day reminded us both how important this blog is to so many couples.
Emily
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
My husband and I have been married for five years, and for the last two, we have had a female led marriage. I was actually very worried for the first few years of our marriage. Not long after the honeymoon was over, my husband became moody, and we fought quite a bit. It was only upon my husband sharing his desire for this sort of relationship and then showing me your site with its very rational approach to this topic that our relationship has blossomed.
I was actually very open to the idea of taking the lead in our marriage right from the start. While my husband is very successful and capable, I am more self-disciplined and better organized. I knew that me being in control would better us financially. I am not an impulsive spender like he was. In fact, I'm a saver. I am more inclined to build out a schedule for household chores and tasks and stick to it. Now he sticks to it as well.
Over the last two years, what has really astounded me is how I have grown into my role as head of the household and how I now treasure my authority in the relationship. I do love him dearly, but I also love that I am in charge in my own home. I do not think that I abuse it, but he is unquestionably expected to obey my wishes. When I sometimes sense that he disagrees with my decisions or is resenting my commands, I reinforce my role in our marriage with the sort of intimate expressions of my authority that I know he craves and desires.
For example, he had recently asked about trading in his car for a new one after only driving it for two years. I told him that I would make my decision later that eveing. So, right before bed, I sat on the chair in our bedroom and had him go down on me as I often do in the evenings. As he was doing this I told him that I had made my decision, and that he would have to keep his car for at least another two years. I got the satisfaction of delaying the purchase of his car, and he got the satisfaction of having his request rejected in such intimate circumstances.
I have learned, however, that there is nothing more pavlovian than him kneeling between my legs. He will do anything to adore me in this way, and he is trance-like in his compliance following this intimacy with me. Of course, it also means witholding his orgasms, but he appreciates the intensity that this brings to our relationship. In public, I am obviosuly more subtle I simply cast a knowing glance his way or whisper in his ear that I know he will do what I expect because he belongs to me. Either way, he understands and complies, and I always reward him with a chance to kneel in front of me that evening.
As a woman and a wife, I have found all of this very liberating and powerful. It is not what I imagined marriage to be, it is quite a bit better. After a hard day, to know you are adored and respected is so wonderful.
Sincerely,
Beth in Portland
Emily responds...
What a fantastic letter. You have such a pragmatic view of your LFR. There is absolutely so much in this for both of you.
Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken
It has been a year since I first found your website, ordered your book and introduced it to my wife. To be honest it wasn't difficult. We are in our early fifties and have been married for 30 years. It really came as no surprise to my wife when I raised the subject. On some level it was natural. What was a surprise for both of us was the rich community of people who feel the same way. I have always been the bread winner in the house, but my wife has always handled the finances. Nothing has changed on that front. What has changed is the concentration I now put towards "serving" my wife.
The reality is that as we grow older a woman's sexual desire goes down while the guy's desire doesn't. FLR has proven to be the perfect solution. It has taken the focus off of an orgasm for either of us and instead puts the focus on intimacy. I have learned over the past year that the less often I have an orgasm the more focused I am on my wife. I have also learned that this focus on her has had the pleasant effect that she has actually wanted to have our intimacy progress to an orgasm for her more this year than at any time in the last 5 years.
Most of the day is the same as it was before. I go to work in the morning. But now I shower and get ready in the spare bathroom. The master bathroom is for the exclusive use of the real master. I bring coffee up for her before I leave. If she gets up before I go then I make the bed. If she gets up after chances are the bed will still be waiting for me to make it when I get home. Some days dinner is waiting for me when I get home. Some days I will get an email at work letting me know that I will be making dinner when I get home. Either way I serve the dinner and do the clean up and empty the dishwasher. Some days the laundry is left for me to do in the evening. There is always a list of things to do. Ironing is usually left for me. We have a maid service so I don't have regular house work but if there is house work it is usually my job. I fetch in the evening for what ever she may need. I have found it is more pleasurable for me when she tells me to do things rather than asks. My response always has to be "yes, Miss" and immediate action without any grumbling. When we get ready to go to bed I pick up the house and turn down the bed. We have a few things in bed that bring her pleasure without the need for an orgasm. The night usually ends with me kneeling at the end of the bed rubbing her feet until she falls asleep. Then I softly crawl into bed very happy but without an orgasm.
Last Christmas my present was a massage table and a massage book. She has me set it up on a regular basis and give her a full body massage. Usually followed immediately after by her going to bed while I continue the massage with her feet while she drifts off.
This year has been wonderful to the extreme. Thank you so much for running this website and giving the gift of your book to all of us who realize that this is not some weird game but rather a way to bring us closer to each other. We truly spend more time paying attention to each other and are happier than we have ever been in our relationship.
Signed
No longer an FLR rookie
Monday, February 15, 2016
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
December 2011
Welcome to the December Updates
Happiest of holidays to all of our readers. Thank you all for the continued letters of support and commitment to our mission. We remain dedicated to providing a safe landing zone where men can send their wives and partners to learn more about female-led relationships.
Emily
Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:
www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I have read a number of letters on your site that seem to suggest that a woman’s openness to your ideas is a function of her age, or maybe more accurately, the generation with which she identifies. I agree completely.
I am in my early twenties, and my friends and I seem to be more comfortable with the notion of an open discussion of where men fall on the dominant/submissive continuum than my mother’s generation. I believe my father, a wonderful man and great husband, was submissive to my mother, but I believe it was an unspoken dance that the two went through together. I don’t think they ever discussed it openly.
For me and my female friends, we understand that it is a key dimension of compatibility. We are all attractive, educated young women, and we each seek relationships with high quality, driven men, but men who are willing to put their egos aside and openly defer the lead role in the relationship to the woman. These are not difficult conversations for us to have with the men we meet, and I find men more than willing to articulate an honest opinion about their own preferences on a first date or even following an introduction at a party.
For my own part, my standards are high. I expect loyalty, respect, and an expressed understanding that I call the shots, and that I have complete freedom to pursue the life that I choose to lead. In return, I am willing to open my heart, return the respect, and give him what he needs to be happy in a relationship that we share together -- on my terms. There is no shortage of fantastic men that long for a relationship like this.
Kimberley
Emily responds…
I think your observations are correct relative to the generation gap. I am not so certain that your attitude, while admirable and progressive, is shared by your entire generation, but the trend is certainly developing. Submission should not be a stigma, and wife-led marriage should be an option that is open to all.
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Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken,
I am proof positive that persistence pays off.
I have been married to my wife for seventeen years. While I knew that I was submissive before I married her, I thought that these feelings would fade with time. I never knew how ingrained these feeling were, and I certainly did not anticipate that they would grow in intensity over time rather than fade as I had predicted. Several months into my marriage I had tried to introduce playful elements of female authority in the bedroom, but she would really have no part of it. She was very conservative and very set in her ways. She was not the least bit open to anything that wasn’t incredibly main stream.
From the start, I did have a couple of things going for me that have kept the submissive side in me somewhat satisfied. One of those is that my wife is a very demanding. She’s certainly not dominant, in fact she’s generally very low key, but she likes to get pampered and she likes to have things her way. The second thing is that, in the bedroom, she really enjoys having oral sex performed on her. So even if our very vanilla sex life has traditionally ended in intercourse with me climaxing, I have at least gotten the great pleasure of spending fifteen to thirty wonderful minutes giving her my complete attention prior to intercourse.
Like most men on here, I tried the path of stealth submission. Also like most men on here, I learned the limitations of unilaterally submitting. So while I am sure she enjoyed the initial surge of foot rubs, massages, and me doing all the laundry… it didn’t work for me. It was probably about that time that I discovered your site. So, like many men on here desperate to be in a truly female-led marriage, I opened up to her. I sent her an email with a link to the site, and I followed this by giving her a copy of your book. I felt it was too awkward to actually speak to her about the topic, and maybe this was a mistake. She seemed to ignore the email and then book. When I finally asked her, she said simply that she was not interested, and she was surprised that I would have suggested it. To me, it was outright rejection.
About a month after that, however, we went on a trip out of town. We had a great dinner, and when we came back to the room, she went into the bathroom to get ready. She came out wearing an incredibly sexy outfit, and she lay down next to me on the bed. She kissed me and then whispered in my ear that we were not going to have sex. She wanted me to go down on her, and when she was satisfied, we would go to sleep. This was an amazing night. It was the first time that I felt the rush of being denied an orgasm. I think she liked it too, and we played with this for about three months. However, one night she just announced that she did not want this anymore. She said it just didn’t feel like her. It all ended , with no good explanation, as quickly as it had begun.
So life went on, but my need to have loving female authority in my life never went away. Then, probably about two to two and a half years ago, things just started to go wrong for me at work. I didn’t lose my job, it was just that I had a new boss who was a jerk, new pressures, and I felt like I was bringing all that stress home from the office. She noticed that change, and obviously was not happy with my declining mood and my short temper. In my own head, I knew I was not the person I wanted to be. I just couldn’t find peace; I couldn’t focus.
Then, very suddenly, things changed. I came home from working very late in the office one night. The kids had already gone to bed, and my wife was also in bed, reading. I went about my business, putting my things away, and also getting ready for bed. I climbed into bed next to her, and without saying anything, I turned on the TV. I know that she hates it when I turn the TV on when she is trying to read, but I didn’t care. I was exhausted, and I was being selfish. Ordinarily she would just endure it, or she would put the book up and go to sleep, but this night was different.
She told me to turn the TV off without asking or without saying please. Despite my sour mood, I am still hard wired to respond to female authority, so I took notice, and I turned off the TV. Then she told me to go lock the bedroom door and take off my clothes. It was only then that I noticed what she was reading, it was the copy of Around Her Finger that I had given her years earlier. She was still wearing a robe, but she pulled the covers away from herself. She motioned for me to the side of the bed, and she opened the robe revealing that she wore nothing underneath. She had me kneel in front of her, and she held up the book to make sure I noticed. Pointing at the book, she asked me if this is what I really wanted. I told her that I did.
She told me she was prepared to take it very seriously, and that I needed to be ready to go wherever she wanted to take this, and that I should be careful what I wish for as the reality may not match the fantasy. She said that there were parts of this that she would have trouble getting used to, and she was sure that this would be the case for me as well. This was all music to my ears. She had me go down on her, and when she was satisfied, I validated her intentions by trying to then follow the oral sex with intercourse. She allowed me to begin, but then she held me motionless inside of her. I stared lovingly into her eyes for a long time. She told me that she loved me very much, and that she understood that taking on the role of head of household was a new way for us to express our love to each other. She then had me pull out of her… without an orgasm.
I expected that I would then cuddle up next to her in bed, so I was surprised that told me to wash and fold two loads of laundry sitting in the closet. This took me over two hours and kept me up until 1:30 in the morning. She told me that when I was finished, I was to set the alarm to wake up to get the kids ready for school (which she usually did), and to sleep on the floor beside the bed.
Over the next few weeks, I was introduced to her approach to making this work. To begin with, she wanted it to be transparent to nobody but us that we had this new arrangement. This included the kids, neighbors, relatives, etc. So while I am always respectful to her in front of others, we are both careful that the tone of our conversations never conveys the depth of my respect for her authority in our relationship.
Secondly, she was not kidding when she told me to be careful for what I was wishing. The staying up late to fold the laundry was the beginning of a trial period where she made me really prove that this was what I wanted. The next night, I rubbed her feet and massaged her calves for almost two hours while she watched women’s talk shows that were saved on the DVR. When she was ready for bed, she gave me a list of chores that took me until after 3:00 in the morning to complete. Again, however, she had me up with the kids by 6:45 the next morning.
There was some version of this testing of my dedication that went on for those next few weeks, and still occurs to this day, granted less frequently. I was typically staying up past one to do something for her. I painted, I cleaned the basement, I detailed her care. However, it wasn’t always staying up late. One night, for example, she had me go to bed two hours earlier than I would normally do so, while she stayed up and read on the couch. One weekend she had me take the kids to her parents’ house out of town, and spend the weekend there while she did a spa weekend with her girlfriends. On weekends, she would have me wake at 5:00 a.m. to work on my chores. To this day, I am still expected to be up by 7:00 on weekends and always doing something that she needs me to do. I have not slept in late for years, but believe me, I’m fine with that. My dedication to her is limitless, as is my devotion and my love.
We are now more than two years into this, so it is not a passing fad. I could not be happier. For everyone that reads your blog that has tried and failed, take my advice… try again.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
What a wonderful story. Not only is the virtue of patience and persistence so obvious in your letter, but I love the depth to which she tests your devotion. A wife led marriage is not just the moments of gratification when you adore her sexually; the bulk of the devotion comes with non-sexual service. It is not comfortable, it is not convenient, and it is often a sacrifice to your personal comfort. You are a better man, leading a fuller life because of your wife. You are truly blessed.
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Hello Emily,
I have been a follower of you web site and have read the letters and your responses seemly dozens of times. When I stumbled onto your site several months ago I was elated to see in print what I had only then begun to sense that I desired. I wanted to become a husband in a female led marriage. I have been married 21 years, am 51 and only now have discovered that I am the happiest when serving my wife. It was uncanny how your site described the stealth submission which described my actions to a T. At that time I had been practicing (although not calling it) stealth submission for about a month.
The light bulb went off for me when my wife finally gave in to my offer to deliver her sexual pleasure without her reciprocating on me. That fateful night was exhilarating for me. I don't believe I slept more than 2 hours that night. I lay awake as she slept, content, with her head on my shoulder. I replayed the evening over and over in my mind while never losing my state of arousal that resulted from her acceptance of my service while denying me. From that point on I knew that I had found my place in her service. Since that time I have assumed virtually every chore and task that I can identify around the house and with the children. Trying to beat her to each one, thereby making her life more stress free and hopefully more enjoyable for her. When I say all chores I mean ALL chores. I do all the cleaning, laundry (washing, drying, folding, ironing, putting away), car maintenance, household maintenance, picking up clutter around the house, etc. I especially focus on her personal services like making sure her business suites are properly ironed and put away, I clean her vanity sink every day, put her shoes away from where ever she drops them, I make the bed, offer her foot rubs almost every evening, she gets up to a hot breakfast and coffee and news paper every day. It crazy the amount I do for her.
At this point I have not revealed to her my desire to become submissive to her and serve her and for her become the leader of our household. I have recently purchased and read your book "Around Her Finger" (also set my phone ringtone for her calls to the song "Wrapped Around Her Finger" by the Police). It has been about 5 months since I have made the significant change in my behavior towards her. She has only twice allowed me to pleasure sexually without reciprocating to me since the original time. And each time she allowed me to, or accepted my offer, I thanked her profusely and told her that I very much liked her having control over me and whether or not I orgasm or not. It is funny, but I am most able to be open and be vulnerable to her in bed after sex (without orgasm) than I am in normal daily life.
With all of this change, she has not ask me any questions about why, she has not commented on my hyper level of service, and I am wondering if she will be a candidate for this type of relationship. We are very traditional in our lifestyle, religious, and conservative by all measures. She is a very strong person, opinionated, confident and can be down right bossy. She seems like the exact type of woman that would enjoy being in charge but I am not sure. I would have thought she would have taken my hint by now and said something that would have lead into a conversation about this subject but she has not. I am totally terrified to bring it up myself due to the chance she will reject me for a being weird and for wanting to be something less than a masculine man that I have tried to model all of our life together.
Have you ran across this situation before where the husband has assumed the stealth submission role and the wife morphed into the role of the leader and thereby making it easier to have the conversation that I know has to happen between she and I for us to truly make the transition to a FLM? I would appreciate your advice.
Thank you for reading and I look forward to your reply.
Alan
Ken responds…
Alan, I can tell you with near 100% certainty that your wife will never “morp” into the authority figure that you want her to be unless you are more open in regard to what you need from the relationship. Print the email you sent to us and give it to her along with a copy of our book. This is the time to show courage.
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Emily and Ken,
Thank you so much for your web page and your book. I have desired a female-led relationship with my wife of 36 years for a long, long time... years. So much so that I, on my own, began stealth submission many years ago because my wife is, and always has been, a very in-control person and she will readily admit that. You are exactly spot-on when you say that stealth submission is not at all satisfying. Indeed, after a while it is counter-productive as it becomes taken for granted, which then breeds resentment. After reading your book, now I know why! I have to tell you that that knowledge alone is helpful and has given me great hope. I know that the stories of Al and Cassie and Zach and Leigh Ann [from the book] were fiction, but still, there were a few places that hit so close to home that I nearly cried. I could not stop reading it.
This weekend we are going away...just the two of us. I intend to give her a silver dollar at dinner tomorrow night. She will be totally confused, and I will simply tell her that she will understand once she reads your book. I can't wait. I feel like a little kid getting ready to go to Disneyland for the first time. And at the same time I am nervous and completely fearful. My wife is very conservative and, just like in your book, she rejects anything she thinks sounds "kinky" (whatever that really is). We've bought relationship books together from time to time at bookstores because we both recognize that we need something in our relationship. Her libido is at zero and has been for years. There is no doubt that I am contributing to that. We even tried counseling for a few years. One or the other of us will read a few pages or even chapters of the book and then...well... it just gets set aside. Business as usual. So, for starters I just pray that somehow I can get her to read it...all the way through to the very last page.
I covet your prayers and any final suggestions.
(2nd email, following up on first follows)
First of all, thank you both so much for replying. You don't know how much it means to me.
Well, it was a most interesting weekend. I put the silver dollar in a gift box and wrapped it up. I hid it until we got to the restaurant and ordered dinner and a glass of wine. Then I brought it out. She didn't want to unwrap it there in the restaurant with other people all around. She is a very private person. So, I had to wait until we got back to our room. She opened it and says, "Huh?" I told her it meant something but she would have to read something and it would become obvious, but I told her that it was about something that I've wanted to discuss about our relationship.
So, while she went to take a shower I put your book out. I had printed it, put it in a binder and gift wrapped it. On the front of the binder I placed a letter that I had written. It pointed out the marriages of family members where the female is clearly in-charge and that they were clearly the most happy. That is essentially how I broached the subject. I said I wanted the same thing and hoped that she did as well. I then referred to the script to your introduction CD. (I hope that was OK.) When she came out I gave her the bag and said to open it while I took a shower. I wanted her to read it alone. Clearly, I knew she would not have time to read the entire book, but I was hoping she would at least read the prologue and introduction.
When I came out she said almost exactly what I had expected... that this isn't her; she can't do this. She had only read my letter and the CD script. I didn't try to push it or otherwise try to convince her. I just said I am trying to improve our relationship and simply promising each other to "do better" isn't working. This is at least something much more tangible. As she was clearly very tired, I left it at that for the night. Oh, how I wanted to dive into it.
The next day was wonderful. We spent the morning on a 3 mile trail to the beach and the afternoon with champagne and sandwiches on the beach. It was very relaxing. We really only talked about how refreshing it was to get away. I had brought the binder with us and she saw it, but she didn't bring it up, and I decided that patience is a virtue. I was really hoping that she would at least start to read it then. Nope. Everything I've read says that this is much harder for the wife to embrace than the husband. So far that's certainly true here.
However, that night when I got out of the shower, she said that she had read the prologue and the Introduction. I asked her what she thought, and she replied, "Interesting." My head and my heart were about to explode. "Interesting?!... What does that mean?!" I'm thinking to myself. She said it was the "checklist." I couldn't remember the list, so I asked if she would like to discuss it. She said OK, but not right then. At least she read that far all on her own, and she didn't totally reject it. Baby steps, right?
The next day we planned to be in a small town for a late lunch at 1:00PM. We got there around 11:00AM so we had some time to kill and decided to do some shopping. While she was shopping, I re-read the prologue and introduction especially the list of traits that Ken saw in himself. Well, what do you know, I fit all but one. At brunch I told her that I had re-read the prologue and intro while she was shopping. She just kind of said, "Oh, ok, good." Then I said that she should still read the entire book to get the whole picture. She didn't say yes, but she didn't say no either. And that's where we are.
So, I'm thinking to print the list and putting a check mark in the boxes to all those that apply to me and give it to her. Besides that, how long do I wait to lovingly nudge her to read the book?
Sorry for the long narrative. Probably much more than you wanted, but it feels good to be able to talk to someone about it.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
wait at least two month. You have been married 36 years, so don’t expect it to turn on a dime. Patience, patience, patience.
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Dear Emily and Ken,
First, thank you so much for your incredibly well thought out website and book. The fact you avoid having any kinky content made it so much easier for me to suggest an AHF relationship to my wife. I could be confident to let her look through the site in her own time knowing there was nothing too kinky that would have probably put her off.
We are at an early stage. She has read the book and loved it. She has already been managing my orgasms for a while, and we are about to trial the boot camp. The reason I write is that I am curious about the financial element of her control. This would not be something she'd demand, and it is not something I am 100% confident about, but I can see the benefit and like the extent of control this would give her. I just wonder about the practicalities. How would it work if I'd like to treat her? How would I be able to surprise her with something that may not be within my allowance? I currently enjoy treating her each month and think that I'd lose this if my wages went straight to her. Do you have any advice on this aspect of the relationship and examples of how this would work in practice?
As I mentioned, I am not 100% sure as I have always been good with money, and I like to manage my finances as well as treat her but the gesture of giving her full control of the money is attractive. I also don't know what she'd make of it, so any thoughts on this would also be much appreciated.
Many thanks again for your fantastic resource. Keep up the great work.
Alex
Ken responds…
Have you asked her how she would like to handle the finances? That would be the obvious place to start. Explain your perspective to her, but let her dictate the path forward that she serves her best. She may be happy with the status quo. She may not want the added responsibility of managing all of the household money. She may prefer that you do it.
Take a deep breath. Let her lead. You follow.
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Dear Ken and Emily,
Thank you for your excellent site. For a long time now, it felt very natural and thrilling to imagine giving my wife the gift of my complete and enthusiastic deference and submission. However, it is difficult to find a site devoted to this idea that does not also weave in a heavy dose of lurid images, language, hand extreme ideas that I'm sure you do not need spelled out for you.
Your site, by contrast, is for grown-ups. It is also a site I can encourage my wife to look at without freaking her out. I've been carefully introducing her to your ideas, and, as a no-nonsense gal from Missouri, it has been a slow and cautious journey.
But even gals from Missouri don't mind if their husbands are helping with the housework. Or letting them pick the movies we rent. Or staying home to spend time with her instead of playing golf for eight hours every Saturday. So while her friends are complaining at lunch that their husbands can't remember to take out the garbage, she's smiling quietly to herself trying to remember the last time she touched the washer and dryer or the dishwasher. We are having fun with this.
Okay, that's my brief history...sorry. I'm sure that's a letter you get all the time, but I just had to spill my story to somebody, as this really is not something we talk about outside of the house.
More pointededly, I did have a question that is my real reason for writing. My wife "plays along" with this dynamic, so far, just fine. But I want her to do more than play along. As you frequently say on your site, it is important that the wife acknowledge her authority. My wife is having trouble with this part of it. She is not, by nature, a selfish person or someone who would be inclined to exploit a situation for her own personal gain. But I'm trying to tell her, "Exploit me!" haha...it sounds silly, but it's true. You are absolutely correct in emphasizing how important that is. Consider these two statements from a wife:
A) Honey, I have a craving for a chocolate Frosty from Wendy's. Would you mind? Please?
B) I want a chocolate Frosty from Wendy's. I know it's late, I know it's raining, and I also know that you will do this for me, because I'm the Boss of you. Why are you still here?
Don't ask me to explain it, but option (B) thrills me to my bones. Like most men who visit your site, it is not that I want my wife to be "mean" to me...I just want her to be confident in her authority over me and to not be shy about reminding me that I am her well-trained, obedient husband. I want her to develop a curiosity about testing out just how far she can push it. Your site will help me explain that to her.
So anyway....sorry for the long letter, but I just wanted to say how helpful your site is, and I intend to use your advice and instruction to help her fully embrace this dynamic rather than keep it cautiously at arm's length.
Thank you!
Mel
Ken responds…
Mel, I know it sounds like we are selling books hard this month, but in truth, the book is enormously helpful in solving your problem. This blog is helpful as well, and it costs nothing. Your letter is another option. Show her your letter, and then direct her to the site and to the blog for context.
As always, communication is the key to making this work for both of you.
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Emily and Ken,
In reply to one of the letters on your website you mention a method of orgasm management, "red ball green ball"? I haven't seen it in "Around Her Finger", and I can't find it on your website. It sounds interesting. I was curious what the rules were to this game? Or where I can find the rules on your website.
Thank you guys for all you do...
JT
Ken responds…
The red and green ball game is simple. Fill a small bowl with small red balls or beads. Then add back a number of green balls or beads. Before intimacy, she can draw from the bowl a single bead and place it beside the bowl. If she draws a red ball, then you know to cease with intimacy following oral sex (or during intercourse, but before climax…whatever she prefers). If she draws a green ball, then you proceed with intercourse and orgasm. Obviously, the more green balls that are in the bowl, the more you will be experiencing climax.
The primary benefit to this game is that she can effectively ration your orgasms without have to actively engage in verbal communication to that effect. Many women are uncomfortable with actually saying “stop” or “no” or even pushing you away when you initiate intercourse. By drawing the bead, she is letting chance dictate the outcome, but she still remains effectively in control of the process. Also, if she should choose to be more prescriptive, she can always choose the color of ball that suits her needs.
Everything you can do to make her more comfortable with her authority over you the better. This is just an easy way to simplify her decision making and communication process.
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Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Happiest of holidays to all of our readers. Thank you all for the continued letters of support and commitment to our mission. We remain dedicated to providing a safe landing zone where men can send their wives and partners to learn more about female-led relationships.
Emily
Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:
www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I have read a number of letters on your site that seem to suggest that a woman’s openness to your ideas is a function of her age, or maybe more accurately, the generation with which she identifies. I agree completely.
I am in my early twenties, and my friends and I seem to be more comfortable with the notion of an open discussion of where men fall on the dominant/submissive continuum than my mother’s generation. I believe my father, a wonderful man and great husband, was submissive to my mother, but I believe it was an unspoken dance that the two went through together. I don’t think they ever discussed it openly.
For me and my female friends, we understand that it is a key dimension of compatibility. We are all attractive, educated young women, and we each seek relationships with high quality, driven men, but men who are willing to put their egos aside and openly defer the lead role in the relationship to the woman. These are not difficult conversations for us to have with the men we meet, and I find men more than willing to articulate an honest opinion about their own preferences on a first date or even following an introduction at a party.
For my own part, my standards are high. I expect loyalty, respect, and an expressed understanding that I call the shots, and that I have complete freedom to pursue the life that I choose to lead. In return, I am willing to open my heart, return the respect, and give him what he needs to be happy in a relationship that we share together -- on my terms. There is no shortage of fantastic men that long for a relationship like this.
Kimberley
Emily responds…
I think your observations are correct relative to the generation gap. I am not so certain that your attitude, while admirable and progressive, is shared by your entire generation, but the trend is certainly developing. Submission should not be a stigma, and wife-led marriage should be an option that is open to all.
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Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken,
I am proof positive that persistence pays off.
I have been married to my wife for seventeen years. While I knew that I was submissive before I married her, I thought that these feelings would fade with time. I never knew how ingrained these feeling were, and I certainly did not anticipate that they would grow in intensity over time rather than fade as I had predicted. Several months into my marriage I had tried to introduce playful elements of female authority in the bedroom, but she would really have no part of it. She was very conservative and very set in her ways. She was not the least bit open to anything that wasn’t incredibly main stream.
From the start, I did have a couple of things going for me that have kept the submissive side in me somewhat satisfied. One of those is that my wife is a very demanding. She’s certainly not dominant, in fact she’s generally very low key, but she likes to get pampered and she likes to have things her way. The second thing is that, in the bedroom, she really enjoys having oral sex performed on her. So even if our very vanilla sex life has traditionally ended in intercourse with me climaxing, I have at least gotten the great pleasure of spending fifteen to thirty wonderful minutes giving her my complete attention prior to intercourse.
Like most men on here, I tried the path of stealth submission. Also like most men on here, I learned the limitations of unilaterally submitting. So while I am sure she enjoyed the initial surge of foot rubs, massages, and me doing all the laundry… it didn’t work for me. It was probably about that time that I discovered your site. So, like many men on here desperate to be in a truly female-led marriage, I opened up to her. I sent her an email with a link to the site, and I followed this by giving her a copy of your book. I felt it was too awkward to actually speak to her about the topic, and maybe this was a mistake. She seemed to ignore the email and then book. When I finally asked her, she said simply that she was not interested, and she was surprised that I would have suggested it. To me, it was outright rejection.
About a month after that, however, we went on a trip out of town. We had a great dinner, and when we came back to the room, she went into the bathroom to get ready. She came out wearing an incredibly sexy outfit, and she lay down next to me on the bed. She kissed me and then whispered in my ear that we were not going to have sex. She wanted me to go down on her, and when she was satisfied, we would go to sleep. This was an amazing night. It was the first time that I felt the rush of being denied an orgasm. I think she liked it too, and we played with this for about three months. However, one night she just announced that she did not want this anymore. She said it just didn’t feel like her. It all ended , with no good explanation, as quickly as it had begun.
So life went on, but my need to have loving female authority in my life never went away. Then, probably about two to two and a half years ago, things just started to go wrong for me at work. I didn’t lose my job, it was just that I had a new boss who was a jerk, new pressures, and I felt like I was bringing all that stress home from the office. She noticed that change, and obviously was not happy with my declining mood and my short temper. In my own head, I knew I was not the person I wanted to be. I just couldn’t find peace; I couldn’t focus.
Then, very suddenly, things changed. I came home from working very late in the office one night. The kids had already gone to bed, and my wife was also in bed, reading. I went about my business, putting my things away, and also getting ready for bed. I climbed into bed next to her, and without saying anything, I turned on the TV. I know that she hates it when I turn the TV on when she is trying to read, but I didn’t care. I was exhausted, and I was being selfish. Ordinarily she would just endure it, or she would put the book up and go to sleep, but this night was different.
She told me to turn the TV off without asking or without saying please. Despite my sour mood, I am still hard wired to respond to female authority, so I took notice, and I turned off the TV. Then she told me to go lock the bedroom door and take off my clothes. It was only then that I noticed what she was reading, it was the copy of Around Her Finger that I had given her years earlier. She was still wearing a robe, but she pulled the covers away from herself. She motioned for me to the side of the bed, and she opened the robe revealing that she wore nothing underneath. She had me kneel in front of her, and she held up the book to make sure I noticed. Pointing at the book, she asked me if this is what I really wanted. I told her that I did.
She told me she was prepared to take it very seriously, and that I needed to be ready to go wherever she wanted to take this, and that I should be careful what I wish for as the reality may not match the fantasy. She said that there were parts of this that she would have trouble getting used to, and she was sure that this would be the case for me as well. This was all music to my ears. She had me go down on her, and when she was satisfied, I validated her intentions by trying to then follow the oral sex with intercourse. She allowed me to begin, but then she held me motionless inside of her. I stared lovingly into her eyes for a long time. She told me that she loved me very much, and that she understood that taking on the role of head of household was a new way for us to express our love to each other. She then had me pull out of her… without an orgasm.
I expected that I would then cuddle up next to her in bed, so I was surprised that told me to wash and fold two loads of laundry sitting in the closet. This took me over two hours and kept me up until 1:30 in the morning. She told me that when I was finished, I was to set the alarm to wake up to get the kids ready for school (which she usually did), and to sleep on the floor beside the bed.
Over the next few weeks, I was introduced to her approach to making this work. To begin with, she wanted it to be transparent to nobody but us that we had this new arrangement. This included the kids, neighbors, relatives, etc. So while I am always respectful to her in front of others, we are both careful that the tone of our conversations never conveys the depth of my respect for her authority in our relationship.
Secondly, she was not kidding when she told me to be careful for what I was wishing. The staying up late to fold the laundry was the beginning of a trial period where she made me really prove that this was what I wanted. The next night, I rubbed her feet and massaged her calves for almost two hours while she watched women’s talk shows that were saved on the DVR. When she was ready for bed, she gave me a list of chores that took me until after 3:00 in the morning to complete. Again, however, she had me up with the kids by 6:45 the next morning.
There was some version of this testing of my dedication that went on for those next few weeks, and still occurs to this day, granted less frequently. I was typically staying up past one to do something for her. I painted, I cleaned the basement, I detailed her care. However, it wasn’t always staying up late. One night, for example, she had me go to bed two hours earlier than I would normally do so, while she stayed up and read on the couch. One weekend she had me take the kids to her parents’ house out of town, and spend the weekend there while she did a spa weekend with her girlfriends. On weekends, she would have me wake at 5:00 a.m. to work on my chores. To this day, I am still expected to be up by 7:00 on weekends and always doing something that she needs me to do. I have not slept in late for years, but believe me, I’m fine with that. My dedication to her is limitless, as is my devotion and my love.
We are now more than two years into this, so it is not a passing fad. I could not be happier. For everyone that reads your blog that has tried and failed, take my advice… try again.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
What a wonderful story. Not only is the virtue of patience and persistence so obvious in your letter, but I love the depth to which she tests your devotion. A wife led marriage is not just the moments of gratification when you adore her sexually; the bulk of the devotion comes with non-sexual service. It is not comfortable, it is not convenient, and it is often a sacrifice to your personal comfort. You are a better man, leading a fuller life because of your wife. You are truly blessed.
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Hello Emily,
I have been a follower of you web site and have read the letters and your responses seemly dozens of times. When I stumbled onto your site several months ago I was elated to see in print what I had only then begun to sense that I desired. I wanted to become a husband in a female led marriage. I have been married 21 years, am 51 and only now have discovered that I am the happiest when serving my wife. It was uncanny how your site described the stealth submission which described my actions to a T. At that time I had been practicing (although not calling it) stealth submission for about a month.
The light bulb went off for me when my wife finally gave in to my offer to deliver her sexual pleasure without her reciprocating on me. That fateful night was exhilarating for me. I don't believe I slept more than 2 hours that night. I lay awake as she slept, content, with her head on my shoulder. I replayed the evening over and over in my mind while never losing my state of arousal that resulted from her acceptance of my service while denying me. From that point on I knew that I had found my place in her service. Since that time I have assumed virtually every chore and task that I can identify around the house and with the children. Trying to beat her to each one, thereby making her life more stress free and hopefully more enjoyable for her. When I say all chores I mean ALL chores. I do all the cleaning, laundry (washing, drying, folding, ironing, putting away), car maintenance, household maintenance, picking up clutter around the house, etc. I especially focus on her personal services like making sure her business suites are properly ironed and put away, I clean her vanity sink every day, put her shoes away from where ever she drops them, I make the bed, offer her foot rubs almost every evening, she gets up to a hot breakfast and coffee and news paper every day. It crazy the amount I do for her.
At this point I have not revealed to her my desire to become submissive to her and serve her and for her become the leader of our household. I have recently purchased and read your book "Around Her Finger" (also set my phone ringtone for her calls to the song "Wrapped Around Her Finger" by the Police). It has been about 5 months since I have made the significant change in my behavior towards her. She has only twice allowed me to pleasure sexually without reciprocating to me since the original time. And each time she allowed me to, or accepted my offer, I thanked her profusely and told her that I very much liked her having control over me and whether or not I orgasm or not. It is funny, but I am most able to be open and be vulnerable to her in bed after sex (without orgasm) than I am in normal daily life.
With all of this change, she has not ask me any questions about why, she has not commented on my hyper level of service, and I am wondering if she will be a candidate for this type of relationship. We are very traditional in our lifestyle, religious, and conservative by all measures. She is a very strong person, opinionated, confident and can be down right bossy. She seems like the exact type of woman that would enjoy being in charge but I am not sure. I would have thought she would have taken my hint by now and said something that would have lead into a conversation about this subject but she has not. I am totally terrified to bring it up myself due to the chance she will reject me for a being weird and for wanting to be something less than a masculine man that I have tried to model all of our life together.
Have you ran across this situation before where the husband has assumed the stealth submission role and the wife morphed into the role of the leader and thereby making it easier to have the conversation that I know has to happen between she and I for us to truly make the transition to a FLM? I would appreciate your advice.
Thank you for reading and I look forward to your reply.
Alan
Ken responds…
Alan, I can tell you with near 100% certainty that your wife will never “morp” into the authority figure that you want her to be unless you are more open in regard to what you need from the relationship. Print the email you sent to us and give it to her along with a copy of our book. This is the time to show courage.
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Emily and Ken,
Thank you so much for your web page and your book. I have desired a female-led relationship with my wife of 36 years for a long, long time... years. So much so that I, on my own, began stealth submission many years ago because my wife is, and always has been, a very in-control person and she will readily admit that. You are exactly spot-on when you say that stealth submission is not at all satisfying. Indeed, after a while it is counter-productive as it becomes taken for granted, which then breeds resentment. After reading your book, now I know why! I have to tell you that that knowledge alone is helpful and has given me great hope. I know that the stories of Al and Cassie and Zach and Leigh Ann [from the book] were fiction, but still, there were a few places that hit so close to home that I nearly cried. I could not stop reading it.
This weekend we are going away...just the two of us. I intend to give her a silver dollar at dinner tomorrow night. She will be totally confused, and I will simply tell her that she will understand once she reads your book. I can't wait. I feel like a little kid getting ready to go to Disneyland for the first time. And at the same time I am nervous and completely fearful. My wife is very conservative and, just like in your book, she rejects anything she thinks sounds "kinky" (whatever that really is). We've bought relationship books together from time to time at bookstores because we both recognize that we need something in our relationship. Her libido is at zero and has been for years. There is no doubt that I am contributing to that. We even tried counseling for a few years. One or the other of us will read a few pages or even chapters of the book and then...well... it just gets set aside. Business as usual. So, for starters I just pray that somehow I can get her to read it...all the way through to the very last page.
I covet your prayers and any final suggestions.
(2nd email, following up on first follows)
First of all, thank you both so much for replying. You don't know how much it means to me.
Well, it was a most interesting weekend. I put the silver dollar in a gift box and wrapped it up. I hid it until we got to the restaurant and ordered dinner and a glass of wine. Then I brought it out. She didn't want to unwrap it there in the restaurant with other people all around. She is a very private person. So, I had to wait until we got back to our room. She opened it and says, "Huh?" I told her it meant something but she would have to read something and it would become obvious, but I told her that it was about something that I've wanted to discuss about our relationship.
So, while she went to take a shower I put your book out. I had printed it, put it in a binder and gift wrapped it. On the front of the binder I placed a letter that I had written. It pointed out the marriages of family members where the female is clearly in-charge and that they were clearly the most happy. That is essentially how I broached the subject. I said I wanted the same thing and hoped that she did as well. I then referred to the script to your introduction CD. (I hope that was OK.) When she came out I gave her the bag and said to open it while I took a shower. I wanted her to read it alone. Clearly, I knew she would not have time to read the entire book, but I was hoping she would at least read the prologue and introduction.
When I came out she said almost exactly what I had expected... that this isn't her; she can't do this. She had only read my letter and the CD script. I didn't try to push it or otherwise try to convince her. I just said I am trying to improve our relationship and simply promising each other to "do better" isn't working. This is at least something much more tangible. As she was clearly very tired, I left it at that for the night. Oh, how I wanted to dive into it.
The next day was wonderful. We spent the morning on a 3 mile trail to the beach and the afternoon with champagne and sandwiches on the beach. It was very relaxing. We really only talked about how refreshing it was to get away. I had brought the binder with us and she saw it, but she didn't bring it up, and I decided that patience is a virtue. I was really hoping that she would at least start to read it then. Nope. Everything I've read says that this is much harder for the wife to embrace than the husband. So far that's certainly true here.
However, that night when I got out of the shower, she said that she had read the prologue and the Introduction. I asked her what she thought, and she replied, "Interesting." My head and my heart were about to explode. "Interesting?!... What does that mean?!" I'm thinking to myself. She said it was the "checklist." I couldn't remember the list, so I asked if she would like to discuss it. She said OK, but not right then. At least she read that far all on her own, and she didn't totally reject it. Baby steps, right?
The next day we planned to be in a small town for a late lunch at 1:00PM. We got there around 11:00AM so we had some time to kill and decided to do some shopping. While she was shopping, I re-read the prologue and introduction especially the list of traits that Ken saw in himself. Well, what do you know, I fit all but one. At brunch I told her that I had re-read the prologue and intro while she was shopping. She just kind of said, "Oh, ok, good." Then I said that she should still read the entire book to get the whole picture. She didn't say yes, but she didn't say no either. And that's where we are.
So, I'm thinking to print the list and putting a check mark in the boxes to all those that apply to me and give it to her. Besides that, how long do I wait to lovingly nudge her to read the book?
Sorry for the long narrative. Probably much more than you wanted, but it feels good to be able to talk to someone about it.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
wait at least two month. You have been married 36 years, so don’t expect it to turn on a dime. Patience, patience, patience.
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Dear Emily and Ken,
First, thank you so much for your incredibly well thought out website and book. The fact you avoid having any kinky content made it so much easier for me to suggest an AHF relationship to my wife. I could be confident to let her look through the site in her own time knowing there was nothing too kinky that would have probably put her off.
We are at an early stage. She has read the book and loved it. She has already been managing my orgasms for a while, and we are about to trial the boot camp. The reason I write is that I am curious about the financial element of her control. This would not be something she'd demand, and it is not something I am 100% confident about, but I can see the benefit and like the extent of control this would give her. I just wonder about the practicalities. How would it work if I'd like to treat her? How would I be able to surprise her with something that may not be within my allowance? I currently enjoy treating her each month and think that I'd lose this if my wages went straight to her. Do you have any advice on this aspect of the relationship and examples of how this would work in practice?
As I mentioned, I am not 100% sure as I have always been good with money, and I like to manage my finances as well as treat her but the gesture of giving her full control of the money is attractive. I also don't know what she'd make of it, so any thoughts on this would also be much appreciated.
Many thanks again for your fantastic resource. Keep up the great work.
Alex
Ken responds…
Have you asked her how she would like to handle the finances? That would be the obvious place to start. Explain your perspective to her, but let her dictate the path forward that she serves her best. She may be happy with the status quo. She may not want the added responsibility of managing all of the household money. She may prefer that you do it.
Take a deep breath. Let her lead. You follow.
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Dear Ken and Emily,
Thank you for your excellent site. For a long time now, it felt very natural and thrilling to imagine giving my wife the gift of my complete and enthusiastic deference and submission. However, it is difficult to find a site devoted to this idea that does not also weave in a heavy dose of lurid images, language, hand extreme ideas that I'm sure you do not need spelled out for you.
Your site, by contrast, is for grown-ups. It is also a site I can encourage my wife to look at without freaking her out. I've been carefully introducing her to your ideas, and, as a no-nonsense gal from Missouri, it has been a slow and cautious journey.
But even gals from Missouri don't mind if their husbands are helping with the housework. Or letting them pick the movies we rent. Or staying home to spend time with her instead of playing golf for eight hours every Saturday. So while her friends are complaining at lunch that their husbands can't remember to take out the garbage, she's smiling quietly to herself trying to remember the last time she touched the washer and dryer or the dishwasher. We are having fun with this.
Okay, that's my brief history...sorry. I'm sure that's a letter you get all the time, but I just had to spill my story to somebody, as this really is not something we talk about outside of the house.
More pointededly, I did have a question that is my real reason for writing. My wife "plays along" with this dynamic, so far, just fine. But I want her to do more than play along. As you frequently say on your site, it is important that the wife acknowledge her authority. My wife is having trouble with this part of it. She is not, by nature, a selfish person or someone who would be inclined to exploit a situation for her own personal gain. But I'm trying to tell her, "Exploit me!" haha...it sounds silly, but it's true. You are absolutely correct in emphasizing how important that is. Consider these two statements from a wife:
A) Honey, I have a craving for a chocolate Frosty from Wendy's. Would you mind? Please?
B) I want a chocolate Frosty from Wendy's. I know it's late, I know it's raining, and I also know that you will do this for me, because I'm the Boss of you. Why are you still here?
Don't ask me to explain it, but option (B) thrills me to my bones. Like most men who visit your site, it is not that I want my wife to be "mean" to me...I just want her to be confident in her authority over me and to not be shy about reminding me that I am her well-trained, obedient husband. I want her to develop a curiosity about testing out just how far she can push it. Your site will help me explain that to her.
So anyway....sorry for the long letter, but I just wanted to say how helpful your site is, and I intend to use your advice and instruction to help her fully embrace this dynamic rather than keep it cautiously at arm's length.
Thank you!
Mel
Ken responds…
Mel, I know it sounds like we are selling books hard this month, but in truth, the book is enormously helpful in solving your problem. This blog is helpful as well, and it costs nothing. Your letter is another option. Show her your letter, and then direct her to the site and to the blog for context.
As always, communication is the key to making this work for both of you.
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Emily and Ken,
In reply to one of the letters on your website you mention a method of orgasm management, "red ball green ball"? I haven't seen it in "Around Her Finger", and I can't find it on your website. It sounds interesting. I was curious what the rules were to this game? Or where I can find the rules on your website.
Thank you guys for all you do...
JT
Ken responds…
The red and green ball game is simple. Fill a small bowl with small red balls or beads. Then add back a number of green balls or beads. Before intimacy, she can draw from the bowl a single bead and place it beside the bowl. If she draws a red ball, then you know to cease with intimacy following oral sex (or during intercourse, but before climax…whatever she prefers). If she draws a green ball, then you proceed with intercourse and orgasm. Obviously, the more green balls that are in the bowl, the more you will be experiencing climax.
The primary benefit to this game is that she can effectively ration your orgasms without have to actively engage in verbal communication to that effect. Many women are uncomfortable with actually saying “stop” or “no” or even pushing you away when you initiate intercourse. By drawing the bead, she is letting chance dictate the outcome, but she still remains effectively in control of the process. Also, if she should choose to be more prescriptive, she can always choose the color of ball that suits her needs.
Everything you can do to make her more comfortable with her authority over you the better. This is just an easy way to simplify her decision making and communication process.
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Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Monday, October 03, 2011
October 2011 Updates
I know our updates are getting fewer and farther between. There is no excuse for our lack of activity other than our busy lives. Forgive us, but please stick with us as our mission and this website remains important to us as well as the community.
Emily
Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I am in my mid twenties, and recently married to a wonderful man. We dated in college where I would argue that the patriarchal relationship model you often reference often on your site was almost non-existent. I’m not suggesting that female-led relationships are the norm, I’m only suggesting that the college campus is an environment where there are no pre-established expectations about who should necessarily be the alpha partner in the relationship. Absent these expectations, I believe that relationships of equals or relationships where women held slightly more authority were probably more typical than male-led relationships.
Looking back, the seeds of my current female-led marriage were in place when my husband and I first met as co-eds. For the first six months of my relationship with my then boyfriend, our sexual intimacy was limited to his performing oral sex on me, but me never doing the same for him. It’s important to understand that this was not an unusual practice on my part. I had had other relationships with similar rules of intimacy, and many of my friends had the same arrangement. The men I dated generally pushed back at first, but my sense is that their resistance to the limits I imposed was more because it was expected of them to pursue intercourse, not so much that they really needed it. Once they were resigned to the boundaries I drew, I believe that this was an adequate level of intimacy for these men. I would say that for my now husband, it was more than adequate, it was preferred. He thrived on what I would now call orgasm management.
After we graduated, we both got good jobs in what still remain our careers to this day. We continued to date, and while we engaged in intercourse occasionally, it never became the most common form of sexual contact between us. We talked about it, but he either did not understand what it suggested about our relationship, or he chose not to articulate it. Either way, the dynamics in our relationship went more or less unspoken until I discovered the history files on his PC.
The sites that I discovered were much more severe than anything you would discuss on your forum. It was clear from his history file that he was sexually excited by a range of activities, some of which I found very interesting, but other of which I found very distasteful. All of these activities had one common theme, and that theme was men submitting to female authority.
I think the best decision I ever made was not to over-react, but to instead try to understand what all of this meant. Did it mean that in order for him to be sexually satisfied that I would have to participate in those activities? Absent your site and others like it, I might have lacked the insight into the root causes and best possible understanding of my husband. This was particularly true in the context of everything I already knew (and loved) about him.
When I did finally confront him about his history file, his shame was evident, but not long-lasting. I told him that I understood his desire to submit, and that I was willing to work with him to channel these feelings in a way that would be productive for both of us. This would require a new understanding between us, and a new set of rules for our relationship. We would formalize some of the behaviors that already existed, but I would also introduce new expectations, some of which I knew he would embrace, but others of which I thought he might tire over time.
I wasn’t sure how he would go for these changes after the initial newness wore off, but his enthusiasm did not dampen in that first year, and it has not dampened in the two years since we have been married.
He does most of the work around the home. I do some occasional cooking and some gardening, both of which I enjoy. He works incredibly hard to make my life wonderful and in so doing it makes both of our lives richer and more complete. He is allowed to orgasm very seldom (about once a month), and I have found that as long as he is allowed to perform oral sex on me, he remains satisfied sexually and very content in his submissive role.
I have opened up a little regarding aspects of female authority with which I was initially uncomfortable, and I find the freedom that this gives to me as a woman very liberating. The point is that I am in control of our sexual life together, and I can take it in directions that please me, and at a pace at which I am comfortable.
Our parents know nothing of our wife-led marriage, although I suspect his family considers him a bit p-whipped. His friends certainly think he is. My friends are envious, but others are curious. Perhaps one day they will discover the secret to happiness that I have discovered with my own husband.
Thanks for everything you do with your site, and I hope you return to posting soon.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
What a lovely letter. Yes, the younger generation is certainly more open to new ideas than the ones that have come before it. Perhaps a time will come when a community such as ours is no longer necessary to foster the courage and openness that you and your husband have demonstrated.
Letters from Men
Dear Emily,
After years of keeping my feelings to myself, and not really even understanding my feelings, your site has been a huge source of knowledge and confidence. I finally worked up the nerve to discuss the topic with my wife. To my great relief, she seemed to understand perfectly. However, she said she had no interest in playing a role, she had every intention of just being herself, and she did not necessarily see herself as dominant. With that said, she asked exactly how I would expect this to work? How could she remain herself yet provide me with the loving female authority that I wanted from her.
I was at a loss for an answer. Can you help me out with a suggested response? She will be reading any answer directly as I have made her aware of your site as part of our discussion.
Ben
Emily responds…
While Ken typically responds to men’s letters, I am happy to do so on this occasion given that you are really articulating the question on behalf of your wife, and she will be reading the response directly. Please consider this as I direct my response to her.
I would first say that you should absolutely not enter into this relationship with the expectation that you have to be anything other than completely yourself. There should be no “role playing” necessary, and you should not have to say or do anything that does not represent your most organic sense of who you are.
That said, and at the risk of being accused of mincing words, let me qualify the above statements. You should know from reading our site, that completely passive behavior in response to submissive gestures on your husband’s part are generally not adequate to fulfill his need to serve you. There needs to be an overt communication of your places in the marital hierarchy and a shared understanding that he is will respect your authority over him. This does not mean that you tell him every little task that you expect to be done, or that he asks you for permission for every decision in his life (unless this is what you wish, and it sounds from your husband’s letter that it is not). My husband Ken, for example, makes 99% of his own decisions. When occasions arise where we disagree, Ken is welcome and encouraged to share his opinion on the subject at hand, but ultimately, we both know that I have the final say. Also, there is no whining or continued debate after my decisions are made. I expect his enthusiastic support for whatever I might decide.
Again, I think this understanding needs to be overt. In other words, it is not enough to enter into this relationship dynamic by assuming that both sides understand it. Even if that assumption is true, it still must be explicitly stated. I believe it is best when it is spoken. Paraphrase what I have written above. Perhaps you can even write it down and read it out loud to your husband with him kneeling in front of you. Is this role playing? I don’t’ think so. It should come as a sincere expression of your expectations. Is it uncomfortable for many women? It is unquestionably so. Most women – most people – are not comfortable with firm, direct communications of this sort. However, if you understand what this means to your husband, and if you are willing to explore what this can mean for your relationship, then this brief sojourn out of your comfort zone will pay huge dividends. This does not convert you into the domineering wife you never expected to be. You will remain the same sweet, reasonable woman that I imagine you to be today. Your disagreements are not likely to turn into stern scoldings, rather the undercurrent of your authority will leave him eager to yield to your decisions. Not only will this minimize conflict between the two of you, but it will satisfy him in ways that you cannot likely yet appreciate.
You may never have to speak of your authority again in such an overt and direct manner. You may, however, find that you want to do so. A great many women end up finding that once they become accustomed to being the head of the household, they lose any inhibitions about reinforcing their position. However, even if you do not verbally repeat yourself, it is actually important that you do reinforce your initial statement with regular non-verbal reminders. This is most notably done through what we call orgasm management, which again, you are undoubtedly familiar with having already been exposed to our site.
Embrace the opportunity for a deeper level of intimacy with your husband by yielding to his loving aspiration to put your physical pleasures above his own. When your husband selflessly pleasures you, but does not climax himself, you afford him the opportunity to trade his primal desire for a brief, biological sensation for a spiritually meaningful, extended mental and emotional connection to you. This intense intimacy with you is what he really seeks. If having to play sexual traffic cop – stopping him from orgasm in the middle of sexual contact – makes you uncomfortable, then consider the many suggestions we have made to avoid this problem. The red vs. green ball system, found elsewhere in our updates page, is one of the easiest methods.
I hope I have scared you away with my suggestions. I hope my recommendations fall within the realm of what you are willing to explore and what makes you comfortable in your own skin.
-----
Emily,
My wife Mary and I would like to express our sincere thank you for writing the Around Her Finger book. The book had a profoundly successful impact on our marriage, and we have never been happier. Our friends have told us they have never seen a happier and more devoted couple, and wonder what happened!
We recently renewed our wedding vows as a Wife-Led Marriage, and also have a Wife-Led Marriage Agreement that details the specific components of our Wife-Led Marriage. We renewed our vows in a beautiful wedding ceremony performed by a wonderful female officiate on a beach in Florida. This was her first Wife-Led Marriage ceremony, but she told us it was the most meaningful and beautiful ceremony she had ever performed. She told us she was sure she would be performing more as word spread on the tremendous merits of Wife-Led Marriages.
We are both well educated, successful professionals, and would be considered politically conservative. I am the president of a manufacturing company and my wife is a high powered executive in the health care field. We have five children, four of whom are grown and on their own. In our marriage, Mary is clearly the head or our household and dominant partner. She is the final authority on all matters, including financial issues. Our WLM agreement states that Mary is a loving, sensuous, teasing, but VERY FIRM "in-charge" wife. Our agreement also clearly articulates that I am the submissive partner in our marriage and am expected to do the majority of the household chores, obey my wife, serve my wife and make her life as stress-free and pleasant as possible. I would highly recommend other couples consider writing a WLM agreement together as it helps solidify the uniqueness of their particular WLM. In addition, developing it together over a couple of weeks served as a great catalyst for us to communicate openly what each of us needed and expected from each other and our WLM.
We would be happy to share the details of our WLM agreement if you would be interested in reading it.
Sincerely,
Unsigned in Florida
Ken responds…
By all means, please share the agreement. I’d love to post it for our readers to review.
-----
Dear Emily,
I wanted to say "thank you" for what your web site and book has meant to our marriage. My wife and I have been married for thirty-three years. We have raised two wonderful daughters who are both out of the house now.
For the most part the first thirty-two years of our marriage were filled with heartache and strife. Because of our strong Christian beliefs we have been committed to staying together and trying to make things work out. Seven months ago I stumbled upon your web site and I immediately started thinking that this could be the answer I've been looking for. I showed it to my wife and she wasn't too sure about it.
I began to do the things that you suggested. To begin with my wife was still somewhat skeptical. However, as we got started, our marriage immediately began to improve dramatically. It is seven months later and it gets better every day. It's better than it's ever been and we are both happier than we've ever been. I never knew I could love my wife so much. We are so close now and so intimate that it's hard to believe. We love to be with each other now where as before we were at odds most of the time. Thanks again for your web site and book and please keep sharing your life changing message.
Thank you and God Bless!
Unsigned
Ken responds…
So many underestimate the benefits of what this can do for a stale relationship. Thank you for reminding us of the benefits of taking these positive steps forward.
-----
Dear Ken and Emily,
I want a wife-led relationship with all of my heart. However, each time I want to broach the topic with my wife, I become afraid and clam up. Fear of the unknown and needless shame are behind my procrastination, but I can’t seem to shake this fear of the unknown and what her response might be.
It’s terrible for anyone to feel this way when all they want to do is give themselves to the one they love in the way that best fulfills their emotional and physical needs.
Morris
Ken responds…
I could not agree with you more. What’s the worst that could happen? She may reject the concept because she does not understand it, but she will not reject you for breaching the topic.
Take the bold steps to a better relationship now.
------
Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Emily
Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I am in my mid twenties, and recently married to a wonderful man. We dated in college where I would argue that the patriarchal relationship model you often reference often on your site was almost non-existent. I’m not suggesting that female-led relationships are the norm, I’m only suggesting that the college campus is an environment where there are no pre-established expectations about who should necessarily be the alpha partner in the relationship. Absent these expectations, I believe that relationships of equals or relationships where women held slightly more authority were probably more typical than male-led relationships.
Looking back, the seeds of my current female-led marriage were in place when my husband and I first met as co-eds. For the first six months of my relationship with my then boyfriend, our sexual intimacy was limited to his performing oral sex on me, but me never doing the same for him. It’s important to understand that this was not an unusual practice on my part. I had had other relationships with similar rules of intimacy, and many of my friends had the same arrangement. The men I dated generally pushed back at first, but my sense is that their resistance to the limits I imposed was more because it was expected of them to pursue intercourse, not so much that they really needed it. Once they were resigned to the boundaries I drew, I believe that this was an adequate level of intimacy for these men. I would say that for my now husband, it was more than adequate, it was preferred. He thrived on what I would now call orgasm management.
After we graduated, we both got good jobs in what still remain our careers to this day. We continued to date, and while we engaged in intercourse occasionally, it never became the most common form of sexual contact between us. We talked about it, but he either did not understand what it suggested about our relationship, or he chose not to articulate it. Either way, the dynamics in our relationship went more or less unspoken until I discovered the history files on his PC.
The sites that I discovered were much more severe than anything you would discuss on your forum. It was clear from his history file that he was sexually excited by a range of activities, some of which I found very interesting, but other of which I found very distasteful. All of these activities had one common theme, and that theme was men submitting to female authority.
I think the best decision I ever made was not to over-react, but to instead try to understand what all of this meant. Did it mean that in order for him to be sexually satisfied that I would have to participate in those activities? Absent your site and others like it, I might have lacked the insight into the root causes and best possible understanding of my husband. This was particularly true in the context of everything I already knew (and loved) about him.
When I did finally confront him about his history file, his shame was evident, but not long-lasting. I told him that I understood his desire to submit, and that I was willing to work with him to channel these feelings in a way that would be productive for both of us. This would require a new understanding between us, and a new set of rules for our relationship. We would formalize some of the behaviors that already existed, but I would also introduce new expectations, some of which I knew he would embrace, but others of which I thought he might tire over time.
I wasn’t sure how he would go for these changes after the initial newness wore off, but his enthusiasm did not dampen in that first year, and it has not dampened in the two years since we have been married.
He does most of the work around the home. I do some occasional cooking and some gardening, both of which I enjoy. He works incredibly hard to make my life wonderful and in so doing it makes both of our lives richer and more complete. He is allowed to orgasm very seldom (about once a month), and I have found that as long as he is allowed to perform oral sex on me, he remains satisfied sexually and very content in his submissive role.
I have opened up a little regarding aspects of female authority with which I was initially uncomfortable, and I find the freedom that this gives to me as a woman very liberating. The point is that I am in control of our sexual life together, and I can take it in directions that please me, and at a pace at which I am comfortable.
Our parents know nothing of our wife-led marriage, although I suspect his family considers him a bit p-whipped. His friends certainly think he is. My friends are envious, but others are curious. Perhaps one day they will discover the secret to happiness that I have discovered with my own husband.
Thanks for everything you do with your site, and I hope you return to posting soon.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
What a lovely letter. Yes, the younger generation is certainly more open to new ideas than the ones that have come before it. Perhaps a time will come when a community such as ours is no longer necessary to foster the courage and openness that you and your husband have demonstrated.
Letters from Men
Dear Emily,
After years of keeping my feelings to myself, and not really even understanding my feelings, your site has been a huge source of knowledge and confidence. I finally worked up the nerve to discuss the topic with my wife. To my great relief, she seemed to understand perfectly. However, she said she had no interest in playing a role, she had every intention of just being herself, and she did not necessarily see herself as dominant. With that said, she asked exactly how I would expect this to work? How could she remain herself yet provide me with the loving female authority that I wanted from her.
I was at a loss for an answer. Can you help me out with a suggested response? She will be reading any answer directly as I have made her aware of your site as part of our discussion.
Ben
Emily responds…
While Ken typically responds to men’s letters, I am happy to do so on this occasion given that you are really articulating the question on behalf of your wife, and she will be reading the response directly. Please consider this as I direct my response to her.
I would first say that you should absolutely not enter into this relationship with the expectation that you have to be anything other than completely yourself. There should be no “role playing” necessary, and you should not have to say or do anything that does not represent your most organic sense of who you are.
That said, and at the risk of being accused of mincing words, let me qualify the above statements. You should know from reading our site, that completely passive behavior in response to submissive gestures on your husband’s part are generally not adequate to fulfill his need to serve you. There needs to be an overt communication of your places in the marital hierarchy and a shared understanding that he is will respect your authority over him. This does not mean that you tell him every little task that you expect to be done, or that he asks you for permission for every decision in his life (unless this is what you wish, and it sounds from your husband’s letter that it is not). My husband Ken, for example, makes 99% of his own decisions. When occasions arise where we disagree, Ken is welcome and encouraged to share his opinion on the subject at hand, but ultimately, we both know that I have the final say. Also, there is no whining or continued debate after my decisions are made. I expect his enthusiastic support for whatever I might decide.
Again, I think this understanding needs to be overt. In other words, it is not enough to enter into this relationship dynamic by assuming that both sides understand it. Even if that assumption is true, it still must be explicitly stated. I believe it is best when it is spoken. Paraphrase what I have written above. Perhaps you can even write it down and read it out loud to your husband with him kneeling in front of you. Is this role playing? I don’t’ think so. It should come as a sincere expression of your expectations. Is it uncomfortable for many women? It is unquestionably so. Most women – most people – are not comfortable with firm, direct communications of this sort. However, if you understand what this means to your husband, and if you are willing to explore what this can mean for your relationship, then this brief sojourn out of your comfort zone will pay huge dividends. This does not convert you into the domineering wife you never expected to be. You will remain the same sweet, reasonable woman that I imagine you to be today. Your disagreements are not likely to turn into stern scoldings, rather the undercurrent of your authority will leave him eager to yield to your decisions. Not only will this minimize conflict between the two of you, but it will satisfy him in ways that you cannot likely yet appreciate.
You may never have to speak of your authority again in such an overt and direct manner. You may, however, find that you want to do so. A great many women end up finding that once they become accustomed to being the head of the household, they lose any inhibitions about reinforcing their position. However, even if you do not verbally repeat yourself, it is actually important that you do reinforce your initial statement with regular non-verbal reminders. This is most notably done through what we call orgasm management, which again, you are undoubtedly familiar with having already been exposed to our site.
Embrace the opportunity for a deeper level of intimacy with your husband by yielding to his loving aspiration to put your physical pleasures above his own. When your husband selflessly pleasures you, but does not climax himself, you afford him the opportunity to trade his primal desire for a brief, biological sensation for a spiritually meaningful, extended mental and emotional connection to you. This intense intimacy with you is what he really seeks. If having to play sexual traffic cop – stopping him from orgasm in the middle of sexual contact – makes you uncomfortable, then consider the many suggestions we have made to avoid this problem. The red vs. green ball system, found elsewhere in our updates page, is one of the easiest methods.
I hope I have scared you away with my suggestions. I hope my recommendations fall within the realm of what you are willing to explore and what makes you comfortable in your own skin.
-----
Emily,
My wife Mary and I would like to express our sincere thank you for writing the Around Her Finger book. The book had a profoundly successful impact on our marriage, and we have never been happier. Our friends have told us they have never seen a happier and more devoted couple, and wonder what happened!
We recently renewed our wedding vows as a Wife-Led Marriage, and also have a Wife-Led Marriage Agreement that details the specific components of our Wife-Led Marriage. We renewed our vows in a beautiful wedding ceremony performed by a wonderful female officiate on a beach in Florida. This was her first Wife-Led Marriage ceremony, but she told us it was the most meaningful and beautiful ceremony she had ever performed. She told us she was sure she would be performing more as word spread on the tremendous merits of Wife-Led Marriages.
We are both well educated, successful professionals, and would be considered politically conservative. I am the president of a manufacturing company and my wife is a high powered executive in the health care field. We have five children, four of whom are grown and on their own. In our marriage, Mary is clearly the head or our household and dominant partner. She is the final authority on all matters, including financial issues. Our WLM agreement states that Mary is a loving, sensuous, teasing, but VERY FIRM "in-charge" wife. Our agreement also clearly articulates that I am the submissive partner in our marriage and am expected to do the majority of the household chores, obey my wife, serve my wife and make her life as stress-free and pleasant as possible. I would highly recommend other couples consider writing a WLM agreement together as it helps solidify the uniqueness of their particular WLM. In addition, developing it together over a couple of weeks served as a great catalyst for us to communicate openly what each of us needed and expected from each other and our WLM.
We would be happy to share the details of our WLM agreement if you would be interested in reading it.
Sincerely,
Unsigned in Florida
Ken responds…
By all means, please share the agreement. I’d love to post it for our readers to review.
-----
Dear Emily,
I wanted to say "thank you" for what your web site and book has meant to our marriage. My wife and I have been married for thirty-three years. We have raised two wonderful daughters who are both out of the house now.
For the most part the first thirty-two years of our marriage were filled with heartache and strife. Because of our strong Christian beliefs we have been committed to staying together and trying to make things work out. Seven months ago I stumbled upon your web site and I immediately started thinking that this could be the answer I've been looking for. I showed it to my wife and she wasn't too sure about it.
I began to do the things that you suggested. To begin with my wife was still somewhat skeptical. However, as we got started, our marriage immediately began to improve dramatically. It is seven months later and it gets better every day. It's better than it's ever been and we are both happier than we've ever been. I never knew I could love my wife so much. We are so close now and so intimate that it's hard to believe. We love to be with each other now where as before we were at odds most of the time. Thanks again for your web site and book and please keep sharing your life changing message.
Thank you and God Bless!
Unsigned
Ken responds…
So many underestimate the benefits of what this can do for a stale relationship. Thank you for reminding us of the benefits of taking these positive steps forward.
-----
Dear Ken and Emily,
I want a wife-led relationship with all of my heart. However, each time I want to broach the topic with my wife, I become afraid and clam up. Fear of the unknown and needless shame are behind my procrastination, but I can’t seem to shake this fear of the unknown and what her response might be.
It’s terrible for anyone to feel this way when all they want to do is give themselves to the one they love in the way that best fulfills their emotional and physical needs.
Morris
Ken responds…
I could not agree with you more. What’s the worst that could happen? She may reject the concept because she does not understand it, but she will not reject you for breaching the topic.
Take the bold steps to a better relationship now.
------
Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
January/February 2011
January/February 2011 Updates
Happy New Year!
Thanks to all of you who wished us well over the holidays. This community continues to give back to us in so many ways. We remain thankful for the opportunity to be a part of your evolving relationships. The path to an Around Her Finger relationship is not necessarily easy, but it is always rewarding. Make whatever resolutions you must in order to realize your potential in 2011.
Emily
Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Emily,
My husband of fifteen years gave me your book on the first day of the New Year as a commitment to follow through on his New Year’s resolution. I have just finished reading it, and I have to admit that I am absolutely and utterly shocked that he would want this from me. My shock, however, is only matched by my delight. It seems like years of sometimes odd and unexplained behavior now makes sense when I look back at it through the prism of his new openness on this topic.
I want you to know that beginning this weekend, I am going to embrace this with all of my heart. I believe that there is something in this for both of us, and I feel that for the first time that I have the tools and the understanding to really make the most of our relationship together.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
You warm my heart with your optimism and enthusiasm. I am certain that this will be a wonderful step forward in your marriage.
*****
Dear Emily,
My husband and I have always had a very open and understanding relationship. I understood that he had an inclination to submit to me even before we married, but after marrying, we embraced his submission as a couple, and have lived a life very much like you describe on your site. We did this before discovering Around Her Finger, but we still enjoy your updates section [and other sites], as it gives us ideas and energy for own relationship.
While those that know us both can clearly tell that I am the alpha spouse in the relationship, we have never been forthcoming about the depth and nature of my authority in the home. Our family and friends just think of him as “whipped”. I know you have counseled other couples to be similarly discreet, so I know that our choice in this matter is consistent with your advice on the topic. However, over the holidays, our discretion took an accidental nose dive off of a cliff, so I am writing now for your advice on how to handle my current situation.
Over the years there have been several minor and unintentional cracks in our secret as it relates to my brother-in-law’s (my younger sister’s husband’s) knowledge of our LFA marriage. There were no smoking guns, but just some things we wish he hadn’t seen or overheard. For example, he one time heard me scolding my husband and heard my husband’s very obedient and reverent “Yes, Ma’am” replies. These were nothing, however, compared to what happened two days before Christmas when my sister and her husband came in from out of town to stay with us. It was in the middle of the day, and my sister told me that she and her husband were going out to do some shopping and would return just in time to go out to dinner with us. Unbeknownst to me, my sister’s husband backed out at the last minute and opted to take a mid-day nap on the living room couch. The back of the living room couch faces out to the hallways, so when my husband and I stood in at the base of the stairs right outside this room, we had no idea that he was lying stretched out on this couch.
We [said and revealed a number of things that made the nature of our relationship obvious but do not bear repeating here]. Long story short, my brother-in-law had only just lain down to take his nap, and he was not even half-way asleep. He heard everything. I suppose he could have remained in repose behind the back of the couch, but he sat up and gave us a look of near disbelief. My husband and I scurried off to our bedroom, but the cat was very much out of the bag. After collecting our wits and discussing the best option, we walked out of our room to speak to my brother-in-law together.
We explained our relationship. We actually talked about your site and told him that it was very much descriptive of our relationship. We explained that this is way more common than many would ever suspect. We told him that we understood if he felt that he needed to talk to my sister (his wife), but we asked that once he made the decision on whether or not to share the story with her, that he let us know his decision. We are certainly not ashamed of our lifestyle, but we understand that it is not without controversy, and we wanted to be prepared for any possible reaction she might have had.
I should not have been surprised by his response to our conversation, but the fact is that it knocked me off my feet. His indicated that he would be happy to keep our secret if that was our desire, but he would rather share the story for the very simple reason that he desired the exact same dynamic in his own marriage. For a very long time, he had been harboring an intense desire to submit to my sister.
He was clearly sincere. While he was not familiar with your site, he was familiar with [certain other sites related to the same topic]. Also, he was very familiar with [certain topics] about which I cannot imagine he would have possessed such detailed knowledge without a passion for inquiry inspired by genuine interest. He asked me if I thought my sister would be open to the idea. I told him I preferred not to speculate. I firmly suggested that he acquaint himself with http://www.aroundherfinger.com/, your books, and your update page. I told him that I would take it upon myself to write to you and seek your advice as to how we should all proceed, and that we would discuss as a group (he, my husband and I) whether or not to act on your counsel.
While I do not want to pressure you, I do value your input. What do you suggest we do? Also, I know your updates have been fewer and fewer recently. I do hope you will reply as quickly as possible with your ideas.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
What an interesting predicament. I would love to be more challenged by your circumstances, but I am afraid that my decision is an easy one. I believe that if your brother-in-law desires to submit to his wife, then he needs to unilaterally approach her and open up about his feelings. He needs to face his fears, articulate his desires, and go through what may be prove to be a long journey to loving female authority as opposed to the quick turn that he no doubt believes your help would allow.
His loving submission to his wife is ultimately an intensely personal matter, and if it does not always remain as such, it should at least begin as such. This is enough to warrant my advice, but there is more. If you all go to her together, then she will feel overwhelmed and ganged up on. This seems like an incredibly unfair imposition.
Let this be between him and her. Be there for him as he takes his first caution steps, but only as a distant advisor and coach. Let this play out between this couple without your active involvement… please.
Letters from Men
Hello Emily and Ken,
First off, I want to thank you for your great website. I found it a few years ago, and had often thought about introducing the wife led marriage concept to my wife. We've been married for a little over five years. It just took a few years to build up the courage and to decide that I was really ready to surrender all control to her.
It was accelerated after I lost my job last year and started working for her new business (using my extensive business background to handle admin, accounting, etc.). So when that happened I started handling all the household duties, too. She was extremely busy and it just made sense. After several months of that and a few minor arguments about some pending decisions, I just felt that maybe it was time to admit my inner desire to submit to her. I told her in bed one morning about three weeks ago after we had played around a bit. She pretty much just took in what I was saying and seemed happy with the idea as long as I still remained the "same man"...she doesn't want some wimpy husband. I assured her I would be the same man, would always give my opinions, just that now she would have the final say.
Now three weeks later, things are pretty good, though she doesn't seem to want to discuss the arrangement very often (if at all). She has certainly had me doing even more for her, and seems to enjoy the nightly foot massages, etc. I've asked her to look at your site, but she still hasn't had time to do so. I'm trying not to pester her, but I do feel I'm missing some of the acknowledgement that is so important for us submissive husbands. She has also agreed to control my orgasms, but isn't very active in that department.
I just want to ask what your thoughts are on getting her more active in acknowledging my submission to her, or should I not worry about it and let her grow more into it? And I'm not sure what to do about her more actively managing my orgasms. I do feel that is super important, and even with my abstaining from masturbation, that I am craving more active control from her. Thank you in advance for any advice.
Regards,
Jon
Ken responds…
First, you are a lucky man that you had the courage to come forward and that she had the open-mindedness to work with you. I suspect her reaction was more nuanced that even you indicated. She seemed to quickly accept the idea (under her stated condition that your masculinity remain prominent and in place), but she seemed to lack the natural curiosity on the topic that one would expect her to have.
Lacking her own curiousity, you need to be patient until she comes to better understand what you need. If she has been reluctant to read the book, she might be more inclined to listen to the confessional CD/mp3. Maybe you could offer to rub her feet as she reads the book you have arleady bought.
One way or another, you need to move to a point where it clicks for her that you need the outward reinforcement of her authority to feel completed. Be patient, stick with it, and you will move ahead together.
*****
Hi Emily and Ken~
I came across your site a while ago and have enjoyed reading everything you and others have posted about the female-led household. I am one of those husbands that would love to introduce my wife to this and submit to her. I have one major concern however.
Let me give you some background. We have two kids. I have been a stay at home dad for about four years now. My wife has a job where she is the top person in charge. Our situation alone lends itself so easily to an AHF relationship. But here is my issue. We're Christians. We're heavily involved in our church. My wife has been a Christian since her youth. And I'm not sure with the whole head of the household thing that she'd be willing to go for it. I was wondering whether you've had any other Christian husbands write in with their struggles on this issue?
Thanks for what you two do! I would so appreciate your guidance on this matter.
Scott
Ken responds…
Many letters like your own have arrived in our inbox. We have been reluctant to address this topic head on as one’s faith is a very personal issue, and we do not want to open ourselves to criticism for sharing our perspective on the matter.
I will say only that for Emily and myself, there is nothing inconsistent with our own Christian faith and loving female authority. Several specific concerns come up repeatedly in the letters that address this topic. I’ll provide a response to each without necessarily belaboring the question at hand.
First, to adore and even to “worship” your wife in the interpersonal sense is in no means a sincere acknowledgement of her divinity or idolatry in any reasonable sense of those words. It is rather an expression of love and affection -- perhaps the deepest and most sincere expression a man can make to his wife. It is completely consistent with a sincere reverence to God and the obvious acknowledgement of God’s much greater place in the universe and in our lives.
Secondly, the notion of the patriarchal household is no more central to Christian doctrine than abstaining from shellfish or any of the many detailed laws described in the early chapters of the Old Testament and in the letters of Paul. At least for myself, I believe that the many detailed instructions in the Bible for how to lead one’s life are secondary to the core tenants of love and devotion to God and to our fellow human beings. While there is much wisdom in the Bible outside of this core message, I believe that there is great leeway in how we lead our lives if we obey the central commandments of loving God with all our heart and our neighbors as ourselves. For me, a female-led relationship in no way interferes with a devotion to God and Christ and an obligation to treat others with respect and dignity.
There are sexual elements of a female led relationship that are not typical, but that does not mean that they are immoral. We are blessed and not cursed by our sexuality, and to embrace it and explore it in the context of a committed, loving relationship is something to which we should all aspire.
I am not an authority on anything other than what I feel and what I believe to be true. I know that for me, this dynamic is not at odds with my faith.
---
Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Happy New Year!
Thanks to all of you who wished us well over the holidays. This community continues to give back to us in so many ways. We remain thankful for the opportunity to be a part of your evolving relationships. The path to an Around Her Finger relationship is not necessarily easy, but it is always rewarding. Make whatever resolutions you must in order to realize your potential in 2011.
Emily
Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Emily,
My husband of fifteen years gave me your book on the first day of the New Year as a commitment to follow through on his New Year’s resolution. I have just finished reading it, and I have to admit that I am absolutely and utterly shocked that he would want this from me. My shock, however, is only matched by my delight. It seems like years of sometimes odd and unexplained behavior now makes sense when I look back at it through the prism of his new openness on this topic.
I want you to know that beginning this weekend, I am going to embrace this with all of my heart. I believe that there is something in this for both of us, and I feel that for the first time that I have the tools and the understanding to really make the most of our relationship together.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
You warm my heart with your optimism and enthusiasm. I am certain that this will be a wonderful step forward in your marriage.
*****
Dear Emily,
My husband and I have always had a very open and understanding relationship. I understood that he had an inclination to submit to me even before we married, but after marrying, we embraced his submission as a couple, and have lived a life very much like you describe on your site. We did this before discovering Around Her Finger, but we still enjoy your updates section [and other sites], as it gives us ideas and energy for own relationship.
While those that know us both can clearly tell that I am the alpha spouse in the relationship, we have never been forthcoming about the depth and nature of my authority in the home. Our family and friends just think of him as “whipped”. I know you have counseled other couples to be similarly discreet, so I know that our choice in this matter is consistent with your advice on the topic. However, over the holidays, our discretion took an accidental nose dive off of a cliff, so I am writing now for your advice on how to handle my current situation.
Over the years there have been several minor and unintentional cracks in our secret as it relates to my brother-in-law’s (my younger sister’s husband’s) knowledge of our LFA marriage. There were no smoking guns, but just some things we wish he hadn’t seen or overheard. For example, he one time heard me scolding my husband and heard my husband’s very obedient and reverent “Yes, Ma’am” replies. These were nothing, however, compared to what happened two days before Christmas when my sister and her husband came in from out of town to stay with us. It was in the middle of the day, and my sister told me that she and her husband were going out to do some shopping and would return just in time to go out to dinner with us. Unbeknownst to me, my sister’s husband backed out at the last minute and opted to take a mid-day nap on the living room couch. The back of the living room couch faces out to the hallways, so when my husband and I stood in at the base of the stairs right outside this room, we had no idea that he was lying stretched out on this couch.
We [said and revealed a number of things that made the nature of our relationship obvious but do not bear repeating here]. Long story short, my brother-in-law had only just lain down to take his nap, and he was not even half-way asleep. He heard everything. I suppose he could have remained in repose behind the back of the couch, but he sat up and gave us a look of near disbelief. My husband and I scurried off to our bedroom, but the cat was very much out of the bag. After collecting our wits and discussing the best option, we walked out of our room to speak to my brother-in-law together.
We explained our relationship. We actually talked about your site and told him that it was very much descriptive of our relationship. We explained that this is way more common than many would ever suspect. We told him that we understood if he felt that he needed to talk to my sister (his wife), but we asked that once he made the decision on whether or not to share the story with her, that he let us know his decision. We are certainly not ashamed of our lifestyle, but we understand that it is not without controversy, and we wanted to be prepared for any possible reaction she might have had.
I should not have been surprised by his response to our conversation, but the fact is that it knocked me off my feet. His indicated that he would be happy to keep our secret if that was our desire, but he would rather share the story for the very simple reason that he desired the exact same dynamic in his own marriage. For a very long time, he had been harboring an intense desire to submit to my sister.
He was clearly sincere. While he was not familiar with your site, he was familiar with [certain other sites related to the same topic]. Also, he was very familiar with [certain topics] about which I cannot imagine he would have possessed such detailed knowledge without a passion for inquiry inspired by genuine interest. He asked me if I thought my sister would be open to the idea. I told him I preferred not to speculate. I firmly suggested that he acquaint himself with http://www.aroundherfinger.com/, your books, and your update page. I told him that I would take it upon myself to write to you and seek your advice as to how we should all proceed, and that we would discuss as a group (he, my husband and I) whether or not to act on your counsel.
While I do not want to pressure you, I do value your input. What do you suggest we do? Also, I know your updates have been fewer and fewer recently. I do hope you will reply as quickly as possible with your ideas.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
What an interesting predicament. I would love to be more challenged by your circumstances, but I am afraid that my decision is an easy one. I believe that if your brother-in-law desires to submit to his wife, then he needs to unilaterally approach her and open up about his feelings. He needs to face his fears, articulate his desires, and go through what may be prove to be a long journey to loving female authority as opposed to the quick turn that he no doubt believes your help would allow.
His loving submission to his wife is ultimately an intensely personal matter, and if it does not always remain as such, it should at least begin as such. This is enough to warrant my advice, but there is more. If you all go to her together, then she will feel overwhelmed and ganged up on. This seems like an incredibly unfair imposition.
Let this be between him and her. Be there for him as he takes his first caution steps, but only as a distant advisor and coach. Let this play out between this couple without your active involvement… please.
Letters from Men
Hello Emily and Ken,
First off, I want to thank you for your great website. I found it a few years ago, and had often thought about introducing the wife led marriage concept to my wife. We've been married for a little over five years. It just took a few years to build up the courage and to decide that I was really ready to surrender all control to her.
It was accelerated after I lost my job last year and started working for her new business (using my extensive business background to handle admin, accounting, etc.). So when that happened I started handling all the household duties, too. She was extremely busy and it just made sense. After several months of that and a few minor arguments about some pending decisions, I just felt that maybe it was time to admit my inner desire to submit to her. I told her in bed one morning about three weeks ago after we had played around a bit. She pretty much just took in what I was saying and seemed happy with the idea as long as I still remained the "same man"...she doesn't want some wimpy husband. I assured her I would be the same man, would always give my opinions, just that now she would have the final say.
Now three weeks later, things are pretty good, though she doesn't seem to want to discuss the arrangement very often (if at all). She has certainly had me doing even more for her, and seems to enjoy the nightly foot massages, etc. I've asked her to look at your site, but she still hasn't had time to do so. I'm trying not to pester her, but I do feel I'm missing some of the acknowledgement that is so important for us submissive husbands. She has also agreed to control my orgasms, but isn't very active in that department.
I just want to ask what your thoughts are on getting her more active in acknowledging my submission to her, or should I not worry about it and let her grow more into it? And I'm not sure what to do about her more actively managing my orgasms. I do feel that is super important, and even with my abstaining from masturbation, that I am craving more active control from her. Thank you in advance for any advice.
Regards,
Jon
Ken responds…
First, you are a lucky man that you had the courage to come forward and that she had the open-mindedness to work with you. I suspect her reaction was more nuanced that even you indicated. She seemed to quickly accept the idea (under her stated condition that your masculinity remain prominent and in place), but she seemed to lack the natural curiosity on the topic that one would expect her to have.
Lacking her own curiousity, you need to be patient until she comes to better understand what you need. If she has been reluctant to read the book, she might be more inclined to listen to the confessional CD/mp3. Maybe you could offer to rub her feet as she reads the book you have arleady bought.
One way or another, you need to move to a point where it clicks for her that you need the outward reinforcement of her authority to feel completed. Be patient, stick with it, and you will move ahead together.
*****
Hi Emily and Ken~
I came across your site a while ago and have enjoyed reading everything you and others have posted about the female-led household. I am one of those husbands that would love to introduce my wife to this and submit to her. I have one major concern however.
Let me give you some background. We have two kids. I have been a stay at home dad for about four years now. My wife has a job where she is the top person in charge. Our situation alone lends itself so easily to an AHF relationship. But here is my issue. We're Christians. We're heavily involved in our church. My wife has been a Christian since her youth. And I'm not sure with the whole head of the household thing that she'd be willing to go for it. I was wondering whether you've had any other Christian husbands write in with their struggles on this issue?
Thanks for what you two do! I would so appreciate your guidance on this matter.
Scott
Ken responds…
Many letters like your own have arrived in our inbox. We have been reluctant to address this topic head on as one’s faith is a very personal issue, and we do not want to open ourselves to criticism for sharing our perspective on the matter.
I will say only that for Emily and myself, there is nothing inconsistent with our own Christian faith and loving female authority. Several specific concerns come up repeatedly in the letters that address this topic. I’ll provide a response to each without necessarily belaboring the question at hand.
First, to adore and even to “worship” your wife in the interpersonal sense is in no means a sincere acknowledgement of her divinity or idolatry in any reasonable sense of those words. It is rather an expression of love and affection -- perhaps the deepest and most sincere expression a man can make to his wife. It is completely consistent with a sincere reverence to God and the obvious acknowledgement of God’s much greater place in the universe and in our lives.
Secondly, the notion of the patriarchal household is no more central to Christian doctrine than abstaining from shellfish or any of the many detailed laws described in the early chapters of the Old Testament and in the letters of Paul. At least for myself, I believe that the many detailed instructions in the Bible for how to lead one’s life are secondary to the core tenants of love and devotion to God and to our fellow human beings. While there is much wisdom in the Bible outside of this core message, I believe that there is great leeway in how we lead our lives if we obey the central commandments of loving God with all our heart and our neighbors as ourselves. For me, a female-led relationship in no way interferes with a devotion to God and Christ and an obligation to treat others with respect and dignity.
There are sexual elements of a female led relationship that are not typical, but that does not mean that they are immoral. We are blessed and not cursed by our sexuality, and to embrace it and explore it in the context of a committed, loving relationship is something to which we should all aspire.
I am not an authority on anything other than what I feel and what I believe to be true. I know that for me, this dynamic is not at odds with my faith.
---
Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Monday, September 27, 2010
October 2010
Fall 2010 Updates
The website if finally back up again. You can find it at www.aroundherfinger.com. An old email address and an expired credit card conspired to let our web hosting renewal slip through the cracks. I offer our sincere apologies for any inconvenience that this may have caused any of you. Also, let me express our great thanks to everyone that sent us emails alerting us to this concern and also expressing interest in getting the site back up and running.
All is well again!
Emily
---
We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Hi Emily,
I wanted to thank you for your website and all of the work you guys have put into it. Let me first provide some background about myself and husband. I am from a wonderful family with loving parents still married and so is my husband. We both had a [very typical religious upbringing], and this relationship is possible for even very traditional persons such as myself and husband. I feel more in love with my husband and my husband trusts me more that he had ever before. I feel cherished, and I feel my husband is wonderful. I am complete.
My husband and I met in college and have been together for about six years now. We have been married for a little over one year. We had a normal relationship except that my libido had always been higher than my husbands. We rarely fought except to fight about sex. I would ask myself is there something wrong with me or is it my husband? We have great sex and a great emotional relationship, so why is this always an issue? I had a lot of shame and unhappiness because I could not figure out my husband and his libido and how to turn him on. This shame and guilt and frustration lasted for almost five and a half years until we went on vacation in the spring when my husband's libido started to increase out of nowhere. I was confused and timid, unsure of what was going on, but also happier than I had ever been before. My husband actually wanted to have sex more than once a week and more than once a day. He was so happy, so emotional, and I loved it.
After a month of the 'change' he finally told me that he had discovered your website and encouraged me to read it. I of course was interested because for so long I had struggled to find what made my husband tick and now he had figured it out. I read the part of the website for the females, and it clicked in my mind. This loving female led relationship was what was missing the whole time.
The first few weeks were wonderful. I felt like when we had first been together. But then my husband wanted more from me, a reasonable amount, but I was afraid. I had fear that it would end, and that I would be left like I had for years hurt and frustrated. So I was hesitant and we quit soon after a few weeks because my husband did not feel that it was a life change I had wanted, and that I was only doing it for him.
A month later I opened up to him, telling him that I missed some of the things we had done with the loving female led relationship and at that point I verbalized all of the things that I had wanted to continue to do. He immediately was turned back on again, and we have fit the roles very nicely since. This relationship change is not for all couples and without great communication skill and [self analysis] we could not have done it. My husband also should have been patient with me from the beginning. I realize he really wanted to make it happen but did not allow time for me to come to terms with what I wanted and needed for myself and our relationship.
So, men, be patient with the woman you love, and females, know yourself. You will do just fine making yourself and your husband very happy.
Thank you Emily! Best wishes!
Sincerely,
A.K.
Emily responds…
I imagine that many men reading your letter find themselves having quite the opposite problem than you and your husband had in your marriage. Men are more likely to have the higher libido, and it is worth noting that AHF relationships offer something for them as well. They may end up having less sex, but the will experience a higher level of sexual energy in the relationship. This comes from the sexual charge that orgasm management brings when it is coupled with overt displays of dominance on the part of their wives, as well as selfless acts of service on the part of the husband.
Also, I know that you are getting more out of the relationship than just the increased libido of your husband, and that is important. Remember to continue to make this about you and your needs. The focus on you will ultimately rebound and give your husband what he needs in return.
Continued best wishes in your marriage!
***
Dear Emily,
I wonder if I am not loving this too much. Ever since I agreed to my husband’s suggestion that I take control in the marriage, I feel as though I have been completely liberated. It’s not like some letters I have read on here where women don’t do any of the household chores, get massages every night, or whatever fantasy scenario they might describe (sometimes it seems unrealistic). For me at least, it is different, but liberating is the right word.
For example, on any given night, I might still cook or do the dishes. But if I do not want to do the dishes, I tell him to do them. And now I know that if I walk up to him, get right in his face, bite his upper lip (gently and sensuously), whisper the command to do the dishes in his ear, that not only have I just avoided the task of doing the dishes, but I have actually given him an intense moment of sexual affection. As he does the dishes, he is actually excited to do them, and he is thinking of me the entire time. What a win-win situation! It is almost a miracle. The rest of the evening might be otherwise conventional, but for him that moment of loving female authority was an emotional high that he can ride all the way until he goes to sleep.
Sexually, it has also been liberating. Our sex life was not bad before, but I never felt free to really open up and communicate what I wanted out of the physical part of our relationship. For example, my husband has always performed oral sex on me as foreplay, but it has lasted for just a couple minutes before he quickly moved on to intercourse. Now, oral sex lasts as long as I want it to last, and if that is all it takes for me to climax, then that is where it ends. As it turns out, [my husband performing oral sex on me] is also an incredibly satisfying sexual experience for him. I never imagined that he enjoyed pleasuring me so much, and now that this is out on the table, we both embrace this activity. (It turns out that he actually enjoys performing oral sex on me over anything else we do sexually.)
I also love when in the middle of intercourse, I can decide to continue or to push him off of me. And as I am sure other women on here have noticed, he is unbelievable doting and attentive in the days that follow the nights when I stop him in mid-act. He becomes the perfect man, and don’t think my friends, sister and even my Mom has not noticed the change. It is really remarkable.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
He was always the perfect man, he just needed the perfect woman to bring it out of him!
------------------------
Letters from Men
Dear Emily,
I need some advice. I think I've been a fairly loving husband over the years. I have a good relationship with my wife and she recognizes that I do much more than most other men.
In the past few months I've introduced my wife to the concept of FLA a couple of times coupled with my verbalizing how much I love her and that I would like to do more for her. She says that she doesn't want any part of it, but she has started to make non-verbal cues that she likes the benefits. I've started giving her back massages every night and spending more time talking before going to sleep. I'm doing more of the housework, but I still believe I'm being more of a stealth submissive than I should be and definitely more than I want to be.
I also find that my mind is getting more consumed with the concept of FLA since reading your blogs. I'm finding that I'm preoccupied at work with these feelings and thoughts. I'm finding that I love my wife more and more, but that I'm not getting enough response from her to carry me through. I'm not sure if she will be agreeable or not.
A couple questions:
1. Is it normal for a man's whole mind to be consumed at this stage?
2. What should be my next steps to get more of a response?
I thank you in advance for your advice and look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Tom
Ken responds…
Both of your questions are very common concerns for men starting down this path. Let me address your question of whether or not it is “normal” to feel consumed by thoughts of female authority. Far be it from me to stray into the perilous territory of defining normal behavior, so let me just say that it is incredibly common. Furthermore, I am not certain that it is only associated with this early phase of your evolution towards an AHF relationship. The more your wife becomes comfortable with her role, the more she chooses to demonstrate her authority, the more you will become fixated on her and pleasing her. This is especially true if she can find a cadence to orgasm management that works for the two of you. You will become increasingly consumed with anything that brings her happiness. Her happiness will become your happiness.
As to what you need to do next, consider that opening up to your wife about the ideas on our site is not a one time event. You have begun a dialogue, but you need to continue that dialogue. She needs to understand the sentiment that you have expressed in your letter to us. She needs to understand that her non-verbal embrace of female authority needs to be accompanied by verbal cues and outright acknowledgement of your new roles.
My best guess is that you are going to succeed, just remain committed.
--------
Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
The website if finally back up again. You can find it at www.aroundherfinger.com. An old email address and an expired credit card conspired to let our web hosting renewal slip through the cracks. I offer our sincere apologies for any inconvenience that this may have caused any of you. Also, let me express our great thanks to everyone that sent us emails alerting us to this concern and also expressing interest in getting the site back up and running.
All is well again!
Emily
---
We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Hi Emily,
I wanted to thank you for your website and all of the work you guys have put into it. Let me first provide some background about myself and husband. I am from a wonderful family with loving parents still married and so is my husband. We both had a [very typical religious upbringing], and this relationship is possible for even very traditional persons such as myself and husband. I feel more in love with my husband and my husband trusts me more that he had ever before. I feel cherished, and I feel my husband is wonderful. I am complete.
My husband and I met in college and have been together for about six years now. We have been married for a little over one year. We had a normal relationship except that my libido had always been higher than my husbands. We rarely fought except to fight about sex. I would ask myself is there something wrong with me or is it my husband? We have great sex and a great emotional relationship, so why is this always an issue? I had a lot of shame and unhappiness because I could not figure out my husband and his libido and how to turn him on. This shame and guilt and frustration lasted for almost five and a half years until we went on vacation in the spring when my husband's libido started to increase out of nowhere. I was confused and timid, unsure of what was going on, but also happier than I had ever been before. My husband actually wanted to have sex more than once a week and more than once a day. He was so happy, so emotional, and I loved it.
After a month of the 'change' he finally told me that he had discovered your website and encouraged me to read it. I of course was interested because for so long I had struggled to find what made my husband tick and now he had figured it out. I read the part of the website for the females, and it clicked in my mind. This loving female led relationship was what was missing the whole time.
The first few weeks were wonderful. I felt like when we had first been together. But then my husband wanted more from me, a reasonable amount, but I was afraid. I had fear that it would end, and that I would be left like I had for years hurt and frustrated. So I was hesitant and we quit soon after a few weeks because my husband did not feel that it was a life change I had wanted, and that I was only doing it for him.
A month later I opened up to him, telling him that I missed some of the things we had done with the loving female led relationship and at that point I verbalized all of the things that I had wanted to continue to do. He immediately was turned back on again, and we have fit the roles very nicely since. This relationship change is not for all couples and without great communication skill and [self analysis] we could not have done it. My husband also should have been patient with me from the beginning. I realize he really wanted to make it happen but did not allow time for me to come to terms with what I wanted and needed for myself and our relationship.
So, men, be patient with the woman you love, and females, know yourself. You will do just fine making yourself and your husband very happy.
Thank you Emily! Best wishes!
Sincerely,
A.K.
Emily responds…
I imagine that many men reading your letter find themselves having quite the opposite problem than you and your husband had in your marriage. Men are more likely to have the higher libido, and it is worth noting that AHF relationships offer something for them as well. They may end up having less sex, but the will experience a higher level of sexual energy in the relationship. This comes from the sexual charge that orgasm management brings when it is coupled with overt displays of dominance on the part of their wives, as well as selfless acts of service on the part of the husband.
Also, I know that you are getting more out of the relationship than just the increased libido of your husband, and that is important. Remember to continue to make this about you and your needs. The focus on you will ultimately rebound and give your husband what he needs in return.
Continued best wishes in your marriage!
***
Dear Emily,
I wonder if I am not loving this too much. Ever since I agreed to my husband’s suggestion that I take control in the marriage, I feel as though I have been completely liberated. It’s not like some letters I have read on here where women don’t do any of the household chores, get massages every night, or whatever fantasy scenario they might describe (sometimes it seems unrealistic). For me at least, it is different, but liberating is the right word.
For example, on any given night, I might still cook or do the dishes. But if I do not want to do the dishes, I tell him to do them. And now I know that if I walk up to him, get right in his face, bite his upper lip (gently and sensuously), whisper the command to do the dishes in his ear, that not only have I just avoided the task of doing the dishes, but I have actually given him an intense moment of sexual affection. As he does the dishes, he is actually excited to do them, and he is thinking of me the entire time. What a win-win situation! It is almost a miracle. The rest of the evening might be otherwise conventional, but for him that moment of loving female authority was an emotional high that he can ride all the way until he goes to sleep.
Sexually, it has also been liberating. Our sex life was not bad before, but I never felt free to really open up and communicate what I wanted out of the physical part of our relationship. For example, my husband has always performed oral sex on me as foreplay, but it has lasted for just a couple minutes before he quickly moved on to intercourse. Now, oral sex lasts as long as I want it to last, and if that is all it takes for me to climax, then that is where it ends. As it turns out, [my husband performing oral sex on me] is also an incredibly satisfying sexual experience for him. I never imagined that he enjoyed pleasuring me so much, and now that this is out on the table, we both embrace this activity. (It turns out that he actually enjoys performing oral sex on me over anything else we do sexually.)
I also love when in the middle of intercourse, I can decide to continue or to push him off of me. And as I am sure other women on here have noticed, he is unbelievable doting and attentive in the days that follow the nights when I stop him in mid-act. He becomes the perfect man, and don’t think my friends, sister and even my Mom has not noticed the change. It is really remarkable.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
He was always the perfect man, he just needed the perfect woman to bring it out of him!
------------------------
Letters from Men
Dear Emily,
I need some advice. I think I've been a fairly loving husband over the years. I have a good relationship with my wife and she recognizes that I do much more than most other men.
In the past few months I've introduced my wife to the concept of FLA a couple of times coupled with my verbalizing how much I love her and that I would like to do more for her. She says that she doesn't want any part of it, but she has started to make non-verbal cues that she likes the benefits. I've started giving her back massages every night and spending more time talking before going to sleep. I'm doing more of the housework, but I still believe I'm being more of a stealth submissive than I should be and definitely more than I want to be.
I also find that my mind is getting more consumed with the concept of FLA since reading your blogs. I'm finding that I'm preoccupied at work with these feelings and thoughts. I'm finding that I love my wife more and more, but that I'm not getting enough response from her to carry me through. I'm not sure if she will be agreeable or not.
A couple questions:
1. Is it normal for a man's whole mind to be consumed at this stage?
2. What should be my next steps to get more of a response?
I thank you in advance for your advice and look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Tom
Ken responds…
Both of your questions are very common concerns for men starting down this path. Let me address your question of whether or not it is “normal” to feel consumed by thoughts of female authority. Far be it from me to stray into the perilous territory of defining normal behavior, so let me just say that it is incredibly common. Furthermore, I am not certain that it is only associated with this early phase of your evolution towards an AHF relationship. The more your wife becomes comfortable with her role, the more she chooses to demonstrate her authority, the more you will become fixated on her and pleasing her. This is especially true if she can find a cadence to orgasm management that works for the two of you. You will become increasingly consumed with anything that brings her happiness. Her happiness will become your happiness.
As to what you need to do next, consider that opening up to your wife about the ideas on our site is not a one time event. You have begun a dialogue, but you need to continue that dialogue. She needs to understand the sentiment that you have expressed in your letter to us. She needs to understand that her non-verbal embrace of female authority needs to be accompanied by verbal cues and outright acknowledgement of your new roles.
My best guess is that you are going to succeed, just remain committed.
--------
Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
August 2010
August 2010 Updates
A healthy relationship is dynamic. Not only does it evolve over time, but certain of its best elements ebb and flow with the seasons of the year and the seasons of our lives. Right now, Ken and I are in a wonderful period of our lives. His work schedule has relaxed in recent months, and I have made a very active effort to channel much of his free time into activities and passions that focus him on making us closer. He has been even more deeply devoted to me as of late, and outward expressions of his affection for me are constant reminders of his passionate and always growing love. In turn, I have indulged him with an intensity and frequency of my own affections. Often these are outward gestures that reinforce my authority in our relationship. I know that these make him feel loved in ways that nothing else can match. After all, affection takes many forms.
We have gotten to the point we are in our own relationship because we trust each other enough to communicate openly. We have built upon this trust by being open and responsive to what each other needs and wants most from the marriage. We have put our own best interests ahead of convention and tradition, and we have been rewarded with a relationship rich in emotion, mutual respect, and very genuine love and affection.
Follow your hearts, abandon your fears, and find what Ken and I have found together.
Emily
-----
We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
It is probably a cliché for women to open their letters to you with a statement of disbelief that their husbands could possibly have been hiding a submissive side. However, I can honestly say that my husband was the prototypical LAST man I would have expected to be submissive.
We recently had his parents pick up the kids and take them to their home for a week over the summer vacation. We were not planning an out of town trip, but it was a chance for us both to spend some more focused time together. That first Monday after the kids were gone, I came home to find your book and a dozen rose on the kitchen table. There was also a card saying that he learned about this book on your website.
An hour later I had read much of the site and was beginning to get an idea of what this was all about. When my husband came home I was still sitting in front of the computer pouring through your updates page. He walked into the room where I was and kissed me on the cheek. Without looking up and in a very firm voice, I told him to go out and get me a glass of wine. In short, I was very interested, and I was going to follow through with this. I was touched that he felt close enough to me and trusted me enough to come forward with this, and I accept it as you describe it, as a means of him demonstrating his affection, love and commitment to me. It would be awkward at first to get used to the idea of being in control, but I could do this for him.
The best thing about all of this is the openness and deep levels of conversation that we now have. I need only to let him kneel and put his mouth between my legs for twenty minutes, and then to stop the intimacy at that point, and he opens up and talks and shares like we were dating again for the first time.
This is magic.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
It is not magic in and of itself; however, when combined with a healthy, loving relationship, it is just that. Honor his trust in you, and cultivate a life together that builds on this new beginning.
-----
Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken,
I wanted to write you a letter explaining how I discovered the joys of a female led relationship. The Around Her Finger blog has been helpful to me in so many ways, and I hope my own story can contribute something to your readers in return for all that your advice has given to me and my fiancé.
I first met my fiancé (I’ll call her ‘Beth’ which is not her real name) five years ago when she became my manager at work. We worked for a very large company, and I had met her briefly before, but for all practical purposes, we got to know each other in a context where our manager/employee roles dictated the nature of our relationship.
Beth is seven years older than I am, but she is a very attractive and a very young looking woman. However, I never let this get in the way of my work, and we always maintained a strictly professional and very positive working relationship for the several years that I was her employee. It is probably worth noting that while I consider myself a very dedicated worker regardless of who my manager might be, there was something very special about working for Beth. I found that I very much wanted to go the extra mile to please her, and I would often stay late and go above and beyond to do my very best when I was her employee. Also, I was always incredibly respectful of her authority and was always mindful to demonstrate my respect for her. I was very disappointed when she decided to leave the company after several years, but we left on good terms, and I knew that she was leaving for a very significant career opportunity at her new employer.
Several months after Beth left my company, I was surprised to get a call from her. I suspected that she might be calling to offer me a job at her new company, but this was not what she had in mind. She had correctly heard that I had broken up with my then girlfriend, with whom I had long but unsatisfying relationship. She asked me if I would consider the possibility of a romantic relationship with her. I was completely shocked. It seemed a very bold move on her part.
Again, she was and remains a beautiful woman. I considered myself a very eligible bachelor, but mostly had dated women my own age. Also, the entire time I worked for her, I had forced myself to think of her as my manager first and a beautiful woman second. I ultimately succeeded with this, so it required a brain reset to imagine that we could be romantically involved. Lucky for me, the brain reset happened instantaneously, and I responded positively and enthusiastically to her question. We arranged for a dinner date that weekend, which led to a series of more dates, and ultimately a committed relationship.
From the very first date, it was clear that there would be something atypical about our relationship. It seemed like the manager/employee roles were still in place. This was in part an unconscious byproduct of the years I had spent working for her, but at certain times, it seemed very conscious on her part. For example, she would always tell me what our plans would be for any given weekend. She would pick restaurants, she would order the wine with our dinner, and she would even assign me little tasks to do at her home. I would be told to pick up her dry cleaning, make her bed, and I was even once told to spend an entire Saturday cleaning her home and getting it ready for a “girls’ party” (to which I was not invited) while she spent the day relaxing at a spa. The sex was very good (conventional, but good) so I did not complain. One night, however, I finally felt compelled to mention it to her.
She smiled at me and confessed that she was surprised it took so long for me to raise the issue. She said that she frankly liked the idea of being in charge in the relationship, and it was her suspicion that I did as well. I was completely shocked. Formal, overtly recognized female led relationship were a foreign concept to me, so I really didn’t even have any context in which to evaluate her statement. I remember very distinctly how she leaned into me, kissed me, and told me she wanted to explore something with me, and that I would need to trust her entirely over the next few weeks as we would experiment with something new in our relationship.
That night we basically entered into a modified boot camp as you describe in your book. She stood and disrobed in front of me, asking me to kneel and go down on her as she remained standing. She said that she cared for me very deeply, but she wanted to explore a relationship with me where I acknowledged her authority, and where I would be expected to obey her. That was the first night that my orgasms were ever “managed” by Beth.
It was like she found a magic switch inside my mind. That night began a female led relationship that has made me happier than I have ever been in my life. Beth shared with me your site, blog and book, and they have all helped tremendously. She awakened something in me that she knew was there, but I did not understand at all.
The next two weeks found Beth becoming increasingly comfortable with a growing level of authority in our relationship. As a result, I began to learn more about myself, and realized that my desire to please Beth in the past had been more than just career ambition; it was sourced from something much deeper and much more personal. My desire to make please a strong, beautiful woman was really an end in itself. Making Beth happy was making me happy. The sexual elements of our very special relationship not only intensified my desires to please her, but they intensified the satisfaction I took from pleasing her. This has been a sustainable benefit and has lasted way beyond those initial two weeks. To any that doubt it, orgasm management works!
I recently asked Beth to marry me, and she has lovingly agreed. Of course it will be on her terms, but as you can imagine, I would not have it any other way.
Jay in the Midwest
Ken responds…
The history of your relationship is a beautiful story and very well told. It is somewhat unusual for the woman to be the instigator in a female led relationship, but it sounds like your fiancé understood that this would benefit both of you.
Congratulations on your pending wedding!
-----
Dear Ken,
I had approached my wife about your website, giving her your book and CD, about four years ago. While we had a brief experiment and a couple of subsequent revisits to female authority, mostly it did not work for us. I believe that this was because it was just not something she wanted. She just did not see herself in the dominant role. However, several months ago, I repositioned LFA as a means to solving a shared problem between us, and now it is working amazingly well. I wanted to share my success with your readers.
My wife is in her middle forties. Her moving beyond child-bearing years (we have two wonderful teenage children) has been accompanied by a decline in her interest in sex. This has been the subject of a number of small arguments between us lately. All of these arguments take place without mentioning the white elephant in the room, the fact that only a few years ago, I was asking her to consider a relationship dynamic where I would put our sex life completely in her hands. While she rejected this, it was still an option I had put on the table. Therefore, she felt very comfortable scaling back the frequency of our sexual intimacy regardless of how I felt about it. I saw her point, but I was still not happy about it. However, the more I thought about my predicament, the more I saw an opportunity in the making.
In large part because of what your site has taught me about myself, I know that sex is not the ultimate goal for me. My desire for sex is a proxy for my desire to achieve an intimate connection with my wife. I also know that I can achieve a higher level intimate connection without sexual intercourse. If she affords me a dominant intimate encounter, a moment of connection between us where she exerts her authority through verbal cues and allows some form of intimacy to occur, then I have received something even more satisfying than intercourse. Given that her level of sexual desire has decreased (but certainly not disappeared), this allows us to meet in the middle and both come out winners. My nagging her about not having enough sex goes away. Her having to give in to a quickie she really does not want also go away. However, our intimacy level in the relationship nonetheless goes up. Again, we all win.
The only trick is getting her comfortable with those dominant, intimate moments. If for example, I try to initiate sex by kissing on her earlobe when we are alone at night, her simply pulling away and refusing me only results in frustration. However, if she kisses me back passionately before telling me to get some lotion and rub her feet “because that is what will make her happy tonight”… then this is something else entirely. In the latter case, I have had some intimacy in being kissed back, and she has made the foot rub much more meaningful than if I had just offered it on my own. Because she has told me to do it as a preferred alternative to sexual intercourse, I feel that she is managing our sexuality and the foot rub is a meaningful expression of my affection for her as I know it is what she wants.
I don’t know if I’m making sense, but I am trying to explain that wives who struggle (like my wife did) with “playing along” with an LFA, can really use small gestures to accomplish a great deal of emotional intimacy with their husbands. A passionate kiss as you give your husband as you hand him a to-do list and tell him that “you’ll do these things for me” may seem like nothing to you, but it would be the world to me (and men like me). It is the combination of this intimacy and gesture of authority that really hits the nail on the head.
Unsigned
Ken responds,
I love it. Dominant intimate moments, maybe we should call them DFI’s, are exactly what many men crave during the day. Many men fantasize about endless oral sex with their wives, but the practical reality is that men’s libido often outpaces a woman’s. Pairing a command with affection can do a great deal to reinforce a man’s need to submit. It is the core of what we describe in our books about increasing the level of sexual energy in the relationship without necessarily increasing the level of sexual intercourse.
A healthy relationship is dynamic. Not only does it evolve over time, but certain of its best elements ebb and flow with the seasons of the year and the seasons of our lives. Right now, Ken and I are in a wonderful period of our lives. His work schedule has relaxed in recent months, and I have made a very active effort to channel much of his free time into activities and passions that focus him on making us closer. He has been even more deeply devoted to me as of late, and outward expressions of his affection for me are constant reminders of his passionate and always growing love. In turn, I have indulged him with an intensity and frequency of my own affections. Often these are outward gestures that reinforce my authority in our relationship. I know that these make him feel loved in ways that nothing else can match. After all, affection takes many forms.
We have gotten to the point we are in our own relationship because we trust each other enough to communicate openly. We have built upon this trust by being open and responsive to what each other needs and wants most from the marriage. We have put our own best interests ahead of convention and tradition, and we have been rewarded with a relationship rich in emotion, mutual respect, and very genuine love and affection.
Follow your hearts, abandon your fears, and find what Ken and I have found together.
Emily
-----
We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
It is probably a cliché for women to open their letters to you with a statement of disbelief that their husbands could possibly have been hiding a submissive side. However, I can honestly say that my husband was the prototypical LAST man I would have expected to be submissive.
We recently had his parents pick up the kids and take them to their home for a week over the summer vacation. We were not planning an out of town trip, but it was a chance for us both to spend some more focused time together. That first Monday after the kids were gone, I came home to find your book and a dozen rose on the kitchen table. There was also a card saying that he learned about this book on your website.
An hour later I had read much of the site and was beginning to get an idea of what this was all about. When my husband came home I was still sitting in front of the computer pouring through your updates page. He walked into the room where I was and kissed me on the cheek. Without looking up and in a very firm voice, I told him to go out and get me a glass of wine. In short, I was very interested, and I was going to follow through with this. I was touched that he felt close enough to me and trusted me enough to come forward with this, and I accept it as you describe it, as a means of him demonstrating his affection, love and commitment to me. It would be awkward at first to get used to the idea of being in control, but I could do this for him.
The best thing about all of this is the openness and deep levels of conversation that we now have. I need only to let him kneel and put his mouth between my legs for twenty minutes, and then to stop the intimacy at that point, and he opens up and talks and shares like we were dating again for the first time.
This is magic.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
It is not magic in and of itself; however, when combined with a healthy, loving relationship, it is just that. Honor his trust in you, and cultivate a life together that builds on this new beginning.
-----
Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken,
I wanted to write you a letter explaining how I discovered the joys of a female led relationship. The Around Her Finger blog has been helpful to me in so many ways, and I hope my own story can contribute something to your readers in return for all that your advice has given to me and my fiancé.
I first met my fiancé (I’ll call her ‘Beth’ which is not her real name) five years ago when she became my manager at work. We worked for a very large company, and I had met her briefly before, but for all practical purposes, we got to know each other in a context where our manager/employee roles dictated the nature of our relationship.
Beth is seven years older than I am, but she is a very attractive and a very young looking woman. However, I never let this get in the way of my work, and we always maintained a strictly professional and very positive working relationship for the several years that I was her employee. It is probably worth noting that while I consider myself a very dedicated worker regardless of who my manager might be, there was something very special about working for Beth. I found that I very much wanted to go the extra mile to please her, and I would often stay late and go above and beyond to do my very best when I was her employee. Also, I was always incredibly respectful of her authority and was always mindful to demonstrate my respect for her. I was very disappointed when she decided to leave the company after several years, but we left on good terms, and I knew that she was leaving for a very significant career opportunity at her new employer.
Several months after Beth left my company, I was surprised to get a call from her. I suspected that she might be calling to offer me a job at her new company, but this was not what she had in mind. She had correctly heard that I had broken up with my then girlfriend, with whom I had long but unsatisfying relationship. She asked me if I would consider the possibility of a romantic relationship with her. I was completely shocked. It seemed a very bold move on her part.
Again, she was and remains a beautiful woman. I considered myself a very eligible bachelor, but mostly had dated women my own age. Also, the entire time I worked for her, I had forced myself to think of her as my manager first and a beautiful woman second. I ultimately succeeded with this, so it required a brain reset to imagine that we could be romantically involved. Lucky for me, the brain reset happened instantaneously, and I responded positively and enthusiastically to her question. We arranged for a dinner date that weekend, which led to a series of more dates, and ultimately a committed relationship.
From the very first date, it was clear that there would be something atypical about our relationship. It seemed like the manager/employee roles were still in place. This was in part an unconscious byproduct of the years I had spent working for her, but at certain times, it seemed very conscious on her part. For example, she would always tell me what our plans would be for any given weekend. She would pick restaurants, she would order the wine with our dinner, and she would even assign me little tasks to do at her home. I would be told to pick up her dry cleaning, make her bed, and I was even once told to spend an entire Saturday cleaning her home and getting it ready for a “girls’ party” (to which I was not invited) while she spent the day relaxing at a spa. The sex was very good (conventional, but good) so I did not complain. One night, however, I finally felt compelled to mention it to her.
She smiled at me and confessed that she was surprised it took so long for me to raise the issue. She said that she frankly liked the idea of being in charge in the relationship, and it was her suspicion that I did as well. I was completely shocked. Formal, overtly recognized female led relationship were a foreign concept to me, so I really didn’t even have any context in which to evaluate her statement. I remember very distinctly how she leaned into me, kissed me, and told me she wanted to explore something with me, and that I would need to trust her entirely over the next few weeks as we would experiment with something new in our relationship.
That night we basically entered into a modified boot camp as you describe in your book. She stood and disrobed in front of me, asking me to kneel and go down on her as she remained standing. She said that she cared for me very deeply, but she wanted to explore a relationship with me where I acknowledged her authority, and where I would be expected to obey her. That was the first night that my orgasms were ever “managed” by Beth.
It was like she found a magic switch inside my mind. That night began a female led relationship that has made me happier than I have ever been in my life. Beth shared with me your site, blog and book, and they have all helped tremendously. She awakened something in me that she knew was there, but I did not understand at all.
The next two weeks found Beth becoming increasingly comfortable with a growing level of authority in our relationship. As a result, I began to learn more about myself, and realized that my desire to please Beth in the past had been more than just career ambition; it was sourced from something much deeper and much more personal. My desire to make please a strong, beautiful woman was really an end in itself. Making Beth happy was making me happy. The sexual elements of our very special relationship not only intensified my desires to please her, but they intensified the satisfaction I took from pleasing her. This has been a sustainable benefit and has lasted way beyond those initial two weeks. To any that doubt it, orgasm management works!
I recently asked Beth to marry me, and she has lovingly agreed. Of course it will be on her terms, but as you can imagine, I would not have it any other way.
Jay in the Midwest
Ken responds…
The history of your relationship is a beautiful story and very well told. It is somewhat unusual for the woman to be the instigator in a female led relationship, but it sounds like your fiancé understood that this would benefit both of you.
Congratulations on your pending wedding!
-----
Dear Ken,
I had approached my wife about your website, giving her your book and CD, about four years ago. While we had a brief experiment and a couple of subsequent revisits to female authority, mostly it did not work for us. I believe that this was because it was just not something she wanted. She just did not see herself in the dominant role. However, several months ago, I repositioned LFA as a means to solving a shared problem between us, and now it is working amazingly well. I wanted to share my success with your readers.
My wife is in her middle forties. Her moving beyond child-bearing years (we have two wonderful teenage children) has been accompanied by a decline in her interest in sex. This has been the subject of a number of small arguments between us lately. All of these arguments take place without mentioning the white elephant in the room, the fact that only a few years ago, I was asking her to consider a relationship dynamic where I would put our sex life completely in her hands. While she rejected this, it was still an option I had put on the table. Therefore, she felt very comfortable scaling back the frequency of our sexual intimacy regardless of how I felt about it. I saw her point, but I was still not happy about it. However, the more I thought about my predicament, the more I saw an opportunity in the making.
In large part because of what your site has taught me about myself, I know that sex is not the ultimate goal for me. My desire for sex is a proxy for my desire to achieve an intimate connection with my wife. I also know that I can achieve a higher level intimate connection without sexual intercourse. If she affords me a dominant intimate encounter, a moment of connection between us where she exerts her authority through verbal cues and allows some form of intimacy to occur, then I have received something even more satisfying than intercourse. Given that her level of sexual desire has decreased (but certainly not disappeared), this allows us to meet in the middle and both come out winners. My nagging her about not having enough sex goes away. Her having to give in to a quickie she really does not want also go away. However, our intimacy level in the relationship nonetheless goes up. Again, we all win.
The only trick is getting her comfortable with those dominant, intimate moments. If for example, I try to initiate sex by kissing on her earlobe when we are alone at night, her simply pulling away and refusing me only results in frustration. However, if she kisses me back passionately before telling me to get some lotion and rub her feet “because that is what will make her happy tonight”… then this is something else entirely. In the latter case, I have had some intimacy in being kissed back, and she has made the foot rub much more meaningful than if I had just offered it on my own. Because she has told me to do it as a preferred alternative to sexual intercourse, I feel that she is managing our sexuality and the foot rub is a meaningful expression of my affection for her as I know it is what she wants.
I don’t know if I’m making sense, but I am trying to explain that wives who struggle (like my wife did) with “playing along” with an LFA, can really use small gestures to accomplish a great deal of emotional intimacy with their husbands. A passionate kiss as you give your husband as you hand him a to-do list and tell him that “you’ll do these things for me” may seem like nothing to you, but it would be the world to me (and men like me). It is the combination of this intimacy and gesture of authority that really hits the nail on the head.
Unsigned
Ken responds,
I love it. Dominant intimate moments, maybe we should call them DFI’s, are exactly what many men crave during the day. Many men fantasize about endless oral sex with their wives, but the practical reality is that men’s libido often outpaces a woman’s. Pairing a command with affection can do a great deal to reinforce a man’s need to submit. It is the core of what we describe in our books about increasing the level of sexual energy in the relationship without necessarily increasing the level of sexual intercourse.
-----
Dear Emily,
Thank you. My wife and I started dabbling in a wife led marriage last August. That was two days after I stumbled upon your site late one night. There is no question that your site has changed our lives for the better. However, I do have a few questions.
- My wife has never formally asserted her authority, as suggested in your book. We talked a little after she read your book and were going in that direction anyway, but no formal talk about new roles. Is it too late and/or am I out of line wanting such a discussion?
- My wife knows from reading - and experience - how taking a tone of authority simply works for me (us). I perform my tasks so much more willingly when she makes her expectations clear and our roles obvious. My complaint is that she does it sparingly. I know it's my job to show her all the benefits of this agreement (as we call it), but I feel like if she really wanted to live a true Around Her Finger marriage, she would take a little more initiative.
I know this sounds like a list of complaints - and you've heard them all before - but it's not. My marriage is 100 percent improved since we tried this arrangement (in every way imaginable). I was scared to death to share this site with my wife, but she has been gracious and understanding throughout. We have had ups and downs with this the past year, but every time she tells me this is how she wants it. All I am saying is that if her authority were more clearly stated and reinforced, I am pretty sure I'd hold up my end better.
I don't think she would be upset if I contacted you on this. I know I'll share your response with her if I get one - if you think that's a good idea. Obviously, I'd love to have her contact you directly, but that's up to her.
Thanks again for your site. It has changed our lives.
Jim
Ken responds...
First, it is never too late to formalize roles. In fact, it is expected that you will have an ongoing dialogue about how any element of the relationship is or is not working for both of you.
The same goes for your second point. It sounds like there are a number of elements of AHF that are not present to your satisfaction. It is ok to complain, but you cannot just stop there. You need to engage your wife on these issues and have that sometimes difficult conversations that it takes to maximize the potential of where you can go together.
-----
Note: The following is the conclusion of an email exchange where a reader was encouraged to approach his wife about his desire for an Around Her Finger relationship.
Dear Ken,
A couple of days after I sent that email I had an opportunity to confess my desires for an FLR and so I took it. She thought I was weird and strange, but her libido went from zero to 1000, so I am feeling a bit more positive about it now. I told her we could have a 6 month trial run and she responded "Why 6 months? Why not forever?", so as predicted she has had a positive response to it. She has already completed a list of daily and weekly chores for me to perform and has started drafting a list of rules she wants me to follow. This is more enthusiastic than I expected but nothing for which I am not comfortable or prepared.
Time will tell on the orgasm management front, I just hope we can meet on some middle ground. I have an issue with pain in my groin if I go too long without release from an old hernia scar, but I think she will be sympathetic to that.
I think this answer was longer than you might have been asking for, but I will continue reading your blog and your book (when I get it).
Thanks again,
E
-----
Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
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