Around Her Finger Updates

December 2011

2011-12-06T10:44:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the December Updates

Happiest of holidays to all of our readers. Thank you all for the continued letters of support and commitment to our mission. We remain dedicated to providing a safe landing zone where men can send their wives and partners to learn more about female-led relationships.

Emily

Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:

www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I have read a number of letters on your site that seem to suggest that a woman’s openness to your ideas is a function of her age, or maybe more accurately, the generation with which she identifies. I agree completely.

I am in my early twenties, and my friends and I seem to be more comfortable with the notion of an open discussion of where men fall on the dominant/submissive continuum than my mother’s generation. I believe my father, a wonderful man and great husband, was submissive to my mother, but I believe it was an unspoken dance that the two went through together. I don’t think they ever discussed it openly.

For me and my female friends, we understand that it is a key dimension of compatibility. We are all attractive, educated young women, and we each seek relationships with high quality, driven men, but men who are willing to put their egos aside and openly defer the lead role in the relationship to the woman. These are not difficult conversations for us to have with the men we meet, and I find men more than willing to articulate an honest opinion about their own preferences on a first date or even following an introduction at a party.

For my own part, my standards are high. I expect loyalty, respect, and an expressed understanding that I call the shots, and that I have complete freedom to pursue the life that I choose to lead. In return, I am willing to open my heart, return the respect, and give him what he needs to be happy in a relationship that we share together -- on my terms. There is no shortage of fantastic men that long for a relationship like this.

Kimberley

Emily responds…

I think your observations are correct relative to the generation gap. I am not so certain that your attitude, while admirable and progressive, is shared by your entire generation, but the trend is certainly developing. Submission should not be a stigma, and wife-led marriage should be an option that is open to all.

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Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

I am proof positive that persistence pays off.

I have been married to my wife for seventeen years. While I knew that I was submissive before I married her, I thought that these feelings would fade with time. I never knew how ingrained these feeling were, and I certainly did not anticipate that they would grow in intensity over time rather than fade as I had predicted. Several months into my marriage I had tried to introduce playful elements of female authority in the bedroom, but she would really have no part of it. She was very conservative and very set in her ways. She was not the least bit open to anything that wasn’t incredibly main stream.

From the start, I did have a couple of things going for me that have kept the submissive side in me somewhat satisfied. One of those is that my wife is a very demanding. She’s certainly not dominant, in fact she’s generally very low key, but she likes to get pampered and she likes to have things her way. The second thing is that, in the bedroom, she really enjoys having oral sex performed on her. So even if our very vanilla sex life has traditionally ended in intercourse with me climaxing, I have at least gotten the great pleasure of spending fifteen to thirty wonderful minutes giving her my complete attention prior to intercourse.

Like most men on here, I tried the path of stealth submission. Also like most men on here, I learned the limitations of unilaterally submitting. So while I am sure she enjoyed the initial surge of foot rubs, massages, and me doing all the laundry… it didn’t work for me. It was probably about that time that I discovered your site. So, like many men on here desperate to be in a truly female-led marriage, I opened up to her. I sent her an email with a link to the site, and I followed this by giving her a copy of your book. I felt it was too awkward to actually speak to her about the topic, and maybe this was a mistake. She seemed to ignore the email and then book. When I finally asked her, she said simply that she was not interested, and she was surprised that I would have suggested it. To me, it was outright rejection.

About a month after that, however, we went on a trip out of town. We had a great dinner, and when we came back to the room, she went into the bathroom to get ready. She came out wearing an incredibly sexy outfit, and she lay down next to me on the bed. She kissed me and then whispered in my ear that we were not going to have sex. She wanted me to go down on her, and when she was satisfied, we would go to sleep. This was an amazing night. It was the first time that I felt the rush of being denied an orgasm. I think she liked it too, and we played with this for about three months. However, one night she just announced that she did not want this anymore. She said it just didn’t feel like her. It all ended , with no good explanation, as quickly as it had begun.

So life went on, but my need to have loving female authority in my life never went away. Then, probably about two to two and a half years ago, things just started to go wrong for me at work. I didn’t lose my job, it was just that I had a new boss who was a jerk, new pressures, and I felt like I was bringing all that stress home from the office. She noticed that change, and obviously was not happy with my declining mood and my short temper. In my own head, I knew I was not the person I wanted to be. I just couldn’t find peace; I couldn’t focus.

Then, very suddenly, things changed. I came home from working very late in the office one night. The kids had already gone to bed, and my wife was also in bed, reading. I went about my business, putting my things away, and also getting ready for bed. I climbed into bed next to her, and without saying anything, I turned on the TV. I know that she hates it when I turn the TV on when she is trying to read, but I didn’t care. I was exhausted, and I was being selfish. Ordinarily she would just endure it, or she would put the book up and go to sleep, but this night was different.

She told me to turn the TV off without asking or without saying please. Despite my sour mood, I am still hard wired to respond to female authority, so I took notice, and I turned off the TV. Then she told me to go lock the bedroom door and take off my clothes. It was only then that I noticed what she was reading, it was the copy of Around Her Finger that I had given her years earlier. She was still wearing a robe, but she pulled the covers away from herself. She motioned for me to the side of the bed, and she opened the robe revealing that she wore nothing underneath. She had me kneel in front of her, and she held up the book to make sure I noticed. Pointing at the book, she asked me if this is what I really wanted. I told her that I did.

She told me she was prepared to take it very seriously, and that I needed to be ready to go wherever she wanted to take this, and that I should be careful what I wish for as the reality may not match the fantasy. She said that there were parts of this that she would have trouble getting used to, and she was sure that this would be the case for me as well. This was all music to my ears. She had me go down on her, and when she was satisfied, I validated her intentions by trying to then follow the oral sex with intercourse. She allowed me to begin, but then she held me motionless inside of her. I stared lovingly into her eyes for a long time. She told me that she loved me very much, and that she understood that taking on the role of head of household was a new way for us to express our love to each other. She then had me pull out of her… without an orgasm.

I expected that I would then cuddle up next to her in bed, so I was surprised that told me to wash and fold two loads of laundry sitting in the closet. This took me over two hours and kept me up until 1:30 in the morning. She told me that when I was finished, I was to set the alarm to wake up to get the kids ready for school (which she usually did), and to sleep on the floor beside the bed.

Over the next few weeks, I was introduced to her approach to making this work. To begin with, she wanted it to be transparent to nobody but us that we had this new arrangement. This included the kids, neighbors, relatives, etc. So while I am always respectful to her in front of others, we are both careful that the tone of our conversations never conveys the depth of my respect for her authority in our relationship.

Secondly, she was not kidding when she told me to be careful for what I was wishing. The staying up late to fold the laundry was the beginning of a trial period where she made me really prove that this was what I wanted. The next night, I rubbed her feet and massaged her calves for almost two hours while she watched women’s talk shows that were saved on the DVR. When she was ready for bed, she gave me a list of chores that took me until after 3:00 in the morning to complete. Again, however, she had me up with the kids by 6:45 the next morning.

There was some version of this testing of my dedication that went on for those next few weeks, and still occurs to this day, granted less frequently. I was typically staying up past one to do something for her. I painted, I cleaned the basement, I detailed her care. However, it wasn’t always staying up late. One night, for example, she had me go to bed two hours earlier than I would normally do so, while she stayed up and read on the couch. One weekend she had me take the kids to her parents’ house out of town, and spend the weekend there while she did a spa weekend with her girlfriends. On weekends, she would have me wake at 5:00 a.m. to work on my chores. To this day, I am still expected to be up by 7:00 on weekends and always doing something that she needs me to do. I have not slept in late for years, but believe me, I’m fine with that. My dedication to her is limitless, as is my devotion and my love.

We are now more than two years into this, so it is not a passing fad. I could not be happier. For everyone that reads your blog that has tried and failed, take my advice… try again.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

What a wonderful story. Not only is the virtue of patience and persistence so obvious in your letter, but I love the depth to which she tests your devotion. A wife led marriage is not just the moments of gratification when you adore her sexually; the bulk of the devotion comes with non-sexual service. It is not comfortable, it is not convenient, and it is often a sacrifice to your personal comfort. You are a better man, leading a fuller life because of your wife. You are truly blessed.

-----

Hello Emily,

I have been a follower of you web site and have read the letters and your responses seemly dozens of times. When I stumbled onto your site several months ago I was elated to see in print what I had only then begun to sense that I desired. I wanted to become a husband in a female led marriage. I have been married 21 years, am 51 and only now have discovered that I am the happiest when serving my wife. It was uncanny how your site described the stealth submission which described my actions to a T. At that time I had been practicing (although not calling it) stealth submission for about a month.

The light bulb went off for me when my wife finally gave in to my offer to deliver her sexual pleasure without her reciprocating on me. That fateful night was exhilarating for me. I don't believe I slept more than 2 hours that night. I lay awake as she slept, content, with her head on my shoulder. I replayed the evening over and over in my mind while never losing my state of arousal that resulted from her acceptance of my service while denying me. From that point on I knew that I had found my place in her service. Since that time I have assumed virtually every chore and task that I can identify around the house and with the children. Trying to beat her to each one, thereby making her life more stress free and hopefully more enjoyable for her. When I say all chores I mean ALL chores. I do all the cleaning, laundry (washing, drying, folding, ironing, putting away), car maintenance, household maintenance, picking up clutter around the house, etc. I especially focus on her personal services like making sure her business suites are properly ironed and put away, I clean her vanity sink every day, put her shoes away from where ever she drops them, I make the bed, offer her foot rubs almost every evening, she gets up to a hot breakfast and coffee and news paper every day. It crazy the amount I do for her.

At this point I have not revealed to her my desire to become submissive to her and serve her and for her become the leader of our household. I have recently purchased and read your book "Around Her Finger" (also set my phone ringtone for her calls to the song "Wrapped Around Her Finger" by the Police). It has been about 5 months since I have made the significant change in my behavior towards her. She has only twice allowed me to pleasure sexually without reciprocating to me since the original time. And each time she allowed me to, or accepted my offer, I thanked her profusely and told her that I very much liked her having control over me and whether or not I orgasm or not. It is funny, but I am most able to be open and be vulnerable to her in bed after sex (without orgasm) than I am in normal daily life.

With all of this change, she has not ask me any questions about why, she has not commented on my hyper level of service, and I am wondering if she will be a candidate for this type of relationship. We are very traditional in our lifestyle, religious, and conservative by all measures. She is a very strong person, opinionated, confident and can be down right bossy. She seems like the exact type of woman that would enjoy being in charge but I am not sure. I would have thought she would have taken my hint by now and said something that would have lead into a conversation about this subject but she has not. I am totally terrified to bring it up myself due to the chance she will reject me for a being weird and for wanting to be something less than a masculine man that I have tried to model all of our life together.

Have you ran across this situation before where the husband has assumed the stealth submission role and the wife morphed into the role of the leader and thereby making it easier to have the conversation that I know has to happen between she and I for us to truly make the transition to a FLM? I would appreciate your advice.

Thank you for reading and I look forward to your reply.

Alan

Ken responds…

Alan, I can tell you with near 100% certainty that your wife will never “morp” into the authority figure that you want her to be unless you are more open in regard to what you need from the relationship. Print the email you sent to us and give it to her along with a copy of our book. This is the time to show courage.

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Emily and Ken,

Thank you so much for your web page and your book. I have desired a female-led relationship with my wife of 36 years for a long, long time... years. So much so that I, on my own, began stealth submission many years ago because my wife is, and always has been, a very in-control person and she will readily admit that. You are exactly spot-on when you say that stealth submission is not at all satisfying. Indeed, after a while it is counter-productive as it becomes taken for granted, which then breeds resentment. After reading your book, now I know why! I have to tell you that that knowledge alone is helpful and has given me great hope. I know that the stories of Al and Cassie and Zach and Leigh Ann [from the book] were fiction, but still, there were a few places that hit so close to home that I nearly cried. I could not stop reading it.

This weekend we are going away...just the two of us. I intend to give her a silver dollar at dinner tomorrow night. She will be totally confused, and I will simply tell her that she will understand once she reads your book. I can't wait. I feel like a little kid getting ready to go to Disneyland for the first time. And at the same time I am nervous and completely fearful. My wife is very conservative and, just like in your book, she rejects anything she thinks sounds "kinky" (whatever that really is). We've bought relationship books together from time to time at bookstores because we both recognize that we need something in our relationship. Her libido is at zero and has been for years. There is no doubt that I am contributing to that. We even tried counseling for a few years. One or the other of us will read a few pages or even chapters of the book and then...well... it just gets set aside. Business as usual. So, for starters I just pray that somehow I can get her to read it...all the way through to the very last page.

I covet your prayers and any final suggestions.

(2nd email, following up on first follows)

First of all, thank you both so much for replying. You don't know how much it means to me.
Well, it was a most interesting weekend. I put the silver dollar in a gift box and wrapped it up. I hid it until we got to the restaurant and ordered dinner and a glass of wine. Then I brought it out. She didn't want to unwrap it there in the restaurant with other people all around. She is a very private person. So, I had to wait until we got back to our room. She opened it and says, "Huh?" I told her it meant something but she would have to read something and it would become obvious, but I told her that it was about something that I've wanted to discuss about our relationship.

So, while she went to take a shower I put your book out. I had printed it, put it in a binder and gift wrapped it. On the front of the binder I placed a letter that I had written. It pointed out the marriages of family members where the female is clearly in-charge and that they were clearly the most happy. That is essentially how I broached the subject. I said I wanted the same thing and hoped that she did as well. I then referred to the script to your introduction CD. (I hope that was OK.) When she came out I gave her the bag and said to open it while I took a shower. I wanted her to read it alone. Clearly, I knew she would not have time to read the entire book, but I was hoping she would at least read the prologue and introduction.

When I came out she said almost exactly what I had expected... that this isn't her; she can't do this. She had only read my letter and the CD script. I didn't try to push it or otherwise try to convince her. I just said I am trying to improve our relationship and simply promising each other to "do better" isn't working. This is at least something much more tangible. As she was clearly very tired, I left it at that for the night. Oh, how I wanted to dive into it.

The next day was wonderful. We spent the morning on a 3 mile trail to the beach and the afternoon with champagne and sandwiches on the beach. It was very relaxing. We really only talked about how refreshing it was to get away. I had brought the binder with us and she saw it, but she didn't bring it up, and I decided that patience is a virtue. I was really hoping that she would at least start to read it then. Nope. Everything I've read says that this is much harder for the wife to embrace than the husband. So far that's certainly true here.

However, that night when I got out of the shower, she said that she had read the prologue and the Introduction. I asked her what she thought, and she replied, "Interesting." My head and my heart were about to explode. "Interesting?!... What does that mean?!" I'm thinking to myself. She said it was the "checklist." I couldn't remember the list, so I asked if she would like to discuss it. She said OK, but not right then. At least she read that far all on her own, and she didn't totally reject it. Baby steps, right?

The next day we planned to be in a small town for a late lunch at 1:00PM. We got there around 11:00AM so we had some time to kill and decided to do some shopping. While she was shopping, I re-read the prologue and introduction especially the list of traits that Ken saw in himself. Well, what do you know, I fit all but one. At brunch I told her that I had re-read the prologue and intro while she was shopping. She just kind of said, "Oh, ok, good." Then I said that she should still read the entire book to get the whole picture. She didn't say yes, but she didn't say no either. And that's where we are.

So, I'm thinking to print the list and putting a check mark in the boxes to all those that apply to me and give it to her. Besides that, how long do I wait to lovingly nudge her to read the book?
Sorry for the long narrative. Probably much more than you wanted, but it feels good to be able to talk to someone about it.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

wait at least two month. You have been married 36 years, so don’t expect it to turn on a dime. Patience, patience, patience.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

First, thank you so much for your incredibly well thought out website and book. The fact you avoid having any kinky content made it so much easier for me to suggest an AHF relationship to my wife. I could be confident to let her look through the site in her own time knowing there was nothing too kinky that would have probably put her off.

We are at an early stage. She has read the book and loved it. She has already been managing my orgasms for a while, and we are about to trial the boot camp. The reason I write is that I am curious about the financial element of her control. This would not be something she'd demand, and it is not something I am 100% confident about, but I can see the benefit and like the extent of control this would give her. I just wonder about the practicalities. How would it work if I'd like to treat her? How would I be able to surprise her with something that may not be within my allowance? I currently enjoy treating her each month and think that I'd lose this if my wages went straight to her. Do you have any advice on this aspect of the relationship and examples of how this would work in practice?

As I mentioned, I am not 100% sure as I have always been good with money, and I like to manage my finances as well as treat her but the gesture of giving her full control of the money is attractive. I also don't know what she'd make of it, so any thoughts on this would also be much appreciated.

Many thanks again for your fantastic resource. Keep up the great work.

Alex

Ken responds…

Have you asked her how she would like to handle the finances? That would be the obvious place to start. Explain your perspective to her, but let her dictate the path forward that she serves her best. She may be happy with the status quo. She may not want the added responsibility of managing all of the household money. She may prefer that you do it.

Take a deep breath. Let her lead. You follow.

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Dear Ken and Emily,

Thank you for your excellent site. For a long time now, it felt very natural and thrilling to imagine giving my wife the gift of my complete and enthusiastic deference and submission. However, it is difficult to find a site devoted to this idea that does not also weave in a heavy dose of lurid images, language, hand extreme ideas that I'm sure you do not need spelled out for you.
Your site, by contrast, is for grown-ups. It is also a site I can encourage my wife to look at without freaking her out. I've been carefully introducing her to your ideas, and, as a no-nonsense gal from Missouri, it has been a slow and cautious journey.

But even gals from Missouri don't mind if their husbands are helping with the housework. Or letting them pick the movies we rent. Or staying home to spend time with her instead of playing golf for eight hours every Saturday. So while her friends are complaining at lunch that their husbands can't remember to take out the garbage, she's smiling quietly to herself trying to remember the last time she touched the washer and dryer or the dishwasher. We are having fun with this.

Okay, that's my brief history...sorry. I'm sure that's a letter you get all the time, but I just had to spill my story to somebody, as this really is not something we talk about outside of the house.
More pointededly, I did have a question that is my real reason for writing. My wife "plays along" with this dynamic, so far, just fine. But I want her to do more than play along. As you frequently say on your site, it is important that the wife acknowledge her authority. My wife is having trouble with this part of it. She is not, by nature, a selfish person or someone who would be inclined to exploit a situation for her own personal gain. But I'm trying to tell her, "Exploit me!" haha...it sounds silly, but it's true. You are absolutely correct in emphasizing how important that is. Consider these two statements from a wife:

A) Honey, I have a craving for a chocolate Frosty from Wendy's. Would you mind? Please?
B) I want a chocolate Frosty from Wendy's. I know it's late, I know it's raining, and I also know that you will do this for me, because I'm the Boss of you. Why are you still here?

Don't ask me to explain it, but option (B) thrills me to my bones. Like most men who visit your site, it is not that I want my wife to be "mean" to me...I just want her to be confident in her authority over me and to not be shy about reminding me that I am her well-trained, obedient husband. I want her to develop a curiosity about testing out just how far she can push it. Your site will help me explain that to her.

So anyway....sorry for the long letter, but I just wanted to say how helpful your site is, and I intend to use your advice and instruction to help her fully embrace this dynamic rather than keep it cautiously at arm's length.

Thank you!

Mel

Ken responds…

Mel, I know it sounds like we are selling books hard this month, but in truth, the book is enormously helpful in solving your problem. This blog is helpful as well, and it costs nothing. Your letter is another option. Show her your letter, and then direct her to the site and to the blog for context.

As always, communication is the key to making this work for both of you.

-----

Emily and Ken,

In reply to one of the letters on your website you mention a method of orgasm management, "red ball green ball"? I haven't seen it in "Around Her Finger", and I can't find it on your website. It sounds interesting. I was curious what the rules were to this game? Or where I can find the rules on your website.

Thank you guys for all you do...

JT

Ken responds…

The red and green ball game is simple. Fill a small bowl with small red balls or beads. Then add back a number of green balls or beads. Before intimacy, she can draw from the bowl a single bead and place it beside the bowl. If she draws a red ball, then you know to cease with intimacy following oral sex (or during intercourse, but before climax…whatever she prefers). If she draws a green ball, then you proceed with intercourse and orgasm. Obviously, the more green balls that are in the bowl, the more you will be experiencing climax.

The primary benefit to this game is that she can effectively ration your orgasms without have to actively engage in verbal communication to that effect. Many women are uncomfortable with actually saying “stop” or “no” or even pushing you away when you initiate intercourse. By drawing the bead, she is letting chance dictate the outcome, but she still remains effectively in control of the process. Also, if she should choose to be more prescriptive, she can always choose the color of ball that suits her needs.

Everything you can do to make her more comfortable with her authority over you the better. This is just an easy way to simplify her decision making and communication process.

------

Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

October 2011 Updates

2011-10-03T13:45:00.000-07:00

I know our updates are getting fewer and farther between. There is no excuse for our lack of activity other than our busy lives. Forgive us, but please stick with us as our mission and this website remains important to us as well as the community.

Emily

Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I am in my mid twenties, and recently married to a wonderful man. We dated in college where I would argue that the patriarchal relationship model you often reference often on your site was almost non-existent. I’m not suggesting that female-led relationships are the norm, I’m only suggesting that the college campus is an environment where there are no pre-established expectations about who should necessarily be the alpha partner in the relationship. Absent these expectations, I believe that relationships of equals or relationships where women held slightly more authority were probably more typical than male-led relationships.

Looking back, the seeds of my current female-led marriage were in place when my husband and I first met as co-eds. For the first six months of my relationship with my then boyfriend, our sexual intimacy was limited to his performing oral sex on me, but me never doing the same for him. It’s important to understand that this was not an unusual practice on my part. I had had other relationships with similar rules of intimacy, and many of my friends had the same arrangement. The men I dated generally pushed back at first, but my sense is that their resistance to the limits I imposed was more because it was expected of them to pursue intercourse, not so much that they really needed it. Once they were resigned to the boundaries I drew, I believe that this was an adequate level of intimacy for these men. I would say that for my now husband, it was more than adequate, it was preferred. He thrived on what I would now call orgasm management.

After we graduated, we both got good jobs in what still remain our careers to this day. We continued to date, and while we engaged in intercourse occasionally, it never became the most common form of sexual contact between us. We talked about it, but he either did not understand what it suggested about our relationship, or he chose not to articulate it. Either way, the dynamics in our relationship went more or less unspoken until I discovered the history files on his PC.

The sites that I discovered were much more severe than anything you would discuss on your forum. It was clear from his history file that he was sexually excited by a range of activities, some of which I found very interesting, but other of which I found very distasteful. All of these activities had one common theme, and that theme was men submitting to female authority.
I think the best decision I ever made was not to over-react, but to instead try to understand what all of this meant. Did it mean that in order for him to be sexually satisfied that I would have to participate in those activities? Absent your site and others like it, I might have lacked the insight into the root causes and best possible understanding of my husband. This was particularly true in the context of everything I already knew (and loved) about him.

When I did finally confront him about his history file, his shame was evident, but not long-lasting. I told him that I understood his desire to submit, and that I was willing to work with him to channel these feelings in a way that would be productive for both of us. This would require a new understanding between us, and a new set of rules for our relationship. We would formalize some of the behaviors that already existed, but I would also introduce new expectations, some of which I knew he would embrace, but others of which I thought he might tire over time.
I wasn’t sure how he would go for these changes after the initial newness wore off, but his enthusiasm did not dampen in that first year, and it has not dampened in the two years since we have been married.

He does most of the work around the home. I do some occasional cooking and some gardening, both of which I enjoy. He works incredibly hard to make my life wonderful and in so doing it makes both of our lives richer and more complete. He is allowed to orgasm very seldom (about once a month), and I have found that as long as he is allowed to perform oral sex on me, he remains satisfied sexually and very content in his submissive role.

I have opened up a little regarding aspects of female authority with which I was initially uncomfortable, and I find the freedom that this gives to me as a woman very liberating. The point is that I am in control of our sexual life together, and I can take it in directions that please me, and at a pace at which I am comfortable.

Our parents know nothing of our wife-led marriage, although I suspect his family considers him a bit p-whipped. His friends certainly think he is. My friends are envious, but others are curious. Perhaps one day they will discover the secret to happiness that I have discovered with my own husband.

Thanks for everything you do with your site, and I hope you return to posting soon.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

What a lovely letter. Yes, the younger generation is certainly more open to new ideas than the ones that have come before it. Perhaps a time will come when a community such as ours is no longer necessary to foster the courage and openness that you and your husband have demonstrated.

Letters from Men

Dear Emily,

After years of keeping my feelings to myself, and not really even understanding my feelings, your site has been a huge source of knowledge and confidence. I finally worked up the nerve to discuss the topic with my wife. To my great relief, she seemed to understand perfectly. However, she said she had no interest in playing a role, she had every intention of just being herself, and she did not necessarily see herself as dominant. With that said, she asked exactly how I would expect this to work? How could she remain herself yet provide me with the loving female authority that I wanted from her.

I was at a loss for an answer. Can you help me out with a suggested response? She will be reading any answer directly as I have made her aware of your site as part of our discussion.

Ben

Emily responds…

While Ken typically responds to men’s letters, I am happy to do so on this occasion given that you are really articulating the question on behalf of your wife, and she will be reading the response directly. Please consider this as I direct my response to her.

I would first say that you should absolutely not enter into this relationship with the expectation that you have to be anything other than completely yourself. There should be no “role playing” necessary, and you should not have to say or do anything that does not represent your most organic sense of who you are.

That said, and at the risk of being accused of mincing words, let me qualify the above statements. You should know from reading our site, that completely passive behavior in response to submissive gestures on your husband’s part are generally not adequate to fulfill his need to serve you. There needs to be an overt communication of your places in the marital hierarchy and a shared understanding that he is will respect your authority over him. This does not mean that you tell him every little task that you expect to be done, or that he asks you for permission for every decision in his life (unless this is what you wish, and it sounds from your husband’s letter that it is not). My husband Ken, for example, makes 99% of his own decisions. When occasions arise where we disagree, Ken is welcome and encouraged to share his opinion on the subject at hand, but ultimately, we both know that I have the final say. Also, there is no whining or continued debate after my decisions are made. I expect his enthusiastic support for whatever I might decide.

Again, I think this understanding needs to be overt. In other words, it is not enough to enter into this relationship dynamic by assuming that both sides understand it. Even if that assumption is true, it still must be explicitly stated. I believe it is best when it is spoken. Paraphrase what I have written above. Perhaps you can even write it down and read it out loud to your husband with him kneeling in front of you. Is this role playing? I don’t’ think so. It should come as a sincere expression of your expectations. Is it uncomfortable for many women? It is unquestionably so. Most women – most people – are not comfortable with firm, direct communications of this sort. However, if you understand what this means to your husband, and if you are willing to explore what this can mean for your relationship, then this brief sojourn out of your comfort zone will pay huge dividends. This does not convert you into the domineering wife you never expected to be. You will remain the same sweet, reasonable woman that I imagine you to be today. Your disagreements are not likely to turn into stern scoldings, rather the undercurrent of your authority will leave him eager to yield to your decisions. Not only will this minimize conflict between the two of you, but it will satisfy him in ways that you cannot likely yet appreciate.

You may never have to speak of your authority again in such an overt and direct manner. You may, however, find that you want to do so. A great many women end up finding that once they become accustomed to being the head of the household, they lose any inhibitions about reinforcing their position. However, even if you do not verbally repeat yourself, it is actually important that you do reinforce your initial statement with regular non-verbal reminders. This is most notably done through what we call orgasm management, which again, you are undoubtedly familiar with having already been exposed to our site.

Embrace the opportunity for a deeper level of intimacy with your husband by yielding to his loving aspiration to put your physical pleasures above his own. When your husband selflessly pleasures you, but does not climax himself, you afford him the opportunity to trade his primal desire for a brief, biological sensation for a spiritually meaningful, extended mental and emotional connection to you. This intense intimacy with you is what he really seeks. If having to play sexual traffic cop – stopping him from orgasm in the middle of sexual contact – makes you uncomfortable, then consider the many suggestions we have made to avoid this problem. The red vs. green ball system, found elsewhere in our updates page, is one of the easiest methods.

I hope I have scared you away with my suggestions. I hope my recommendations fall within the realm of what you are willing to explore and what makes you comfortable in your own skin.

-----

Emily,

My wife Mary and I would like to express our sincere thank you for writing the Around Her Finger book. The book had a profoundly successful impact on our marriage, and we have never been happier. Our friends have told us they have never seen a happier and more devoted couple, and wonder what happened!

We recently renewed our wedding vows as a Wife-Led Marriage, and also have a Wife-Led Marriage Agreement that details the specific components of our Wife-Led Marriage. We renewed our vows in a beautiful wedding ceremony performed by a wonderful female officiate on a beach in Florida. This was her first Wife-Led Marriage ceremony, but she told us it was the most meaningful and beautiful ceremony she had ever performed. She told us she was sure she would be performing more as word spread on the tremendous merits of Wife-Led Marriages.

We are both well educated, successful professionals, and would be considered politically conservative. I am the president of a manufacturing company and my wife is a high powered executive in the health care field. We have five children, four of whom are grown and on their own. In our marriage, Mary is clearly the head or our household and dominant partner. She is the final authority on all matters, including financial issues. Our WLM agreement states that Mary is a loving, sensuous, teasing, but VERY FIRM "in-charge" wife. Our agreement also clearly articulates that I am the submissive partner in our marriage and am expected to do the majority of the household chores, obey my wife, serve my wife and make her life as stress-free and pleasant as possible. I would highly recommend other couples consider writing a WLM agreement together as it helps solidify the uniqueness of their particular WLM. In addition, developing it together over a couple of weeks served as a great catalyst for us to communicate openly what each of us needed and expected from each other and our WLM.

We would be happy to share the details of our WLM agreement if you would be interested in reading it.

Sincerely,

Unsigned in Florida

Ken responds…

By all means, please share the agreement. I’d love to post it for our readers to review.

-----

Dear Emily,

I wanted to say "thank you" for what your web site and book has meant to our marriage. My wife and I have been married for thirty-three years. We have raised two wonderful daughters who are both out of the house now.

For the most part the first thirty-two years of our marriage were filled with heartache and strife. Because of our strong Christian beliefs we have been committed to staying together and trying to make things work out. Seven months ago I stumbled upon your web site and I immediately started thinking that this could be the answer I've been looking for. I showed it to my wife and she wasn't too sure about it.

I began to do the things that you suggested. To begin with my wife was still somewhat skeptical. However, as we got started, our marriage immediately began to improve dramatically. It is seven months later and it gets better every day. It's better than it's ever been and we are both happier than we've ever been. I never knew I could love my wife so much. We are so close now and so intimate that it's hard to believe. We love to be with each other now where as before we were at odds most of the time. Thanks again for your web site and book and please keep sharing your life changing message.

Thank you and God Bless!

Unsigned

Ken responds…

So many underestimate the benefits of what this can do for a stale relationship. Thank you for reminding us of the benefits of taking these positive steps forward.

-----

Dear Ken and Emily,

I want a wife-led relationship with all of my heart. However, each time I want to broach the topic with my wife, I become afraid and clam up. Fear of the unknown and needless shame are behind my procrastination, but I can’t seem to shake this fear of the unknown and what her response might be.

It’s terrible for anyone to feel this way when all they want to do is give themselves to the one they love in the way that best fulfills their emotional and physical needs.

Morris

Ken responds…

I could not agree with you more. What’s the worst that could happen? She may reject the concept because she does not understand it, but she will not reject you for breaching the topic.

Take the bold steps to a better relationship now.

------

Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

January/February 2011

2011-01-05T16:05:00.000-08:00

January/February 2011 Updates

Happy New Year!

Thanks to all of you who wished us well over the holidays. This community continues to give back to us in so many ways. We remain thankful for the opportunity to be a part of your evolving relationships. The path to an Around Her Finger relationship is not necessarily easy, but it is always rewarding. Make whatever resolutions you must in order to realize your potential in 2011.

Emily

Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Emily,

My husband of fifteen years gave me your book on the first day of the New Year as a commitment to follow through on his New Year’s resolution. I have just finished reading it, and I have to admit that I am absolutely and utterly shocked that he would want this from me. My shock, however, is only matched by my delight. It seems like years of sometimes odd and unexplained behavior now makes sense when I look back at it through the prism of his new openness on this topic.

I want you to know that beginning this weekend, I am going to embrace this with all of my heart. I believe that there is something in this for both of us, and I feel that for the first time that I have the tools and the understanding to really make the most of our relationship together.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

You warm my heart with your optimism and enthusiasm. I am certain that this will be a wonderful step forward in your marriage.

*****

Dear Emily,

My husband and I have always had a very open and understanding relationship. I understood that he had an inclination to submit to me even before we married, but after marrying, we embraced his submission as a couple, and have lived a life very much like you describe on your site. We did this before discovering Around Her Finger, but we still enjoy your updates section [and other sites], as it gives us ideas and energy for own relationship.

While those that know us both can clearly tell that I am the alpha spouse in the relationship, we have never been forthcoming about the depth and nature of my authority in the home. Our family and friends just think of him as “whipped”. I know you have counseled other couples to be similarly discreet, so I know that our choice in this matter is consistent with your advice on the topic. However, over the holidays, our discretion took an accidental nose dive off of a cliff, so I am writing now for your advice on how to handle my current situation.

Over the years there have been several minor and unintentional cracks in our secret as it relates to my brother-in-law’s (my younger sister’s husband’s) knowledge of our LFA marriage. There were no smoking guns, but just some things we wish he hadn’t seen or overheard. For example, he one time heard me scolding my husband and heard my husband’s very obedient and reverent “Yes, Ma’am” replies. These were nothing, however, compared to what happened two days before Christmas when my sister and her husband came in from out of town to stay with us. It was in the middle of the day, and my sister told me that she and her husband were going out to do some shopping and would return just in time to go out to dinner with us. Unbeknownst to me, my sister’s husband backed out at the last minute and opted to take a mid-day nap on the living room couch. The back of the living room couch faces out to the hallways, so when my husband and I stood in at the base of the stairs right outside this room, we had no idea that he was lying stretched out on this couch.

We [said and revealed a number of things that made the nature of our relationship obvious but do not bear repeating here]. Long story short, my brother-in-law had only just lain down to take his nap, and he was not even half-way asleep. He heard everything. I suppose he could have remained in repose behind the back of the couch, but he sat up and gave us a look of near disbelief. My husband and I scurried off to our bedroom, but the cat was very much out of the bag. After collecting our wits and discussing the best option, we walked out of our room to speak to my brother-in-law together.

We explained our relationship. We actually talked about your site and told him that it was very much descriptive of our relationship. We explained that this is way more common than many would ever suspect. We told him that we understood if he felt that he needed to talk to my sister (his wife), but we asked that once he made the decision on whether or not to share the story with her, that he let us know his decision. We are certainly not ashamed of our lifestyle, but we understand that it is not without controversy, and we wanted to be prepared for any possible reaction she might have had.

I should not have been surprised by his response to our conversation, but the fact is that it knocked me off my feet. His indicated that he would be happy to keep our secret if that was our desire, but he would rather share the story for the very simple reason that he desired the exact same dynamic in his own marriage. For a very long time, he had been harboring an intense desire to submit to my sister.

He was clearly sincere. While he was not familiar with your site, he was familiar with [certain other sites related to the same topic]. Also, he was very familiar with [certain topics] about which I cannot imagine he would have possessed such detailed knowledge without a passion for inquiry inspired by genuine interest. He asked me if I thought my sister would be open to the idea. I told him I preferred not to speculate. I firmly suggested that he acquaint himself with http://www.aroundherfinger.com/, your books, and your update page. I told him that I would take it upon myself to write to you and seek your advice as to how we should all proceed, and that we would discuss as a group (he, my husband and I) whether or not to act on your counsel.

While I do not want to pressure you, I do value your input. What do you suggest we do? Also, I know your updates have been fewer and fewer recently. I do hope you will reply as quickly as possible with your ideas.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

What an interesting predicament. I would love to be more challenged by your circumstances, but I am afraid that my decision is an easy one. I believe that if your brother-in-law desires to submit to his wife, then he needs to unilaterally approach her and open up about his feelings. He needs to face his fears, articulate his desires, and go through what may be prove to be a long journey to loving female authority as opposed to the quick turn that he no doubt believes your help would allow.

His loving submission to his wife is ultimately an intensely personal matter, and if it does not always remain as such, it should at least begin as such. This is enough to warrant my advice, but there is more. If you all go to her together, then she will feel overwhelmed and ganged up on. This seems like an incredibly unfair imposition.

Let this be between him and her. Be there for him as he takes his first caution steps, but only as a distant advisor and coach. Let this play out between this couple without your active involvement… please.

Letters from Men

Hello Emily and Ken,

First off, I want to thank you for your great website. I found it a few years ago, and had often thought about introducing the wife led marriage concept to my wife. We've been married for a little over five years. It just took a few years to build up the courage and to decide that I was really ready to surrender all control to her.

It was accelerated after I lost my job last year and started working for her new business (using my extensive business background to handle admin, accounting, etc.). So when that happened I started handling all the household duties, too. She was extremely busy and it just made sense. After several months of that and a few minor arguments about some pending decisions, I just felt that maybe it was time to admit my inner desire to submit to her. I told her in bed one morning about three weeks ago after we had played around a bit. She pretty much just took in what I was saying and seemed happy with the idea as long as I still remained the "same man"...she doesn't want some wimpy husband. I assured her I would be the same man, would always give my opinions, just that now she would have the final say.

Now three weeks later, things are pretty good, though she doesn't seem to want to discuss the arrangement very often (if at all). She has certainly had me doing even more for her, and seems to enjoy the nightly foot massages, etc. I've asked her to look at your site, but she still hasn't had time to do so. I'm trying not to pester her, but I do feel I'm missing some of the acknowledgement that is so important for us submissive husbands. She has also agreed to control my orgasms, but isn't very active in that department.

I just want to ask what your thoughts are on getting her more active in acknowledging my submission to her, or should I not worry about it and let her grow more into it? And I'm not sure what to do about her more actively managing my orgasms. I do feel that is super important, and even with my abstaining from masturbation, that I am craving more active control from her. Thank you in advance for any advice.

Regards,

Jon

Ken responds…

First, you are a lucky man that you had the courage to come forward and that she had the open-mindedness to work with you. I suspect her reaction was more nuanced that even you indicated. She seemed to quickly accept the idea (under her stated condition that your masculinity remain prominent and in place), but she seemed to lack the natural curiosity on the topic that one would expect her to have.

Lacking her own curiousity, you need to be patient until she comes to better understand what you need. If she has been reluctant to read the book, she might be more inclined to listen to the confessional CD/mp3. Maybe you could offer to rub her feet as she reads the book you have arleady bought.

One way or another, you need to move to a point where it clicks for her that you need the outward reinforcement of her authority to feel completed. Be patient, stick with it, and you will move ahead together.

*****

Hi Emily and Ken~

I came across your site a while ago and have enjoyed reading everything you and others have posted about the female-led household. I am one of those husbands that would love to introduce my wife to this and submit to her. I have one major concern however.

Let me give you some background. We have two kids. I have been a stay at home dad for about four years now. My wife has a job where she is the top person in charge. Our situation alone lends itself so easily to an AHF relationship. But here is my issue. We're Christians. We're heavily involved in our church. My wife has been a Christian since her youth. And I'm not sure with the whole head of the household thing that she'd be willing to go for it. I was wondering whether you've had any other Christian husbands write in with their struggles on this issue?

Thanks for what you two do! I would so appreciate your guidance on this matter.

Scott

Ken responds…

Many letters like your own have arrived in our inbox. We have been reluctant to address this topic head on as one’s faith is a very personal issue, and we do not want to open ourselves to criticism for sharing our perspective on the matter.

I will say only that for Emily and myself, there is nothing inconsistent with our own Christian faith and loving female authority. Several specific concerns come up repeatedly in the letters that address this topic. I’ll provide a response to each without necessarily belaboring the question at hand.

First, to adore and even to “worship” your wife in the interpersonal sense is in no means a sincere acknowledgement of her divinity or idolatry in any reasonable sense of those words. It is rather an expression of love and affection -- perhaps the deepest and most sincere expression a man can make to his wife. It is completely consistent with a sincere reverence to God and the obvious acknowledgement of God’s much greater place in the universe and in our lives.

Secondly, the notion of the patriarchal household is no more central to Christian doctrine than abstaining from shellfish or any of the many detailed laws described in the early chapters of the Old Testament and in the letters of Paul. At least for myself, I believe that the many detailed instructions in the Bible for how to lead one’s life are secondary to the core tenants of love and devotion to God and to our fellow human beings. While there is much wisdom in the Bible outside of this core message, I believe that there is great leeway in how we lead our lives if we obey the central commandments of loving God with all our heart and our neighbors as ourselves. For me, a female-led relationship in no way interferes with a devotion to God and Christ and an obligation to treat others with respect and dignity.

There are sexual elements of a female led relationship that are not typical, but that does not mean that they are immoral. We are blessed and not cursed by our sexuality, and to embrace it and explore it in the context of a committed, loving relationship is something to which we should all aspire.

I am not an authority on anything other than what I feel and what I believe to be true. I know that for me, this dynamic is not at odds with my faith.

---

Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

October 2010

2010-09-27T14:41:00.000-07:00

Fall 2010 Updates

The website if finally back up again. You can find it at www.aroundherfinger.com. An old email address and an expired credit card conspired to let our web hosting renewal slip through the cracks. I offer our sincere apologies for any inconvenience that this may have caused any of you. Also, let me express our great thanks to everyone that sent us emails alerting us to this concern and also expressing interest in getting the site back up and running.

All is well again!

Emily

---

We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Hi Emily,

I wanted to thank you for your website and all of the work you guys have put into it. Let me first provide some background about myself and husband. I am from a wonderful family with loving parents still married and so is my husband. We both had a [very typical religious upbringing], and this relationship is possible for even very traditional persons such as myself and husband. I feel more in love with my husband and my husband trusts me more that he had ever before. I feel cherished, and I feel my husband is wonderful. I am complete.

My husband and I met in college and have been together for about six years now. We have been married for a little over one year. We had a normal relationship except that my libido had always been higher than my husbands. We rarely fought except to fight about sex. I would ask myself is there something wrong with me or is it my husband? We have great sex and a great emotional relationship, so why is this always an issue? I had a lot of shame and unhappiness because I could not figure out my husband and his libido and how to turn him on. This shame and guilt and frustration lasted for almost five and a half years until we went on vacation in the spring when my husband's libido started to increase out of nowhere. I was confused and timid, unsure of what was going on, but also happier than I had ever been before. My husband actually wanted to have sex more than once a week and more than once a day. He was so happy, so emotional, and I loved it.

After a month of the 'change' he finally told me that he had discovered your website and encouraged me to read it. I of course was interested because for so long I had struggled to find what made my husband tick and now he had figured it out. I read the part of the website for the females, and it clicked in my mind. This loving female led relationship was what was missing the whole time.

The first few weeks were wonderful. I felt like when we had first been together. But then my husband wanted more from me, a reasonable amount, but I was afraid. I had fear that it would end, and that I would be left like I had for years hurt and frustrated. So I was hesitant and we quit soon after a few weeks because my husband did not feel that it was a life change I had wanted, and that I was only doing it for him.

A month later I opened up to him, telling him that I missed some of the things we had done with the loving female led relationship and at that point I verbalized all of the things that I had wanted to continue to do. He immediately was turned back on again, and we have fit the roles very nicely since. This relationship change is not for all couples and without great communication skill and [self analysis] we could not have done it. My husband also should have been patient with me from the beginning. I realize he really wanted to make it happen but did not allow time for me to come to terms with what I wanted and needed for myself and our relationship.

So, men, be patient with the woman you love, and females, know yourself. You will do just fine making yourself and your husband very happy.

Thank you Emily! Best wishes!

Sincerely,

A.K.

Emily responds…

I imagine that many men reading your letter find themselves having quite the opposite problem than you and your husband had in your marriage. Men are more likely to have the higher libido, and it is worth noting that AHF relationships offer something for them as well. They may end up having less sex, but the will experience a higher level of sexual energy in the relationship. This comes from the sexual charge that orgasm management brings when it is coupled with overt displays of dominance on the part of their wives, as well as selfless acts of service on the part of the husband.

Also, I know that you are getting more out of the relationship than just the increased libido of your husband, and that is important. Remember to continue to make this about you and your needs. The focus on you will ultimately rebound and give your husband what he needs in return.

Continued best wishes in your marriage!

***

Dear Emily,

I wonder if I am not loving this too much. Ever since I agreed to my husband’s suggestion that I take control in the marriage, I feel as though I have been completely liberated. It’s not like some letters I have read on here where women don’t do any of the household chores, get massages every night, or whatever fantasy scenario they might describe (sometimes it seems unrealistic). For me at least, it is different, but liberating is the right word.

For example, on any given night, I might still cook or do the dishes. But if I do not want to do the dishes, I tell him to do them. And now I know that if I walk up to him, get right in his face, bite his upper lip (gently and sensuously), whisper the command to do the dishes in his ear, that not only have I just avoided the task of doing the dishes, but I have actually given him an intense moment of sexual affection. As he does the dishes, he is actually excited to do them, and he is thinking of me the entire time. What a win-win situation! It is almost a miracle. The rest of the evening might be otherwise conventional, but for him that moment of loving female authority was an emotional high that he can ride all the way until he goes to sleep.

Sexually, it has also been liberating. Our sex life was not bad before, but I never felt free to really open up and communicate what I wanted out of the physical part of our relationship. For example, my husband has always performed oral sex on me as foreplay, but it has lasted for just a couple minutes before he quickly moved on to intercourse. Now, oral sex lasts as long as I want it to last, and if that is all it takes for me to climax, then that is where it ends. As it turns out, [my husband performing oral sex on me] is also an incredibly satisfying sexual experience for him. I never imagined that he enjoyed pleasuring me so much, and now that this is out on the table, we both embrace this activity. (It turns out that he actually enjoys performing oral sex on me over anything else we do sexually.)

I also love when in the middle of intercourse, I can decide to continue or to push him off of me. And as I am sure other women on here have noticed, he is unbelievable doting and attentive in the days that follow the nights when I stop him in mid-act. He becomes the perfect man, and don’t think my friends, sister and even my Mom has not noticed the change. It is really remarkable.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

He was always the perfect man, he just needed the perfect woman to bring it out of him!

------------------------

Letters from Men

Dear Emily,

I need some advice. I think I've been a fairly loving husband over the years. I have a good relationship with my wife and she recognizes that I do much more than most other men.

In the past few months I've introduced my wife to the concept of FLA a couple of times coupled with my verbalizing how much I love her and that I would like to do more for her. She says that she doesn't want any part of it, but she has started to make non-verbal cues that she likes the benefits. I've started giving her back massages every night and spending more time talking before going to sleep. I'm doing more of the housework, but I still believe I'm being more of a stealth submissive than I should be and definitely more than I want to be.

I also find that my mind is getting more consumed with the concept of FLA since reading your blogs. I'm finding that I'm preoccupied at work with these feelings and thoughts. I'm finding that I love my wife more and more, but that I'm not getting enough response from her to carry me through. I'm not sure if she will be agreeable or not.

A couple questions:

1. Is it normal for a man's whole mind to be consumed at this stage?
2. What should be my next steps to get more of a response?

I thank you in advance for your advice and look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Tom

Ken responds…

Both of your questions are very common concerns for men starting down this path. Let me address your question of whether or not it is “normal” to feel consumed by thoughts of female authority. Far be it from me to stray into the perilous territory of defining normal behavior, so let me just say that it is incredibly common. Furthermore, I am not certain that it is only associated with this early phase of your evolution towards an AHF relationship. The more your wife becomes comfortable with her role, the more she chooses to demonstrate her authority, the more you will become fixated on her and pleasing her. This is especially true if she can find a cadence to orgasm management that works for the two of you. You will become increasingly consumed with anything that brings her happiness. Her happiness will become your happiness.

As to what you need to do next, consider that opening up to your wife about the ideas on our site is not a one time event. You have begun a dialogue, but you need to continue that dialogue. She needs to understand the sentiment that you have expressed in your letter to us. She needs to understand that her non-verbal embrace of female authority needs to be accompanied by verbal cues and outright acknowledgement of your new roles.

My best guess is that you are going to succeed, just remain committed.

--------

Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

August 2010

2010-08-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

August 2010 Updates

A healthy relationship is dynamic. Not only does it evolve over time, but certain of its best elements ebb and flow with the seasons of the year and the seasons of our lives. Right now, Ken and I are in a wonderful period of our lives. His work schedule has relaxed in recent months, and I have made a very active effort to channel much of his free time into activities and passions that focus him on making us closer. He has been even more deeply devoted to me as of late, and outward expressions of his affection for me are constant reminders of his passionate and always growing love. In turn, I have indulged him with an intensity and frequency of my own affections. Often these are outward gestures that reinforce my authority in our relationship. I know that these make him feel loved in ways that nothing else can match. After all, affection takes many forms.

We have gotten to the point we are in our own relationship because we trust each other enough to communicate openly. We have built upon this trust by being open and responsive to what each other needs and wants most from the marriage. We have put our own best interests ahead of convention and tradition, and we have been rewarded with a relationship rich in emotion, mutual respect, and very genuine love and affection.

Follow your hearts, abandon your fears, and find what Ken and I have found together.

Emily

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We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

It is probably a cliché for women to open their letters to you with a statement of disbelief that their husbands could possibly have been hiding a submissive side. However, I can honestly say that my husband was the prototypical LAST man I would have expected to be submissive.

We recently had his parents pick up the kids and take them to their home for a week over the summer vacation. We were not planning an out of town trip, but it was a chance for us both to spend some more focused time together. That first Monday after the kids were gone, I came home to find your book and a dozen rose on the kitchen table. There was also a card saying that he learned about this book on your website.

An hour later I had read much of the site and was beginning to get an idea of what this was all about. When my husband came home I was still sitting in front of the computer pouring through your updates page. He walked into the room where I was and kissed me on the cheek. Without looking up and in a very firm voice, I told him to go out and get me a glass of wine. In short, I was very interested, and I was going to follow through with this. I was touched that he felt close enough to me and trusted me enough to come forward with this, and I accept it as you describe it, as a means of him demonstrating his affection, love and commitment to me. It would be awkward at first to get used to the idea of being in control, but I could do this for him.

The best thing about all of this is the openness and deep levels of conversation that we now have. I need only to let him kneel and put his mouth between my legs for twenty minutes, and then to stop the intimacy at that point, and he opens up and talks and shares like we were dating again for the first time.

This is magic.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

It is not magic in and of itself; however, when combined with a healthy, loving relationship, it is just that. Honor his trust in you, and cultivate a life together that builds on this new beginning.

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Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

I wanted to write you a letter explaining how I discovered the joys of a female led relationship. The Around Her Finger blog has been helpful to me in so many ways, and I hope my own story can contribute something to your readers in return for all that your advice has given to me and my fiancé.

I first met my fiancé (I’ll call her ‘Beth’ which is not her real name) five years ago when she became my manager at work. We worked for a very large company, and I had met her briefly before, but for all practical purposes, we got to know each other in a context where our manager/employee roles dictated the nature of our relationship.

Beth is seven years older than I am, but she is a very attractive and a very young looking woman. However, I never let this get in the way of my work, and we always maintained a strictly professional and very positive working relationship for the several years that I was her employee. It is probably worth noting that while I consider myself a very dedicated worker regardless of who my manager might be, there was something very special about working for Beth. I found that I very much wanted to go the extra mile to please her, and I would often stay late and go above and beyond to do my very best when I was her employee. Also, I was always incredibly respectful of her authority and was always mindful to demonstrate my respect for her. I was very disappointed when she decided to leave the company after several years, but we left on good terms, and I knew that she was leaving for a very significant career opportunity at her new employer.

Several months after Beth left my company, I was surprised to get a call from her. I suspected that she might be calling to offer me a job at her new company, but this was not what she had in mind. She had correctly heard that I had broken up with my then girlfriend, with whom I had long but unsatisfying relationship. She asked me if I would consider the possibility of a romantic relationship with her. I was completely shocked. It seemed a very bold move on her part.

Again, she was and remains a beautiful woman. I considered myself a very eligible bachelor, but mostly had dated women my own age. Also, the entire time I worked for her, I had forced myself to think of her as my manager first and a beautiful woman second. I ultimately succeeded with this, so it required a brain reset to imagine that we could be romantically involved. Lucky for me, the brain reset happened instantaneously, and I responded positively and enthusiastically to her question. We arranged for a dinner date that weekend, which led to a series of more dates, and ultimately a committed relationship.

From the very first date, it was clear that there would be something atypical about our relationship. It seemed like the manager/employee roles were still in place. This was in part an unconscious byproduct of the years I had spent working for her, but at certain times, it seemed very conscious on her part. For example, she would always tell me what our plans would be for any given weekend. She would pick restaurants, she would order the wine with our dinner, and she would even assign me little tasks to do at her home. I would be told to pick up her dry cleaning, make her bed, and I was even once told to spend an entire Saturday cleaning her home and getting it ready for a “girls’ party” (to which I was not invited) while she spent the day relaxing at a spa. The sex was very good (conventional, but good) so I did not complain. One night, however, I finally felt compelled to mention it to her.

She smiled at me and confessed that she was surprised it took so long for me to raise the issue. She said that she frankly liked the idea of being in charge in the relationship, and it was her suspicion that I did as well. I was completely shocked. Formal, overtly recognized female led relationship were a foreign concept to me, so I really didn’t even have any context in which to evaluate her statement. I remember very distinctly how she leaned into me, kissed me, and told me she wanted to explore something with me, and that I would need to trust her entirely over the next few weeks as we would experiment with something new in our relationship.

That night we basically entered into a modified boot camp as you describe in your book. She stood and disrobed in front of me, asking me to kneel and go down on her as she remained standing. She said that she cared for me very deeply, but she wanted to explore a relationship with me where I acknowledged her authority, and where I would be expected to obey her. That was the first night that my orgasms were ever “managed” by Beth.

It was like she found a magic switch inside my mind. That night began a female led relationship that has made me happier than I have ever been in my life. Beth shared with me your site, blog and book, and they have all helped tremendously. She awakened something in me that she knew was there, but I did not understand at all.

The next two weeks found Beth becoming increasingly comfortable with a growing level of authority in our relationship. As a result, I began to learn more about myself, and realized that my desire to please Beth in the past had been more than just career ambition; it was sourced from something much deeper and much more personal. My desire to make please a strong, beautiful woman was really an end in itself. Making Beth happy was making me happy. The sexual elements of our very special relationship not only intensified my desires to please her, but they intensified the satisfaction I took from pleasing her. This has been a sustainable benefit and has lasted way beyond those initial two weeks. To any that doubt it, orgasm management works!

I recently asked Beth to marry me, and she has lovingly agreed. Of course it will be on her terms, but as you can imagine, I would not have it any other way.

Jay in the Midwest

Ken responds…

The history of your relationship is a beautiful story and very well told. It is somewhat unusual for the woman to be the instigator in a female led relationship, but it sounds like your fiancé understood that this would benefit both of you.

Congratulations on your pending wedding!

-----

Dear Ken,

I had approached my wife about your website, giving her your book and CD, about four years ago. While we had a brief experiment and a couple of subsequent revisits to female authority, mostly it did not work for us. I believe that this was because it was just not something she wanted. She just did not see herself in the dominant role. However, several months ago, I repositioned LFA as a means to solving a shared problem between us, and now it is working amazingly well. I wanted to share my success with your readers.

My wife is in her middle forties. Her moving beyond child-bearing years (we have two wonderful teenage children) has been accompanied by a decline in her interest in sex. This has been the subject of a number of small arguments between us lately. All of these arguments take place without mentioning the white elephant in the room, the fact that only a few years ago, I was asking her to consider a relationship dynamic where I would put our sex life completely in her hands. While she rejected this, it was still an option I had put on the table. Therefore, she felt very comfortable scaling back the frequency of our sexual intimacy regardless of how I felt about it. I saw her point, but I was still not happy about it. However, the more I thought about my predicament, the more I saw an opportunity in the making.

In large part because of what your site has taught me about myself, I know that sex is not the ultimate goal for me. My desire for sex is a proxy for my desire to achieve an intimate connection with my wife. I also know that I can achieve a higher level intimate connection without sexual intercourse. If she affords me a dominant intimate encounter, a moment of connection between us where she exerts her authority through verbal cues and allows some form of intimacy to occur, then I have received something even more satisfying than intercourse. Given that her level of sexual desire has decreased (but certainly not disappeared), this allows us to meet in the middle and both come out winners. My nagging her about not having enough sex goes away. Her having to give in to a quickie she really does not want also go away. However, our intimacy level in the relationship nonetheless goes up. Again, we all win.

The only trick is getting her comfortable with those dominant, intimate moments. If for example, I try to initiate sex by kissing on her earlobe when we are alone at night, her simply pulling away and refusing me only results in frustration. However, if she kisses me back passionately before telling me to get some lotion and rub her feet “because that is what will make her happy tonight”… then this is something else entirely. In the latter case, I have had some intimacy in being kissed back, and she has made the foot rub much more meaningful than if I had just offered it on my own. Because she has told me to do it as a preferred alternative to sexual intercourse, I feel that she is managing our sexuality and the foot rub is a meaningful expression of my affection for her as I know it is what she wants.

I don’t know if I’m making sense, but I am trying to explain that wives who struggle (like my wife did) with “playing along” with an LFA, can really use small gestures to accomplish a great deal of emotional intimacy with their husbands. A passionate kiss as you give your husband as you hand him a to-do list and tell him that “you’ll do these things for me” may seem like nothing to you, but it would be the world to me (and men like me). It is the combination of this intimacy and gesture of authority that really hits the nail on the head.

Unsigned

Ken responds,

I love it. Dominant intimate moments, maybe we should call them DFI’s, are exactly what many men crave during the day. Many men fantasize about endless oral sex with their wives, but the practical reality is that men’s libido often outpaces a woman’s. Pairing a command with affection can do a great deal to reinforce a man’s need to submit. It is the core of what we describe in our books about increasing the level of sexual energy in the relationship without necessarily increasing the level of sexual intercourse.

-----

Dear Emily,

Thank you. My wife and I started dabbling in a wife led marriage last August. That was two days after I stumbled upon your site late one night. There is no question that your site has changed our lives for the better. However, I do have a few questions.

- My wife has never formally asserted her authority, as suggested in your book. We talked a little after she read your book and were going in that direction anyway, but no formal talk about new roles. Is it too late and/or am I out of line wanting such a discussion?

- My wife knows from reading - and experience - how taking a tone of authority simply works for me (us). I perform my tasks so much more willingly when she makes her expectations clear and our roles obvious. My complaint is that she does it sparingly. I know it's my job to show her all the benefits of this agreement (as we call it), but I feel like if she really wanted to live a true Around Her Finger marriage, she would take a little more initiative.

I know this sounds like a list of complaints - and you've heard them all before - but it's not. My marriage is 100 percent improved since we tried this arrangement (in every way imaginable). I was scared to death to share this site with my wife, but she has been gracious and understanding throughout. We have had ups and downs with this the past year, but every time she tells me this is how she wants it. All I am saying is that if her authority were more clearly stated and reinforced, I am pretty sure I'd hold up my end better.

I don't think she would be upset if I contacted you on this. I know I'll share your response with her if I get one - if you think that's a good idea. Obviously, I'd love to have her contact you directly, but that's up to her.

Thanks again for your site. It has changed our lives.

Jim

Ken responds...

First, it is never too late to formalize roles. In fact, it is expected that you will have an ongoing dialogue about how any element of the relationship is or is not working for both of you.

The same goes for your second point. It sounds like there are a number of elements of AHF that are not present to your satisfaction. It is ok to complain, but you cannot just stop there. You need to engage your wife on these issues and have that sometimes difficult conversations that it takes to maximize the potential of where you can go together.

-----

Note: The following is the conclusion of an email exchange where a reader was encouraged to approach his wife about his desire for an Around Her Finger relationship.

Dear Ken,

A couple of days after I sent that email I had an opportunity to confess my desires for an FLR and so I took it. She thought I was weird and strange, but her libido went from zero to 1000, so I am feeling a bit more positive about it now. I told her we could have a 6 month trial run and she responded "Why 6 months? Why not forever?", so as predicted she has had a positive response to it. She has already completed a list of daily and weekly chores for me to perform and has started drafting a list of rules she wants me to follow. This is more enthusiastic than I expected but nothing for which I am not comfortable or prepared.

Time will tell on the orgasm management front, I just hope we can meet on some middle ground. I have an issue with pain in my groin if I go too long without release from an old hernia scar, but I think she will be sympathetic to that.

I think this answer was longer than you might have been asking for, but I will continue reading your blog and your book (when I get it).

Thanks again,

E

-----

Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

April / May 2010

2010-04-06T14:28:00.000-07:00

Spring is in the air. The weather is warm, bees are buzzing and the first of the flowers are blooming all around us. All of you husbands, enjoy an evening outside with your wife. Pour her a glass of wine and rub her feet. Let her know that nothing makes you happier than putting her needs above your own.

Emily

We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:

www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I am completely confused by the idea that I will somehow make my husband happy by withholding from the very thing that he seems to want above just about everything else: an orgasm.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Orgasm management seems irrational on the surface. Men seem to be completely wired for seeking out orgasms. When they are around women, their focus is on sex (and sexual climax). When they are not around women, they masturbate. Why then, would we presume that any man’s path to happiness would lie in withholding the very thing that seems to be the center of his universe?

The truth is that men are funny creatures. Do they want the physical satisfaction of an orgasm? Absolutely they do. Is that the highest value objective that they have? Absolutely not. Whether they are aware of it or not, what they really need is much more complicated. They need affection, they need love, they need attention, and they need to know that their sexuality is not being ignored.

Consider two wives that climb into bed with their husbands and both give their spouses the news that they will not being having sex (or if you prefer, an orgasm). One wife rolls over and tells her husband that she is tired and needs to get up early. The other kisses her husband passionately, grabs his manhood forcefully in her hand, and tells him that they will not be having sex because she wants him “thinking about her all night and waking up ready to do whatever she tells him in the morning.”

The first husband has been rejected and ignored. The second husband has been validated as a man and his sexual energy has been channeled to where it will be the most useful… in service to his wife.

Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

I screwed up. I got in a huge fight with my wife over something stupid and petty, and I childishly gave her the silent treatment for two days. She became mad at me and in turn gave me the silent treatment. This would have been just a typical little spat between husband and wife except for the fact that before she gave the silent treatment to me…she threw my interest in loving female authority right in my face.

As background, I need to tell you that we were NOT in a female led relationship at the time of our disagreement. I had wished that we were. I had wished it ever since I stumbled on your site several years ago. I even went so far as working up the courage to give her your book on Valentine’s Day which was my first real attempt to ever share my feelings on this subject. She responded by not reacting at all. She said nothing about the book, and when I finally asked her what she thought about it, she indicated that she had skimmed it, but she had no interest and did not even want to talk about it. To be honest, I was hurt and felt rejected.

So that brings me back to what she said following our argument. She told me that if I was so damn interested in having her in charge, then I should start acting like it. That really took me back. She was right, but as you know and have said over and over: until it is really made official and acknowledged openly in the relationship, it is really hard for a submissive man to maintain his obedient attitude toward his wife. This is the great truth and wisdom of your site and your book. It is central to everything that I know and feel about my submission.

My wife stormed out of the house and that started the ball rolling on what turned out to be the opening to the best thing that ever happened to me and to us as a couple. Her angry comments touched off the submissive in me, and I went into action. I rushed to gather her laundry and get it into the washing machine. I ran around the house like a mad man cleaning up several messes I had left piled up for days and fixing a broken hinge on a cabinet that she had been after me to fix for months. I rushed out to the store to buy her flowers, candy, wine and a gift basket of lotions (including foot lotion) from Bath and Body Works. I also bought her a CD I knew she had wanted to get and several items from Victoria’s Secrets, all of which I wrapped or put into gift baskets.

It was late when I finished shopping, and she had beaten me home, so I walked back into the house with all of these item bundled in my arms. The kitchen and living room were dark, but I saw that the light in what I used to call “my” office. She sat in front of the computer, her back to me, wearing a robe. She knew perfectly well that I had walked into the room even though I said nothing. I looked at the computer screen in front of her and I was totally blown away to see that it was your site. (I later learned that she actually wrote Emily an email that night to which she responded personally but never put on the blog.)

She swiveled around in the chair and looked right into my eyes. She acknowledged the gifts I brought her and asked me to hand them to her. I did and she immediately asked me to kneel in front of her. I looked up at her as she opened my gifts one by one. It was hard for me to concentrate as my mind was racing a thousand miles a minute.

When she was done opening the gifts, she said nothing. She looked down and me and just stared at me for what seemed like a very long time. I started to speak, but she held up her finger to her mouth indicating she wanted me to remain quiet. I then watched in silence as she undid her robe and revealed that she was wearing a very sexy bra, but no panties. I took my cue and immediately began to kiss her between her legs and to pleasure her. I felt her hand stroke the back of my hair as she told me that from that point forward she was in charge and she expected that I would obey her. I would have orgasms only when she told me it was ok to do so. I would be given a list of chores I was expected to do, and I would do them without complaining.

Since that night our relationship is 100% female led. It is as others on this blog have described. We are perfectly happy and “normal” 99% of the time, but there is a constant understanding that she is the alpha spouse in the relationship. The biggest surprise has been how completely she had adopted to this new reality and how completely happy it has made her. She is not the least bit inhibited and is completely comfortable telling me what I need to do to please her.

Candidly, I know she was initially concerned that this would somehow emasculate me, but I have proven to her that that was no risk. I still have times when I am sexually very aggressive with her, but she absolutely loves stopping me in the middle of intercourse and having me switch to using a toy on her. This allows her to finish with explosive orgasms while I am left in the heightened sense of intimacy and arousal that orgasm management provides. This makes for post-sex cuddling (vs sleeping) and has afforded me the ability to truly be the communicator she needs me to be. She calls these moments her “emotional orgasms” and she values them tremendously. Truth be told, so do I.

Thank you so much for your site. I am glad I stuck with you.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

We have often seen the situation where once the seed is planted, it sprouts at the oddest times. You laid the groundwork but needed the argument to serve as a catalyst for both your submission and her own sense of empowerment.

Congraulations!

----

Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

February 2010 Updates

2010-02-05T08:53:00.000-08:00

I know it has been a very long time since our last update. Please know that our passion for this topic has not diminished at all. It is only that new priorities are finding their way into our lives and we cannot dedicate the time to these pages that we wish we always wish we could.

Our long absence has given us a larger than usual collection of letters to which we could respond, so hopefully we have chosen from these carefully enough to provide some fresh and relevant insights into the topic of female led relationships.

For this update, I have chosen to provide a spectacular pair of letters, one from a husband and one from his wife. I hope that the quality of these exchanges makes up for the lack of quantity that we have been providing as of late.

Happy Valentines Day,

Emily

We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:

www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

Let me first set the context. I love, love, love my wife. I love her more than the day we first met (almost twenty years ago), and my love for her is more important than whether or not she ever wanted to cater to my interest in Around Her Finger.

I have been discussing my interest in a female led relationship with my wife for about two years. I will admit I had not gone so far as to give her your book or show her your web site, but I had been fairly forthcoming about my submission. She had been pretty much disinterested in the concept, but I certainly noticed that her interest in the idea seemed to bubble up every time we got in a disagreement about a major decision. At these times, she wanted to remind me of my discussions. She did not want to do any of the overt demonstrations of her authority that I felt like I needed, but she did seem to want to have her way. I just knew I wanted to submit fully to her if she would just do the very basic things that would cement our roles in the relationship and occasionally remind me of those roles. Stealth submission had just not cut it for me.

Recently, a very significant financial decision came up in our house, and we were very at odds about how we would deal with it. She gave me a much too disguised reminder that I was the one that wanted the female led relationship, and I seized on it as a moment to have another discussion about how badly I want her to be in charge, but I want her to be willing to meet me half way. She had to recognize and address my very real needs in the arrangement as well.

I made notes on what I wanted to say, and I practiced my conversation very carefully. I told her that first and foremost, while I initially disagreed with her on the financial decision, I trusted her judgment, and I would be perfectly willing to not only concede to her the final decision, but that I would enthusiastically support that decision after she made it. However, I wanted her to recognize that my comfort and support for this decision would be much stronger if it were part of a true female led relationship like we had discussed previously. Most importantly, I want her to establish her authority in the relationship and maintain it. I absolutely needed to hear her tell me that she understands that she is in charge and that she expects me to respect our roles. It cannot just be something unspoken between us.

She initially protested, saying it was already this way. I explained to her that it was not. It was absolutely an unspoken understanding, and for me that was the problem. I did do my best to try to honor her wishes in the relationship, but the fact that she had never formally declared it was a source of great frustration for me. If she would declare it, and reinforce it over time, it would be a dream come true for me. She got angry and walked away from me, and I figured it was just another lost opportunity.

That night, I walked into our bedroom after doing some work in my office. She was sitting in her robe watching television, and as I approached her to sit down next to her on the couch, she stopped me. She handed me a tube of moisturizer. She gave me a very firm command to rub her feet. It was not an ask, it was a tell. I know that there are other men out there that understand the world of difference between their wife asking them to do something, versus telling them to do something. I immediately dropped down to my knees and began to rub her feet. She then told me that her decision on the matter in question was hers and hers alone. All decisions were hers ultimately to make if she so chose. She expected my support on the decision.

My heart was beating a hundred miles a minute. There is no way anyone that is not submissive could understand this, but this was a dream for me. I told her she could absolutely expect my support. She then pushed open her robe and revealed her naked body to me. I immediately put my head between her legs and went down on her for thirty minutes, bringing her to orgasm several times before she stopped me and had me go fix her a cup of herbal tea. We then sat together on the couch, her head on my lap, and watched television without saying another word on the topic until she announced she was going to go to bed. As we both got under the covers, she told me that she had meant what she had said earlier. She said, "I'm in charge, and I'm going to act like it, and you are going to respect it." I hugged her and spent a restless night basking in what had just happened.

[Additional paragraphs deleted at couple’s request]

Unsigned

Note from Emily: We received that letter three months ago. The following letter from his wife arrived last week.

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I just learned that my husband sent you a letter providing details from our marriage. I was not entirely happy with him doing this, but I understand his motivation, and I have come to agree that there is some value in sharing our story with others. However, if you decide to publish his letter (and mine) can you please delete the final paragraphs of his email where he discusses [omitted], in order to respect my privacy concerns?

I ultimately agreed with my husband that it made sense to share our story with others on this site because 1) I was dead set against this idea at the beginning, and 2) I now think it is the best thing that has ever happened to both of us.

I was raised in a traditional home with conservative values. I just did not want to think of my husband as “submissive”. Now that I have started down this road, I absolutely still do not think of him as submissive. I think of him as the same strong, confident, alpha male I married. Just because I am higher than him on the pecking order, that does not mean that he is lowly and submissive by any stretch of the imagination. I am just one step higher, and I am ultimately in charge. It is like the major or colonel in the military is not any less of a man just because the general can tell him what to do. It is the same with me and him. It is just a matter of respecting authority.

We just click together better now as a couple. There is less tension, fewer arguments, and more fun, romance and intimacy in our relationship. I have grown in my willingness to let him give of himself sexually. He wants to put my own physical pleasure above and even at the expense of my own, and I have become more willing to let him express himself this way. I have finally come to understand that no orgasm can ever bring him the same level of satisfaction on a physical level that my denying that orgasm brings him on an emotional and spiritual level. He just overflows with tender affection for me when our intimacy results in my own climax and not his.

Unsigned

Emily responds to both letters...

Just when I think there is nothing new under the sun as far as articulating a method which makes it easy for a woman to accept a female led relationship, I am given another. Your military analogy is certainly new to me, and it is certainly one of if not the single best metaphors I have ever seen.

Men who crave loving female authority tend to be comortable with the word "submissive" to describe themselves, but women tend not to be comfortable with the term to describe their husbands. Your analogy formally establishes the female led hierarchy without infringing on your perception of your husband as the strong man with whom you fell in love.

Bravo!

Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:

www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

July/August/September Update

2009-10-01T04:05:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the updates!

Yes, I know that we are getting less and less reliable with our updates. I wish I could promise that it will get better soon, but I can only tell you that we aspire to more more regular updates, and we hope to return to a more predictable routine soon. Like many others, the economy has us dealing with new priorities and challenges. That doesn't mean our work is here is less important, it just means that it may have to sit on the backburner for a while.

Emily

We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

Around Her Finger at Amazon

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:

www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

My husband bought me your book for my birthday last year. He's really interested in a female-led relationship. I tried to be OK with it, (I even bought him a special book at Christmas for me to write in his "to do lists"). However, I felt really uncomfortable.

I was worried that I had become or was in danger of becoming lazy or selfish. He always said that would never happen as he knows I'm not selfish. I just felt awful that he was doing loads of chores when he was the one who'd been working. (I have very few hours of various creative jobs so am at home more than he.) I also felt worried that his motivation for doing things was sexual. I started to worry that his doing things for me was more to do with his sexual buzz than about just wanting to do them.

I spoke to him about my concerns and he said he understands. He said he loves doing things for me and being my knight in shining armour-but I just felt stuck in a game that didn't make me feel good. I wanted him to remember or think of doing things-whether something nice such as getting a little gift or changing the bed, whereas he said he wanted me to tell him to do them. I spoke to him a little while ago and he said that if he was in the "around-her-finger-mode" he would get better at doing things without me telling him. I found it uncomfortable when I'd asked him to do something and he had told me that he likes doing things for me.

Not that it was a bad thing to hear, but I found it awkward that he drew attention to everything that I'd asked him to do. I don't know why I found it uncomfortable-I guess I just wanted to feel "normal" not as though I was continuously in a game I wasn't sure I wanted to play. As you probably gathered, we stopped-probably within a few months. However, he wants to try again and said that we don't have to be so specific with a list, which I found hard. He's been so understanding and said he's happy whether or not we do adopt the "around-her-finger" relationship, but I know that is what he really wants. I guess I don't want to feel that horrible unease in the back of my mind that I'm turning into someone I don't want to be, nor do I want to have to disappoint him by never being OK with it when he really wants it to work for us.

Has anyone else written with concerns like mine? I would really appreciate your thoughts.

Many thanks,

Nette from London

Emily responds...

Nette, what a wonderful letter, and it is not the first we have received expressing your concern. Your concern, by the way, is very valid... you should not have to find yourself living a life that centers around his fantasy. He is the one that wants to submit to your desires, not the other way around. The challenge is finding a way to give him a way to sense your loving female authority in the relationship without making an uncomfortable charade out of your life together. The good news is that I am comfortable that you can find this middle ground.

For starters, feel free to tell him that the constant to do lists and expectations of him doing everything are officialy gone. If you want something, you will ask him to do it. If he feels generally motivated to do something nice for you, he may feel free so long as he does not overdue it to the point of making you uncomfortable. In turn, you should pick occasional but very impactful moments to demonstrate LFA. Perhaps once every couple of weeks you can tell him rather than ask him to do something and employ a particularly stern tone when doing so. Maybe once a month you can have a girls night out where you do not not tell him your plans until you are on your way out the door. Expressions of your freedom to what you want to do, when you want to do it are as powerful a demonstration of your authority as commands. Above all else, practice orgasm management with some cadence that lets you continue to feel normal but gives him at least an occasional dose of the "brain candy" that this practice deliver for submissive men. His spending time pleasuring you with no subsequent release is extremely powerful.

I truly hope this helps.

Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

I have finally solved the dilemma that my wife and I have regarding orgasm management. On the surface, there seems to be a paradox. The man both wants (desperately) to have an orgasm, but also wants (desperately) to be denied. One impulse is physical... even evolutionary. The other is mental.

While I suppose we can all understand this dichotomy, the more practical question is how the wife of a submissive husband is expected to resolve this in the context of a reward/discipline framework in the relationship? If the husband is particularly attentive, does he get to have an orgasm? If the husband behaves childishly and impulsively, does he get denied? On some level, both climax and denial are a reward.

In our house, we have now adopted the idea that my reward is oral intimacy with my wife. For me, nothing (and I really mean nothing) brings me more contentment and gratification than going down on my wife. My punishment is not the denial of orgasm, but rather the denial of providing her oral sex. To add to this, the decision of whether or not I climax or not is now completely disconnected from how I have behaved during the week. Following oral sex, my wife will typically have me penetrate her. However, whether or not I am allowed to proceed to climax is typically predetermined by her by flipping a coin earlier in the evening. I suppose that she may or may not choose to intervene with her own judgement as she does not share the outcome of the coin toss with me until after penetrative sex has begun, but she at least allows the appearance of an arbitrary event to disconnect her from the decision.

This has been very effective in our relationship. Thank you for everything you both do,

Chad in Denver

Ken responds...

If you have read our books, we discuss the power of the arbitrary event in managing orgasms in some detail. I agree that it is highly effective. Congratulations on the continued success of your relationship.

-----

Emily and Ken,

I hope you are both well.

Our FLR marriage is progressing well. She has made it clear that there is no going back and this is how she wants our marriage. There are always fluctuations in intensity from both of us, but I am finally learning some patience.

So thanks to you both. Your work helped her dip her toe in the FLR waters and decide if it was to her liking - it was.

Take care,

Unsigned

Ken responds...

Every success story makes us happy . Thanks for sharing.

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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

And now at Amazon:

Around Her Finger at Amazon

May/June 2009

2009-06-29T14:40:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the May/June Updates

I appreciate the many letters of concern that came in during our absence from the updates on this page. It is nice to be missed. We remain committed to finding a partner that can help shepherd the content for our site. We are still looking for that right person, or ideally, the right couple.

Our very mission requires that the content on these pages is carefully controlled so that it remains the soft-landing zone that is virtually non-existent elsewhere.

What we seek is someone who would be a true partner. Someone who would be willing to shepherd the content, contribute to responses, and effectively give us a bit of a break from the day to day. We are not sure exactly how this would work, but we would be willing to entertain suggestions.

Emily

Note: We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

Around Her Finger at Amazon

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at

www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

A very close friend of mine showed me your site. She said that her and her husband have been living a female led relationship for the last two years, and she felt she could not keep it from me any longer. She said it has been such a positive thing for her relationship with her husband that she had to share it with me.

I was absolutely shocked when she did. My friend and I grew up together in a small southern town. She met her husband in college, and I have known him myself for fifteen years. I would never have thought this was something he wanted. I will admit that my friend has always worn the pants in the family, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. It is just the extent to which she is now in control and the extent to which this makes him happy that I suppose is the surprise.

He opened up to her about your site and his feelings. She had no problem at all with any of it, and she read everything on your site and [others] because if this was something he wanted, she wanted to learn everything she could about how to make it work. She didn’t suspect anything, because she had never heard of anything like this.

The way she talks about what this had done for their relationship has me very jealous. I have always noticed, even before the last two years, that her husband doted on her hand and foot. Lately, however, he has been nothing but a saint around her. Also, he has lost weight, spends more time with their kids, and just seems happier.

I am writing now because I have decided that I also want this with my husband. How do I go about this? My situation is similar to the story told in your book where there are two couples and one learns about this from the other, but is this really the best way to go about it?

Unsigned

Emily responds…

While I think the duration and nature of your friendship make it ok that your friend shared this secret with you, I would advise that you not open up to your husband about your friend, but rather keep it self-contained within your own household.

Tell your husband that you want to try some new things in the bedroom beginning on a Friday night. Have him strip and wait for you on his knees in front of a chair in the bedroom or at the edge of the bed. Wearing something sexy, saunter back into the room and sit down with him remaining on his knees. Tell (don’t’ ask) him to rub your feet, kiss your feet and massage your legs. Have him remove your panties and as he begins to bring you pleasure, tell him that you want to try a two week experiment, and that he must be willing to commit to moving forward with the entire two weeks or it will all end now. Explain the experiment will put you in control of his orgasms.

Show him the world that you can open up for him when he gives you pleasure without climaxing himself. Embrace the emotional connection that this creates for the two of you. Insist that he channel his sexual energy into acts of service to you during the week. Have him spend his evenings on his knees in front of you and show him how loved and appreciated he is in this position. In other words, show him loving female authority at its best. Then, towards the end of the week, give him our book or show him the site. Allow him to make an intellectual decision based on his emotional satisfaction.

-----

Dear Emily,

I have a friend who has introduced me to your web site. I find it intriguing. At first I was kind of dismissive. The more I talk to my friend the more interested I am. He seems very happy and our discussions have given me a more open mind.

I would like to commend you on your web site and let you know that reading the letters gives me hope that when the time comes I will be able to have an FLR that will satisfy not only me but my partner. My friend shares with me his experiences and he also seems fulfilled. Thanks for sharing this wonderful view.

Sabrina

Emily responds…

You nailed it on the head when you talked about having an open mind, Sabrina. This is key to success in any relationship, but particularly in an Around Her Finger relationship.

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

I apologize in advance that this email is so long.I am writing to you with an Around Her Finger success story. We implemented loving female authority in our marriage a little over three months ago. While I do not consider myself submissive in general, I do have intensely submissive feelings toward my wife. Your writings have been such a big help to me.

Our background is that my wife and I had been married for almost twelve years when I introduced her to your website and asked her to consider implementing LFA. We have two elementary school-age children and we both work fulltime in demanding, professional occupations. We already had a solid marriage with good communication, intimacy, partnership and trust before LFA.I was a little worried that she would find the suggestion of LFA weird, but maybe less concerned than some of the other men who write to you.

In some ways our marriage was already led by her – it was just unspoken. My wife went to a prestigious private college where she obtained multiple degrees and then went on to get a post-graduate degree and a professional credential. She has been successful in her career, often leading whatever she is working on. She is also a leader in our extended family, the kids’ school and everywhere else she is present. I have a bachelor’s degree from a state university. My career has been successful also, but I tend to work more in support roles. I earn considerably less than she does.

When we were married, she made sure that the promise to obey was omitted from her vows. She kept her name and suggested (but did not insist) that I take her name. We both kept our own names. She assumed control of our finances at the beginning of our marriage and we are in good financial shape thanks to her. I haven’t seen my paycheck since I was single and I give her all of my debit receipts. I have access to all of the accounts, but it is understood that I leave them alone. We have always discussed big purchases beforehand. She directed the conversations that led to our decision to buy a house and later to start a family. She has never been bossy or an autocrat, but she has a vision for our life together and she makes sure that things that are important to her and good for us happen in a timely manner. None of this constitutes a LFA dynamic, but in some ways it was not such a stretch for us.

Before LFA, we had a great sex life and I have always felt very lucky. We were open-minded and adventurous in the bedroom. She has never been shy about communicating what she wants and what her limits are. She introduced me to certain things early in our marriage and encouraged certain behaviors in me. I have become comfortable with these things, and over the years I have come to crave them (they are things that I think most submissive male readers of your website would relish). I would not, however, describe our pre-LFA sex life as one where she was completely in-charge. It was more give and take, and we often had sex more on my terms. I was not in the habit of offering her foot rubs or massages, and she never requested them. As you might guess, things are different now.

While I have always done a lot of the cooking, shopping, housework, etc, she has often done as much or more. In the past she would suggest household projects and I would often put her off. I recently learned that she would sometimes not suggest a project just because she did not want to have to argue with me about it. She would make our social plans and I would push back if I had other preferences. We would sometimes disagree on child rearing / discipline issues. I have mostly controlled the remote. All of these things sometimes resulted in minor (but upsetting) arguments that I usually lost. She suggested for several years that we hire someone to do our yard work (which I did myself); she wanted me to do more work inside. I finally acquiesced to her on this a couple years ago and now I wonder why I waited so long. There are many other past examples of unnecessary, low-level friction. With LFA, the petty bickering is virtually non-existent. She decides on the household projects and their priorities, our social calendar, etc. I put in my two cents and then she tells me what we’re doing. If I disagree, I try to just let it go and it always seems to work out fine.

When I brought up LFA, she was surprised and confused. She stayed open-minded however, read your website and a few days later told me that we could give it a try. We both acknowledged our roles and gave it a go. We both read your book and discussed LFA a lot. She later told me that one of her main concerns was that this was just a phase for me. I replied that she has a valid concern…I don’t know how I will feel in the future but I believe I am submissive toward her and she has authority as long as she is willing to exercise it. She seems to have accepted that answer. Except for a few setbacks, it has gone great for us.

Even if she had rejected LFA, I would have felt a lot better. When I brought this idea to her, she did not express any disappointment toward me and she did not act like she thinks I am a weirdo. It felt great to be accepted by her on something as personal as feelings of submission. It made me feel very open to her and I just love her for that. She did not, however, reject LFA and she seems comfortable with her role. In fact, shortly after we started the boot camp period she said that LFA is the “natural order.” She made this statement during an intimate time when she had my complete attention and the comment has stuck.

Our everyday life now is in many ways the same as before except I am busier at home, which I have found I like. When we were first married, she said I am like Hestia (the Greek goddess of the hearth and home). She wasn’t mocking me or calling me effeminate. What she meant is that she observed that I find contentment in the mundane tasks of keeping the house in order. I enjoy the process of cooking and cleaning and take my time to do it nicely. It is sort of a meditative time for me, whereas she is just trying to get it over with. With LFA, I have been reminded of her keen observation from many years ago, and I agree with her.

Here’s how a typical day might go since we implemented LFA: We wake up at the same time. After she indicates she has had the attention (if any) she wants, I get in the shower and she goes for her morning exercise. I then make the coffee and get the kids up. I prepare the kids’ breakfast / help them prepare it. When she comes into the kitchen I have her breakfast on the table the way she likes it. I serve her coffee and give her a soft kiss on the cheek (she established this little routine the first week we implemented LFA). I have my coffee, make our lunches, clean-up from breakfast and make our bed. We go to work at about the same time. I exercise at lunch. We touch base throughout the day, often with romantic text messages. In the evening I make dinner and do the dishes. If I’m working late or have some other commitment, she cooks and maybe cleans up. In the evening I’ll run a bath and make some tea or cocktails. After the kids go to bed I serve drinks and often lotion her feet and/ or give her a massage. I now do almost all of the laundry, including hers, and make sure it is put away properly. I also do any other tasks and errands she gives me (there are plenty) and I have some long-term projects that she gave me that I am chipping away at. She is by no means just relaxing all the time. There is plenty for us both to do, but she does have more down time than in the past and our house is cleaner now.

We also implemented orgasm management. We found that this requires a lot of candid conversation. After a few weeks, we became well-established in this. I had a very hard time sleeping during the first two to three weeks, even for just one night of orgasm management. I have now adjusted and I can (usually) sleep even when she keeps me keyed-up. For her I think it was difficult at first to deny me; she wants to make me feel good. She now thoroughly enjoys orgasm management; she has told me so. This may sound bizarre, but I usually do not know whether I want an orgasm. I become confused and feel conflicted about it. I want an orgasm of course, but I also love the vibe that orgasm management creates for us and I don’t want it to end. This is when I just trust her judgment. Trust is what makes it possible to do what she says without hesitation.

There is no denying the increase in intimacy and that is great for us as a couple. I have connected with her in a way that I simply hadn’t before. It is great. I feel like I have rediscovered how sexy and beautiful she is and I tell her all the time. We do not seem to have less sex (maybe more); we have different sex and it is wonderful. We are more affectionate, talk more during and after sex and we are unrushed. She is comfortable having the focus on her and I have found this to be deeply fulfilling for me. I also have a better understanding of what I really need from our intimate times. I will still initiate sex, but with the understanding that she may say no – and I don’t feel rejected at these times. Orgasm management is a big adjustment, but it really does result in increased closeness. It also reinforces our roles in this dynamic. I think that perhaps this is something that a couple has to experience in order to appreciate.

There are a few things I have found helpful as we settle into the LFA part of our relationship. Nothing new…most or all of these things are mentioned on your website and blog. I only mention them as they seem particularly relevant to me and my marriage: (1) I have to be patient. It is counterproductive when I try to set the pace. (2) I have made an effort to disregard my prior ideas of what I think a wife led marriage should mean for my wife. I realized the obvious: that this needs to go according to how she views a wife led marriage. I have also learned that I love doing this her way. (3) I cannot expect her to tell me everything she wants. That is unrealistic. It’s a hassle for her to try and it’s not her style. I am an adult and she expects me to act like one (and I want her respect). This means I need to read between the lines and keep her communication preferences in mind. If she says, “It would be nice to have some tea,” she means, “Go make tea now.” If she says, “I noticed that the bathtub is a little dirty,” she means, “You need to clean the tub.” She wants me to plan and organize my chores and then tell her so she can change my plans if she chooses. She does not want the burden of planning my schedule. She also appreciates it if I offer to do things or do them without any discussion. She generally won’t give orders, but she asserts her authority effectively on her terms. (4) I have found that it helps to read books on the things she wants me to do for her. I realize that she won’t take this seriously if I don’t. I try to do these things right, so she will be happy and inclined to let me do them again. When we started our LFA dynamic, she told me to learn how to do pedicures and massages. I bought books on both topics and am getting better at doing these things for her. This really paid off; she appreciates the effort. She let me know that I’m doing a good job, which made me feel fantastic.

I could go on for pages, but I’ll wrap-up. In summary, LFA has been great for us. I feel closer to my wife, we have rekindled romance and we have connected in new ways. We argue less and communicate better. There is a new sense of harmony in our home. I feel like I am being my true self with her and she accepts me. She knows that I love and adore her because I tell her so and demonstrate it by regularly doing things for her. She is very affectionate and giving toward me also. She seems sweeter and more feminine than ever. She is getting a little more relaxation time and some of the pampering she so deserves. For me one of the hardest parts of LFA is not telling other people about it. It’s not that I want to disclose my private life to everyone, but it is so great that I wish I could share my experience. That is one of the reasons for this letter.

I hope this letter finds you well. Thanks for everything!

Best regards,

Miles in North Carolina

Ken responds…

Your letter is one of the best success stories we have received in a very long time. Your relationship seems the model for LFA that so many seek to find. Your wife seems very secure in her role as a woman, and you are lucky to be able to serve her and work to make her happy. I am sure that many will read your letter and envy your success.

For others that share Miles’ situation -- where they already have a defacto FLR, but the dynamic has gone unspoken -- speak up! It is worth it for both of you.

-----

Dear Ken,

I want to share with you a story of patiently waiting (years) for my wife to finally embrace LFA and what it has meant for both of us.

I was an early fan of your site. I used to peruse the internet for any content on the topic of men submitting to women. In the early years of the net there was only pornographic content (on which I wasted many shameful hours), then finally intelligent content on this topic started to appear. When your pages went online, it was the first time that I felt anyone spoke to my specific situation.

I immediately started a campaign of stealth submission to my beautiful wife. She loved it, but despite her inquiries as to what was motivating me, I was very coy. I then worked up the courage to tell her that I didn’t feel that every time we were together that I needed to have an orgasm. She said she thought that this was silly, and she never once stopped me from climaxing despite my repeated, but tepid, attempts to discuss it.

After about eight weeks, the stealth submission began to frustrate me, and I gave up on it. While I’m sure she noticed, she didn’t really say anything about it. It was at least a year later that I made another go at it. This time, when she asked, I was prepared with a more thoughtful response to her questions as to what was behind my change in behavior towards her. I told her that I desired a higher-level of intimacy with her. By putting her on a pedestal, I felt like I could achieve that. I also told her that I felt like I felt like the more I did for her, the closer I felt to her, and it created a sense of build-up in affection for her. However, I felt like following sex and specifically following the orgasm, I felt like this feeling of deep affection receded. I asked her if she would at least be open to choosing some nights where did didn’t want me to climax. I suggested the red marble idea that was once suggested in these letters pages. When she put a red marble in the little candle dish next to our bed, I knew it was my signal from her to stop before I released.

She agreed to this, but only very reluctantly. She considered it very kinky, and made it clear that she did not want any part of it as she was not comfortable with it. She would try it for my sake only. Well, from my perspective, it was good while it lasted. We never got to the point where we discussed my submission and where we cemented a dynamic around her authority in the relationship, but I still felt the sense that she controlled something important to me, and the intensity of my feelings for her after being “managed” was wonderful. I felt like it aligned my brain chemistry (as you say) behind my true feelings, and allowed me to express my love in the way that my head knew my heart wanted to do.

Then one day, without any explanation, the marble disappeared from the little porcelain box where it remained when not in the candle dish. When I asked, she said that the whole thing just made her feel slutty, and she wanted no part of it. I was heartbroken.

Fast forward another two years. We were out of town on a vacation together, and both drinking way too much at dinner one night. That night we walked on the beach, and we talked about how perfect our lives were together. We were really lucky. We loved each other very much, we had a great family, we and the kids were healthy, and we were financially secure. She told me I was a great husband, a great father, a great provider and a great lover. Up to then, it was pretty a pretty picture perfect night. We held hands together and went back to our room together. I remember kneeling in front of her helping her out of her clothes. I was completely overcome with a sense of wanting to submit to her. We went to the bed together and I went down on her, only further intensifying my sense of submission. I pulled up and began making love to her, and I can remember so badly wanting to confess my submission.

Because I had been drinking, my stamina was much better than average. After some time and on my own initiative, I pulled out without climaxing. I lay beside my wife and began cuddling, playing with her hair, and generally adoring her. She asked me very pointedly why I didn’t want to finish. With my head still intoxicated, I told her I had something I needed to share with her.

At this point it all came out. I told her I had what felt like a very innate desire to put her on a pedestal, to worship her, adore her, and to actually obey her and to know she was in charge. I began to cry as I told her that I knew this was a strange thing for a man to be telling his wife, but that I felt it so strongly that keeping it inside didn’t seem fair. I knew this was not what she wanted, but I knew that it was what I wanted, and I hoped she would understand. I was perhaps stumbling with my words, but she did not understand at all.

“Do you want me to dominate you,” she asked. She had no frame of reference, and the word “dominate” was her grasping for context. I was sure she misunderstood, and I told her know. I told her I was not seeking some clichéd sort of bedroom play, I was seeking a more refined relationship style where she was in charge and demonstrated that in certain ways.

In the end, I was not doing a good job of communicating, and she was not able to get the picture you present on your site. The next morning was awkward, and thereafter we just didn’t talk about it. Sex was conventional in the following weeks, but to me it seemed that the elephant was always in the room. Out of desperation as much as anything else, I finally gave her your book. I had ordered the online version and read it, but this time I had the printed version delivered to our house in her name. I never saw the book, but I did validate (through Lulu) that it had been delivered.

It was almost eight weeks later that she first brought the topic up. Our kids were at her parents, and we had gone out to dinner. We got home and as we pulled into the driveway, she asked me if I had wondered if she ever got your book. I said that I did wonder a bit. She wanted to know if I had ever read the book. I told her that I had. “And this is what you want,” she said. I stopped the car at the top of the driveway.

“Yes,” I said, “I’d like you to consider it. It represents an opportunity for me to feel closer to you.”

That night our female-led relationship began. Perhaps it is not as intense as some of the people that write to you. It is very much structured around her comfort level and how it works to build on the bond between us. While I know that she did this initially to satisfy my needs in the relationship, I know she would not go back at this point. Once she got comfortable that this wasn’t sexual role playing but was rather a mechanism for relating to each other on a deeper level, it all clicked for her. I think the fringe benefits are also something she values. I do much more work around the house, I am often providing her massages on a table that I bough for her, and I have lost a great deal of weight as am taking better care of myself as well as her.

The most amazing thing about our new relationship is that it is 99% the same, but 100% more satisfying. That almost sounds crazy as I read it back, but it is true. We can easily go an entire day and our LFA relationship can be completely transparent. To summarize key differences, I would begin with the fact that she is much more open to telling what she want me to do and what she expects of me. This would be helpful in any marriage for a husband to have clarity on what his wife expects, and it is welcome in my own marriage. Secondly, I do more work around the house. This is largely a function of my first point and her openness to delegating more accountability to me. Third, there is more affection and communication between us. This is not my imagination, this is absolutely correct. I think of her ALL the time, and this is reflected in my attitude and interactions with her.

In truth, I think she is still building her comfort with the final differences in our relationship. She has still uses the green/red marble system for communicating whether or not she wants me to orgasm. She has just not gotten over the hump to where she speaks firmly and decisively in regard to her sexual wants, but I think that is all ok.

Unsigned

I love your letter. It is a testimony to patience on your part and understanding on hers. I am confident that she will recognize the benefits that this offers to both of you and grow in her comfort with LFA.

-----

Hi Emily and Ken,I

've written one or two letters to you in the past, and I've always found your site to be my best source of hope for introducing loving female authority to my wife. So, before I get to the point of this letter, I'll thank you again for the important non-threatening environment you provide for exploration of this topic. I read in your posted letters of couples that do find happiness and fulfillment through these ideals. Their successes have been inspirational to me.

I discovered your site more than two years ago, and soon after made a commitment to work for these ideals in my own marriage. It took me a year, but after several increasingly open and promising conversations with my wife I worked up the nerve to give her your book. That was fifteen months ago. I'm sad to report that I now wish that I had not started this journey. I'll explain.

First, any man who approaches his wife with this proposition needs to understand that there is grave risk of a spectacular misunderstanding on the part of his wife, regardless of sincerity or earnestness in his communication with her. Her reaction is simply not in his control. From my own experience, and from that of several men I have communicated with through online forums, some women are completely threatened by their husband asking for what is (essentially) a radical change in the dynamic of the marriage relationship. I guess I can't blame her: While I believe I was telling her that I would find joy and fulfillment in the two of us working as a team to put her needs first and foremost, she thinks I have been telling her that I'm unhappy with our relationship and that she needs to change. We've not had arguments about this, but she simply cannot get past this view no matter how I try to approach the topic. She believes this effort is an expression of my dissatisfaction with our life together. She's also afraid that I cannot be happy generally unless she accommodates these needs. That is not a happy result. The very last thing I ever wanted was to pressure her into uncomfortable behavior.

So, while I'm proud of myself for having the guts to open up completely with my wife about my feelings, I would take it all back if I could. I also caution other men before diving into the pool. My efforts have, ultimately, threatened the peace in what has been a decade-long, happy and contented marriage. We'll get through this, but I'm now with regret in the difficult process of trying to let all of this go and put it behind me as a failure. As you've often commented, something will always be missing for me - and I know precisely what that is. Ultimately, however, my wife seems simply unable to relate to the idea of my serving her needs and her expecting me to do so. It's just not in her wiring. My continuing to hope for more will only bring stress or resentment for both of us.

Thanks again,

Unsigned in Ohio

Emily responds…

While Ken typically responds to letters sent to us by men, I felt compelled to respond to yours.

You are not the first man to be rejected by his wife, and you will certainly not be the last. The risk of rejection is real, and that legitimizes the anxiety that men face in their decision of when and how to approach their wives. I will say that letters like your own are sometimes followed by much happier letters at later dates, but of course, some are not.

In your case, your wife feels that she alone cannot make you happy; she can only do so in conjunction with a female led dynamic. I think that she misunderstands your commitment to serve her, but I also think that she may not be open to an honest conversation on the topic. This is unfortunate.

My best advice is to serve her despite the fact that your sense of submission is not touched. We can all collectively hope that circumstances afford the opportunity to open this conversation once again.

-----

Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
And now at Amazon: Click here.

March / April 2009

2009-04-15T04:26:00.001-07:00

Welcome to the March and April Updates

My apologies for the significant delay in getting the update posted this month (and last). Ken has been traveling quite a bit for work lately. This is a development that offers challenges beyond just this updates page, but in this economy, he and I are grateful that he remains busy.

His schedule has raised an interesting discussion between the two of us as it relates to this site. We have always been the primary providers (editors) of content for the site and updates, and we have never really felt that we have given either quite the attention that they deserve. Many sites related to this topic create content by simply opening forums to public posting. For reasons that are obvious to the long-time visitors to our pages, we are not in a position to do this. Our very mission requires that the content on these pages is carefully controlled so that it remains the soft-landing zone that is virtually non-existent elsewhere.

What we seek is someone who would be a true partner. Someone who would be willing to shepherd the content, contribute to responses, and effectively give us a bit of a break from the day to day. We are not sure exactly how this would work, but we would be willing to entertain suggestions.

Emily

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

My husband has been submissive to me since before we even married. He gave me your New Bride’s Guide to Training her Husband months before becoming engaged. He said that this was a part of him which he felt was very important to share before we made a commitment, and I’m grateful that he did. I feel very naturally suited to the head of the household role, and I find that the lack of ambiguity about my having the final authority in the marriage is incredibly liberating for both of us.

There is often talk about chore-doing and intimacy on your site, but I want to mention how I find our sex life to be incredibly satisfying, and I know that he does as well. Over time I have become very uninhibited in regard to my expectations, and we have both become very comfortable in our respective sexual roles. It is not at all uncommon for me to have him go down on me while I am watching TV in the evenings. I will lie back on our couch, him kneeling in front of me and proceeding very slowly with only gentle and very subtle kissing between my legs. I don’t know if other women have experienced this, but this very slow build up of oral sex sets the stage for very intense orgasm not possible if foreplay is rushed or ignored altogether. However, in previous traditional (non-AHF) relationships, I never would have felt comfortable allowing this gradual build up. I would have enjoyed ten minutes of perhaps more aggressive oral sex before ultimately feeling that it was my turn to reciprocate. Now, I feel no such pressure. He lovingly dotes on me until such time that I ask him use a vibrator on me. This then creates orgasms more intense and physically satisfying I had ever previously experienced, and certainly more intense than traditional intercourse alone.

Once we have gone through this process, I usually (but not always) allow for physical intercourse. At this point, I am so physically stimulated that the intercourse allows for continued intense orgasms. I will usually signal for him to slow down and he ultimately comes to a complete stop, remaining motionless inside me. He and I will stare at each other, and he knows that I expect that he is to speak to me. He has cried in this situation before as he tells me how much he loves me. It is as if his hormones are working within him to create an intense emotional connection. These are deeply intimate moments that I could not imagine without AHF. More often than not I will not allow him release, but whether I allow this or not, he reaffirms his affectionate obedience for me by dropping back to his knees where he again kisses and adores me before I send him off to bring me a warm washcloth.

There is nothing I do not love about this man and our relationship. Our life together is wonderful, and I do feel that I owe you a debt of gratitude for sharing your ideas with all of us.

Thanks you,

Beth in Texas

Emily responds…

What can I add to such a wonderful description of your intimate moments with your husband? I have said before that one cannot overestimate the impact that managing a man’s orgasm has on his emotional connection to his wife. Bravo for mastering this.

-----

Dear Emily,

My husband and I have been practicing LFA for a few months now. After my husband satisfies me orally I will deny his orgasm and we will hug and caress for a while until I fall asleep. Lately he will wakeup in the middle of the night (with an erection) and will begin kissing me and begging for sex. I will tell him to go back to sleep and have threatened to extend the time that he will be allowed to orgasm. The problem is this leads to more begging and complaining that he "can't sleep".

I have to confess there is a part of me that enjoys hearing him beg and offer promises of good deeds. I am looking for a creative way to break him of these bad habits any ideas?

Karen from NY

Emily responds…

The next time it happens, tell him firmly and with resolve that he is to sleep on the floor at the foot of your bed. Accept no excuse and no talking back. Do not, however, deprive yourself of his devotion and adoration. In the morning, on your time and your terms, have him kneel in front of you and speak to you about his feelings. This allows him the emotional release that he craves as much as the physical release, it allows you the intimate connection, but ultimately it allows you to get your beauty sleep.

You are in charge, you make the rules... always!

-----

Dear Emily,

I have no direct ties to an Around Her Finger relationship. I know, however, that a male friend of mine does. He was married to a good friend of mine who passed away very unexpectedly a couple of years ago. I always knew that their relationship was “special”, but I didn’t understand until he opened up to me about it, showing me your site and discussing the particulars of their marriage. To me it explained a lot of things, and I think it contributed very positively to the life they had together. While his relationship with his first wife evolved into a female-led relationship over time, he has told me that he wants to seek the same with any new women he dates. As I say, I am just a friend of his, and I am not interested in him romantically. However, I still care about him. I write now because I am afraid he has gotten himself into a relationship that is not good for him.

He is forty-eight years old and has been dating a very young (I would guess early twenties) woman for about eight months. It is obvious to me that she is in charge in their relationship. I was over at his house recently when she was there and she was barking orders at him while he waited on her hand and foot. She made a bit of a game at telling him to go get her drink, and then she said she needed one more ice cube, then he came back and she needed another ice cube. I didn’t think there was anything “loving” about her authority. She smiled at me as if I was in on her joke, but I found no humor in her antics. I know he bought her a new car (he has quite a bit of money) and lots of new clothes. I also have been told by a mutual friend that she has been seen out (recently) with another man closer to her age. In short, I feel she is taking advantage of him.

I do not want to be judgmental, remember, I am the one that thinks Around Her Finger really helped his last marriage. At the same time, I do think it is possible to go too far and take advantage of a man.

What do you think?

Unsigned in Pennsylvania

Emily responds…

You mentioned that in this man’s first marriage, he and his wife grew into a female-led relationship. This is ideal. Find common interests, build emotional ties, and then elevate the intimacy in the relationship by introducing LFA. It seems that your friend went out seeking someone interested in controlling him for the sake of control, and not for the sake of building upon existing intimacy. You should speak to him about the circumstances in which he met this woman and understand if they built any common bonds before it became apparent to her that he was willing to serve and obey her. I suspect he leapfrogged this step.

Of course a man can be taken advantage of by a woman that chooses to manipulate rather than nurture his submission. Once a man is exposed to female authority it will create a real emptiness if it is taken away. One can understand why a man would be willing to overlook the element of genuine affection and love and settle for just the authority component, but it will not satisfy him in the long run. Talk to him. He may need a friend to point out what he may already know is obvious. Have him write me if he is comfortable.

Letters from Men

Ms. and Mr. Addison,

I'm sure your lives must be very busy and that must be why you haven't updated your posts lately, but I have to tell you that your updates mean a lot to some of us husbands out there. My wife has taught me to very patient, so I can certainly wait until you have time to post again, but I just wanted to let you know that I greatly appreciate your updates.

My wife told me she didn't want me looking at any porn or being on any female led bulletin boards as of last October. She said it would be better for me to focus on her alone without outside input. I do think she has been right, however she does approve your site and your book, and your site is the only one that my computer will allow me to go to since she has set controls on the computer.

I greatly appreciate your site as a way to at least feel somewhat connected to other men in similar relationships. And because your site avoids any porn or erotic angles on the relationship and keeps the focus on the wife, then she is ok with me looking at yours. So anyway, I just wanted to let you know how important your site is in my life and how greatly I appreciate it. I hope you are able to find the time to post again soon. I will wait patiently for both your site, as well as for the things my wife now makes me wait patiently for.... sometimes two weeks these days.

Anyway, thanks.-WR

Ken responds…

We have gone way too long without updates. I certainly offer my humble apologies as I beg for your continued patience with the demands on my time.

-----

Dear Ken,

After various attempts at stealth submission and games where she played dominant roles, I gave your book to my wife in March last year. She took her time to read it, and we finally started a FLR in late April, even though we never really had a conversation like the one you describe in the book.

In the beginning it was more like a game to her, even though I was very serious about it. Sometimes she liked the game and sometimes she found it annoying, but somehow we continued. Last November I raised my voice at her over something silly, and she reacted strongly. I think that was the first time she really acted as she was in totally charge and expected me to be submissive - until then, she had tolerated/sometimes played the "game" but had never really taken an active role. This time she made me hand wash the dishes for two weeks and didn't let me have orgasms for those same two weeks. She also behaved with a more assertive style.

Since then things have really changed and keep changing. She actively controls my orgasms (something she didn't really do for the first seven moths of our FLR) and makes me do what she needs or wants in order to be comfortable at all times. This includes focusing on her pleasure in bed, regardless of my having an orgasm or not (at the beginning she was always very considerate and refused to be "selfish" towards me even though I told her that what I wanted was to serve her).

Needless to say, I am much happier now that she has finally taken control and the last three or four months have been great for me. I think for her as well. Our first FLR anniversary is coming up soon and I want to do something special for her.

Thanks for you wonderful website and book. It has really changed our lifes, I believe for ever.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

Stealth submission never works… it is getting to be a tired story around here, but one that can’t really be told enough. It took giving her the book just to get things started, but it took a very tangible life incident to convince her that this is really what she wanted. You opened the door to the car, but she is clearly driving.

This is how it should be. Congratulations.

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Ken,

My wife and I have been in an FLR for a little more than two years and your book was very helpful in taking us down that road. It is the one resource my wife actually read and liked. My problem is that lately, it has been better and more fulfilling for 90% of the time, but the other 10% of the time, I'm at a big low. I'm sure it won't surprise you to hear that that 10% is right after orgasm.

Any suggestions?

Unsigned

Ken responds…

Explain this to your wife. She needs you to complete the feedback loop so she can become better at controlling your orgasm for your mutual benefit. Your orgasms need to be managed in such a way that they maximize your affection and service to her... period.

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Hello Ken and Emily!

I'm a very young man (23) years old that has been searching around the internet for articles on male submission. I guess this venture for knowledge stemmed from my very long-held fantasies of being submissive to a woman. I recently ran across your website. There is not a whole lot of rational and low key material out there on this subject. Thank you for putting this all out on the web and setting up a place to let people know that they are not alone.

I am slightly confused as to what exactly my true motives are in all of this. My girlfriend and I have discussed our more natural roles in the bedroom. She tends to be more dominant, and I am submissive. When I asked her what she thought, she said that’s the way things have been heading. I then followed up by asking her if she liked the way that things were going, and she agreed that she did. During intimate experiences we have been performing these roles to a certain degree. She has become more confident and even a little cocky in bed. I find this irresistible. I love her a great deal and would love to do this kind of stuff for her as acts of service are my primary means of communicating my love. I have known about my feelings on this subject but that I have already been performing "stealth submission" for the last year or so... all the classic examples, with the foot rubs and massages which she will ask for on occasion but mostly only accepts when offered.

What do you guys think? Seeing as how I feel I could go and be happy either way, I want to make this as comfortable as possible for her. From what I have described here is this worth looking into and exploring more? Should I bring this up to her and try to have a conversation about this with her?I would like to do some more reading on the subject to truly understand how this all works, if nothing else it is a VERY interesting and exciting topic to explore if nothing more than education alone. Any advice or reading material you could provide would be wonderful!

Thanks so much!

Unsigned

Ken responds….

I think getting her reading material on this topic is more important than you reading more material. Let her get the beginning of an education on the broader merits of an FLR and let her decide where to take this. Trust her; she knows what is best for you.
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Emily and Ken,

A quick note of thanks.

Your website, book and letters have been wonderful for my wife and me. They just hit the right note for us both. Making a FLR very accessible and open to future possibilities.... nothing too prescriptive or confrontational for either of us....but setting a direction for us to explore service and new dynamics within our marriage. So thanks.

I also wanted to comment on bottom kissing and how it is a very powerful submissive experience for me. This is something that you comment on as being common for submissive men. It is for me. However my experience (and comments) are too explicit and surprising....so I'll simply say that I agree with you.

Finally I just looked at a poll on a related site that indicated that your book and website are a significant resource for folks introducing FLR to their marriage. This is something to be proud of.

Thanks again,

Unsigned

Ken responds….

Your words are very kind. Emily and I are both glad that we can be of some service to others who are going through the same challenges that she and I went through together in the beginning of our own journey to a female-led relationship.

Thank you also for your polite endorsement of bottom kissing. I think many women are inhibited in regard to allowing their husbands this indulgence. Perhaps they would open up a bit if they knew the deep sense of closeness that it brings about in the submissive man.

-----

Dear Emily and Ken,

I have been a regular visitor to your site for a couple years now. My wife and I have experimented with female dominance on and off over our twenty year marriage. There was a time, about ten years ago, when I told her that I wanted her to be in charge of our marriage. To my surprise, she was game for it. It went great for awhile, but then my male ego somehow rose up and in an argument I made the remark that I only submitted to her because she wouldn't submit to me and SOMEBODY had to be in charge. She took that personally, and ever since then whenever I bring up the prospect of her being in charge, those words return to haunt me.

My problem is that I become excited about the thought of submitting to her, but after the fun is over, I feel ashamed of being dominated by a woman, and my male ego rises up again and asserts itself. Is there something either she or I can do to prevent this from happening? I am afraid to try again knowing that I will only rebel again. But if I knew how to prevent that from happening, I would be on my knees today, begging her to take charge once and for all and pledging my absolute obedience.

Thank you listening,

Jon

Ken responds…

It seems to me that you are half way there already in that you recognize that your male ego is working against what it is that you truly want. Understanding your weaknesses is the beginning of overcoming them.

Go to your wife with your concerns. Talk to her about this site and how your interest in FLR's has remained and you continue to mature beyond your initial experiments ten years ago. Be sure that you focus on what is in it for her and that it is primarily a means of becoming closer with her... not the culmination of your sexual fantasies.

Openness, communication, time... these are all your allies.

-----

Dear Ken,

Help.

Here is my situation and I respectfully request your insights and suggestions on how I might proceed. I have been in stealth mode for the past 1.5 months. I have been doing almost all the laundry, majority of the meals and dishes, vacuuming and cleaning of the shower and bathrooms (between cleaning visits by maid service) and cleaning her car. I have definitely stepped up significantly vs. what I had done in the past. Also I now give my wife almost nightly foot massages while we watch TV and I have given her the remote, although on a couple of occasions she hasn’t been comfortable with it. Initially she said, "oh you don’t need to massage my feet tonight", but she has become more comfortable with it, loves the feel of the oil and the one hour foot massages and now no longer questions it, just enjoys it (progress!). Also, almost daily I caress her body both at night and in the morning while in bed, not expecting and sometime refusing anything in return. You must understand that my wife is a very giving women, putting others first, so this has been difficult for her to accept.

We have been married for twenty-one years and my wife is an attractive, albeit conservative women. In the past two months, our passion has improved, we talk more and I look for opportunities where I can do things for her. Most recently I purchased a massage table with a mattress heater as a surprise. I provided her with a letter/menu that I left for her in her car in the morning. The letter said it was to be her night/all about her if she so desired, and it had options for her to select in how the night was to go.

To my surprise, when she returned home that evening she returned the note to me with her selections checked and she loved the idea. She chose to have me undress her and join her in the shower to shave her legs, followed by a full body massage by candlelight followed by me softly kissing her body (etc). She so enjoyed the new table and the evening and told me so. So I told her how much I enjoyed doing it for her, and would love to do it again, but that she had to request it herself.

Well it has been two weeks and she has yet to request it. Granted we have been busy, but I am attempting (ok manipulating the situation) to push her to make requests for what she wants. So I am at an impasse, do you have any suggestions on how I should proceed? I want to prepare her for my introducing her to FLM, but I first want her to experience some of the benefits prior to bringing it up. I am not sure if I should do another letter/menu and if so what new things can I put on it for her to choose from, or should I just wait for her to request “another night of pleasure”?

So, respectfully, your insights and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

If you have been reading our site for any time at all, then you already know the answer to your question. Stealth submission will never satisfy you. You must open up to her about your submission in a way that opens the door to a more structured FLR, where you both formally acknowledge your roles and they are reinforced with the techniques we discuss on here.

It is becoming cliché, and it is certainly self serving, but it is time for you to buy her our book. It may not go perfectly, but over time, she will understand the benefits that this offers to both of you.

-----
Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

February 2009

2009-01-30T09:08:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the February Updates

The cold weather this winter has kept to many of us inside. Proximity breeds romance, but it can sometimes test our patience with those we love. Imagine if the rules in your own relationships were crystal clear, and her words and wishes were always the priority. Would that not turn your cabin fever into properly channeled affection in a hurry?

Enjoy the letters and keep warm!

Emily

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Emily,

My husband approached me last year with your web site and book. I was in the final trimester of a pregnancy and we were really enjoying the final time for me to be pregnant, my different body, and knowing this would be our last pregnancy. I was quite intrigued at his interest and suggestions, but since we already have children and had another on the way, I was not sure how to implement your ideas. He felt very energized, however, as did I, and we went ahead and made a re-commitment to each other using some of your suggestions and adding some things of our own.

We have been married for nearly 15 years and together for nearly 20, and have always had a good sexual relationship, but this added a new dimension to many different areas of our relationship, areas that needed a little help. We had a good couple of weeks prior to the baby and then after about 6 weeks or so, another good couple of months. His focus was on me to a degree that it had not been for a long time and we were really working as a team with our house.

However, I'm writing now because I cannot seem to generate the attention, focus, and energy to be the top dog all of the time. I have two older children a ten year old and now an almost one year old, and I feel like tracking his behavior and coming up with ways for him to serve me or help me has become a chore. Unfortunately, I have let my part slip, and I'm sure he misses the new energy in the relationship, as do I. I'm looking for some help for how to maintain this long-term. I am game for many things in the bedroom (when we can find the time or space!!), but would really appreciate some pointers on keeping on. I think we probably need to re-focus, perhaps with another "inaugural" session of our own, but really want to figure out how to maintain the energy or focus with a household and kids to manage, too.

Perhaps a complicating factor is that, professionally, he is extremely busy and because he is doing a training program, does not have control of his schedule, so is not around all that much. I feel bad telling him to take care of things when he has had minimal sleep and time off.

I appreciate your feedback and any suggestions you may have.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

First and foremost, congratulations on the success of your relationship. It sounds like you had a spectacular marriage before this started, and your openness to these ideas allowed you to expand on your relationship. This is the ideal set of circumstances.

First, it is ok to relax, even if it creates a lull in the intensity for your husband. It is true that th is is about you and him together, but that said, you need to always put your interests first. Reinforcing his submission is a means to a better relationship, but it begins and ends with a happier and more contented wife. The good news is that despite your hectic lifestyles there are some things I think you can do to mix up your relationship.

Begin by putting your pleasure and the denial of his orgasm at the forefront of your plans. Send him an email telling him to go out and purchase you something intimate. Be no more specific than this; allow his creativity to express itself. Ask him to give it to you on an evening the following weekend. Tell him that if you are pleased with the gift, you will allow him an orgasm, if not; he will have to buy another gift.

You now have created a dynamic where until he buys and gives you that gift, he will not be able to stop thinking about it… and more pointedly… about you. You will have accomplished two weeks of sustained and deeply felt affection (in him and for you) with a several sentence email. When the gift comes, have him wrap it and lay it at your feed in the bedroom. Have him kneel before you, but tell him that you want to have him provide oral sex on you for some time before you open the gift. Then, no matter what the gift, tell him you were hoping that his choice had been something “a bit less inhibited”, and that he will have to come back the following week with something more exciting.

This adorable little game then continues for another week.

-----

Letters from Men

Emily and Ken,

A sincere thank you from another enlightened (and grateful) man. I was raised in a very "traditional" household where the man makes all the decisions, the woman waits on the man, etc., and I would have never even entertained the thought of LFA had I not discovered your site. About six months ago, I purchased your book, read it and gave it to my wife of 11+ years. We have a great marriage by the way- much better than most of our friends' in my opinion- but we had definitely been fighting more than usual the past few years. She read the book and agreed that the concepts presented made a lot of sense, and we had what I call a "honeymoon period" of about two weeks where everything was great inside and outside of the bedroom. Unfortunately she never formalized her role as the head of the household, I wasn't comfortable approaching her again, and the excitement faded. We soon began to drift apart again.

About a month ago, we sat down to talk about what had been wrong lately and I brought up your book and the fact that we had only given LFA a half-hearted attempt. I explained that it had been very difficult for me to share my submissive feelings with her and that I felt somewhat rejected and embarrassed by the fact that she had not reciprocated by formalizing her authority- or at least told me that LFA was not for her. She agreed that we needed to talk and suggested that we go out to dinner in the next few days. Three days later, we did. I denied myself during those three days and was extremely excited to see what the evening would bring. My wife did not disappoint. She is usually a fairly conservative dresser, but emerged from our bedroom that evening wearing a sexy black dress and black leather boots. She looked beautiful, and given our agenda for the evening I was extremely turned on by the outfit.

As we left for the restaurant, I almost felt like we were on our first date again. I rushed to open doors for her and felt genuinely excited to be out with her- needless to say, not a normal state of mind for a husband of 11+ years. We had a very nice dinner, and soon the conversation turned to your book and our relationship. We discussed my submissive desires, how relaxed I felt with her in control, and her occasional frustration with being "just" a housewife and mother- whereas she held a management position when she was working. (She chose to stay at home and is very busy with volunteer activities, but still feels the need to have a so-called real job). The more we talked, the more I felt that LFA was right for us. It would give her a position of control and authority in our relationship that we both seemed to desire. About halfway through dinner, she reached into her purse, pulled out a piece of paper, pushed it across the table and told me to sign
it.

The paper was a written agreement stating that she is now the head of the household, and I will change my behavior to please her. It was a really creative move on her part that I never saw coming, and I found it very exciting. (I actually got an erection while reading it). Needless to say, I signed. Once we returned home, I told her that I felt it was important for me to formally express my submissive status (kind of the flipside of her formally asserting her authority over me). She agreed, and I dropped to my knees. I alternated between holding her hands and rubbing her legs while looking up into her eyes. I told her that I was not taking this decision lightly and truly believed it would be good for us, and that I love her probably more than she even understands. I also told her that I admire her, respect her, and completely trust her. I acknowledged her as the head of our household and the decision maker in our marriage. Finally, I promised to obey her. I then gave her some time to digest what I had said. It was an incredible evening and the memory reinforces my desire to be in submission to her.

I am not naive' enough to think that there won't be any more difficult times- we obviously still have the pressures of life to deal with (work, raising kids, etc.), but I am certain that LFA has been a very positive change for us. I think it has given my wife a renewed sense of self confidence, and I know it has made me a better person. I am much more relaxed and just generally more enjoyable to be around. I handle stress better, my temper seems to be under control, and the temptation to argue with my wife is almost completely gone. Frankly, I am now often the doting husband I always hoped to be. My sex drive is up, my wife looks more beautiful to me than she ever has, and I continue to be excited by her subtle reminders of her authority over me. Given that this has gone on uninterrupted for almost a month, I am convinced that it is genuine and permanent- as opposed to temporary excitement that might result from a new role-playing scenario.

I also routinely kiss or rub her feet (something I always wanted to do but rarely did), and she is clearly more receptive to this behavior than before we adopted LFA. I am hopeful that we will continue to discover together additional methods to reinforce our new roles. I think many men are taught that they must lead in all situations. This can have the effect of making us feel like we have to know everything in order to be a success. Not only is this an unrealistic expectation in any context, it is particularly burdensome in the context of a marriage- where the wife is simply better suited to make most, if not all, decisions. She continues to impress me as I keep my mouth shut and let her drive the boat- her decisions continue to be good ones (and not always what I would have chosen). Not only does she seem intrinsically better suited to make these decisions, she simply knows more about what goes on in our home life. That said, she is not too proud to ask for my input if she feels like it will be valuable. Another example- she has an ability to discipline our children and still have them feel loved- even in the immediate aftermath of the punishment. This is a gift I simply do not have. All of this has been incredibly liberating for me (yes, me). The burden of trying to lead my wife in situations where she should be in control has been lifted.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Greg T in Texas.

Ken responds…

We have received many thoughtful and well-written success stories in the years that we have been doing running the site and updates page, and this is one of the most spectacular letters we have ever received.

You hit on some key benefits we often fail to reinforce. For example, your temper and your impulse to argue are greatly diminished. LFA gives you a first level filter that says, “she is in charge, and I obey” as opposed to “I agree or disagree”, and you have learned how liberating this can be. You are also so perceptive in highlighting her strengths as a woman and a wife.

You are both incredibly lucky to have each other.

-----

Dear Emily and Ken:

Emily wrote: " I have mentioned before that bottom kissing is something most women learn to treasure, and for many submissive men it triggers deep a deep sense of their place in the relationship."

In my experience discovering these triggers is a vital part in the success of an AHF relationship. For us, triggers took two forms, both of which established that sense of place for each of us. Incidentally, neither took place in bed or involved orgasm control.

One trigger involved key words. An important cause of our AHF relationship was unacceptable behavior on my part. I was short and brusque too much of the time -- I didn't like it any more than my wife did. She called this behavior "snippy"; as our AHF parameters became established, she warned me against snippy behavior at the slightest deviation from an acceptable attitude. It instantly reestablished the dominant position in her mind – especially since I responded to it instantly by stopping and apologizing. So, this gave the sense of place to both of us.

Also, our morning ritual was essential. Every morning after she dropped the kids at school, she called to tell me that she was on her way home. This was a signal for me to stop what I was doing, prepare her tea, and wait for her at the kitchen table until she returned. I used the time to meditate on the relationship, how wonderful she was, and how much I wanted to serve and please her. It was very centering and -- as Emily writes -- triggered that deep sense of place. Upon returning home, she would sit at the table and drink her tea without even speaking to me at first. This taught me patience. Then she will initiate the conversation and we would speak about whatever might be on our minds. Afterwards, I knelt and kissed her hands until she told me to rise. Then, we went about our day.

While none of this -- the key words or the ritual -- involved any direct sexual contact, they were of course exciting to both of us. But she felt -- and I certainly agree -- that the point was for me to find that sense of place without the stimulus of sexual behavior. Finding that place is a reward in itself, maybe even our goal.

Not that I'm against bottom kissing: That's fun, too!

Unsigned

Ken responds…

This excellent letter is an appropriate reminder that the rituals of reinforcing who is in charge and who obeys do not have to be sexual in nature to be effective.

-----

Ken:

I really like your website and your approach to this topic. Like most of the men who write to you, I am searching for a positive way to express my sexuality, which includes a life-long desire to give authority to a strong and loving woman.

Also like a lot of the men who write to you, I have tried out some ideas through stealth submission to my wife. For background, she is a beautiful and accomplished woman, smart, and a natural leader with very significant roles in civic affairs at several local, state and national organizations. Her decisions put the best interests of our family first, so, as an intelligent man, I have long deferred to her.

Regarding my implementation of stealth submission, before seeing your website or any others on this, I "invented" the idea that I would stop self-pleasuring. This produced intense loving feelings on my part for my poor unsuspecting wife. She had no idea how strong my sex drive was, and she had not really been unhappy about our (utterly becalmed) sex life. It had a wonderful effect on intimacy – before, she had complained that I would hardly ever touch her, but upon quitting I craved it.

I now have ten months of experience in my experiment, and I have learned some things about myself: If I am sexually interested but going without orgasms for three or four days, I feel much more anxiety, I am easily frustrated and get angry, and I lose a lot of sleep. I really struggle with feelings of rejection by my wife (who loves me, without a doubt, but her libido is decidedly low). At times I have gotten to feeling pretty emotionally unstable, feeling impulses to do reckless and crazy things (quit my job, ask for a divorce). I really have struggled with this. To get it under control, now, when I feel this happening I go ahead and masturbate. It makes me sad because it is not what I want, but it is effective in getting me back to a more stable mental state.

My submission experiment was stealthy, but I did tell my wife about discontinuing masturbation (it never had been a secret, although she preferred not knowing any details). After a few fights about sex she urged me to go back to self-pleasuring a little, to take pressure off of her and in light of the now apparent fact that orgasm was a major stress management tool for me. Eventually I concluded that she was right, reluctantly, because as I said it feels lonely and disappointing to me. I use it as a last resort.

Finally, I find myself having a second or third drink on nights I am sure there is little chance of sexual activity, because that makes it easier for me to accept that cuddling will be the extent of the activity for the night.

Don't get me wrong – I am powerfully attracted to the AHF relationship dynamic. I have tasted the happiness it brings me to make my wife the centerpiece of my life. Since starting in with stealth submission, I lost weight (back to high school trim), my wife has become incredibly attractive in my eyes, our sex life in fact has improved dramatically, and I have found it easy and gratifying to convert sexual energy into doing things for my wife. The idea of orgasm management seems very exciting, but I am really afraid that I cannot handle much of it. I am also afraid that my wife's low libido would lead her to not really embrace the trade off of replacing orgasms with a high degree of acknowledged sexuality in the relationship. Losing sleep out of excitement or frustration is a particular concern to me as it affects my job performance in a very challenging job.

Ken, I know you have observed that some men taking this path are highly self analytical – perhaps too much so. I even wonder if being aware of one's submissive feelings goes hand in hand with a high degree of self-analysis. Still, I am very interested in your views on the concerns I raise. I am being careful what I wish for.

Mike in New York

Ken responds…

I am concerned by your letter in that the details I have omitted from the published version and even the ones I have included represent very dangerous paths. Alcohol as an answer to your problems, for example, is a disturbing option given the alternatives that are available to you..

I would highly encourage you to reach out to a local and certified counselor who can help to manage the symptoms of your frustration. However, I would also ask you to reach out to your wife with a more candid review of your feelings. You love this woman, you trust her leadership, and you acknowledge that she is concerned about your best interests. She is apparently uncomfortable with discussions that involve details of your sexuality, but she can and must be willing to deal with these issues if she is to help you.

I think you will find that self managing your orgasms will never represent a satisfying outcome. This facilitates physical denial, but does not enable the emotional intimacy that is brought about when she actively controls your pleasure.

Find the help you need. Your comments regarding self-analysis are brilliant, and you have no doubt concluded on your own that your letter represents a cry for help. You need to be the one to seek that help – not in the form of a answer from a distant website – but from trained professionals and the woman that you love.

-----

Dear Addison’s,

Let me first thank you for the concise and detailed website that you two maintain. My wife and I also enjoyed the e-book. I enjoy reading the updates mostly, seeing how people progress with this. We are both twenty-six and reside in Australia.

Your site was not the trigger for us in adopting this lifestyle (although I wish I found it earlier). It simply happened. I was disillusioned by the lack of sex in our marriage and seriously entertained the idea of looking elsewhere for intimacy. Thankfully, before going down that road, I realized that although I might “scratch the itch” for a while, it would inevitably lead to destruction. For some unknown reason I decided to pour my love into the marriage from then on – as a trial if you like. I started cleaning, cooking and giving her wonderful massages every night. The bedroom became alive, it was all about her and I loved it. Sex, well I just love it. We’re having less “traditional” intercourse, but enjoying far more other delights, once again, all geared at her pleasure.

From the start, never once did I use the words submissive, dominant or orgasm management. Actions speak louder than words and that’s exactly the approach I took. She is the head of the house, she knows it, I know it. We later had discussions to this effect; however it all began with showering her with selfless acts of service for about a month. Confronting her with this topic out of the blue would have scared the socks off her and would have made me feel like a freak.

On a side note, I am embarrassed when I observe how some grown men behave/project themselves regarding this entire subject. I cringe! Femdom sex stories and the like belittle us and make us men out to be some sort of joke. The sad thing is that they are written for a predominantly male audience. What’s going on? I was raised a gentleman, a man’s man. I would never see myself in the situations depicted on this site. I have a real soft spot though, and that is my wife. I control myself (other than orgasm management), but it is a control exercised in such a way so as to benefit my wife entirely. She makes requests, has desires and also exercises the final say in matters – but she doesn’t control me. She’s living as a queen, enjoying life and making my life richer as well. She, and I, would never go back to how things were!

I know you guys must get inundated with emails – I hope this one finds you.

Many thanks,

Craig

Ken responds…

Craig, your perspective is perfect. You have the right motivations, and the outcome is the proof. While I do not judge men that turn to femdom pornography as a means to satisfy something missing in their lives, I do wish they would pursue more healthy alternatives such as the one we offer on our site.

-----

Dear Ken,

And the truth shall set you free! I had no idea how good coming to this realization would be. My wife and I have been married for seventeen years and I always tried to uphold the traditional model of a marriage with great resistance from my wife. I stumbled on your site today, and the words that I read lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. I have struggled with my desire for her to take charge for years.

My wife has encouraged me lately to communicate more about what I want sexually, and until today, I could not come up with the right words to explain it. It is that level of "sexual energy" that I crave. What I see described here is the more spiritual form of physical intimacy that I want. Serving my wife is something that I have begrudgingly moved toward, but not anymore. I plan to commit to her 100% and devote myself to her happiness. She is out of town, and I made a list of chores to finish before she gets back and will plan for the massage that she mentioned and make sure everything is just right.

I am not sure how to approach this with her, but I have a feeling it will be a huge relief to her as well since she has expressed her frustration with the traditional model of submission (wife to husband). She is a strong, intelligent and incredibly beautiful woman. The times that I have been the most aroused by her have been when she had control, knew it and exerted that power over me. Why couldn't I have come to this realization before?

Thank you for being here.

Mark in Tacoma, WA

Ken responds…

I’m glad you happened upon us. Continue the open communication with your wife and make sure she is given all the resources that she needs to better understand how to help you both excel with an AHF relationship.

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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

January 2009

2008-12-29T16:01:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the January Updates

I hope everyone enjoyed the holidays... although the season is not quite over as I post this. We wanted to get these up as Ken and I are off to go skiing, and we did not want to be late posting again this month. Enjoy the letters, and remember, we do all of this so that you can build courage to communicate and better relationships with the one you love.

Happy New Year,

Emily

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Emily and Ken,

My husband and I are avid readers of your blog and appreciate your insights. Here is our story…

My husband and I have been together for 24+ years in total. Married for nearly 19 years. Even in the early days of our relationship there were signs of my dominate nature and his submissive nature. We explored some light role playing early on, but just a few times and only in the bedroom. Spicing up our sex life was how I looked at it. He may have seen it as more. In fact, looking back there were many signs that he was reaching out to me giving me hints of his desire to be submissive to me.

About four years ago he tried to communicate his feelings to me. He did a good job. But, what he said and how day to day life was lived were two different things. He struggled with and internalized his true feelings. I did the worst thing I could do, I didn't talk about it, unless he brought it up. I blew it off as him wanting a fairly typical male bedroom fantasy. This behavior from both of us, along with other circumstances, led our relationship into a very dark and troubling time. I doubted him. He doubted me. We closed each other off and we stopped communicating entirely. All of this led to a physical separation that lasted for thirteen long months. However, the emotional separation preceded the physical separation by about a year. It was truly a devastating time for both of us. Even after reconciling, and after having long conversations about his submissive nature and my dominating nature, we still we weren't fully connected until about six months after we reunited.

It wasn't until my husband actually started walking the walk and not just talking the talk did I take his submissiveness seriously. He started doing the housework, running the errands, all the things I had done for the past 24 years. He came to me one day and requested I own the finances, without any unsolicited input from me. This was a huge step. I knew if he was willing to give up access to the money, and let me make all the fiscal decisions of the household he was serious.

We are only three months into a full fledged FLR relationship, and it's gone well thus far. The key is WE COMMUNICATE DAILY about it. He has taken on all household chores. I'm attentive to his submissive needs, and not just in the bedroom. That is only a part of our relationship. I manage his orgasms. I can get him excited by a simple text, or comment in public or in private. I'm learning more and more each day, and more importantly BELIEVING more and more each day that he is happiest when he is taking care of my needs, be they physical or emotional.

He loves starting his day making my coffee and delivering it to me in bed. He loves ending his day naked and curled up to me looking for the warmth my body provides him. He gives me space when I need it; he gives me attention when I need it. He does this FOR ME. He has given up his selfish male ego, he puts my needs and desires above his own. He serves me well. And I've never seen him more at peace and more happy than what he is today. We work well together. Everything comes from a place of love. Even when I deny him orgasm release, he feels loved (maybe this is when he feels the most loved). We communicate openly and honestly. I am the decision maker. When I want his input, and I still do want his input on things relating to our kids, and our household, he gives his input, but he leaves the final word to me. He accepts it and we move forth in that spirit. I quite like that.

I do use discipline beyond just the orgasm management. My husband fears more the punishment of sleeping away from me, getting no attention from me, etc. than he fears anything else. That's an easy punishment as I see it. (Though I know many would disagree with me, and that's fine, it's what works for each couple, there is not a one size fits all approach to FLR.)

We both look forward to further exploring all the possibilities of a FLR. We are proceeding at a pace and a comfort level that works for me. Whatever we do it has to feel natural and compliment my already dominant personality. If it feels manufactured, it doesn't work for me. I'm always open to suggestions on ways to make him feel his most submissive to give him the most satisfaction in life. However, I decide what does and doesn't work for me, and he happily accepts that.

This is just one experience but I think it is shared among many couples that are in early stages of a FLR. I can only say for my husband and I the everyday changes we have made to our life, both in and out of the bedroom, have made us closer, more in love, and have bonded us in a way we've never bonded before. To all couples that are new to an FLR, I wish you as much success as me and my hubby have had the past three months!

Signed… “L”

Emily responds…

What a well detailed account of your evolution to a successful female-led relationship. You make no bones about the absolute nature of your control. You make the decisions, you draw the boundaries, and you remain in complete control. This is how it should be. It is the willingness to step up and seize the head of the household role that makes your marriage work better, your communication more open, and your passions more intense.

Your comment about going beyond orgasm management, and restraining your affections as a means of punishing poor behavior is a good one. The fact that this serves as punishment is evidence that you are doing everything right. How else, one would wonder, could withholding your affection have any meaningful impact unless he valued it as he does?

-----

Dear Emily,

I have always loved my husband, ever since the first day I met him. He’s the perfect man. He is a gentleman, he is a great provider, he is honest, open, a good listener, a wonderful lover and my best friend. I had the perfect life and did not want anything to change. When he gave me your book the day after Christmas, more accurately after I had read most of it, I thought it must be some sort of joke. I could not imagine that my husband could possibly have been keeping a secret like this from me. We are a very sexually adventurous couple, so kinky behavior in the bedroom is nothing new to our relationship. Interest in that sort of activity, however, was the only clue I had to his submission. However, I do now understand that this is much, much more than that.

I have now read the entire book, all of your website, and many of the letters on your blog, and most of [another website]. At my request, he has left me alone to spend some time adjusting to this new revelation from him. I have told him that on New Year’s Eve, I will let him know how I want to proceed with all of this. I write you now in advance of New Year’s in the hopes that you will get this email and tell me what you think of my plans.

The two of us had already planned on going to dinner and have a reservation at a local restaurant with another couple. We will leave early, and the two of us should arrive home (alone) around eleven. Upon returning home, I plan on putting on a leather outfit that he had (not ironically) bought me a few Halloweens back. I plan on stripping him, blindfolding him, and having him kneel on the floor in our bedroom until I am ready to approach him.

After reading your site, and [other sites], I want him to experience his surrender to my authority in some way more intense that what you typically suggest. I want to begin by taking the blindfold off and having him bow down and kiss my feet. I want him to kiss his way up my legs. I want his lips on my [bottom], I want to [assure his chastity] for no less than a full month. I want to reinforce my new role as the alpha spouse by [experimenting with something not mentioned on your site].

I write because I know this is taking it much further than you advocate. Others, however, have suggested that the more intense I make this first night, the better start we will have to our new relationship. As I said, we are a very sexually adventurous couple, so I am comfortable with all of this.

If it isn’t obvious by now, I really want to give this gift to my husband. His opening up to me about this represents a great treasure to me, and I want to honor that gift. I just want to make sure I do it right.

What do you think?

Unsigned

Emily responds…

I think the things you mention in your letter are completely appropriate to introduce into your relationshiop, but I am not so certain that you should do so all at once. One month of his enforced chastity will be a wonderful experience for both of you. Initiating this at the onset is perfect. I have mentioned before that bottom kissing is something most women learn to treasure, and for many submissive men it triggers deep a deep sense of their place in the relationship. Again, this is a perfect activity to accompany the conversation where you formalize your roles.

I would not, however, say the same for the other activity that you mention. (Forgive me, readers; you will have to use your imagination as it is beyond the scope of what we consider appropriate material for this site.) If this is something you think you will enjoy, then I would encourage you to try it at some point down the road. Is this particular activity ideal for the first night of your new relationship? I will leave that up to you, but for me, it is not.

[Note that a more detailed letter was sent, and a more complete response has already been returned directly to the author.]

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Letters from Men

Emily and Ken,

What a wonderful site!

I wish I had found it earlier as my submissive tendencies have increased the last 5-7 years. I'm a 53 year old male in Ohio who has been happily married for 27 years. I'm lucky in that I have submissive tendencies and my wife is naturally "bossy". I'm living a secret submissive life that seems to work for both of us. However, after reading your site and blogs, I realize there could be much more satisfaction for both of us. Kathy comes from a very traditional background and I'm not sure she really realizes how "bossy" she is. She is very organized so there are lists galore. We never argue because even after discussion, I will always accede to what she wants and as you know, that is what I want. I'm so happy to find a website with which I can identify.

I will order your book and read it and hope to present it to Kathy around Valentines Day. There is too much emotionally going on with the holidays and our family members to give it the proper attention.

I'm very nervous about her rejecting the concept but know that if that is the case, I'll do what I can to make her life better. I love her so much and now that are children are grown, it will be easier to make Kathy my primary focus of love and affection one way or the other.

Whatever happens, I'll let you know - once again, thank you for the time and effort you put into this site.

Unsigned,

Ken responds…

You can give the book with the confidence of knowing that an emotionally mature, loving wife will almost always recognize her husband’s willingness to open up about his submission as a gesture of the respect, love and trust that he affords her.

I can tell from your letter that you are an excellent communicator. You may consider including a heartfelt, and very candid letter when you hand her the book. Make sure she understands that you give this gift to her with an open and honest heart, and that she is sensitive to the emotional risk that accompanies the disclosure.

-----

Dear Emily & Ken

Firstly I want to thank you for your wonderful web site which has been so helpful and informative for me.

I am yet another man who had been married for nearly thirteen years before finally plucking up the courage to leave your web site open for my wife to see. It all went a bit wrong in that I left a message down stairs directing her to the computer where the site was open. But somehow she managed to close the browser without seeing the site. She then phoned me while I was on my way to work.

Directing her over the phone to your site was the most exiting thing I have ever done. She expressed some excitement of her own at the name of the site and your introduction heading “A man is Happiest …..” and my hopes rocketed.

When I came home we had a very awkward chat, which left things in the air somewhat (I so wish I had your book then) but I sort of carried on with some stealth-like submission in hopes it would be considered a trial period. Three days later, she asked me for a massage and I braved a “does this mean were in a Wife Led Marriage now?” and she simply said “yes”, after which we formalized her control.

From there things have been going fantastically. She grows more confident by the day and I feel elated 24/7. We are so close now. It’s like when we first met all over again. I can tell already we will never go back to how we used to be (we are three months in now). The only difficulties are with some of the finer points like “Orgasm Management” but your book will sort that out I’m sure.

Once again many, many thanks for transforming my life for the better. She so deserves my complete devotion if only to make up for the last five years!

Steve - UK

Ken responds…

Steve, it sounds like you are off to a wonderful beginning. The hard part will be the next three months, when the novelty of submission will begin to wear away, but the necessity of steady and consistent obedience remains in place. This will require self-discipline and constant communication on your part, but I know you are up for the task.

-----

Dear Ken and Emily,

My wife and I are building a female-led relationship that wouldn't be possible without you. Thank you very much for this.

My wife told me to arrange a beach vacation for February or March and I was thinking that a place where women are in charge and men serve them would be nice. My wife doesn't like the leather, paddles, whips or extreme stuff, but maybe there is a place where I can pamper her in an environment where women are treated the way they deserve, where I can pamper her and she can feel comfortable showing that she is the head of the household (she is reluctant to show this in public, even when we don't know anybody). Do you know if there is such a place?

Unsigned

Ken responds…

Oh, how I wish I did! I am not really sure I know of a place where women are in charge, but I do know that if you are out of town and in the company of strangers, this offers an opportunity for her to be more dominant in public with you. Depending on how far she wants to take it, this can be a tremendous growth opportunity for both of you.

Also… if any readers know of a place where women are openly in charge, be sure to email us and let us know!

-----

Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

November/December 2008

2008-11-28T07:32:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the November/December Updates

Our apologies for the delay in posting the November update. We have gone ahead and combined November with December into a single update. Things have been a bit crazy around the Addison household, but hopefully things will get back to normal soon enough.

Emily

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I recently graduated from college and soon afterwards began dating a man about ten years older than me. He is very attractive, financially very successful, and even though older than me, still very young in the grand scheme of things at the age of thirty-three. After only six weeks of dating I was really falling for him, and he told me that there was something he needed to share. He gave me your book, nicely wrapped, and a card in which he wrote a note including your web address. He said that this the book and web site “greatly interested” him and that I should be aware of this interest before we became any more serious. This was on a Friday night. He asked that I think about it all weekend, and call him on Sunday evening.

I spent the whole weekend reading your book, your website, and every letter on your updates page. I have to tell you that I found myself becoming extremely excited. This is the relationship that I would have chosen for us if I only I even knew that it existed. First of all, I really, really like this guy. Second, for him to open up to me about something so intensely personal, something that makes him so incredibly vulnerable, represented a major break-through in our relationship. The increase in intimacy that you talk so much about had already happened just by virtue of him sharing this with me. Thirdly, I like the idea of being in control. I don’t like arguing. I prefer to get my way. I don’t like housework. It if pleases him to do it for me then why should I do it? Finally, and most surprisingly, this has ignited an incredible sexual fire in me that has not quit burning.

I cannot believe how much his submission has aroused me. There is a certain erotic thrill that comes from just the site of this strong, successful man kneeling in front of me. He obeys me perfectly and he always thinks about my pleasure. His incredible enthusiasm for pleasing me has made me much more comfortable in allowing him to do things for me that are both expressions of his submission and bring me physical pleasure at the same time. We have [experimented with things that I have learned about on other websites] repeatedly. I would never have guessed that I would have enjoyed these things as much as I do, and he enjoys them even more than me.

I will confess that I did go too far and screwed up one night, and perhaps my experience represents a warning to others. I know that you suggest keeping the nature of this relationship just between the two of us, but one night after many drinks, I let it slip to a girlfriend of mine. She and my boyfriend were both over at my apartment (I have since moved in with my boyfriend), when after getting a bit tipsy, I started ordering him around in front of her. He was getting us refills on our drinks, rubbing my feet, and doing all of this with a very respectful and obedient tone like it was obvious he was used to taking orders. She started asking questions, and the more she asked, the more I answered. And I didn’t really just answer, I also provided evidence by [showing her something that I had read about on other websites and then bought off of the web].

Now, despite my politely asking her not to do so, she has also adopted a dominant attitude with my boyfriend. If she comes over, she will start telling him what to do. While he contends that he doesn’t mind, I do. Also, she has started introducing female led relationship ideas to her boyfriend, but I sense already that she will abuse her authority in the relationship, as she is already talking about [doing certain activities] that I believe are motivated more by her selfishness and thrill-seeking than by true affection and a desire for greater intimacy.

I really regret having pulled back the curtains on the very special relationship that I have with my boyfriend. I hope others can learn from my mistake.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Your warning is important. Some close friends are capable of handling this in a mature manner, but others obviously are not. Therefore, it is best just to keep this to yourselves. I don’t know how close you are to the friend you mention in your letter, but you might want to consider cutting back your ties with this woman. I agree; she sees female authority as an approach to manipulating men for her pleasure with no recognition of the great responsibility that the woman must take on in this sort of relationship.

You, however, seem to be on a much more fruitful path. Best of luck.

-----

Emily,

I was one of those women that rejected my husband’s gift of submission to me, and now having come around to accept it, I regret having postponed it tremendously.

I was a stay-at-home mother of three who was completely overwhelmed by years of home schooling our children. I admit to having let myself go a bit, and I believed that this was responsible for a sex life that was practically non-existent. When my husband first approached me about your web site about three years ago, I believed it was 100% an attempt to ignite our sex life with kinky role playing. I failed to understand that his desire to submit to me was much more deeply rooted than that. By rejecting his submission, I was rejecting him in a sense.

Also, I felt convinced that my initial reaction was correct because after saying I was not interested, his “stealth” submission ended. While he had always naturally deferred to my judgment and he had always done a lot around the house, he seemed to retreat on both of these fronts. Submission seemed to be the furthest thing from his mind. That’s why when following the last of our children’s move to college, his second appeal to me to consider your ideas was such a surprise. To be honest, I hadn’t even thought about this topic in over a year. However, with less of a hectic schedule and, as an empty nester, sort of a fresh outlook on life in general, I decided to be more open to it.

The second time around I actually read your entire book, having only skimmed the first chapter when he first gave it to me. Now I understand that his submission never went away, the only thing that faded (temporarily) was his hope that I could fulfill his submission with loving female authority. I considered this time that he seemed very serious, and I proposed to test him by telling him that I would be open to trying this under a few conditions. I gave him a number of things I wanted done around the house, some representing major projects and others representing ongoing responsibilities. I told him I expected him to do all of these things and lose twenty pounds. He had also let himself go, and while I had gotten myself back into the gym, he refused to do anything about his own health. Until all of these requests had been satisfied, it would be business as usual around our house.

I gave him these requests sometime around the middle of August. Within two months he had done everything on the list and having gotten himself back to working out and on a very strict diet, had lost the full twenty pounds. I kissed him when he told me, and I told him that the weekend would begin a new phase in our relationship. I told him that I had made dinner plans for Saturday night, but it would be a surprise. When Saturday evening came, I had him dress me in a new outfit that I had bought. Right as he was finishing, the doorbell rang. He asked me who it was, and I told him only to help me into my shoes. Then I told him that my plans involved going out with my girlfriends. His plans involved staying home and readying the house for our little “formalize our roles ceremony” in whatever way he deemed best. When I arrived home, we would we would have our little talk and things would be very different from then on.

You can imagine how much this little ploy excited him. I have to confess that is also excited me. I went out and had a great time with my girlfriends, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him at home getting ready for me. I also knew that coming home just a little tipsy would help with the nerves I had about this. When I opened the front door, I could see that the lights were off in the house, but there was the flicker of candles coming from the bedroom. He had moved a dining room chair into the bedroom and made a path of rose petals leading up to it. At the front of the path was him completely naked with a gift bag on the floor next to him. He first helped me out of my shoes, my dress, and all of the rest of my clothes. Then he handed me the gift bag which contained a very sexy silk robe. I put this on and then walked to the chair. I decided to appear extra dominant, so I grabbed a tuft of his hair and he followed behind me on his hands and knees.

I stood for a moment with my back to him as I considered that the chair, being a dining room chair, might be a bit uncomfortable for the sort of intimacy I was in the mood to experience. To my surprise, his head disappeared below my robe and he took to adoring my posterior in a way that, up until that moment, I had never felt comfortable with before. Perhaps due to the alcohol, or perhaps due to the fact that I now accepted his submission, I allowed him to continue. So this was the scene as I told him that for now and always I expected that he would be obey me, and that he would be my obedient loving husband, and I in turn would adore and nurture him with both love and authority.

Since that night our sex life has become increasingly less inhibited, involving vibrators, [other toys], and always symbolic acts of his humility. I would never have dreamed that this dynamic would have made us so much closer, but Emily, it really has. He is the love of my life and my new openness to his true desire has created something magical for both of us.

Thank you,

Cheryl

Emily responds…

Cheryl, you have made my heart beat faster with your beautiful letter. It is easy to understand estimate how a husband's expression of his humility can reinforce his submissive devotion to you.

Congratulations on the evolution of your relationship.

-----

Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

I have always felt like I had to hide my submission from my wife. I never felt like I had the words to articulate – forgive me for using this word—a normal explanation of how I felt. After discovering your site, I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. I also feel like you have taken my own thoughts and put words behind them that will them seem acceptable and even desirable to my wife.

I am telling her about this site tonight. Cross your fingers.

Unsigned

This letter then came the next day…

Dear Ken,

I showed my wife your site last night. Her first words to me were, “I think it’s sweet, of course I’ll try it.” Orgasm management started last night. I love this! Thank you so much.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

That’s the sort of letter (letters) we love to get. Congratulations!

-----

Dear Ken,

I just wanted to let you know that your website has opened a whole new door for my marriage. My wife and I have been married for twelve years now, and I have had submissive tendencies all along. I made the mistake of telling my wife about Female Dominance via another [more extreme] book, and she was not open to it at all. It was too “whips and chains” for her. She wanted nothing of that and told me it specifically.

Well that was six years ago, and of course as any man can tell, you that these feelings don't go away. My wife was totally unwilling to try it up until last month, she decided that compromise could be reached and she would give it a try. I showed her your website and she read it all. Since the beginning of October she has been different but in a good way, she has taken to the idea of giving me task lists. I am not saying anything to put any sort of expectations or pressure on her, but I do anything she asks. She knows I will, and I truly respect her and trust her. The other day she told me to take off my clothes and go down to the drugstore for her, are you serious I asked? She just laughed and said I know you would if I told you to. Just her teasing like that with her gentle jabs at her power over me is intoxicating for me as someone who has always been trying to live a FLR.

She notices that my submissiveness goes away for 5-10 minutes after I orgasm, and I think she is going to use this to her advantage in the future. I do not masturbate at all any more (even though every time I did before was to sites featuring female authority). Since she has opened her mind to even the idea of a FLR we have been closer than ever in our marriage. She always knew something was strained between us and she even thought I could have been having an affair, but once she saw your website she saw that so many of your female readers felt the same way about their husbands submissive natures, and after your website my wife has been so open to listening to me. I tell her everything.

Thanks for your website,

C in CA

Ken responds…

Female authority comes with many pre-conceived notions, so many women will be skeptical when their husbands approach them about an Around Her Finger relationship. The first site you showed your wife is a wonderful site run by a woman who is incredibly knowledgeable on this topic and has the best interests of her community in mind. While Emily and I do not agree with everything she says, we admire her tremendously. However, even she concedes that her site is not the right resource to introduce women to these concepts. I am glad that our own site worked out for you.

Incidentally, Emily is often asked if she knows Ms. Sutton. She does not. Once, long ago, she sent her an email, but perhaps it was lost in the mix of the many emails that I am sure she receives each month, and a reply never came. Perhaps they will connect one day and share ideas.

-----

Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

November Updates Delayed

2008-11-08T10:43:00.000-08:00

My sincere apologies for the delay in posting the November updates. I promise I will get to it as soon as possible. Thank you for your patience.

Ken

Study on Female Authority in the Home

2008-10-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

This study was conducted by the Pew Research Center and published on September 25th of 2008. It should prove very, very interesting to readers of this site, and perhaps a catalyst for discussion regarding female authority with your wife.

Gender and Power
by Rich Morin and D'Vera Cohn, Pew Research CenterSeptember 25, 2008

They say it's a man's world. But in the typical American family, it's the woman who wears the pantsuit.

To explore decision-making in the typical American home, a Pew Research Center survey asked men and women living in couples which one generally makes the decisions in four familiar areas of domestic life. Who decides what you do together on the weekend? Who manages the household finances? Who makes the decisions on big purchases for the home? And who most often decides what to watch on television?

The survey finds that in 43% of all couples it's the woman who makes decisions in more areas than the man. By contrast, men make more of the decisions in only about a quarter (26%) of all couples. And about three-in-ten couples (31%) split decision-making responsibilities equally.
On a different topic related to gender and power, the survey asked whether people are more comfortable dealing with a man or with a woman in a variety of positions of authority - doctor, banker, lawyer, police officer, airline pilot, school teacher and surgeon.

Public attitudes are mixed. Among respondents who have a preference, men are favored in some roles (airline pilot, surgeon, police officer, lawyer); women in others (elementary school teacher, banker); and the public is evenly divided about whether its family doctor should be a man or a woman. Notably, however, for all seven of these positions, a sizable share of the public says it has no gender preference - ranging from the 33% who say this about teachers to the 54% who say it about surgeons.

Taken together, these results complement earlier findings from a wide-ranging Pew survey that explored public attitudes toward men and women as political leaders1 and examined the roles that a candidate's gender and parenthood status play in voters' decisions.2
Who's the Decider at Home?

The questions about who calls the shots in different realms of domestic life were asked of 1,260 respondents who were married or living as a couple. For each question, respondents were asked if they or their partner generally has the final say in decision-making. They were not explicitly asked whether they generally share decisions - though this response was recorded if it was volunteered. And it proved to be a very common response. About half of all respondents said that they jointly decide or that there's no fixed pattern when it comes to decisions about shared weekend activities and buying big things for the home. About four-in-ten said the same about deciding what to watch on television, and about one-in-three said the same about managing the household finances.

Only one partner - the respondent - was interviewed; his or her answer was accepted as an accurate characterization of that couple's decision-making. Responses were coded to indicate whether the man or the woman in the respondent's couple makes most of the decisions, or whether the decisions are shared. For example, if a female respondent answered that she was mostly responsible for deciding on weekend plans, she was coded as being part of a couple in which the woman makes most of these decisions. If she said her partner mostly chooses what they would do, she was coded as being in a couple in which the man has the most say.

The responses to the four questions were then analyzed together to determine whether, on balance, the man or the woman in the respondent's couple made the decisions in more areas, or whether both partners played an equal role.

Significantly, in a large plurality of couples - 43% - men don't have the final say in any of the four areas tested. These men either share decision-making with their partners or defer to them. There are significantly fewer couples - 33% - in which the woman does not take the lead in any of the four areas tested. Also, more women (15%) than men (9%) are the lead decision-makers in three or more of the areas tested.

Generally, male and female survey respondents are in broad agreement about which gender makes most of the decisions in these realms of domestic life. The lone exception has to do with managing household finances. By a ratio of nearly two-to-one, women say that they (45%) rather than their partner (23%) manage the money in the household. Men see things differently. Some 37% say they manage the money, while just 30% report that their partner mostly handles the household finances.

The survey finds that when it comes to decision-making and consensus-building at home, age matters. Men and women 65 or older are twice as likely as those under the age of 30 to say they and their partner share equally in making family decisions. But while age makes a difference, income doesn't - at least not so much. In dual-income couples, it is the woman who has more say, regardless of whether she earns more or less than her partner.

A total of 2,250 adults were interviewed by telephone for this nationally representative survey, including 1,260 who were married or living with a partner. Margin of sampling error for the results based on the subsample of those who were in couples is plus or minus 3 percentage points. Margin of sampling error for the overall results is plus or minus 2.3 percentage points.
Here's a rundown of the specific survey questions and responses:

Shared Weekend Activities

What are we doing this weekend, honey? For many couples, neither partner has the final word on shared weekend plans. Nearly half (46%) of all couples make this type of decision together, and in another 6% of couples, neither partner is the regular decision maker.
But among those couples in which one partner consistently takes the lead, it's the woman and not the man who most often makes the call on weekend activities (28% vs. 16%).

Who Makes the Big Household Purchases?

A large plurality of couples (46%) jointly make decisions about buying major items for the home. But again, in families in which one person makes most of these decisions, it's the woman and not the man who has the last word when purchasing big-ticket items for the home (30% vs. 19%).

The Battle of the Budget

While large proportions of couples make major home purchases and weekend plans together, other types of decisions are most often made by one partner. For example, fully two-thirds of all couples say one partner or the other mostly manages the household finances - but, in the agggregate, men and women disagree about which partner takes the lead.

Overall, women are somewhat more likely than men to manage household finances (38% vs 30%). Fewer than three-in-ten couples (28%) equally share responsibility for making family financial decisions, the smallest percentage responding this way among the four areas tested.
However, comparing how men and women answer this question suggests that there is a good bit of gender disagreement over who ultimately controls the family's purse strings. By nearly 2-1, women say they and not their husbands control the family pursestrings (45% vs. 23%). But a narrow plurality of men say they, not their wives, are managing the family finances (37% vs. 30%).

On the other three questions, the sexes largely agree who has the ultimate say. By about 2-1, women say they and not their partner decide how the couple will spend weekend time together (30% vs.14%) and decide on major home purchases (33% vs. 17%). In both cases, but by narrower margins, men agree their wives or partners usually make these decisions.

Who Controls the TV Remote?

While husbands and wives may differ over who controls the family checkbook, there's not much dispute over who controls the television remote control. The consensus from all quarters: not me. About a quarter of all husbands and wives say they make decisions together and another one-in-nine say there's no consistent pattern to the spousal decisions on this front. Women say they are about as likely to decide what to watch on television (26%) as their spouses (28%). Men are slightly more likely to say their spouse decides (30%) than say they control the remote (24%).

Factoring the respondent's gender into the analysis produces a similar overall result. In 27% of all couples, it's the woman who decides what to watch on TV. The man decides in 26% of couples, and in about a quarter of all homes, what to watch is decided together.
One complicating factor: Perhaps there's relative peace in front of the TV because husbands and wives are simply watching different televisions, or watching their favorite shows alone at different times.

Nielsen Media Research reported in 2006 that there were more televisions than people in the average American home. This survey did not ask how many working televisions respondents had in their homes, or whether couples generally watched TV together or at different times, leaving open the possibility that when it comes to controlling the remote, "separate but equal" may help keep the peace in some American homes.

Shared Decision-Making

Many couples make some family decisions together but very few make all decisions together. When it comes to deciding on shared weekend activities, nearly half (46%) of men and women say they make the decision jointly with their spouses. But in other areas, shared decision-making is relatively rare. For example, only 28% of all couples say they share responsibility for managing household finances.

Overall, only 8% of couples say they make the decisions together in each of the four areas tested in the poll. Another 17% say they make joint decisions in three of the four. Conversely, a 54% majority say they make joint decisions in just one (20%) or none (34%) of the aspects of family life. It is possible that the share of "we decide together" responses would have been greater if this option was explicitly presented in the question. It was not. Rather, the question was worded to ask whether the respondent or his/her partner generally made decisions. In order for a respondent to be recorded as saying decisions are shared, that respondent had to volunteer this answer.

With one notable exception, patterns of decision-making by couples vary little among most demographic groups. The exception has to do with age: Older couples are significantly more likely than younger couples to make decisions together, the survey finds. More than a third of all adults 65 or older say they make most of the decisions with their spouses in at least three of the four areas tested - double the proportion of the joint decision-makers among couples younger than 30. Conversely, fully four-in-ten young adults who are married or living together say they do not make decisions together, with the majority saying they make most of the decisions themselves.

Money and Power in the Home

Two-thirds of all husbands in dual-income families say they make more money than their wives, and wives generally concur in this assessment. But earning more money doesn't necessarily mean making more decisions at home, at least for men. And for women, earning less doesn't always mean making fewer decisions.

By a ratio of better than two-to-one, women make most of the household decisions (46% vs. 19%) in couples in which the woman earns more than the man.
Among couples in which the man earns more than his female partner, women still are more likely to make the decisions in more areas, but by a narrower margin (42% vs. 30%).

Gender Roles in Positions of Authority

While many Americans say it makes no difference to them whether they deal with a man or woman in a range of high-profile positions of authority, the survey finds that they retain strong traditional gender preferences in a few positions, including elementary school teacher and police officer. The other positions tested were banker, surgeon, lawyer, airline pilot and family doctor. Here is a rundown of the public's responses, based on interviews with the full sample of 2,250 adults.

Traditional roles

Most of the nation's elementary school teachers are female, most police officers are male, and Americans generally prefer it that way. This attitude is especially prevalent when it comes to elementary school teachers; majorities of both genders and all race and age groups say they would rather deal with a woman than a man in that role. Among Americans of different education levels, college graduates are the only group in which there is not a majority preference for female teachers; they split their opinions evenly between female and no preference.

Asked about the preferred gender for police officer, Americans give a plurality of votes- 46%- to males. Although men are slightly more likely than women to prefer female teachers, there is no difference between the genders in their preference for policemen. But Americans 65 years old or older are more inclined than younger adults to prefer a male policeman - 55% do, which is at least eight percentage points more than is the case with any younger age group.

Although no demographic group prefers a female police officer, one in four black or Hispanic Americans say they would rather deal with a policewoman, compared with 12% of whites.

Surgeons and airline pilots are traditionally male occupations that remain heavily male, but half or more of Americans say it makes no difference to them whether a man or woman holds those jobs.

Majorities of men (57%) and women (52%) say they have no preference for a male or female surgeon. A third of men (32%) and women (34%) say they prefer a man, and the rest prefer a woman. Older people are most likely to prefer a male surgeon. Blacks, and to a lesser extent Hispanics, are more likely than whites to prefer a male surgeon.

When it comes to airline pilots, men (53%) are somewhat more likely than women (47%) to say they have no preference. Men (38%) are less likely than women (44%) to prefer a male pilot. Hispanics (53%) and blacks (49%) are more likely than whites (38%) to prefer that their pilot be male. Older Americans also are more likely to prefer a male pilot, women more so than men.

Gender differences play a role in preferences for a male or female family doctor, a traditionally male field that has been attracting growing numbers of females. Men are most likely to express no preference (46%), but a notable share prefers a male doctor (35%). Women split their votes between no preference (38%) and a female doctor (39%). Age also plays a role: Older Americans are more likely to prefer a man, while younger ones are more likely to prefer a woman.

The financial services and legal professions also are traditionally male, but increasingly populated by women. About half of Americans (48%) say they have no preference between a male or female banker or lawyer. This is especially true of whites, college-educated Americans and high-income respondents. People who live in the West also are most likely than Americans in other regions to have no preference for a male or female banker or lawyer. After "no preference," though, Americans' second choice for their banker would be a woman (36%), which is true for both male and female respondents. Younger people are more evenly split between expressing no preference and favoring a woman. Older people are somewhat more likely to prefer a man to a woman.

Some groups are more likely to prefer a woman to a man or to the no-preference option. They include blacks and Hispanics (47% of each favors a woman banker), as well as Americans who have not graduated high school or who are in the lowest income group. Notably, even Americans who say they believe women should return to their traditional roles say they prefer a woman (37%) to a man (23%) for their banker.

As for their lawyer, men (51%) are slightly more likely than women (46%) to express no preference. Men (28%) and women (30%) are about equally likely to prefer a male lawyer. Women (23%) are somewhat more likely than men (18%) to prefer a female lawyer.
There are racial differences in lawyer preference. Most whites (54%) say gender doesn't matter. Hispanics and blacks are more likely than whites to split their votes among men, women or no preference. A narrow majority of middle-aged Americans (30-49 and 50-64) say they have no preference, compared with four-in-ten of younger or older Americans. Younger and older Americans cast more of their votes for male lawyers than do middle-aged Americans.

In general, older Americans are most likely to prefer men in traditionally male jobs. Blacks and Hispanics are more likely than whites to favor men in some traditionally male jobs, but tilt toward women in others. College graduates are more likely than less-educated Americans to express no job preference for either gender.

There's very little difference between male and female survey respondents over which gender they would rather deal with in each profession tested. The lone exception to this pattern is the family doctor. Here, gender solidarity prevails. Female respondents express a preference for a woman doctor by a ratio of nearly two-to-one, while male respondents say they would prefer to deal with a male family doctor by a ratio of about two-to-one.

Find the methodology and topline questionaire at pewsocialtrends.org.

Notes

1 Men or Women: Who's the Better Leader?. Pew Research Center, August 25, 2008. 2 Revisiting the Mommy Wars: Politics, Gender and Parenthood. Pew Research Center, September 15, 2008. 3 Determining whether the man or the woman in a couple has the advantage was determined by subtracting the total number of areas in which the woman is the lead decision-maker from the number of areas in which the man makes most of the decisions. So if the respondent, for example, indicates that the man makes most of the decisions in two areas and the woman generally has final say in one area, the respondent's couple is coded as one in which the man makes one more decision than the woman. Couples in which the respondent indicates that the man makes most of the decisions in two areas but the woman makes the decisions in the other two are coded as equally dividing decision making, as each partner has the final say in two areas. Couples in which both partners have equal say in making all four decisions are also coded this way.

October 2008

2008-09-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the October Updates

The leaves have started changing, and many of us will be spending more time indoors as the cooler weather descends. This invites romantic evenings and opportunities for pampering and service.

Change brings opportunity… even the change of seasons. Seize the day.

Emily

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:

www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Dear Emily -

My husband first told me of his submissive nature about a year ago. He started doing wonderful, helpful things for me with no explanation which made me shake my head in curious amazement, but it was great. After two or three weeks of this he told me of his "stealth submission" (though he didn't call it that, as I recall) and explained to me some of his deep desires. At first I guess I was fairly resistant and, as many wives, feared this was solely about leather, chains, strange sex toys, role playing sessions, etc. He didn't pressure me too much, but occasionally practically begged me to do some role playing activities with which I was always extremely uncomfortable but tried to play along. Sometimes this was somewhat successful, sometimes it was not.

It was some time after that when he introduced me to AHF. I will say it was very helpful to me even though I have yet to grasp it all or make it work for me. Over the past year or so I've read your entire book, and have begun to read through all of the letters from the beginning. I think I've only read 18 months to two years, so I have quite a way to go. I've been reading straight through rather than skipping around, hoping to get the full picture, inspiration, understanding, a light bulb going on in my brain, something. Of course, some letters are more applicable to me than others, and usually after a reading session, I feel a little more confident and will make a fresh attempt to be the dominant wife he wants me to be. I understand the concept and the great benefits I could enjoy, and while it was new and foreign to me a few years ago, I've come to accept that this COULD work for us, although my attempts so far are weak and I can't seem to remain consistent for more than a few days.

As I see it, here are my basic problems or challenges:

1) I am very NOT dominant! I'm about the most compliant, easy to get along with, non-confrontational person you'd ever meet. This is true in all areas of my life, not just our marriage. Try as I might I can't seem to become more assertive at work OR at home. I fully realize more assertiveness would not only help in my marriage to a submissive guy, but in my job as well.

2) I have a deplorable lack of imagination which prevents me from comfortably inserting myself into any type of role playing, no matter how harmless and non-threatening. This makes it hard for me to even pretend to be dominant.

3) I have this nagging feeling that at the back of my husband's protestations that he just wants to serve me and please me, his overwhelming desire to submit to a dominant woman is making him try to coerce me into being something I'm simply not.

4) Oh, I almost forgot (which illustrates the problem!), it also seems I must be cursed with a very, very low libido as I rarely think of sex, while it's almost ALL my husband seems to think about. Or maybe I'm just a normal working mom of a young child who is exhausted most of the time.

The sad thing is, I do see it from his side too when we have real heart to heart talks, usually after a period of failed "dominance" attempts on my part. He just wants me to show SOME interest in making this work, some interest in him, in sex, in his performance - or non performance - of the tasks I give him to perform. As you have said so many times, a submissive man can go on submitting and serving for a while without the sexual stimulation, but it can't be maintained without the wife's role being formalized. As I said, I think I get the concept pretty clearly, I just can't seem to follow through with my end of the bargain.

No matter how many attempts I make to start fresh, I seem to quickly run into a roadblock of my own making and resulting from my extreme inhibitions. I only include my work related comments to show you that this is an overall personality trait of mine, it's not just that I'm resistant to the sexual nature of the D/s lifestyle. I realize it doesn't even have to be all about sex from my side of it, even if it is all about sex for him. Your little examples of things to say are mostly so innocuous I feel silly being reluctant to even use those lines spontaneously.

Well, I think that about covers it from my perspective. Is there any hope for me? Or is it simply impossible for some women? I hope to hear from you and will watch the new letters over the next few weeks in case you reply there only and not personally. In any event, thanks for listening. Even if nothing else, it's therapeutic to write this all down. I guess I'll go do some more letter reading while I have a little rare time left to myself this evening.

A wanna be,

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Please do not despair. Your motives seem clear to me. You love your husband and want to make this relationship work for him. Let’s turn this around and figure out to make it work for you. In doing so it will work for you both. Let’s also figure out how to do all this within your own comfort level, but still let him feel as though his submissive nature is given adequate expression.

Think back to when he first began his efforts at stealth submission; what worked for you then? Make a list of things that you want. What about his submission could possibly be good for you? You claim your libido is low, so maybe having him please you orally on a more frequent basis is not an adequate reward for you. How about massages? At least it is sensual if not sexual, and more so if you are both naked during the massages. You say you are incredibly busy. Fix this. Have him do more of your current chores. Find a reason to embrace his submission or you will have no motivation to move forward. When it all starts to click, the intimacy will grow and provide its own reward, but until it does, you need reasons to remain engaged.

Second, you are, like many women, uncomfortable with active displays of dominance in your relationship. I certainly do not advocate role playing as you mention in your letter. You owe him nothing in this regard. If it eventually becomes a rare treat that you bestow on him as a reward for exceptional behavior, that is fine, but only if you are both comfortable with it and take equal satisfaction from the activity.

Furthermore, if you are uncomfortable with ‘acting the part’ of the dominant wife, figure out somewhat more passive ways to control him. I have recommended some of these to other women in the past. Write him notes as a general means of communicating your instructions, and use your verbal commands more sparingly. Written communications, for whatever reason, are easier for many wives.

Also, make the work of communicating his responsibility as well. Every day at first, then perhaps weekly, have him send you an email journal. You can give him topic suggestions, or he can just write about his day and how he feels about you on that day. The trick is to get him in touch with his emotional and spiritual side. At the end of every note he writes you, have him suggest three things that he would like to do for you the next day. Choose the ones that appeal to you or reject them all and respond with requests of you own. You will at least have ongoing insight into his desires without having to drag them out of him. Be firm and demanding in these written communications. Again, your more commanding tone should be easier to achieve in email.

Finally, use a non-verbal cue for orgasm management or even requests for service. Perhaps you could just set out the foot lotion when you want a foot massage. Perhaps you can have a little token object you set out when you want ‘unselfish’ affection from him and another when he is allowed intercourse and ejaculation. The important thing is that you develop alternatives to the activities and communication styles that today seem like a poor fit to your personality.

If I have missed something, please email me again with more details. I very much want to help make this work. Your commitment and effort is absolutely admirable. And finally, I know you were not enthusiastic about having your letter published. I took extra steps to hide details of your situation, and I hope you do not mind too much that I shared it with others.

Letters from Men

Emily:

I have learned much from your site and book, and thank you and Ken for them.

I wanted to point you to a very interesting web site of a psychoanalyst with a lot of couples experience: http://www.psychnews.us/longterm_sex.html. Her name is Dr. Jean Hantman, and she makes a number of strong points that to me relate closely to your relationship ideas. For example, she sees three types of relationships (in which either man or woman can be found in either role): The "worst" she describes is one partner submitting to a partner who only wants control. This is not your model -- although Dr. Hantman presents in her discussion the dominant party as the woman, there is no loving in it, and submission is not an agreeable or rewarding state for the man.

Of more interest is what she calls the "hardest" relationship, where the overarching goal is equality of the parties. This relationship requires a lot of hard work by both parties to stay in balance and successful, and can easily go off the rails. This seems to be the predominant relationship model of our times, but has lots of disadvantages.

Her third relationship type she calls "the easiest." This is where one party willingly submits to the other. This works, Dr. Hantman says, if the dominant party is "nice and sane." Her examples here are a woman (who may well be smarter and more intuitive than the man) submitting to a man. She talks about how this can be difficult for a woman who believes in feminism, etc. Obviously, for a man to step forward to be submissive in the relationship has its difficulties too.

Elsewhere Dr. Hantman points out that the gender roles in her relationship discussions are interchangeable, although she does only discuss the woman submitting in her discussion of the "easiest" type of relationship. Your website and the success of couples following the AHF approach seems to be the missing discussion, the flip side. I would agree that it likely works better your way than the other way.

I was even more struck by Dr. Hantman 's points on the problems of long-term married sexual relationships. She says:

"When women get married they seem to expect that their husbands will be thrilled to get sex whenever she feels like ‘giving it’ to him. Most women don't have a clue how important the physical act of sex is to men. They look at their apparently reasonable, sane husbands, right track, not avant-garde, not eccentric, not living on the edge--husbands who are writers, truck drivers, psychologists, carpenters, businessmen, accountants, teachers, lawyers, etc.--and they imagine that this is correlated to their sexual fantasies. It's not. Most women have no idea what complicated, intricate erotic fantasies men have."

Later she points out that single women have a genuine, uninhibited sex drive that often is suppressed in a woman who has been long married, and that men often don't communicate their true desires to their wives:

"This is one of the reasons second marriages have the potential to succeed more than first marriages. The older man comes to realize how wild and how particular his [fantasies are], but he's comfortable about it, not ashamed. If he's willing to share this with the woman he's falling in love with, and if she is willing to have fun with it, they will have the most successful of all types of relationships.Uninhibited, unrepressed, shared, not kept a secret, wild and safe."

To me this is what is going on with men who introduce AHF ideas to their marriage. Their wives are shocked to learn of their husband’s deep seated desire to submit, yet they keep an open mind, which seems to be the single biggest barrier judging from the letters to your site. Women approached by their men seeking an AHF relationship who do get past the sense of "weirdness" can get to an acknowledged relationship that is the "easiest."

Anyway, I found Dr. Hantman's views -- based on a lot of experience with couples -- to be unconventional and refreshingly sensible, and quite consistent with things you have said over and over on this web site.

Mike in NH

Ken responds…

I absolutely loved your letter, and I went on to read the entire article to which you sent the link, as did Emily. I know that Emily sent an email to Dr. Hantman earlier this week, but she has not yet responded as of the time that this update is being published.

As Emily and I have written here before, the charade of shared authority in a relationship works for neither party, and on this point, we seem to be in perfect agreement with Dr. Hantman. It is good to hear an apparently credible source reinforcing this point.

-----

Dear Emily and Ken:

In the September letters, Pam wrote: "I also now see that managing your husband's orgasms is very important. Ididn't want to do it before because I enjoyed classic sex (I still do), but over the last several days I have become more comfortable with oral sex, and I can see how it can be very enjoyable too. Besides, if it helps the relationship, I am happy to have a little less classic sex and a little more oral sex."

As I proceed, please excuse me if I overstep your preference to avoid detailsor detailed accounts. It is not intentional.

I'm not certain of what Pam means by "classic sex." If she means penetration as we usually think about it, then I'm not sure why she has to have "a little less" in the interests of orgasm management. Part of my late wife'sapproach to orgasm management was to tell me that she wanted me to get in touch with my body, by which she meant that I was to understand myself well enough topause as close to orgasm as possible. In this way, she could have all the ‘classic sex’ that she wanted while still managing my orgasms. In fact, that's what she liked most about it: penetrative intercourse became first and foremost a matterof her satisfaction.

Were there "accidents"? Sure, and they had consequences until I learned toget in touch with my body well enough to know when to pause. I believe that my wife would have regarded this as a critical part of orgasm management had she been familiar with the term. I'm interested to know -- and I'll bet thatyour other readers are, too -- to what extent you see the husband's responsibilities in orgasm management.

Thanks for reading,

Unsigned

Ken responds…

I believe that the husband is intensely involved in the shared responsibility of orgasm management, even as I believe strongly that the wife is the final arbiter of when and if he is allowed to climax. The behavior you described between you and your wife is one good example. When a submissive man engages in any activity with his wife that might lead to his own orgasm, strong communication and excellent discipline are absolutely necessary to maintain her control of the situation.

Also, men are responsible for sharing their thoughts on orgasm management and how their current schedule is impacting the intensity of their submission. As wise and thoughtful as our wives are, they cannot always read our minds. Honest communication is important.

On a more basic note, men are responsible for abstaining when their wives are not around to ensure compliance. We have often danced around posting solutions to this problem online, and we continue to feel that for now, in this forum, we will simply advocate self-discipline. However, women who write us with a sincere request for additional help on this topic will always get a quick but informed reply

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Dear Emily,

Question: Is it possible to find a woman who would enjoy being in a Female Led/Wife Led relationship and who understands this part of my psyche or should I continue keeping my fantasy in my head?

My experience has been that most women are looking more for a dominant man. In my attempt to find advice from those who proclaim to have specific knowledge with Female Led relationships, all I find is that they want money and never give advice or never want to meet in person for counseling. In other words, they are trying to tap into the sexual high that people feel in the moment in order to get money. If this type of relationship is possible, how do you find it, and how do I identify these women?

I am a very athletic (run, bike, fly, lift weights), intelligent, financially (several homes, cars, retirement, no debt) stable guy. Well it is awkward to say, I do believe that I am attractive and have been told so by many women. I envision having a family and living a typical outward type of life (community service, raising children, and loving and adoring my wife). I've never married. Most relationships end relatively short. Most women I choose are very beautiful and intelligent and fall in love with me right away, until they sense something is different. They find me doing all the house chores and not being more aggressive physically. I've never broached the topic with them, primarily because when it comes to sex, I tend to be on the shy side.

Again is this type of relationship really possible for me?

George

Ken responds…

George, I do appreciate your writing us, but with all due respect, you sound a bit like a whiner. I accept your letter at face value, so I believe that you have everything going for you that a woman would desire in a man. You have no trouble getting women, but you say you are unwilling to bring this topic up with them because of your shyness.

Most women do not enter into relationship looking to control a submissive man. However, most loving, open-minded women will accept the submission of the man that they love, and properly informed, they will work to make a wife-led relationship a success for both parties.

Will you ever find the woman you seek? I do not know. What I do know is that you will never find her if you keep your secrets locked up inside of you.

-----

Dear Emily,

I am not sure how to go about solving our "problem". I am married to a beautiful woman for thirteen years. We are very happy together for the most part, but have some issues that need help. I stay at home, take care of our daughter, and go to school full-time. I also completely worship my wife. I do most of the laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc; although, I admit not very well at times. I've offered to learn how to do her pedicure, wash her car- anything. She has final say over finances and most things.

The funny thing is that she seems to like having control. However, she seems to have no interest in reinforcing that control with the verbal cues or the sexual behavior that you lay out on your site. I've tried giving her your book and she just dismisses it and says, "I already do make the decisions, and you do most of the work around the house."

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am willing to do anything, but she is not interested in even the most subtle version of AHF. I've expressed that I would rather her tell me to do things around the house than to ask me. It's all a joke to her. She likes making jokes about it, but would rather "nag" me than just tell me to do something with firm authority.

Maybe I want too much? And her lack of interest leaves me feeling very insecure. I don't know what to do. Please, any advice would be so appreciated. We have no sex life as she is not interested at all. We have discussions all the time about it. I believe I have tried everything

Thank you,

David

Ken responds…

You have tried everything to communicate your feelings, but perhaps you need help in articulating them in a way that works for her. Show her your simple letter as I have edited it above, and ask her again to read the book. Also, avoid the overtly sexual language which was abundant in the original version of your letter. This is first and foremost about greater intimacy between the two of you, and the sexual techniques we teach are a means to that intimacy.

Until she is given clear reasons that make sense in the context of her needs, she is unlikely to come around. Tell her how important it is to you, and I suspect she will make the necessary effort.

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Greetings Emily (and Ken),

I am one of those who has never had the courage to suggest a female-led relationship to my wife. The reasons are typical but ironic. Her reaction as a 50s born farm girl to something so far from her early concept of marriage is my greatest fear.

The irony is that she is also a 70s educated woman with strong feelings about equality for women and a chip on her shoulder about men who don't do their part. I believe she felt we were fairly equal in our domestic duties until the children were born, and she stayed home for a few years. We then seemed to slip into our parents’ role model for a while mostly out of convenience more than politics or ideology. When she returned to the workplace these habits brought out that old chip on the shoulder, except now it was directed at me. Understand that I've always cooked and cleaned and done laundry, but I also travel a lot on business, and if the bathroom needs cleaning she doesn't wait until Friday to get it done. I suppose it's easy for this to feel "same ol' same old" for her.

Much of our behavior, both in and out of the bedroom, seems on the verge of a female-centric relationship, but I just haven't been able to make an overt statement. Now with the kids finally away this fall, I'm reconsidering my strategy and would love to hear your suggestions.

Any thoughts from either you or Ken would be greatly appreciated.

Steven

Ken responds…

Why do so many men who write us want us to recommend a path to an AHF marriage other than what we suggest on our site? I could see if you had tried to give your wife the book, and she refused to read it, or if you tried unsuccessfully to talk to her about your feelings (like the letter above), why you might write seeking suggestions. You, however, have done neither.

Does your wife not love you dearly? Do you not have a lifetime of shared experiences bonding you together? Do you honestly think you – not the ideas, but you – will be rejected?

Overcome your fears and open up to your wife.

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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

September 2008

2008-09-02T07:51:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the September Updates

There was a letter in last month’s update where the wife in a newly minted AHF relationship summed up the impact of loving female authority by saying that it simply made her feel loved. I adore this sentiment, and think it is exactly the outcome that we expect. It might even make an appropriate motto for our site, if sites like ours should even have such things.

Ken had suggested to me that a better expression might be “I am loved”. I disagree. She feels loved not only because she is loved; she feels loved because he expresses his love for her. I think many women are loved by their husbands, but do not get enough validation to this effect. They may get a nice card on Valentines Day or a special dinner on their anniversary, but what does he do every day to let her know he loves her?

A woman whose husband respects her opinions, who works to please his wife, and who pampers her with foot massages and unselfish love-making… now that woman has few doubts. Women are very much creatures of our own emotions. When we can feel it, we know it is so.

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom).

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I am writing this letter for all of those women whose husbands have introduced them to your site, but remain doubtful as to whether the concept of a female led household would really work for them. I was also extremely reluctant when I first read through “Around Her Finger”. My husband can be a very stubborn man when it comes to his opinion on things. And because I am also naturally headstrong, we were constantly arguing on just about everything. So my first reaction to this was compete rejection of its premise.

But, as my husband pointed out to me, our relationship was already somewhat female lead. Although there was always a lot of loud debate, I did make most of the major decisions in our marriage. I have been leaving my husband weekly “honey do” lists since the day we were married. He eventually completes everything on the list, but not necessarily as quickly as I would like. And he has always been a very unselfish lover, making sure that I am completely satisfied each and every time.

Although this sounds like a pretty good marriage, there were other things about our relationship that were not so great. My husband is not the neatest person in the world. He is also a huge sports fan and an avid golfer. This may apply to eighty percent or more of all other married men, but my husband was obsessive. There is just not enough time in the week to watch all of the local teams’ games on TV and play 18 holes every weekend. This is all in addition to the time commitment of his high pressured, full time job. Something has to give, and it was usually the household, the kids, or me.

A few months after my husband showed me your site, I had gotten so fed up with his sports passion that I went back and read through it again, only this time it was on my own without him looking over my shoulder. And it was I who brought the subject back up, asking him if he was still interested in pursuing this type of relationship. When he said that he was, I asked him to tell me very specifically what he would want to get out of it, since it seemed like the only benefits from this dynamic would be to me, especially in regards to regulating his time.

My husband explained to me that his interest in this lifestyle was clearly from a sexual perspective. Although he did not expect any more sex then we have already had (which was probably more than most couples of our age), the knowledge of him being controlled by me, his sexual “goddess”, was a significant turn-on in itself for him. He was willing to give me this control, but he hoped that I would do three things in return:

Verbally acknowledge that I am the head of the household who makes final decisions, with constant reminders from me when appropriate;
Verbally acknowledge (as well as truly believe) that my body is irresistible to him;
Use this knowledge to my benefit (telling him what to do) and amusement (verbal teasing), as well as understanding that he gets extremely turned on as a result of me doing this, thus motivating me to keep doing it.

“OK, that’s weird”, I thought, but I was sure that I could do it. I told him we would try it for a month, but we would not discuss our perspectives on the experience until the month was up. I limited him to viewing one sports event per week, and playing golf just once a month. This was difficult for him, but he abided by my restrictions. I also wrote down a list for him of all of the things I expected him to be more orderly about.

Although I felt a little silly at first, I tried my best to comply with his three requests. However, sexually teasing him while telling him what to do started to become a natural thing for me. Realizing how much a turn on my body really was for him, I started demanding foot and back massages on a regular basis, and he has become quite good at it. These massages almost always lead to oral pleasure for me, which he has always loved to provide. My “honey do” lists became longer and more frequent, and I even added a time frame in which I expected him to complete each item. Now that he was not spending so much time with sports, he was able to complete just about every task within the allotted time.

The biggest change from this experiment was that the arguments that were once so common in out lives were now non-existent. I will ask him for his opinion on something, which he gives honestly. As in the past, I do not always agree with his perspective on things, so I let him know what my final decision is. And that’s the end of the debate. He does not appear the least upset at any of the decisions I make that he does not agree with. In fact, he sometimes will offer to help me implement these decisions once I make my mind up.

Needless to say, I was very happy with the changes in our marriage, and my husband confirmed after the month was over that he also enjoyed this new dynamic in our relationship. We have been practicing this lifestyle for almost two years, and I believe it was the best decision I've ever made. My husband also seems very happy with the way it has turned out.

One thing I wanted to convey to all you skeptical ladies out there is to just give it a try for a test period like I did. If it’s not for you, you’ll know it and you can move on to the same old thing, or something else. Also, don’t feel like you have to live your lives any differently. You don’t have to be “the boss” twenty-four-seven. Three or four days may go by in our life where you won’t know anything changed at all, so there is no pressure for you to “perform”. Also, if you like the way your husband makes certain decisions for you and/or your family, you can tell him to make those decisions. If you want him to sweep you off your feet and make passionate love to you, tell him to do just that. If he is like my husband, he’ll happily comply because it is what you want him to do.

Thank you, Emily, for the wonderful advice you have given to us.

Julie

Emily responds…

Julie, your account of how you successfully made loving female authority work in your marriage is one of the most straightforward and down-to-earth accounts that I have ever received. Your experience and wise counsel are the perfect summary for any woman on the fence about whether to move forward and how to do so.

Please accept my best wishes for continued success.

-----

Dear Emily,

My problem is solved!

About 3 weeks ago my husband told me that he wanted to go back to a marriage of equals because I had not taken control the way he expected after we agreed to try it last November. I answered that I would think about it but didn't know what to do. Last Friday he came back from work and told me that since I hadn't said anything, he considered us back to being equals. I didn't know what to say at first, but then I told him that I had made a decision and he would hear it later that night. I then told him to go wash my car, inside and out, while I eat my dinner. Then I told him to take a shower and come to see me in my bedroom. I said that he would not be having dinner that night. I don't know where this came from, but it's what I told him. I saw a flash of anger in his face, but then he just said "OK" and went outside.

After dinner I went to the bedroom, thinking what I would do. When he came upstairs, I told him to sit down and be quiet until I told him that he could speak. I told him that I am already the head of the relationship, and that I was not ready to change that. I told him that I expected him to obey me, show respect and always consider my wishes, not his. I said that his recent behavior had been selfish and that I would not permit that anymore. He would have to make up for that and reform his ways. I told him that from now on he would have chores every day after coming back from work, and that he would have a list the next day. I also told him that for the next two weeks he would come to my bedroom (I was careful to call it MY bedroom) every night at 9:30 after taking a shower to have sex with me, but he would not be allowed to penetrate me or to have an orgasm. I then told him that he could speak, and all he said was that he was sorry he had been selfish and that he would try to be a better husband!

On Saturday I gave him the list and so far he has been doing his chores as told.
I can see now that we should have had the conversation we had last Friday, and I should have given him a chore list at the beginning of the change in our relationship last year. I also now see that managing your husband’s orgasms is very important. I didn't want to do it before because I enjoyed classic sex (I still do), but over the last several days I have become more comfortable with oral sex, and I can see how it can be very enjoyable too. Besides, if it helps the relationship, I am happy to have a little less classic sex and a little more oral sex.

I wanted to share my experience with you because there may be other women out there that think that they have lost their chance to lead their marriages, as I did until last week. I want to tell them that you can take back your position as leader if you take the steps I did. Be bold and take charge!

Love,

Pam

Emily responds…

I love your story as it demonstrates how decisive action can turn around a relationship for the better in an instant. Maintain your firm authority in the home and both you and your husband will benefit for many years to come.

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Dear Emily,

I married shortly after finishing college and we were a typical couple in Spain. He was the main breadwinner and I took care of the house while he made all the important decisions (and some not so important). That first marriage lasted eight years before ending in divorce.

Not long after he divorced me, he married another woman. I see them fairly often because we live in the same area and have many common friends. I noticed that their relationship is very different from the one we had. She is clearly in charge and he seems to be happy doing everything she tells him to do. At first I thought it was because he loves her and didn't love me, but over time I started to think that maybe it's not that. I became interested in relationships led by women and after many crazy web sites, I found yours. I got your book through a friend in the United States, and your ideas made sense to me. I am now convinced that my mistake was to think that because it's socially accepted for men to take the lead in a marriage, that must also be what men want.

I married for the second time a little over two years ago, and from the beginning I have been the head of the household. Before we got married, when we started to get serious, I told my husband-to-be that if we got married I wanted to be the head of the household. We had a long conversation like the one you describe in your book and he agreed. He has never read your book, and as far as I know he doesn't even know that it exists. I don't know if I ever want to give it to him or not.

My personal experience and my observation of other couples here in Spain have convinced me that most if not all men want a woman to tell them what to do. Some have a hard time accepting it because of social convention, but I'm sure that deep inside that's what most men want.

I'm in a much happier marriage than my first one and I can tell that my husband is much happier than my ex ever was when he was married to me. It's never too late to find the way, but sometimes it's difficult to change your mindset, especially when you are going against what society accepts as "normal."

Laura in Spain

Emily responds…

It is wonderful to receive your letter and know that female authority is alive and well on the Iberian Peninsula. I believe your observations and even your generalizations are very true. Men are happiest when wrapped around the finger of the woman they love. If most women do not learn this early in life, then hopefully others, like you, will get their second chance at happiness.

Letters from Men

Ken,

I have searched the internet to try to find clues to make sense of my submission, but I'm only beginning to understand this aspect of my nature. I would often come across many sites, which don't appeal to me at all. As it is mentioned on the site, I was looking for an emotional "answer" more than trying to gratify a sexual urge. But I ramble...

Anyway, I'm still in college and not married, but I have a serious girlfriend, and marriage is a matter of "when" and not "if". We want to each set up our careers so we can have a stable future together. We want nothing more than to be with each other, but we're not looking to rush anything.

Sometime after we began dating I realized my submissive nature which your site helped me to understand. The only thing is that I'm not sure if she'd understand. I've done some "stealth submission" but it hasn't turned out too well; she just thinks I'm being cute and attentive. I want to know, should I wait or should I be more forthcoming? I have no problem with waiting until after we are married if that's best; any moment I spend with her is treasured so even if I'm not fully content, I'm still happy with our relationship. I'm just frightened that I might make her uncomfortable or even weaken our relationship if I time this poorly; scaring her away is unthinkable.

This will shock her. It is what I really want but in the end it ultimately comes down to her.

Unsigned

P.S. I'm not the best at writing letters. I tried to keep focussed, but my thoughts are going in so many directions right now...

Ken responds…

Your letter is excellent… I think there is no lack of focus or clarity as to your current challenges. You want to share a part of you that reflects your true self, but you are afraid she will reject it. In this you have something in common with most of the men that come to our site.

Do not underestimate her capacity to understand you. Well I do not know your fiancé, I do know that women in general are more capable of understanding our feelings than we are ourselves. As you grow in your relationship she will be able to guide you as Emily has been able to guide me. This, however, does not make it any easier to reveal your feelings.

I suggest you buy a copy of the New Bride’s Guide to Training Her Husband and leave it lying around your home. Tell her that a friend gave it to you… as a joke or otherwise… because he knew the two of you were getting serious. Tell her that you read it (it is a quick read), and that it really triggered something in you. Tell her to read it and see what she thinks. It will be the beginning to a lifetime of understanding.

You do not want to marry and agonize over this decision after you are fully committed to a life together.

-----

Emily and Ken:

I wanted to write and update you from my last letter in December. While our AHF relationship has not been acknowledged by my wife, I've been taking to heart the counsel found here. I've been giving it time and striving in general to take the focus off me and my wants more than ever.

As I have been more attentive, listening, affectionate and doing acts of service for her in subtle, quiet ways, she is responding. She’s more attentive to me as well and content to let me do for her whether its chores or intimacy, and I'm finding her more willing to make decisions of what she wants and choosing what we will do without checking with me first. There's some progress there.

It’s a slow process, and it isn't easy as the open acknowledgment of my submission is what I crave. In effect, though, whichever way she decides this to go, this her-centered caring is what is good for a more traditional marriage dynamic anyway.

Perhaps someday my wife will come to verbally accept the devotion I long to pledge her as a husband who will love, honor and obey her. For now, I am at peace with this and what I can do for her.

Thanks for what you do.

Roger

Ken responds…

Roger… please just tell her how you feel. Is there risk? Yes. However, you understand perfectly the potential rewards, and this should be enough.

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Dear Emily and Ken:

Firstly, to thank you for a really well thought out book Around Her Finger and its intelligent approach to modern marriage. My wife and I have been married for only four years, and we have just recently started to incorporate the Around Her Finger concepts into our relationship. It seems like a mutual fit to both our needs, so while I can claim to have started the effort, she is very supportive and appears to be enjoying it.

My last comment would be that it was challenging for someone originally not familiar with your Around Her Finger book to stumble on this wonderful approach. Maybe it falls on the community to develop more intercommunication between couples. Or maybe it should be a challenge to each couple to enlighten at least one additional couple...just a thought. Anyways, thank you again for your wonderful book.

Most Sincerely,

Michael

Ken responds…

Emily and I are really coming around to the notion that we could do more to spread the word on the virtues of loving female authority. Any suggestions would be very welcome.

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Dear Ken and Emily,

My wife told me to share this email that I sent her with you and your readers...

Dear Liz,

You asked me the other night, after you had your orgasm, if I like to be denied orgasm, and if I prefer it to having one. I have been thinking about your question and would like to explain to you how I feel about this.

The simple answer is that I prefer having an orgasm than not having one. However, when I think about the way our whole relationship and our sex life has changed since you took control of our marriage, the simple answer doesn't really apply. I agreed without any reservations that you will make all decisions involving us as a couple, so if you tell me I'm not having an orgasm, whatever your reasons, I will accept your decision. If it's right for you, it's right for us as a couple and therefore it's right for me.

You wanted to know how I feel when you deny me an orgasm. The moment you tell me, I feel a rush of excitement. The feeling that you have so much power over me excites me. Knowing I'm not having an orgasm makes me more excited than when you tell me I will have one, and much more excited than before, when I always counted on an orgasm when we first started to make love. Now I can't take an orgasm for granted, so it becomes a gift from you, which makes it so much more valuable. Also, once I know that I'm not having an orgasm that night, my pleasure becomes irrelevant. It becomes 100% about you and I can concentrate better in giving you as much pleasure as I can.

After you are satisfied and send me to sleep, I feel a little down, but I also feel proud of having done what you asked me to do. I go to sleep still aroused and can't sleep well. I can’t describe it, but is a pleasant feeling. Also, the next day I am still aroused and thoughts of you come back to me all the time. I can't wait to see you again.

I also want to tell you that since I started focusing on you first, regardless of whether I am permitted to have an orgasm or not, the whole sexual experience has changed for me. I enjoy the fact that we take more time in order to ensure that you are satisfied. If I don't have an orgasm every time, that's OK. The quality of our sex life and of the orgasms that I do have is much higher than before.

I know sometimes it's difficult for you to make the decisions and lead our marriage, and I thank you for taking the trouble and the responsibility to take control of our marriage.

Love,

Unsigned

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Ken responds….

What a wonderful email. That very question you address lingers on the minds of women, sometimes long after they have adopted our suggestions. Your letter does a perfect job of articulating an honest answer, and goes a step further, proving an ample description of the shared benefits of orgasm management to your loving wife.

Congratulations on a job very well done.

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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Welcome to the August Updates

2008-07-31T15:52:00.000-07:00

I tend to be ready for the autumn before the summer even ends, and this year is no exception. The warm days have kept me inside lately, and the flowers in my window boxes need watering twice a day to keep from wilting.

Let the passions of your own summer turn into courage and action before the long days leave us and the cooler weather arrives. For those men who still aspire to submission to their wives, take the leap of courage and make it happen for yourselves.

Before I close, I wanted to make all of our readers aware that we plan on taking a modest price increase for our books and CD’s sometime next month. There are some programs we want to try with search engine optimization, and we hope that additional dollars can help fund these programs. I mention it here now as fair warning to anyone who is on the fence about making a purchase in the immediate future.

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Dear Emily:

My husband has been suggesting that I write to you for some time. I am not sure my story is any different than most other women who write to you about their Around Her Finger marriages, but I told him I would write. We had been at this for some time before my husband showed me your site but I have enjoyed reading your ideas.

Like what I am sure was the case with the majority of women who write to you, I was shocked when my husband told me he wanted me to take the leadership role in our marriage. At the time we had been married thirteen years, had two beautiful daughters, he was a successful businessperson and I was a happy stay-at-home Mom. We had our share of arguments and disagreements over money, raising our children, and our sex life, but nothing unlike any of the rest of our friends. That is why I was so surprised when my husband talked to me.

At first I totally rejected my husband’s argument that this change would be the best thing for us. As he talked to me about the changes he wanted us to make in our marriage I could not understand how I was expected to become the head-of-the-house almost overnight. Neither could he explain to me how my regularly denying him an orgasm would ever work to improve our sex life.

I know I discouraged and frustrated him to no end as I dismissed everything he suggested. As disheartened as he was, he was persistent. Over the next several months he would talk to me about his ideas and whether or not I would at least try something different.

It is almost funny now but the first thing I agreed to do was control the TV remote. We decided that from a certain date on, I would decide what TV shows he and I watched. Most of the time he was very agreeable to me changing the channel to watch what I wanted but there were times, especially on Sunday afternoons, when I would switch to a romantic movie and force him to miss a football game. He grumbled, quietly, but he grumbled nonetheless.

Next I began to suggest he do more around the house. I boldly (for me at least it was bold) made out a daily housework schedule for him to follow. I listed the household chores I wanted him to do each day. Again he was generally very compliant but there were times when he did squawk about doing the laundry or cleaning a bathroom.

Next I had him begin to do some of the cooking during the week. He already cooked some but I insisted he cook dinner for the girls and I at least two times a week and at least once on the weekend. His cooking was pretty basic but he did try hard. He also grumbled at times about having to come home from a long day at work and then immediately start fixing dinner but I told him it was his idea and we would stop if he wanted.

The best part for me in this was experiencing the difference our relationship as I took more control over him. We have far fewer arguments. I noticed he had begun to ask my opinion about everything, and not act until I had told him what I would do.

Next, when I told him I was going to control our finances he did not blink an eye. I had him direct deposit his paycheck to a checking account I controlled. I was already paying the bills anyway but this way he had to ask me for spending money. He really did not like this but he accepted it. At about the same time I also told him that from then on, he was not free to play golf every Saturday with his buddies. I might let him play but he would always be required to ask my permission first. This was a real problem for him at first. He had to think up excuses why he could not play instead of admitting to his buddies that his wife had said no.

All this time my husband still talked to me about me being demanding in the bedroom. This was one area where I was more reluctant than any other aspect of our marriage to take charge.
Good girls just did not do this kind of thing. After almost twelve months of him doing the cooking and the housework and asking my permission to do things, I was finally ready to take control. I can remember the first time I told him no after he had orally satisfied me. We had already begun to have him satisfy me first before we had intercourse. That night however he was surprised when after he had satisfied me I told him I was ready to sleep. I was more surprised when he cuddled up against me and repeatedly told me how much in love with me he was.

I repeated this same routine for the next several nights. I would have him satisfy me then he would cuddle up against me as we fell asleep. Several days later when he began to get frustrated by not being allowed any release, I allowed him to masturbate while I looked on. I did not want to stop having intercourse at all but I did want to assert my authority. I told him that from then on, I was to always be satisfied first, and then I would decide what happened next. He was as happy as I had ever seen him.

That was over four years ago, five years ago since we began this change, and I am now firmly in charge of our marriage. I am the decision-maker, I totally control our finances, I decide what I will do and when, and even with whom. In the bedroom I rule. My orgasm is all that is important. My husband satisfies me almost nightly while I allow him release only every ten days or so. We still have intercourse but it is when I want it and how I want it. I am still a stay-at-home Mom but my husband does virtually all of the cooking and most of the housework.

I would encourage all married women to try this.

Sincerely,

Stacy

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Emily responds…

Your thinking certainly evolved over time, and to the benefit of both you and your husband. The transition for your new domestic roles in the marriage seemed to come easy. The rewards to you began to pile up one on top of the other. How could you not embrace these changes?

The sexual component, however, was more difficult. As you said, “good girls just did not do this sort of thing”. But you were bold and wise to adopt changes in this arena as well. This was the opportunity for the rewards to pile up one on top of the other for your husband. His loving devotion to your pleasure and his perfect knowledge that you control his own is his reward.

Continued good luck and wisdom for your path forward.

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Dear Emily,

I don’t’ know how to thank you for hosting this site. My husband showed it to me two months ago, and it has changed us (I hope) forever.

I can sum up my experience with three words: “I feel loved!”

Janet in Minneapolis

Emily responds…

You have said it all! And believe me, he feels loved as well.

Letters from Men

Ken,

I’ve read your blog for years, but I’ve never written. I’m a success story in that I bought my wife your book and after a lot of discussion and some trial and error, our relationship has really developed into the prototypical Around Her Finger marriage. I’m writing now to share what has been an unexpected outcome of this transition. This is not a complaint; it is merely a head-ups to other men that look to have what I now have.

For background, I should point out that while I have well-understood that I had submissive fantasies forever, I did not understand that I was in fact submissive. This is not a subtle distinction. The more I learned about male submission, in part from your site, the more I realized that I could not escape this. It would always be part of me and I would need to embrace it to be happy. However, because I met, fell in love with and married my wife before I had this personal epiphany, I had never considered her openness to this as part of my decision to make a life-long commitment to her. I loved her then for who she was, and honestly, if she had been closed to this, it would not have changed one bit the intense love I still have for her now.

However, that said, she was not the best candidate for becoming the alpha spouse in our relationship. She was very quiet, not at all aggressive or even outgoing, and arguably closer to submissive than dominant in terms of her personality at the time. However, she loved me as much as I love her so she was skeptical but open-minded. Following a boot camp period she openly accepted my submission to her. We have been living in a wife-led relationship for over eighteen months.

What I did not expect were the dramatic changes in my wife’s personality for which this was a catalyst. She has embraced a dominant role not only in our relationship, but it has carried over to other parts of her life. She is much more assertive (in a good way) with others, be they friends, acquaintances or strangers. She might have let others push her around a bit in the past, but definitely not now.

However, there are some other things that were just a bit unexpected. For example, when we are together with others, there can be little doubt that she is the one that wears the pants in our house. In fact she is very open with me about the fact that she likes demonstrating her authority with me in front of others. If there is a group of her female friends at the house, I am serving them drinks, ordered around, and generally treated like a (much loved) servant. In front of men she has a tendency to flirt, and again order me around a bit. She tells me that she knows that it excites me to let others have just a tiny peak into our own little secret, and to a great extent, this is true. However, it represents a pretty dramatic personality reversal for her compared to before all of this started.

I wonder if you find that this is typical of wives that adopt this sort of relationship. Do you expect that she will continue to evolve in this direction and what do you see as the possible implications of this?

Great thanks for your site,

Unsigned

Ken responds…

I spoke with Emily about your letter. It is hard to say that anything is really typical about AHF relationships, but what you describe as the growth in your wife’s self confidence is certainly not unique. Women use the strength that they gain in their relationship with their husband as a leaping off point to assertiveness and control in other parts of their lives.

As to where she might go, I would say wherever she wants. It is your role to nurture her strength just as it is her role to nurture your submission. Continue to obey her and accept her decisions with all the appropriate humility.

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Dear Ken,

Should there be limits as to what a husband is expected to do in order to obey and serve his wife?

Unsigned

Ken responds…

Yes, you are always bounded by your conscious and your moral framework, whatever its source. Beyond these basic constraints, there are no other limits. Communicate if necessary, but obey just the same.

This is why you enter into these relationships only with people you love, trust and with whom you share similar values.

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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Welcome to the July Updates

2008-06-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

Letters from Women

I'm 48 and my husband is 51, and we've been married for over twenty-four years. For years he was very controlling and wanted to be in charge, but gradually he changed and became more and more attentive to me. Little by little he took on more chores and listened to my opinions, eventually letting me make more and more decisions about various things. I used to nag a lot, but as he changed so did I. I all but stopped nagging, but on the other hand I seldom asked him to anything he didn't volunteer to do.

Several months ago, he came home with Around Her Finger and gave it to me. He told me he had read it and thought that following its advice would be very good for our relationship. When I read it my first reaction was that we already had a relationship much like what the book described and no changes were needed. After finishing the book, however, I realized that a big change was needed, not for my sake, but for his.

For starters, we had a conversation, and we formally agreed that I am now the head of the household. We agreed that he can give me his opinions and can even tell me when he disagrees with my decisions, but he also knows that my decisions are final and he must comply with them. Actually doing this was very difficult for me at first because my natural inclination was to defer to him, but over time I got used to it and I now feel it's working very well. I now make all the important decisions, regardless of how it affects my husband or how much money is involved. I give him tasks and he does everything I ask him to do. I can tell he is happy with this arrangement and so am I. I get a lot of benefits and I don’t feel guilty because he actually wants it to be this way.

One thing I don't like is denying him orgasms, so I do it only once in a while, when he slacks or his attitude towards me becomes less respectful than we agreed it should be. Sometimes I do it just to keep him on edge - funny as it may sound, he hates it and loves it at the same time. This I do mostly for him, because quite honestly I miss out as well when I deprive him.

Feeling more empowered has also made me feel more comfortable about dressing a little differently. I changed the way I dress to shorter skirts and lower-cut tops, especially when I go out with him. I have noticed that he seems to be a little more attentive to me – a little more submissive than normal - when he finds other men admiring me. At the beginning it made me uncomfortable, but I don't mind anymore.

I just wanted to share our story with you. I think the book's advice is very useful, maybe not for every couple, but certainly for some like us. We are definitely a happier couple and not bored at all after so many years of marriage.

Deborah (New York City)

Emily responds…

Congratulations on the success of your marriage, female-led and otherwise. I found your comments on thinking that you already were leading a relationship like this very interesting. You were very wise to note that the missing component was the open acknowledgement of your roles in the relationship.

If there are certain components of the relationship dynamic that you only want to use sparingly, this is just fine and in fact perfect for the two of you. Orgasm management is difficult to get right, and your sparing application of it seems to be at equilibrium with your mutual love/hate relationship with the practice.

As to your comment on his submission peaking following your new style of dress and increased attention from other men, I would say that this is incredibly typical. Attention from other men is demonstrable evidence of your sexual empowerment and often a trigger for deeply submissive thoughts.

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Dear Emily,

Brian and I have been married for almost six years. On our fifth anniversary he gave me a copy of Around Her Finger and asked me to take control of him and of the home. I was surprised that he would ask, but after reading the book, I decided to try it. We have been in a female-dominated marriage since then, and I love it! Brian does a lot around the house and never complains. In fact he seems to be always eager for more. As a rule, he always satisfies me in bed first, before I decide if I will allow him to get his release. Sometimes I tell him to kneel down while he does it and I really enjoy the feeling of power. It enhances my pleasure and lately I've been asking him to do it more often.

For our sixth anniversary, which is coming soon, I'm planning to tell him that I want to increase my control over him and that from now on he will have to ask for my permission to go out or to spend any money at all. I also plan to tell him that from then on he must always be on his knees when pleasuring me without my having to ask. Do you think this will work or am I risking it by going too far too quickly? I don't want to lose what I already have but if I can get more, I want it. Please give me your advice soon before our anniversary in mid-July.

Brenda in Florida

Emily responds…

If you enjoy having him on his knees when pleasing you, then by all means insist on it. I do not doubt for a moment that he will enjoy this as well, and I dare say you could go quite a bit further than that. I think the same is true for taking control of his going out or spending money. He will thank you for this as he knows you are a better judge of how to spend his time and money than he is. You will make decisions that are in your mutual best interest, and he knows this.

Congratulations on the ongoing success of your relationship.

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Dear Emily,

My husband dropped the bomb on me about one month ago. I think I have accepted most of the concepts willingly except I told him several times NO physical type punishment. I just don't get it, and it is a turn off for me. He still sends me emails with info on it as if he's trying to convince me it's okay. What do I do to get him to leave me alone about it before I up and say forget about everything? I'm tired of him making me feel guilty because he is deprived.

Other than this issue, everything is working out beautifully. I feel comfortable writing to you because any other site I've seen on this subject lumps a lot of behaviors together and your site leaves that to the individuals.

Thank you.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Physical “punishment” is not something we discuss on our site or in any of our books or CD’s. We believe that an open and ongoing acknowledgement of the wife’s authority combined with orgasm management are the fundamentals of a successful female-led relationship. Any other bells and whistles that a husband might request are entirely up to the wife’s discretion. You are entitled to consider his requests and then accept or dismiss them as you see fit. You are the head of household, you make the rules, and you set the guidelines… period, end of story. Get him stripped and kneeling in front of you tonight. In this humbled position, remind him of this fact and that you will not entertain any more discussion on the topic.

As a final note, it seems to me that given your husband’s repeated requests, that this “punishment” would be no punishment at all. If he really requires discipline beyond orgasm management, take away privileges. Do not allow him to watch his favorite television shows, go golfing with the boys, etc. Make sure that you are giving him the discipline with the end of making him a better husband and the relationship work better. It should not merely be to play into a fantasy role that he has imagined for you.

Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

At the beginning of this year, I gave my wife your book and CD. She ignored it for two months before I finally got up the nerve to ask her about it. She told me then that she was not interested. I felt defeated but not entirely rejected. I still had a beautiful wife and a great relationship; I just didn’t have the whole loving female authority thing coming together like I would have liked.

Well, last week was our anniversary. She surprised me when I got home from work by leaving me a note. It said to take off all of my clothes and come into the bedroom. She was waiting for me in a chair, and she was reading your book! She had me kneel in front of her, and she gave me what I really wanted for my anniversary which was a whole new outlook on our relationship. She made it very clear who would be in charge in the house going forward, and she also set the ground rules for how everything would work. There was a great deal of intimacy that followed, and it represented the first time ever that I had my orgasms “managed”. Wow, you are not kidding when you say it has a powerful impact on men’s mental state. I felt like I was on cloud nine, and I stayed up most of the night watching my beautiful wife as she slept.

Interestingly, she told me that once she realized I didn’t have to have LFA to be happy, it was much easier to embrace the concept. The quality of our relationship in the time between sharing the idea and her coming around to it really made the difference for her. She wanted to be loved for her own sake and not for playing a role that any woman could have filled.

Thanks from both me and my wife,

Terry in Pennsylvania

Ken responds…

This is an encouraging letter to any man who had come forward to his wife with his feelings but has not yet had her accept our concepts. Time is on your side, and Terry’s comments give us an interesting insight into why a waiting period might be necessary for many women.

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Dear Ken,

My wife and I have been active in an Around Her Finger-style relationship for the last two of our fifteen years of marriage. It began when I bought her your book and showed her your site. I would say that it worked very well at first, but then tailed off in terms of effectiveness as it was difficult to maintain the intensity of the submissive feeling over time. That is, anyway, until she really started experimenting more with the concept or orgasm management.

I think sometimes on your site you over-simplify the subtle ways with which a wife can practice orgasm management by reducing what really is a fine art to just basic metrics. For example, you talk some about the number of orgasms per week/month or percentage of times a husband is allowed release, etc. In our experience, what we have found to be most important is the level of intimacy combined with how close she can bring me to climax before pulling back. I’ll explain, and I hope this doesn’t go further than you like to get in terms of detail on your site.

My wife has a number of techniques for bringing me close to orgasm, but then not permitting it to continue all the way. Very often, but not always, she will begin by having me perform oral sex on her or bring her to orgasm through the use of a vibrating toy of some sort. Then, after she has experienced an orgasm she will allow me to have sex with her. Sometimes she will be on top, sometimes I will be on top, but always there is an understanding that I am to let her know when I am getting close. Then she will slow down and try to bring me as close as possible to orgasm while whispering to me something that reinforces her control over me. For example, she may tell me what she wants done the next day or maybe she’ll just tell me how much she loves the way that she is in control and I obey her. Then, when I am getting even closer, she has me pull out. Afterwards, she’ll have me rub and kiss her feet while we just talk and share our thoughts, and not just about sex, but about anything. We both find that this is an excellent way to make use of all of the emotional energy that comes from bringing me to the brink of orgasm and then stopping me.

On the rare occasion that she pushes it too far and I actually have an orgasm, she will then have me go down on her afterwards. Although some readers may find this a little odd, I know that she finds it incredibly intimate, and oddly enough I do as well. (I realize this may be too much for your site).

So I don’t write this letter to be critical, I just think there are additional dimensions to orgasm management that I think you and your readers should consider. They have certainly worked wonders for helping us take our relationship to the next level.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

While I usually let Ken respond to the letters from men, I wanted to personally respond to your letter. Your wife is a brilliant practitioner of LFA, and you are lucky to have her. Also, I am a fan of her suggestion of having you go down on her after your climax. I often have Ken do this for me, and I agree with your wife that it is incredibly intimate.

Interestingly, Ken says that he is turned on by the idea of doing this up to and until the moment at which he orgasms, then he loses interest. To me this is precisely the reason for making him do this. Women must remind their husbands that even after a climax, after their male hormone-charged brains have returned to normal, they are still expected to obey. Even though the sexual enthusiasm for intimacy is gone, the dynamic of loving female authority and the expectation of his obedience remains as strong as ever.

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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Welcome to the May/June Updates

2008-06-02T08:10:00.001-07:00

Welcome (back) to the updates.

I apologize to all of our loyal readers for the delay in this update. I am sure that many of you are aware that last month was the first month in the history of our site that we were not able to publish an update. Ken and I have been struggling with a personal issue, but rest assured that we are still committed to the site. We do appreciate all the kind emails of concern, and we regret that we could not even answer all of these.

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

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Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

For the last ten years I have worked as a professional dominatrix. I was initially attracted to the work purely for financial reasons, but I stuck with it because it became an incredible education on the human male mind, and I have been continually fascinated by what I have learned from my clients. I have now decided, however, to end my career and instead pursue a more mainstream existence with a boyfriend who recently proposed to me. Your website was a great influence on my decision, and will be a great influence on our marriage as well.

It probably comes as no surprise to you that most of my clients were married men. In recent years, and since discovering your site, I have always asked them why they did not just open up to their wives about their submission. Invariably they complained that “their wives would never understand” or “they are way too conservative” to consider anything like what they would do with me. Actually, the second comment might be true. The men that come to me typically request fantasy scenarios that probably go way beyond what a woman in a true female-led household would want to explore. However, in requesting these activities, I feel that they are trying to make up for something that is lacking in their lives. They would not want [these various types of intense activities] if they had true loving female authority at home. Several of my clients have told me so much.

I also disagree with their opinion that most of their wives would not understand. Of course I do not know these women, but I do know women in general. The women I know are appreciative of open, honest dialogue with the men in their lives. I would think that it is possible that they might have an initial negative reaction driven by surprise, but after considering the situation, especially with the help of websites like your own, I think most any woman would open to it.

One of my clients had been coming to me for about four years when I finally asked him why he never approached his wife about his submission. We discussed his version of the above two complaints at length. I told him about your site, and I asked him to check it out and email me his thoughts. To make a long story short, this ongoing dialogue with this man and his personal success in his own marriage represented the beginning of the end of my professional career. He ultimately shared his secrets with his wife, and she embraced a dominant role in the relationship. I saw this work for him and decided it was what I wanted as well.

The man I was dating at the time obviously knew that I was a dominatrix. He did not, however, express any interest in submitting to me. But when I took the initiative to show him your website, to my surprise, he indicated that it really appealed to him. He had zero interest in what he considered to be the phony sort of role playing that I do with my clients, but he also confessed that knowing I was capable of playing the dominant role was one of the things that attracted me to him. When I showed him an alternative approach it turned out that it was something that suited both of us.

Given my background, I would understand if you did not want to publish my letter, but I do hope that you will consider it. Genuine loving female authority is a far better alternative for a submissive man than trying to fill that void with secret escapades outside the marriage. I honestly believe that for most men this better option is within reach.

Take care,

K. in California

Emily responds…

I’ll certainly publish this letter. I think that our website might often give the false impression that the alternative to open and honest dialogue between spouses is simply not to act at all. I am afraid that the truth is that for many men the alternative is potentially self-destructive behavior in the form of internet pornography and escapades in the industry from which you are choosing to retire.

The sooner that men recognize the fact that the only true path to fulfilling their submission is in a loving relationship, the sooner they will find happiness. I agree with your assessment that most women would be more open to it than their husbands anticipate, and I wish more men would embrace that reality.

Best of luck to you in your upcoming marriage!

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Dear Emily,

I have a hard time believing that in 2008 there are women who would be closed to the idea of Loving Female Authority as a viable approach to a healthy relationship. I am not necessarily saying that it is right for everyone, but I do believe that it is right for most people, and I know it is certainly right for me and my husband. I believe many women could benefit from it if they only opened their minds.

What do you think the real motivation behind a woman’s reluctance might be? I have my own theories, but would love to hear your own.

Beth in Tennessee

Emily responds…

First, I wish you had shared your theories. The more input and opinion we can get, the better. But that said, I will certainly offer my own.

I think most women are unfamiliar with the concept of male submission. They underestimate how common it is, how intense an impulse it is in their mates, and how perfectly rational it is when they consider it on its own merits and not through the eyes of how society would perceive it. Also, without experiencing the very high level of emotional intimacy which it can create in a relationship, they underestimate what benefits it can provide.

All that said, most women do eventually open up to the idea, and with few exceptions, it is a blissful decision on their part.

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Letters from Men

Dear Emily,

We may be one of your few respondents from Norway. My wife and I have read, discussed and decided to go for your proposed concepts for changing the relationship after having read your book. We are both very exited - and find your advice very much resonating in both of us. We both would like to try out the "female head of household" concept - as two HOH’s in a home is one too many, and I think my wife is the better manager. Serving her and taking on much more of the domestic chores are only fair, and if I can be wrapped around her finger - that is all the better.

In your book there are a few passages mentioning "taking the relationship to the next level". Could you be a little more specific on that one - do you have any literature proposal or any clues as to what that might be? Yours sincerely,

T. in Norway

Ken responds…

We are often asked about this. The virtue of our site is that it remains an easy on-ramp for women learning about loving female authority for the first time. The downfall is that there are many topics of interest to some of our readers that just do not fit into that stated mission and purpose.

I suggest you explore the internet to see the full range of submissive expression and choose only those activities that seem appropriate to you. For most of our readers, the simple mutual acknowledgement of the husband and wife’s respective roles, with appropriate overt reminders and conscious orgasm management, seems to be enough to sustain happiness.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

A little more than a year ago I discovered your site and convinced myself that the relationship you advocate might be beneficial to our marriage. I also believed that your approach was something my wife might accept. As I wrote in a letter posted last May, I work hard to pamper my wife and show her how much I adore her. It would take some space to list the things I do routinely, just to make her life easier and to provide her with free time to pursue her interests (fitness and reading). And, honestly, I love it. And she has grown as a person. She now takes for granted that I'll do these things, and has become comfortable accepting the service I provide. This makes me very happy. But, of course we all know something is missing.

I need her open acknowledgment of her position in our marriage. On that front, I've made no progress whatsoever. Last year, in response to my letter, you suggested that I should give her your book and direct her to your website. Although I knew that this would be best, it took another 8 or 9 months to work up the courage to finally do so. Finally, I surprised myself one morning by telling her about your site and about your book. It just all came out during an easy Sunday morning conversation in bed. I hadn't planned it. I told her that I wanted her to read the book and give some serious thought to all of it. She agreed, and offered me a lot of encouragement about being so open and honest with her.

That conversation went so well, I was floating on air for days. A few days later, I finally did give it to her, accompanied with a letter explaining my feelings, and emphasizing that this was much more than a purely sexual need. I asked her to take her time, read the book, visit the site repeatedly and read the posted correspondence. I wanted her to have time to digest these ideas at her own speed, without my pressuring her. I was surprised by how relaxed and right I felt about sharing all of this with her. That was 10 weeks ago. When I gave her the book, she never acknowledged it, and she hasn't mentioned it or your site once in the time since. I haven't mentioned it to her because I promised I wouldn't bother her. However, after 10 weeks I'm growing impatient and, to be honest, a bit resentful that something obviously so important to me doesn't rank some effort on her part to overcome her natural reluctance to discuss it with me.

I'm confident that if I force the discussion, I won't like the outcome. On the other hand, she's so reserved about anything remotely sexual in nature, that I worry she may never bring herself to discuss the matter with me. I guess the former situation is better than the later, because at least some closure is reached, even if the outcome isn't as I might have liked. I should note that during these weeks, our relationship has been great. I don't detect any negativity on her part in this direction - just an indifference or lack of acknowledgment. Maybe she's burying her head in the sand, so to speak. In the meantime, I continue to enjoy pampering her.

So, have you known of women so reticent to discuss this topic with their husband? Am I wrong to expect my wife to talk with me about this, just because it's important to me? Should I just continue to wait? Should I gently remind her of the book while assuring her that we can talk when she's ready?

Thanks for your great resource.

Unsigned in Ohio

Ken responds…

I enjoyed reading your recent letter as I did your first. You are clearly a thoughtful man, in love with your wife, and committed to the successful development of your relationship.

I would say that your wife’s delayed response is not unusual. As you say, this is not an easy subject to discuss for most women, and I am certain that her lack of dialogue on the topic does not suggest a lack of deep thought. I recommend a slightly different approach. Because she may feel more comfortable expressing herself in writing than in dialogue, I suggest you write her a thoughtful email sharing many of the same sentiments you shared with me. Perhaps you can even include this email in the one you send her. This allows her to be reminded of how important this is to you, yet it gives her the space to choose her words carefully and plot an approach to moving forward.

In this email I suggest that you be very clear about what you want from her. If you want to begin with a two week trial period, then be specific in your email. Describe actual activities and behaviors that you would like her to employ during those two weeks. Tell her you expect that she will manage your orgasms and that an open and straightforward expression of her authority on her part is crucial to the success of the trial period. Whatever you do, do not beat around the bush. This is your opportunity to really ask for her to take the first steps. If she does or does not is her prerogative, as will be everything from here on out, but you have the responsibility to make your desires crystal clear. Help pull her out of her shell.

You have a perfect opportunity. Please let us know how it goes.

-----

Dear Emily,

I am involved in a wife-led marriage after nervously giving my wife your book about two years ago. And as with any "new" relationship, we have had our ups and downs. Last night my wife asked me if I wanted to orgasm. She didn't ask me as a test or to get into my head. I know this because when I requested that she not "ask" me, she said that she doesn't want to be bossy or bitchy. We discussed this and I tried to explain that I certainly don't see her that way. I told her that it is her prerogatives to determine when and if I am allowed to orgasm and that she should have some "fun" with it and be playful. Despite my reassurances I'm still concerned that she'll struggle with this aspect of a WLM.

Can you please respond with some words of wisdom? Thanks for you help.Sincerely,

Unsigned

Ken responds…

Go back and explain to her the value of orgasm management and why her control of it is so important to making this dynamic work for both of you. Women consistently underestimate the impact that withholding a man’s orgasm has on brain chemistry. Explain that it is not a burden for you to have her in control, but a joy. As with the above response, consider sending her an email which often provides for a more relaxed means of communication for difficult topics.

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Dear Emily,

I recently discovered your excellent website dedicated to female-led relationships. I found it fascinating and most informative. For quite a number of years now I have been interested in living within a female dominated home environment. Although happily married, in a very good relationship, I would feel much happier if I was openly submissive to my wife.

I am lucky in being married to a very dominant woman who is highly educated and very successful in her professional life. My wife has always made most of the decisions of importance in our relationship. She is a natural leader whereas my natural inclinations are in the direction of doing as I am told. I am trying to work up the courage to explain fully to my wife exactly how I feel and to draw her attention to your site. I intend to purchase your CD and book and thought that this would be the way to go.

Her control over me at the moment is based largely on the strength of her personality and character. She does, however, exert pretty firm control. To give you an example of this, we recently accepted an invitation to a friend’s dinner party, I don’t normally go to dinner parties but on this occasion my wife said that I should go. Five people turned up, all women, plus the host, Kath. The party went very well, but I had two or three glasses of wine. I am not used to drinking and due to this accidentally made a very rude remark to my wife in full hearing of everyone. My wife was most upset and there was a very embarrassing silence for several minutes. I managed to smooth things over but driving back in the car it was obvious that my wife was very cross. She admonished me very severely and told me that under no circumstances was that ever to happen again. I agreed that it would not. Then my wife added that I was going to apologize to Kath. She said something like, “you will apologize in person in full view of her and not on the phone.” A few days later I was taken round to the house and made to give a very full apology to Kath. . I was told exactly what to say by my wife. I have to say I think I deserved everything I got and I learnt my lesson.

Since the above incident relations have improved. My wife is very busy with her work and because of this I have taken over most of the household chores. I am cooking all the meals from Monday to Friday, with my wife taking over for the weekend. I am also doing, vacuuming, cleaning, laundry, bed making and ironing. I am learning as I go along and am getting better at all my tasks. Obviously it would be great if my wife was familiar with your website and I am hoping that once this is so, she will have even a greater level of comfort with exerting her authority. Some of the methods of control really appeal to me. I would very much like her to take over control of my orgasms, in the way you have suggested and I would like to be made to abstain until a point at which she decides to give me relief.

I am happy with the general situation but what I really want is to take the next step.
Sorry to have gone on a bit but finding your site and reading the updates has really helped a great deal. I will, of course, keep you in touch as to our progress. I would be grateful of any suggestions you might like to make about any of the above.

Steve

Ken responds…

Sounds like you have an excellent situation on your hands. Your wife has no misgivings about her role in the relationship and enforcing her authority over you. Now all you await is open acknowledgement of that reality. I suggest you give her the books and CD’s as quickly as possible, as I believe she will take to the ideas very quickly.

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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Welcome to the April Updates

2008-04-04T08:47:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the April Updates

Someone wrote recently and asked what keeps us going with these updates every month. The secret to our commitment lies in our ever growing collection of success stories. Ken and I both know and appreciate the value of a wife-led household, and we will be around with this updates page as long as we believe we can nurture that dynamic in the relationships of those men and women who aspire to make it work for them.

I wanted to make a quick comment regarding a mention of our site on another LFA advocate’s blog. This woman, no doubt with our best interests in mind, suggested that her readers use our Google toolbar to do a search for a particular commercially available item, and that this search would actually yield a secret site when performed from our Google toolbar (and our’s alone). As far as I know, this was not the case. However, more importantly, this sort of suggestion violates Google’s policies of intentionally funneling traffic through our toolbar. I only learned about this when we saw a very significant increase in our Google traffic revenue and did some investigating. Therefore, while we love the support, please no special favors.

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Emily,

I’m a college student in a very large school in the Midwest. I want you to know that many of my female friends are big fans of your site, and it is fairly well known here at my school, at least in my circle.

I personally practice your methods with my boyfriend, and I am sure it is no surprise to you that he loves it. While I made him aware of the site, it was him that told me he wanted to try it, and not just play around with it, but really live it. I really do think the only downside is that since we are both still young and our futures are uncertain, so if I don’t continue dating him, he will probably never be happy unless he finds another woman that can have a similar relationship with him. I now also know for a fact that this is also what I want in any future relationships, but I don’t worry a bit about myself, as I think finding men that prefer a female-first relationship will never be a problem. I believe that this is what most introspective, emotionally mature men want. But for men, finding a woman open to these ideas may not be as easy. I think it is getting better, but still, women have the easier time of it.

I am writing because I have noticed that one of my friends has distorted your message (in my opinion). While her and her boyfriend practice “female authority”, she seems to miss the part about “loving”. For example, she will often tell him to stay at home while we all go out, telling him to do her laundry or clean her apartment instead. Then, when we are out, she will hook up with other guys and later openly flaunt it to her boyfriend. This has happened more than once and he continues to not only put up with it, but to thrive on it. She says she is in control in the relationship, and it is her right to do whatever she wants.

Do you feel that female power sometimes seems like more than just a strategy for relationship success, but that it is actually addicting to the men involved in these relationships, even if it seems destructive in the long run? Is my friend wrong if, as she says, everyone is ok with the arrangement?

Unsigned in Ohio

Emily responds…

I actually get a lot of letters that refer to female intimacy outside the relationship, and almost never print them. When I do, I’m often criticized for doing so. In your case, I think you have couched this is simple terms, and you deserve a simple answer.

I believe that your instincts are correct. I believe that your friend is abusing the situation with her boyfriend. While I do not know the two people you mention, you paint a picture that does not appear to be a loving, mature relationship. If her boyfriend is having his submissive impulses satisfied for the first time, it may indeed be sexually and psychologically compelling to him to endure the intense sense of humility that her behavior no doubt elicits. However, is it really what is best for the relationship? Is she really nurturing intimacy in the relationship by her actions? I cannot say for certain, but I doubt it.

Strong female-led relationships are built on mutual respect, trust and above all love. Whether in a female-led relationship or in a traditional relationship, love is still two people who are selflessly committed to each other.

Kudos to you for taking positive steps towards enriching your lifelong relationships. I suggest your friend take a step back and re-evaluate her motives.

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Letters from Men

Dear Ken & Emily,

I am a submissive married man at my wits end. I discovered my submissive nature many years ago and have tried over and over to suppress it. I tried using stealth submission to my wife, but soon realized it was unfulfilling. So I went to the internet and found another site offering advice and ended up revealing my desires to my wife. She wasn't too happy about it but decided to try it.

At first I was in heaven as I proceeded to wait on her hand and foot. She also seemed to like the new arrangement. But I got carried away with my selfish desires and tried to get her to perform more extreme activities on me. She became upset with it all and told me she no longer was interested in any form of a female-led marriage. I became embarrassed and withdrawn; she has become cold and distant. We have been like this for two years now. I fear for our marriage the way things are going. I truly wish I had found your web site before I approached my wife. I think if I handled things different that we could have a female led marriage by now. I don't think I’ll ever be happy in any other way, as I can't seam to ignore my submissive nature.

Do you think it’s too late to give my wife your CD as she already knows how I feel? If I could have another chance at this and do it right this time, I think I could make her so happy. I just don't know how to go about bringing it up with her again. If you could give me any advice, I would so much appreciate it.

Your website is the only one i will go on anymore as I believe it is the best advice for submissive guys like me. If I only would have known about it a few years ago.

Mike in Buffalo

Ken responds…

First, thank you for your kind words about our site, but give yourself some credit. You took the bold initiative on your own, and having had a set back, you are still committed to moving forward.

I would reset my objectives before you do anything. I would tell your wife that you have no intention of asking her to change anything, but that you only want an opportunity to better explain your prior requests and put them in some context. I would then give her the book or CD in an attempt to create mutual understanding between the two of you. This shared understanding should be your priority… period.

If she can accept that your desire to serve her is motivated first and foremost by your desire to become closer to her, then this will represent a new foundation for strengthening your relationship and perhaps an entry point into rewarding and meaningful submission to your wife.

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Emily/Ken: I read your posting of my letter on your website, I appreciate your response, and I am thankful for your stated position regarding unwilling men. You have labeled my thoughts "misinterpretation", which is entirely possible, but please allow me to point to the area from which my "misinterpretation" stems.

In your August 2005 response to Mary Beth in Atlanta, you are responding to your reader's inquiry about how to initiate male submission with her husband, as opposed to the larger majority of inquiries you receive regarding men persuading their wives or girlfriends to become dominant. Emily counsels the woman to manipulate her husband sexually to begin to make him more submissive. This counsel does not inquire as to whether the husband is truly submissive or not, which I would think would be the first step in going down that path. If the husband is not submissive, surely the wife's attempts to move him in that direction will fail. Of course, the point is made that most men will submit to their wives if their wives manipulate them skillfully and patiently enough. Furthermore, the counsel to the wife is to withhold intimate relations as a means to bring the husband to heel. This is to the point of what I am replying back to you about; this sounds more like a gradual manipulation of an, at least, unsuspecting husband, if not an unwilling one.

In other areas of your counsel, you are very strongly in favor of clear and concise communication between the couple regarding the wife's domination and the husband's submission. Why wouldn't you counsel Mary Beth to be open and honest with her husband about the type of relationship she desires, instead of suggesting she clandestinely manipulate him thru sex and the withholding of it in order to attempt to make him submissive?
Additionally, you did not address what I felt was the central point of my letter, and that is the "absolute power corrupts absolutely" point. I feel that anyone who is able to exercise complete control over another adult human being has too much power, no matter how much they love them or claim to love them. This condition can only lead to abuses of power and an addictive increase in the need for control on the part of the dominating spouse (this would be true for either sex).

I have enjoyed our communication and wish the both of you well. Our disagreement does nothing to dampen my respect for you both, and I hope we can remain friendly and on cordial terms. Have a great weekend.

Tim

Emily responds…

Tim…touché. In re-reading my August 2005 response, I agree with you. I should have counseled open and honest communication between Mary Beth and her husband. A strategy of manipulation prior to communication is, as you say, not in the spirit of my philosophy. I suppose I was so taken by a letter from a woman wanting to be the one to take the first step, that I allowed myself to get carried away.

As to your latter point, we will have to agree to disagree. If built upon a foundation of trust, a man’s submission to his wife is no open invitation to corrupt anyone or anything absolutely. Even in a traditional relationship, both spouses have incredible power to impact the happiness of each other, and a loving wife or husband must be completely devoted to the other’s happiness in order to foster a healthy relationship. This is absolute power whether they appreciate it or not.

Kind regards and much, much thanks for your well-considered and well-written letter.

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Ken,

My wife of almost 17 years and I are in the early months (three maybe) of our female led marriage. My wife wants this to work, yet doesn't see any need to formalize our arrangement. If I make suggestions concerning exercising her authority she feels inadequate or incapable. I certainly do not want her to feel inadequate so I try to keep my concerns to myself. She just isn't very self assertive.

She has a job that would greatly benefit from her ability to project authority. I see flashes of it particularly in her tone with our eight year old, but she can't seem to make the leap to commanding respect from others. I came at this whole concept with the hope that it would give her "permission to practice" on me so she might gain more confidence in herself. We have had very frank discussions about this and she desires to be more assertive, but she professes that she doesn't know how. Also, she has a hard time accepting that LFA is what I truly desire. It’s like it just doesn't make sense to her. She read the first 70 pages of your book when we first began but hasn't seen fit to sit down and finish it, or to read the monthly advice in your letters column.

I'm delighted that she wants this relationship dynamic (or says she does), but could it be that she may just not be cut out for it? I will endeavor to submit even when its not particularly motivated by her, but in truth I don't think it will work long term without her more direct involvement.

I know you must get a lot of mail and probably much of it with similar concerns but I hope you will be able to find the time to respond. We both hope this will work out.

Al in Texas

Ken responds…

I feel for you. Do not, however, question your wife’s capacity to grow into a more confident, assertive woman. She can be anything she wants to be. Instead, seek to understand her reluctance to make these changes and provide comfortable paths to growth -- on her schedule -- and in the context of what she wants to accomplish.

I would argue that this begins with either reading the (entire) book or listening to the CD. The CD is often an easier barrier to get over than the book. If you are really sure she wants this, then this should be no issue. Just ask yourself if she truly wants it, or if you just want to believe that she does. Either way, it will take ongoing dialogue and demonstrable service on your part to convince her of the merits of this path.

Finally, take note that our website, books and CD do not parallel your earlier approach of coming to this from the perspective of using LFA as a mean to “foster assertiveness”. We come to this as a means of fostering communication and intimacy… which is radically different than what you described as the virtues of LFA.

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Dear Ken,

I introduced my Wife to Your website several months ago. She is interested in pursuing this dynamic in our relationship and would love to participate in a training seminar to explore how the ideas you discuss can be incorporated into our relationship. Having searched your site multiple times, I recall that at one point, you did discuss holding such a seminar. Do you plan to hold any seminars in the future? If so, how can we make arrangements to attend?

Thanks,

Jim

Ken responds…

Jim, we did have a couples retreat once before. While we enjoyed it, and we have kept in touch with all of the couples since, it took quite a bit of planning and represented some risk (principally privacy risk) on our part.

So, while the event was a success, we are holding off until we initiate a new event. Stay tuned, as this is subject to change in the future.

Welcome to the March Updates

2008-03-06T04:07:00.000-08:00

Spring is in the air… well, at least where we live, it’s not quite in the air, but hopefully it will be soon. Some of you may know that the FSG study closed to new respondents, and they did a very quick release of some high-level results. We hope to have some exclusive data releases ready in for our pages in the near term. Any data released on our page will deal expressly with topics of concern to our readers and will be consistent in tone and message with our stated mission.

Last month we promised an Around Her Finger t-shirt to the letter that detailed the best example of opening up to one’s spouse on Valentines Day. We actually are calling the contest a tie, and will be sending a t-shirt to the two Valentine letters that we are publishing this month that relate Valentine’s Day success stories that we can all celebrate.

As always, we invite letters and feedback. Contact me at:

Emily (dot) Addison (at) gmail.com

Our books and CD’s are available for purchase at:

www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

Emily:

Perhaps this is questionable timing, and without specifics it may be a question you cannot answer, but I would love to read your thoughts on how to discipline a disobedient husband. What would you do ...specifically ... if you believed your husband purposely disobeyed you? What if he disobeyed you in public? How, and when, would you correct him?

Unsigned

Emily responds….

Every female led relationship exists with the consent of the man, that is a given. Readers of this site also know that virtually every female led relationship exists at the request of the man. Therefore, when I hear stories of willful, public disobedience, one word comes to mind… manipulation.

Slacking off is one thing. Disobedience that arises out of frustration is yet another. However, in my mind I see absolutely no excuse for the type of behavior that you describe. I would counsel prolonged orgasm management, a formal written apology…perhaps a journal of reflection done over a period of day or weeks, and the elimination of certain desirable privaleges such as golf, free time, or whatever is valued by the offending husband.

I would absolutely not allow the behavior to trigger any sort of behavior that a submissive husband consciously or unconscious deems desirable.

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Dear Emily,

I am a Valentine’s Day success story! Believe it or not, I knew my husband was interested in this for at least six months. The auto-complete function in Google gave him away. I didn’t say anything or give any hints that I knew much about it, but when he gave me your book on Valentine’s Day, I told him then that I had known for months.

We came to a beautiful understanding about his submission and my expectations. Honestly, I cannot imagine why any women would be apprehensive about at least trying this. After all, it is what he wants. I am sure you got quite a few Valentine’s Day letters, but I’ll take a woman’s small if mine wins!

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Congratulations. You should have received the t-shirt by the time that this letter is published.

Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

This Valentines Day I finally pulled the trigger. I wrote her a note that expressed my feelings, and I gave her the book. She sort of looked at me like I was crazy at first, but she promised she would read the book and let me know.

It turns out that I was completely wrong to have agonized over this for as long as I did. She said that as far as she was concerned, she was already in charge in our marriage, and if I wanted to formalize that, she had no problem with it. I told her that I believed that what you have preached over and over is true. If she doesn’t formalize it, then it doesn’t exist at all.

Now that she knows I am to obey her, and she knows she is in charge, and it is a whole new world. I love LFA and I thank you and Emily for helping me make it a reality.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

I have received your address and the t-shirt is on the way! You have a much to look forward to as you grow together in your relationship.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

My Wife and I have been in a Female led Relationship for over 2 years now and both of us have never been happier. However, an issue has come up for me and I would like your advice on it.

Recently my parents had come to stay in our home for a few days over the winter. One morning my mother and father and I were in the kitchen while my wife was in the bathroom which is close by. She was putting on make-up and getting ready to go out for the morning and she said something like this to me:

"Dan I need you to go get my car warmed up for me. Actually I also need you to take it and get gas in it for me. While you are there I want get me a cup of hot choclate.T hank you."

I sinply replied "OK" and went to get my coat. My wife was very non-chalant in her tone (albiet a little expectant), but my mom quicky confronted me about what had just occurred. She said in a hushed voice so my wife would not hear "Does she boss you around like that all the time?" My father nodded his head in agreement. I responded that it was no big deal and that I was sure I had said things in that fashion to her too (which really is not true but moving right along). Anyway my mom simply nodded her head but had a frown on her face and I could tell she didn't like seeing her son being bossed around.

I have not told my wife about this. I don't know whether I should tell her and see if she thought she should be more careful around my parents, or simply hope the subject does not come up again. I am afraid revealing this could hurt my wife's feelings. Conversly, I am wondering whether i shouldn't step a little out of the closet and give them a very G rated explanation of my our marriage being a "Female led Relationship?" My parents are in their 60's and I know this would freak them out as they both are of a very traditional, patriarchal mindset. I really don't think I have the guts to do that but would be curious as to any advice you would have.

Thank you in advance for considering my question and thank you for your wonderful site.

Dan in Missouri

Ken responds...

I am grateful that you think enough of us to ask our advice on this delicate family matter. As a rule, Emily and I do not recommend that couples bring those around them into the details or even high-level principles of loving female authority. A man should be respectful and polite to his wife in public, but nothing is typically gained by revealing the female-led nature of the relationship to others.

Emily and I have discussed this, and we do not think your wife crossed the line. She obviously came close enough to it to elicit the response that she did from your parents, but generations can expect to clash when traditions (like patriarchal marriages) show signs of fading. Archie Bunker and Meathead found plenty causes for conflict, and their relationship was a far cry from LFA.

I definately think you should let your wife know about this. I suspect she would share your sensitivity to your parent's reaction, and she should be aware of the incident so she can make informed choices about how much she wants to let them know.

Really, a husband should always look to his wife as the first source of counsel on any issue or concern.

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Hi Emily/Ken,

Here is an interesting article presenting the fact that sex and the level of male involvement in household chores have a distinct connection. The link was in our newspaper, so you can search "choreplay ottawa citizen" in Google and you'll see it. Just an interesting story that supports your philosophy that I thought you might enjoy.

Great website and literature/advice you both have.

Regards,

Mac in Ottawa

Ken responds...

Thanks for the link. The article is indeed interesting, but the housework/sex connection is certainly not a surprise to anyone that reads our site regularly. Perhaps if the article talked about actively managing orgasms to create intimacy and not just a sense of shared household duties, it would have really hit home.

Any men on the lookout for "safe" openings to initiate a conversation about female led relationships would do well to send a link to the article to their wife or girlfriend.

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Dear Ken,

Your site and others like it trouble me. Your site is downright genteel in comparison to some of your contemporaries, and that is even more troubling. You seem to prescribe this lifestyle to all couples, married and otherwise. In other words, you seem to think that women were destined to rule and control men and command them with impunity. If your site advocated this lifestyle for those who freely choose it, that would be one thing, but to attempt to justify the notion that all men, at least married ones, should serve women at their beck and call in every facet of life is disturbing, particularly to someone like myself who cannot fathom the motivation of someone who would choose to live their life that way.

Free will is something that all men and women were endowed with, and few would argue that it is the natural right of every man and woman. What you advocate is the surrender of that natural right by married men to their wives. And you also hold that this power-exchange, although in a mild form, is the way to true happiness for married couples. I would suggest to you that someone who has given up his right to free will is a fragmented person, not whole, and not natural. That person is in a state of subjugation, and even if it is the state they desire and enjoy, it is not beneficial in the long run for them, and does not foster them reaching their full potential as a human being. And all for the right to be married to someone who accepts this submission. I find that to be a cruel and unusual contradiction.

Tim

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Ken responds….

There is a long way between loving female authority and abdicating free will. Our site serves a very large community of men that seek to serve women because they know that it will make them more complete men and that their service will intensify the emotional and physical intimacy of their existing relationship. They do not abdicate their free will. Their voluntary submission is in fact an expression of their freedom. Even if women introduce this dynamic into their relationship, it can only work if the man is a willing participant.

Of course we do not advocate that women enslave unwilling men. That would offend me as well as it would most all of our readers. What we do advocate is that men that truly desire to serve their wives let them know that this is their wish. In turn, we want women to understand and embrace the gift of submission when men approach them with these honest and heartfelt feelings.

Really, as I see it, there is no gray area here. There is very definitely a hard line between what we actually counsel and your misinterpretation of our philosophy.

February 2008 Updates

2008-01-31T00:11:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the February Updates

February is our favorite month. What other month gives husbands the opportunity to fill a lovely Hallmark card with an open discussion of love and relationships? We have a free Around Her Finger t-shirt (available for purchase for your valentine here) for the most creative "confessional valentine" that anyone wants to share with us.

We have received many positive responses to our becoming involved in the FSG Charter Survey. If anyone would still like to participate in the survey, data collection still remains open. Just email me with your interest in taking the fifteen minute survey, and we will email you a link and password. Also, please email me with any questions, success stories, or comments about our site.

Emily (dot) Addison (at) gmail.com

Our books and CD’s are available for purchase at:

http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger

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Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I am really hoping for your advice, since I really have no one to talk to about this. I have read through almost every letter on your blog.

About eight weeks ago my husband of five years pointed me to the link to your website. My first reaction was no way, but I do know how in his fantasy life he dreams of being female-dominated. So we have been giving it a go. And we have been having some fun and he tells me he is the happiest he has ever been. But I am so confused, because I can't figure out how to balance this with the life we have. And I feel really sad sometimes, because I feel like there has been some loss of intimacy. Sometimes when we do [some of the kinkier things], I feel so disconnected and like it has nothing to do with me - or us.

The background to this is that we have a two year old and a four year old and our sex life had been dismal...probably due to the fact that I am constantly tired and always have a lot going on. Clearly I needed to pay A LOT more attention to my husband. The other part of our background is that while we have not been having regular sex, my husband had been spending A LOT of time on the computer on the many female domination websites out there. I am sure you know they are very graphic. I knew about this for a long time, and there were time I would cry to sleep because he was sitting in the dark with the computer and not me.

When he came to me with your website, he confessed he would stop all porn on-line if I would give this a shot. So after initial rejection I have been really trying to make it work. And like I said - I have been having fun, I am more relaxed, and I feel sexier. We have been talking in detail about what works and what does not work. Sometimes I feel closer to him then ever. Sometimes it is exhausting. And sometimes I feel like I cannot give my husband the complete attention he wants. Does that make sense? I have been working hard at not making him last in the line up of our kids and my work and our life in general.

Here is the thing - he tells me I am not giving him enough. He means [kinky activity]. I think he still wants what he saw on the computer and I am not there - in spirit or energy. We go along for a week and I think we are doing great - he has a list of chores, I egg him along, and I make him keep a blog so he remembers that I AM playing along. I am a strong woman and generally comfortable being in charge - and pretty much have been for our entire marriage except for our sex life.

This past week we were both away for work and tonight finally both alone and tired, but happy to be together. I just wanted to be with him and have some good, yummy inimate sex and feel close to him. Instead we got into a heated discussion about how he needed more. Here is what he blogged earlier in the day:

Funny how 3 days "off the wagon" makes a difference. I'm not really feeling the submissive thing right now. Definitely had no intention of stripping the bed this AM until she called me on it.

I feel like I am not getting it. I feel like everyday I have to have a plan of what I am doing with him to be in the mood. I feel very alone in all of this as I have no one to turn to talk to about this. I know I am rambling and not being very concise - I think it is because I can't quite put my finger on what is happening. We are having such huge highs and lows since we started. It seems so much more complicated then what I read.

Any advice would be so appreciated.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

I think your husband is acting like a jerk, and I think you need to make this more about his submission to your authority and less about giving him what he thinks he wants. Around Her Finger techniques in a healthy marriage are not about fantasy fulfillment, they are about truly changing the dynamics of spousal authority to affect a better relationship. If the kinky stuff makes you uncomfortable, do not do it at all. If you are ok with, and even enjoy it, then do it as reward for his extended good behavior. Do not let him manipulate you as he is clearly trying to do. That said, if he is like most submissive men, he does need overt reminders of your authority. However, he does not need specific activities prescribed by him to you.

Be stern and very clear with your expectations. Make a list of what you want out of your relationship. Keep it short and high-level, and make sure that he is first and foremost serving your needs. Take whatever measures are necessary to make certain he is not cheating on your orgasm management, and when you want vanilla intimacy, you will get it. Keep him away from the computer. Keep him with you in the evenings after your children go to bed. He should either be on his knees serving you in some way, or cuddled up on the couch with you giving you what you need. When you go to bed, he goes to bed with you, or if he has been difficult, he sleeps on the floor next to you.

Tell him every morning and every night that you expect to be obeyed and respected, whether he is in the mood or not. Follow this by having him make some tangible, physical and intimate expression of his service to you.

You can and will improve your situation with resolve and patience.

Letters from Men

Hi, Emily--

Thanks for your thoughtful response to a woman who wrote last month who feared she was having an identity crisis. I would add that while labels like "head of household" are a convenient code for discussion, we should avoid defining ourselves by them lest it lead to the very problem she's facing. My late wife and I had what we considered a wife-led marriage. She directed my behavior and assured my submission by combining orgasm management spiced with an occasional scolding or lecture. She could get me to do her bidding by calling loudly across the house or with a simple change in expression. I will never forget wandering into the kitchen to find her contemplating a sink full of dirty dishes. She cocked one eyebrow at me; I stopped what I was doing on the spot to tackle the dishes!

At the same time, she was warm, funny, tender, and appreciative. We had fun with all of this, and I don't think it could have worked if we hadn't. Also, there were plenty of parts of our life that she had no desire to control or take charge of. She trusted me with them, and I gave her no reason to regret it. Simple things like family vacations we planned together, and she wanted it that way.

My counsel to this woman is to do what is comfortable, makes sense, and is fun while -- as you say -- growing into her and husband's new relationship. Trust herself, trust the relationship, and the rest will fall into place over time.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

What a beautiful letter, and one that sets the tone for what we try and accomplish on this site. This is the letter of the month, and the one that I am most proud to post and honored to respond to personally.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

I found your website about six months ago and I am very intrigued by it. I would like to explore loving female authority in my marriage, but I have a few questions. How does one know when they are really ready to commit? Sometimes I think I'm ready and other times not? What does a typical day consist of for Ken? Does he have to have your permission to spend time with his friends?

I enjoy your monthly updates hearing from other people on the subject.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

All good questions, but let me start my answers with the basics. I am submissive to Emily, but first and foremost, I am her husband and not some mindless slave. I make the vast majority of my own decisions, but for important decisions which involve her in any way, I defer to her judgement. She listens to me and values my opinion, but if she disagrees, she has final say.

On weekdays, I get up and leave the house before she does. I make the coffee, and I get her breakfast ready for her to make. (I would make it, but it would be cold by the time she got up if I did that). I do most, but not all of the housework. I give her foot rubs very often, but not every night. I give her massages less often, but still at least twice a week, and sometimes much more than that. I do sometimes go out with my friends, but I usually spend most of that time wishing I were with Emily anyway.

When we go out with other couples, I am respectful and loving to her, like any good husband should be. I very, very rarely give her any reason to be cross with me. I see keeping her happy as a one of my most important goals, and I work very hard at this. If she senses I am tired or very busy, she cuts me slack. She is a wonderful wife and cares very much about my happiness as well.

When do you know if you are ready to commit? If you know you are submissive, you already know you will not really be happy until you finally do. There is no better time to start than the present. Show her this site, writer her a letter, or buy her our book, CD, etc., but one way or the other, tell her.

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Dear Ken,

I wish there was a way that fans of your site could connect with each other.

You have said in the past that you are not open to a forum or reply posts on your updates page because you feel it is important to control the messaging associated with Around Her Finger. I respect this and admire the fact that you and Emily have kept the original mission of the site in place after years of consistent updates. However, I have a suggestion that I wonder if you might consider posting in the updates section.

Because many of your readers have public profile on some of the [social networking] sites, I wonder if I could implore them all to post the words “Emily Addison” and/or “Around Her Finger” on those sites in some way. They could either do it in their profiles or in their journal updates. This way I could find them by doing a search and reach out to add them to my “friends” group.

What do you think?

Eric in Ft. Lauderdale

Ken responds…

I like your suggestion. We can see how that goes, but I also promise to look into the possibility of creating a private Around Her Finger group that we can moderate to still maintain some sense of control over the content.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

I have read quite a lot of what your site has to offer and it has left me feeling faintly disturbed. I can understand the state of mind you describe, where an unfulfilled submissive spends much, if not all his waking hours thinking about his submissive fantasies. The only problem is that, to me, this state of mind seems dysfunctional.

For years I suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder, where all I could think about was bacteria and hygiene. I would, consequently, wash my hands obsessively dozens of times a day. I have had it under control now to the extent that my hands are no longer almost raw from over washing. My point is that it is perfectly normal to be concerned about germs, but it is dysfunctional to be obsessed with them. In the same way, it would seem that it is ok to have these kinds of fantasies (I have them myself), but dysfunctional to allow your life to be dominated by them. Allowing yourself to be subjugated to the will of another merely to satisfy the libidinous part of one's personality would seem to be a willfully gross limitation of a human being's potentially far richer mental life. Freud had a term - 'redirected libidinous drive' - in which we use some of the sexual energy resident in our psyche in pursuit of other forms of creativity and spirituality. Sex, after all, is only part of what it is to be human.Regards,

Martin
London, England

Ken responds…

Emily and I discussed your very interesting letter at some length. I hope it does not surprise you that we both agree with you on your key point. We should of course keep our impulses in check, and this is what separates us not only from the “dysfunctional” as you say, but also from the animals. Submission is an incredibly strong impulse, and controlling it is a precondition to a healthy, happy life.

We do, however, disagree with you in that I do not see submission as strictly a libidinous part of one’s personality. I see it having a very strong sexual connection, but being essentially an emotional and interpersonal dynamic. When misdirected, it expresses itself in sexual compulsions, and I think that many submissive men find themselves struggling with what might be called addictions to pornography with themes of dominant women, and some with even more concrete behaviors that are also essentially self-destructive.

However, in the context of a loving relationship, a man’s submission to a woman is an expression of his adoration, his love, and his desire to connect on a more intimate and emotional level. It is for many, decidedly “non-libidinous”. Perhaps you may think of this as redirected libidinous drive, but I prefer to think of it as an appropriately directed desire for emotional intimacy.

Maybe this is just a matter of semantics, but I have never totally bought into Freud anyway. If I have misinterpreted your point, I welcome you to write back. Your letter was a pleasure to contemplate.

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Dear Emily,

I have posted Around Her Finger translated into Dutch on the Lulu website. If you proceed to mention this Dutch version in your blog next month, you could use the following data:
Name of the book:

'OM HAAR VINGER GEWONDEN', by Ken Addison. Translated by Maximiliaan Prins.

Ordering address: http://www.lulu.com/content/1858856

I sincerely hope that in the future the phenomenon of female authority will become totally common and normal. It's also my opinion that it is the very natural order of things. Have nice greetings from me and my wife and keep up encouraging so many people.

Max Prins, The Netherlands

Ken responds…

Max… thank you for your efforts. I will certainly post the availability and location of your work. And ...for those of you wanting the good old fashioned english versions of our books and CD's:

http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger

Also, as we said in the opening, check out our merchandising link for great Valentines gifts.

January 2008 Updates

2008-01-02T06:43:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the first update of 2008!

I hope that you all had a great holiday and have made all the appropriate promises and resolutions for the new year. Ken and I visited some relatives out of town for Christmas and New Years (which explains the late update even if it doesn't excuse it), so we are especially happy to be back home and into the more routine swing of things.

This update is exciting for us because we are announcing our new partnership with Guy Stark who is conducting a research project to better understand the nature of male submission. The research will include descriptive analysis to profile submissive men and their habits and behaviors stemming from their submission. It will also make an attempt to unearth the root causes of the submissive man's desire to surrender to the authority of a woman. This final goal is a bit ambitious, but it will at least be a bold first step in the direction of understanding cause and effect relationships that undoubtably puzzle many of us. In the end, the ultimate goal of the study is to give the women that love submissive men better clarity into the nature of submission, and ultimately make them even more capable of nurturing intimate and meaningful female-led relationships.

The study has been crafted with the guidance of a trained survey professional and social researcher, but it is not part of a formal academic program. Guy describes the methodology as quasi-scientific, but having spoken to him on the phone, I think he is being humble. While he is soliciting responses from submissive men in a number of relatively uncontrolled ways, he is using certain statistical sampling techniques (well beyond my understanding) to balance the data after the fact and approximate a scientific, random sample.

I have been asked to sit on the Board of Advisors for his organization, and I have in turn volunteered Ken to work with him in analyzing the results. While he intends to present some of the results on his own website, he has also agreed to allow us to release certain exclusive content here on the Around Her Finger updates.

In return, we have agreed to solicit our readers to participate in the study. Therefore, I am asking that any of our readers that would like to participate please send me an email. Ken or I will reply with a link to take the study as well as a password. We ask that anyone taking the study please be over the age of twenty-one, be a current US citizen, and be an acknowledged submissive. We also ask that you only take the study one time, and that you do your best to complete the entire study, and that you answer every question with complete candor. Guy assures us that the study results will be kept completely confidential, and that only high-level, summarized data will be presented when the results are released. Note that the study does contain content that extends beyond the boundaries that we would typically set for this site.

To participate, or to send me a letter or question on this topic or any other, please send an email to:

Emily.Addison (-at-) gmail.com

As always, we ask that you help support our site by considering the purchase of our books and CD’s. They are available at Lulu:

http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I must not be the only woman for whom an Around Her Finger marriage represents an identity crisis. Believe me, I love everything about my husband's new behavior. His temper is gone, he is affectionate beyond my wildest dreams, his help around the house is much appreciated, and I think that we are honestly closer than ever.

My problem is that this is just not how I see myself. I never really imagined that I would be the head of the household, and I really don't feel comfortable with it. Can I expect that I will get used to this and that it will get better wtih time?

Unsigned

Emily responds...

First of all, you can definately expect to become more comfortable in your role as the dominant spouse in the relationship. You will become more accustomed to telling him what to do, and your expectations for him are likely to rise. This new level of comfort is likely to dispell any inhibitions you may have today in regard to how you relate to your husband as an authority in the relationship, and this will bring an even greater closeness in your marriage.

None of us could ever really anticipate how our relationships and even the world in which we live can change. Our grandparents and parents likely grew up with an expectation that the male would be the head of the household. Ken and I grew up believing that a marriage of equals might offer a better model. But a new era of openness has allowed many to look in their hearts and to look past what was expected of us, and instead adopt a model that will really work. For those men that have acknowledge their submission, a wife-led marriage is just that.

It sounds like your marriage is working very well. You are happy, he is blossoming in his service to you, and in your own words, you are closer than ever. Embrace your success. If you are having an identify crisis, do not think of yourself as a dominant wife, think of yourself as a successful wife.

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Dear Emily,

I don't ever see many letters from younger women on your site, but I wanted you to know that my friends and I all know about Around Her Finger, and we would settle for nothing less than obedient boyfriends.

I am a junior [at a large, mid-western University] and live with three other girls. Our boyfriends do all of our cooking, laundry, and house cleaning. Sometimes at night, we will be sitting around watching a movie, and all of the boys will be down on the floor rubbing our feet. So not only are they all submissive to us, but they are all aware of each other's submission, which I know for a fact is a turn-on for my boyfriend. These are cute, athletic guys, and they could easily date girls that are less high maintenace than us. They are with us because we give them the loving female authority that you say, and I agree, men crave.

The new generation is definately going to contain more and more relationships like this. It gives everybody what they need, and lets everybody be upfront about it.

[Other content was included but omitted from this letters page.]

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Your boyfriend's openness about his submission represents even a step beyond what we counsel on this site, and makes for an interesting example of how quickly this dynamic is evolving.

I hope that you do not feel as if I would be patronizing you if I were to offer you some advice. As a young person who is entering adult relationships for the first time, I think you should proceed with great care, if not for your own good than for that of the men you date. Just because these young men are so willing to serve you and your roommates, this does not release you from your obligation to treat them with the nurturing care that they deserve. Their perfect obedience gives you a great deal of freedom, but it also gives you a great deal of responsibility. Consider their interests and your best judgement as to what they are emotionally prepared to handle when making choices.

Just because something is a "turn-on" for your boyfriend, does not mean it is good for him.

Best of luck.

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

I know that I am submissive, and my wife and I are trying a wife-led marriage. I love to work for her and help her. If she makes me a list of things to do, I love to do it. I also love giving her massages before bed and other ways of pleasing her. I feel great about serving her but sometimes have a hard time not talking back.

LikeI said, I love a list but when she just ask me to do things out of the blue, I am not as eager. I was wondering if you had any advice for us on this behavior.

Any help would be greatly appreciated,

Joe

Ken responds...

Your submissive impulses are a function of how your wife nurtures your submission. Many men find that they feel more submissive and more willing to serve their wife when she is actively and expertly managing their orgasms. However, your obligation to obey her remains constant whether you are "feeling submissive" that day or not.

Talk to your wife about withholding your orgasms. Remind her that you may need dominant verbal cues to keep you motivated. Communication and ongoing improvement are always helpful.

In the meantime, get over your lack of eagerness and do what she tells you to do.

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Dear Ken,

Congratulations on your site and your concept - it truly works.

It amazes me that from birth we are exposed to an authority system. As a young child we are told what we can/cannot do and what is expected of us. We go to school, and teachers tell us what we can/cannot do and what is expected of us. When we go to work the same process is in effect. In all of these our ability to negotiate is strictly limited. In school no one says, "do you think we should study literature or mathematics this afternoon?" At work, we typically don't get to negotiate what office we will occupy.

But marriage --- when we get married everything is supposed to get negotiated, and worse yet it is often done on some kind of barter system; 1 oil change = 6 loads of laundry and 2 dinners. There is no leader, and many marriages end up in the political equivalent of anarchy. Chaos prevails, selfish behavior becomes rampant, and finally something snaps.

So if we accept we need a leader - why should it not be the woman? I would say because of balance, the woman leader seems adept at balancing the needs of many --- friends, children, husbands, parents are all considered by her and she never seems to totally ignore the needs of any one group.

A wife led marriage is truly a blessing - I hope more couples discover it's joys.

Robert from Kansas City

Ken responds...

Robert, your insight echos many of the points we make in our books. I think if most men made an honest assesment of who was the more capable leader in their homes, more would be happily serving their wives.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

In one of your letters you said that you did not know of anyone in their seventies that are of a submissive nature. Here I am! I have had submissive feelings for about as long as I can remember.

My wife and I have been in and out of a female in charge existence for many years and have, under my direction, delved into just about any kind of submissive behavior that we could come up with (No bondage and stuff like that). Nothing really worked.

My wife bless her heart did her best. Eventually we would give up and go back to "You do everything around the house and I will go back to sitting and watching TV." Not a bad life. A bit dull for her and not fulfilling for me, but it was OK.

I ran across your web and all the bells and whistles went off, we're back in the game again. Thanks to you. By the way, I just downloaded your cd. My wife hasn't listened to it yet. I am sure she will enjoy it. My advise to any of your readers is that if your wife is receptive to being in charge, you should help her by doing whatever it is that she wants you to do. Do not back off, let her become comfortable in her new authority. She is going to be afraid at times in the beginning that she will do something that will make you angry. Men if she is to be in charge, make sure that she is indeed in charge. If anyone is going to get angry make sure it is her not you, then get out there and do the damn dishes like you were told.

With the energy I have now I should live for another twenty or thirty years.

Thanks again Emily and Ken,

Dick

Ken responds...

What a fantastic letter. That was very good advice from someone that has definately had a great deal of experience with the same struggle shared by many of our readers.

And to find out that loving female authority is a tonic for energy, that puts the icing on the cake.

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Dear Ken and Emily,

I am writing to thank you for me stumbling- thankfully- on your wonderful website, and I am compelled to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the honest emotional explanations your site offered.

Backtracking a little, but not too far just yet. Several days ago, maybe up to a week, lying in bed, confused, guilty and thinking there’s something wrong with me, I watched my wife sleeping; beautiful, peaceful and serene. I was troubled- we’d had, yet again, the most complete and fulfilling sex only hours before- but there was something missing for me. I had a desire to submit to her that sex did not resolve.

Then the guilt set in! Why do I want her to be in control of me, am I a wimp, a lesser man for my cravings? So, there I was, probably 3:00 in the morning wracked with guilt and confusion, so I picked up my mobile and began searching the web. I think I Googled something like ‘submissive husband’, ‘Wife in control’. I found several lists of sites and articles that immediately drew me in- female led marriages, Around Her finger, wives in control. Every word I read sending a fizzle of electricity into my spine.

I recall my hands trembling and feeling an intense rush of excitement as I realized what I had probably always known. I realized there and then that I must officially declare her status in my life. I felt free, like I finally realized who I was, who we were together, and that our overwhelming powerful dynamic had to be formally acknowledged.

Having offered, and had accepted, my commitment to be the submissive partner in a wife led marriage- on Christmas day- I have a contentment like nothing before and feel more in love than ever- EVER.

Dan

Ken responds...

It is funny how the open acknowledgement and acceptance between spouses of a husband's submission seems to be the great divide between discontent and peace. You are brave to have so quickly acted on your new understanding, and blessed to have a wife that accepts you.

www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger

December 2007 Updates

2007-12-01T12:55:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the December Updates

As we roll through into holiday season, we should all remember that the bonds between those we love, not the possessions that we acquire, are really what contribute the quality of our lives. To that end, be ambitious and creative in coming with ways to build the bonds of intimacy and communication with your spouse. It will pay rewards above and beyond anything you can buy him or her at the malls or department stores.

I hope everyone pays special attention to the first letter which offers a great suggestion of an exercise for wives to give to their husbands. It definitely will contribute to the greater degree intimacy and higher level of communication that we all seek to discover.

Merry Christmas and best holiday wishes,

Emily

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As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):

Emily Dot Addison At Gmail Dot Com

Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger

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Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

My husband came forward to me about being submissive about one year ago. While he looked at your site often, he did not tell me about it at the time, and I first assumed his interest in all of this to be unique to him. In fact, the idea that there are many men like my husband and that there is a site like yours really came as a surprise to me. In retrospect, his not telling me about your site and books was a mistake. It was only when I went to the internet on my own initiative, months after him coming forward to me, that I even discovered it. Knowing that this is a common issue between couples and being able to leverage your work and experience as a resource would have been very helpful early on.

We definitely struggled with this at first. While I was reluctant, I was still open to the idea of being in charge in the marriage, but it seemed like my husband and I could never get it quite right. Like many people who write to your letters section, he would drift in and out of his attitude towards me and his commitment to what he said that he wanted in the first place. I think that this stemmed from a lack of understanding from my perspective regarding what he needed from me. He would speak in generalities about wanting to serve me, have me moderate how often he had orgasms, blah, blah, blah. But he really wasn’t clear about the fact that he had very specific ideas about how I was supposed to keep him motivated that went way beyond generalities.

I was excited to see your recent advice to a woman to have her boyfriend keep a journal of his thoughts. I had a very similar idea shortly after all of this started with my husband. I had given him the task of writing me a story of what a fantasy day with me would look like. I did not intend to build my life around his fantasy, but I wanted insight into what he was thinking. I asked him to write down the hypothetical “perfect submissive day with my wife”. What I learned is that he wanted me to be much more over the top with my authority than I had been. So much so that it seemed to almost humiliate him. I think that for me this was the biggest thing I learned from the exercise. I was ok with the model of loving female authority that he laid out for me when he first suggested we try it, and I am also comfortable with it as you describe it on your site, but he seems to want a bit more.

For example, in his story, after serving me breakfast in bed, his fantasy version of me then rolls over and commands him to “worship my bottom”. My fantasy counterpart then tells him that if he does a good job, I might let him go down on me later that night. Then she (I) drift back to sleep for a late morning nap as he lavishes me with kisses on my derrière.

When his fantasy counterpart serves me dinner that night, he is made to do so without wearing any clothes, and then I have him kneel beside me while I eat. Only after I get up and leave the table does he eat. And when I do “reward” him by having him give me oral sex that night, I am described as ignoring him while talking to one of my girlfriends on the telephone telling her how obedient he has been lately. At the end of the evening, my fantasy self loosely ties a little ribbon around his penis as a reminder that I am in charge, and that he won’t get another orgasm until I allow it.

In one sense, having him write down his fantasy scenario was very helpful. I saw that he needed me to step up the frequency and level of demonstrations of my control. While I was not comfortable with the level that was laid out by my fantasy counterpart, I did become a little bolder, and I would occasionally role play outside of my comfort zone. This definitely had the desired effect of maintaining consistency with the dynamic and gives me the intimacy and communication in our downtime, the romantic vanilla aspect of LFA, that I was really after.

In another sense, however, I feel like I have become increasingly comfortable in stepping into my role playing. I have become more comfortable doing the things with him and to him that I had earlier described as humiliating.

So my question to you now is what do you think? What do you think of the fantasy scenario as I have summarized it? Am I going too far? I will admit that I have become very comfortable as the dominant spouse. Is there a point where I step over the line and begin to encroach on the “normal” part of our relationship? Keep in mind that the LFA part of our marriage is still small relative to the vast majority of our interactions and communication… which except for the fact that we now communicate better… is almost exactly the same as it ever was. Also, based on your answer, what do I do next?

Thank you in advance,

Janet in Dallas

Emily responds…

Your assignment of having him write out a fantasy day is brilliant. I think that the fantasy scenarios of many submissive men would include activities and interactions very much like those that your husband described. For example, submissive men do seem to have a fascination with women’s tushies. Much like a foot fetish, a bottom fetish seems to metaphorically reinforce a man’s humility. His nakedness in your presence while serving you dinner does the same. Even if it made you uncomfortable at first, he wants to serve you this way, and it is an act of kindness on your part to accept it and to allow him to do it. I do not think it is too much to role play, as you say, and allow him to do this once in a while. I feel the same way about the ribbon. It is a way of reminding him always that you are in charge of his sexual pleasure. All of this has served to have the desired effect of maintaining that consistently high level of intimacy and open (vanilla) communication that a properly executed wife-led marriage offers.

I think the fact that you are growing more comfortable with his scenarios is only a good thing. Embrace your authority. Throttle this dynamic to your comfort level, and you will always be well within any pre-conceived boundaries that he may have. I suspect that the fantasy story that he wrote still found him holding back quite a bit, and that he nurtures at least a curiosity about activities even beyond what he was willing to share with you.

As to next steps, ask him to write down five activities about which he is curious, but you two have never explored. Then select from these the one or two with which you are comfortable and also represent a modest step forward. Use them sparingly and lovingly to nurture his sense of humility. Your relationship will only become stronger as a result.

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Emily,

Please excuse this letter if it seems rambling. I have never spoken to anyone about this subject and am very nervous sending this message.

I recently found your web site and was intrigued. I have been married to my husband for more than 20 years having married later in life so I am no spring chicken. On several occasions he has expressed to be, as he puts it, “my slave”. Unfortunately I am not very creative and usually this goes on for a few weeks at the most. He leans toward the more “overt” when it comes to his servitude (he loves me to wear boots, high heels, and more display traditional outward examples of the male version of domination), if you know what I mean.

Your idea of LFA seems more in line with what might work for me. Here is my concern: after the initial launch, what measures do I take when the newness wears off? What measures do you recommend to reinforce my "authority"?

Thanks for the web site. Now maybe I have a model that can work for us.

Sally V.

Emily responds…

First, I applaud you for taking the right first steps in that you have kept an open mind about your husband’s submission, and you seek to understand how to reconcile it with what will work for you. This shows that you are a compassionate woman in that you take his needs into consideration, and it shows that you are committed to compromise when his needs and your own do not seem, at first glance, to align perfectly.

Understanding the next steps in maintaining the relationship dynamic seems to challenge many writers to this site. Let me reinforce the suggestions and recommendations from the last letter. Have him write down his fantasy scenario. Ask him to answer, in writing, the same questions you are asking me. Figure out what he thinks will maintain the intensity of his commitment, and use this as a starting point to explore new paths together.

If some of the items he mentions puzzle you, do not hesitate to write back to me or to do Google searches to find out what others, perhaps with more expansive boundaries, have discovered works for them.

---

Dear Emily,

I am getting married in the spring to a wonderful submissive man. We plan on living a wife-led marriage, and while we plan to be very discreet about the nature of our relationship, one thing does bother me.

My instincts tell me that he should take my name. Even the compromise position of keeping our own names seems to be insincere under the circumstances.

What do you think?

Pamela

Emily responds…

I am sure that many women who read my response will be shocked to hear that I actually have no problem with any of the options available to you including taking his name. Perhaps the day will come when loving female authority becomes a well understood and openly accepted custom in our society, but it is not likely to happen soon. Therefore, I prefer to focus my attention and concern on how the two of you relate to one another, and not how you broadcast your matriarchy to the outside world.

I have said before that as far as public behavior is concerned, a man should absolutely be expected to behave respectfully and with reverence towards his wife and other women. No other acknowledgement of LFA beyond this is necessary. Decide how you want to handle the name situation with this in mind. That your husband accepts and respects the decision, whatever it may be, is the only important factor.

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken:

It impressed me (and consoled me in some ways) to see you post the letter this month from the husband who found a negative response from his wife to his overtures concerning a wife-led marriage along the lines of your website. I feel for him, and am concerned for his next steps with his wife and his own mind.

I too found such a response and have had to make my own emotional and mental adjustments to knowing an AHF kind of marriage will not come to be. It’s not from lack of effort. Nor is it from asking my wife to become someone completely contrary to her nature. She is a faithful, thoughtful, caring wife. At times she is also a lovingly-bossy woman who is used to my yielding to her on many things. Yet, it appears the shift that AHF asks of her is just too much.

I had discovered the site nearly two years ago while in a phase of searching how our marriage might deepen now that we are empty nesters. Discovering your site was both a breath of fresh air and admittedly an erotic attraction. For years my wife and I had been aware of the submissive tendencies I have, and it was not unusual for her and me to act upon them as a spice in our intimate relationship. Finding your site, reading the book and listening to the confessional CD and a lot of reflection since then has brought to me a peace that it is the loving kind of marriage relationship you describe that I have always wanted, but was unable to figure out.

When I did quietly (like so many, in a stealth submission) begin to live that out, and after a while gave my wife your book and CD and a confessional letter, I suspect the memories of the games we had played was what she thought this was too. There wasn't much response from her, in fact none at all. I'm not even certain she even read the book or reviewed the website. I kept up my caring and submission for some months, and was even optimistic when I wrote you an email (which you posted last year).

But the few times she accepted it did not make up for the basically negative, even indifferent response, she had to the concept. I gave it up after some months, only to return quietly and intentionally two other times since then for another couple extended efforts, ready to talk about it if given the slightest opening. But rather than accept the devotion and loving intimacy I offered, without words, it was clear it was a non-starter for her and a dead-end for me. I still have the book and my desire is still there, and I have a wonderfully honest confessional letter expressing my wishes for her as we move into this new phase of our marriage. But I am not at all hopeful.

So for you, I still say thanks for helping me sort through to understand myself and find peace with who I am and what I really wanted from a relationship. It’s not going to happen for me. But I know more of myself now.

For the writer you posted, I encourage him to ask himself some hard questions, the same ones I've had to ask myself. He made a commitment to her, and while he wants to change the style of marriage now mid-way, marriage is a mutual thing. She isn't interested, so can he instead find the positives in their marriage? Go ahead and give her the love she needs, even if the wife-led dynamic he would prefer won't be there. In other words, like I am learning to do, I hope he can find the positives that are there rather than the loss he feels.

And finally, I have some thoughts for the other more submissive men still thinking about introducing this to their wives or the younger men just moving into a relationship. If I can give any perspective now looking back, don't choose the games or the internet as alternatives. Be a man and tell your wife what's in your heart. Explain to her what you think would be a win-win for both of you, and how fulfilling it would be to be her devoted husband. Don't cloud the picture with anything less.

Thanks again for posting his letter and inviting our response.

Roger

Ken responds…

Thank you for the kind words to the author of last month’s letter. I agree that he will struggle with this rejection, and I share your concern for him going forward. I have no doubt he can maintain a strong, positive relationship with his wife, but I also know that her decision to shut him down when opening up about something so important to him will have lasting effects.

I cannot help but notice that there is one thing that the few letters we have received where LFA was rejected have in common. In each of them, the wife was unwilling to discuss the husband’s request. His letter was no different, and neither for that matter, is your letter. There was no thoughtful consideration and heartfelt explanation as to why the wife does not want to pursue LFA, there was only silence. There is often, if not typically, not even a sense of certainty if the wife even bothered to read our book or open up our website. This really bothers me.

If I could ask one thing from these wives, it would be to engage their husbands on this matter. Understand the motivation and history behind their decision to bring up the topic. Find a way to at least acknowledge that the submissive expression is heartfelt and genuine and deserves a response. In other words, give a damn.

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Emily Dot Addison At Gmail Dot Com

Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger

November 2007 Updates

2007-11-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the November Updates

It seems like the next update is due almost as soon as we finish the last. Our labor of love continues, and we welcome all the letters we receive, the ones we publish as well as those that we do not.

I ask that all of our readers take special note of the first of this month's letters from men. It relates a horribly negative experience that one member of our community had in sharing his interest in loving female authority with his wife. I would very much welcome any direct replies to this letter. I can either post them on here or forward them directly to the letter’s author.

Ken

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I have been lurking on your site and blog for months, but I have not before now been moved to write you.

I am another one of those wives that believed (wrongly) that my husband would be the last one to be interested in being submissive to me. My husband is very successful at work, very outgoing, and gives one the impression that he is, if anything, much more dominant than submissive.

I got my first hints at his interest in this topic soon after we were married. He tried to get me engage in domination play in the bedroom, even buying me toys and outfits to prod my participation. I first played along with him, but certainly never lived up to his expectations, and I let him know that it was really not something that interested me. At the time I wrote it off as a kinky fetish of his that occupied a small part of his thoughts, and I had no idea of the extent that it actually occupied his mind. It was only this past summer, when I opened the history folder on our shared computer to find a site I had visited recently, that I was confronted by the full extent of his interest in this topic.

The one saving grace from the time I spent looking through the websites he visited was seeing your own amongst them. You provided an opportunity for me to not only begin to develop a framework for understanding him, but more importantly, you provide a model with which I think I can live. I use the future tense here because even though I discovered his web history four months ago, he still does not know it.

Sometime over the next few weeks or months, I plan on giving my husband exactly what he wants, or more accurately, needs. I have been thinking quite a bit about this, and I am excited by what I believe it can offer our relationship. I am quite sure that he will be shocked by my intentions. For example, I plan on [adopting techniques I have learned about from other websites]. My plan is to be quite demanding, with an emphasis on using LFA to develop our relationship. I will say that I particularly liked the suggestion you recently made to one woman to have her boyfriend keep a journal on topics of her choosing. I feel like after ten years of marriage, I will finally have a vehicle to get him to express himself to me.

Thank you again for everything that you and your devoted husband do.

Unsigned in Tucson

Emily responds…

I am so pleased with your letter. I am certain that your husband will enjoy everything that you have in store for him. Please do keep us up to date with how your “coming out” affects your relationship.

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Dear Emily,

My husband and I have been practicing an Around Her Finger marriage for over one year. Like other women that have written to you, he would get hot and cold in terms of his affection and focus on me, and like other women, I assumed that it was because I was not managing the cycle of his orgasms correctly.

But after going through this for some time, I think that I disagree with you. I think that the way to deal with these down cycles is not by tweaking the orgasm management, but instead by taking firm actions that re-affirm our roles in the marriage. Honestly, I’ve become used to being in control, and I figured this out only because I put my foot down one day and saw how it affected him.

I had noticed he had been slacking off on cleaning and chores. Then one night I asked him for the remote control, and he came back and said he just wanted to finish watching his show. I let this pass. Later, when I asked him for a foot rub, he complied, but did so with a grumpy attitude and complained that he was very tired. I guess I just had enough. Having a wife-led marriage was his idea, and I did not think I should have to work so hard at it.

I calmly but sternly told him to take off his clothes and that he would give me my foot rub while he was naked. You had said one time that this makes men feel vulnerable and increases their submission. It seemed to work for him. He started kissing my feet before rubbing lotion on them, something he had not done in a while. As he did so I told him how I was tired of his attitude, and that he would obey me or he would be sleeping on the floor at the foot of my bed for the week. I reminded him that I was in charge and he was, as per the original agreement, expected to obey me. Then I had him [provide me with oral sex] before moving to the bed where he gave me a massage as I went to sleep.

For the next two weeks our relationship continued perfectly. And now, whenever I see him starting to slip, I give him a reminder of one sort or another of our new roles in the relationship.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

You provided a great letter, and I thank you for sharing your experience. I hope I never gave the impression that orgasm management alone is enough to maintain this dynamic. Overt and frequent demonstrations of your authority are at least as important as physical intimacy that excludes the male orgasm. Orgasm management together with these reminders of your roles are the magic to making loving female authority work.

When you were unhappy with the way things were going, you didn’t just complain, you took action. You were rewarded for your initiative.

Letters from Men

Ken,

I wanted to write to you because I don't think I've read a letter on your site from someone who has had a negative experience. Over a year ago, after months and months of agonizing, i approached my wife about LFA. I had engaged in "stealth submission" several times through the years (almost 20 now), but finally worked up the courage to be honest and open about my feelings. To be brief, it failed miserably.

My wife pretty much outright rejected the notion and moved on. I tried to open the discussion several other times, but she seemed to get agitated, angry and shut down. I tried to get her to just look at your site and do some research then talk with me, but it never happened. I'm not certain whether it is my own embarrassment over bearing my soul and being rejected or if it is real, but it seems that she has been more distant than before. The emotional intimacy I felt in the lead up to this seems lost and I feel she has lost some of the respect she had for me. This has not destroyed my marriage, but it does seem that it has changed it.

I feel lost now. Before I at least had the fantasy that at some point, in the future, this might be a reality and I might be able to really be myself with the woman I love. I know I have to let it go and move on and I can't really even get an idea from her about where she is emotionally with this. It seems that I rationalized to myself that this was going to be something she could get her mind around because she is a very assertive woman who is a natural leader. Unfortunately, she was repulsed by the notion.

I'm writing this to give you and your readers the other side. This doesn't always go well, and a man must decide if this is worth the risk. As for me, I wish I had kept my desires to myself. The picture you paint on you site and through your letters seems much more positive than the reality I experienced. I hope you will post this so others will know that coming out to your spouse with these feelings comes at considerable risk.

Rob

Ken responds…

I am very sorry to hear that your courage in sharing your feelings was met with such a dramatic negative reaction by your wife. We have certainly received and published negative letters before, and we do understand the intense personal rejection associated with this outcome. I believe that most every man that comes to this site balances the possibility of that reaction against the intensely desired goal state of loving female authority and proceeds accordingly.

I will offer you hope by saying that we have received letters from men whose wife reacted very negatively to the initial introduction only to come around to a more receptive attitude months later. I certainly hope that this will be the case in your own marriage.

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Dear Ken,

Over the years, my wife and I have gravitated towards a wife led marriage.

We practice orgasm management and on this issue as with every issue in our home her word is final. My wife enjoys oral stimulation but also enjoys sexual intercourse. One thing she wants very much is for me not to climax before her. I find this very difficult. Usually I am so primed and wound up from extended foreplay that as soon as I penetrate, I climax.

Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Marc

Ken responds…

Emily recently counseled a woman to explore the use of a vibrating ring, available at adult novelty stores, that wraps around the base of the penis and can be positioned against the woman during intercourse. This allows the intimacy of sexual intercourse and affords the woman a high-likelihood of an orgasm while allowing the man to remain somewhat still, thus reducing his own likelihood of ejaculating prematurely. When the ring is extended around the scrotum, it also provides the additional benefit of prolonging male orgasm and maintaining the erection.

You can combine this technique by using a desensitizing cream, also available at adult novelty stores. Rub this cream onto your erection before intercourse and then wear a condom before entering your wife so that her own genitalia is not exposed to the cream when it comes in contact with your own.

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Ken,

You mentioned that you have a new job. I was wondering if you would share some personal information with us?

Since you are pretty open with living a FLR having a website and writing a book, do people at work know of this? What kind of work do you do? How does being a submissive husband affect your professional life? Who is the primary earner in you family, you or Emily? What kind of career does Emily have?

The reason that I ask is that I always wonder who are the people that have a marriage like the one I want to have. Are the men submissive in all aspects of their life including professional? Are the women dominant in all aspects of their lives? I have a pretty "normal" career, I am a business manager and the primary income source for our family, but when I get home or interact with my wife I want her to be in charge.

Mark

Ken responds…

Emily and I are very reluctant to share personal information, but I will open up to you about a few things.

First, Emily and Ken Addison are pseudonyms. While we are a real couple leading a wife-led marriage, we do not use our real names. We are intensely private, and our friends and family, with very few exceptions, have any idea how deeply committed we are to the concepts we discuss on this site.

I am the primary breadwinner in the marriage. Emily gives me an allowance, and I very often request and receive other money, but the source of most of our monthly income is primarily my job. I am employed by a large company which would be familiar to all of the readers of this site in a managerial capacity. In the parlance of the corporate world, I would be called a mid-level manager. I prefer not to say exactly what I do, but it is the cause for a modest amount of travel, some stress, and an income probably slightly better than the typical American.

Emily works outside the home as a volunteer for a non-profit. She also is involved in a number of community activities where she holds a leadership role. While I make more money, her responsibilities are greater than mine and her work is more important.

While I may have never thought of it before receiving your letter, I think that being submissive has definitely impacted my career. Do not misunderstand, I feel as though I am a strong leader at work, being very aggressive and demanding with my employees. I also do not think it has affected the way I interact with women at work. My demeanor and attitude towards my prior boss, who was female, was professional and courteous, just as my demeanor and attitude is towards my current male boss.

What I will say, however, is that since openly submitting to Emily, my work is just not as important to me as it used to be. I think I used to try and self-actualize by being successful at work. I have now come to accept that financial or career success will never fulfill me. The only meaningful way for me to achieve happiness is by giving my wife one hundred and ten percent of my energy and attention. This has affected my career because it has caused to me to pass on opportunities at work that would have taken my focus off Emily. However, the net of my priorities has been a peace and a contentment that has rewarded me many times over.

I love and serve my wife. Just as we say on our site, I am truly happiest when wrapped around her finger.