Welcome to the September Updates
Welcome to the September updates. The summer is ending and we get ready to go back to a more domestic routine, spending more time inside the home and less outside.
This brings to mind an interesting article that was sent to me this week after having appeared in USA Today. It provides the results of a study from twenty-eight countries where couples were surveyed to see what percentage of the housework was done by the husband vs. the wife. The USA ranked eighth on this list, with men accounting for 37.3% of the total housework burden. Australia ranked first, but even in Australia men only performed a disappointing 39% of the total housework. Interestingly, married couples consistently saw men performing less housework than those of unmarried couples.
Clearly the survey missed the readers of this site. While few homes will see women doing none of the housework, we are not a lazy gender after all; wife-led marriages would certainly expect the majority of the domestic burden to fall on the male. This is not the centerpiece of what Around Her Finger relationships have to offer, but it is certainly a benefit that I am surprised more women do not seize upon.
The survey did not go on to ask those doing the bulk of the chores how much satisfaction they took from them. Had they stumbled across one of the husbands that submits to his wife’s authority, they could have gotten a treatise on the joy of service. After all, what submissive husband is not perfectly content when happily complying with his wife’s wishes to keep her home in perfect order?
Emily
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As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):
Emily Dot Addison at Gmail Dot Com
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,I wanted to let you know how much I have enjoyed your web site and to tell you a little bit about how my marriage was transformed into one of “Loving Female Authority”.
In our courting days, and for a few years after our wedding, my husband was very loving to me. He would dote on me and do anything I asked of him. We would talk to each other regularly and tell each other whatever was going on in our lives. He’d call me from work each day to “check in”, and we made love three or four times a week.
But after 20 years of marriage, I came to the realization that my husband had turned into a lazy, self centered man, quite opposite from the man that I married. We rarely talked anymore, unless it was an argument, and our sex life was practically nonexistent. He spent all of his free time on the internet or watching sports, and never helped around the house. I gave up on him (and us) and retreated to my books, as I am an avid reader. I was considering a divorce until I accidentally discovered something about him that changed everything.
We were in the midst of an argument one evening about going to my girlfriend’s for a get together with her and her husband. I was getting dressed for the evening when my husband announced from the living room that he was going to stay home and watch the baseball game instead. I marched into the living room wearing only my underwear, and saw that he was already sitting on the floor leaning against the couch (his usual position) watching the game. I was furious with him, as this was my best friend, and we had planned this night many months beforehand because our schedules did not allow us to get together that often. I stood in front of him to block his view of the TV and started berating him about how he was not going to spoil our night, how he had turned into a selfish boring person, going on and on about how bad our marriage had turned out, blah, blah, blah.
It finally dawned on me that he was not looking up at me during this tirade, but was staring straight ahead at my semi-dressed body. This just got me more upset, thinking he wasn’t even listening to me. So I straddled his outstretched legs and moved myself in front of him, saying that if he wanted a better view, he was going to get it, but he’d better start listening to what I said. I started telling him that he was going with me as planned; that he was to act friendly and polite the whole evening; and that he was to immediately get dressed in the outfit I had picked out for him that was lying on the bed. Almost a minute passed in silence while my husband face was within inches from my panties, when I heard him say in a quiet voice “OK”. He got up, dressed, and we drove to my girlfriend’s house in silence.
I couldn’t believe my husband’s attitude adjustment that evening, as it was like he was his old self twenty years earlier. He was not only polite, but his sense of humor had returned, and he even volunteered to help with the dishes at the end of the meal. At one point he began holding my hand as we made conversation while sipping coffee. My girlfriend commented to me when we were alone about how “into” me he was. I mentioned to him while we were driving home that he seemed to enjoy the evening, and he told me that he had. My mind get bringing me back to my husband’s “dear in the headlights look” earlier in our living room. I decided I’d try to get that “look” back again to see if I could use it to my advantage.
When we arrived home, I suggested that he check on the baseball scores to see how his game went. After a few minutes, I again blocked his view to the TV, and slowly began to strip away my clothes until I was again clad in only my underwear. I straddled his legs once more; except that this time I moved so close to him that his face was barely touching my panties. I told him that he was to get up early the next morning and start cleaning out the garage, something I have been begging him to do for the past year. I told him to wake me up at 10:30 with a cup of coffee, but that he was to go right back to work. I also told him that I would have a listing of projects for him to complete over the weekend, so that when he finished the garage, he was to proceed through the list until they were all completed. His acceptance of my demands was obvious when he started to move his face back and forth against my panties.
His reaction prompted me to continue. I told him that he was to come up to the bedroom and give me oral sex like he used to, and to keep it up until I told him I had enough. He complied, and I found myself falling asleep from exhaustion after an hour of constant stimulation, not even thinking about the state I was leaving him in for the night.
He woke me up at the designated time with my cup of coffee in hand, telling me that he already finished the garage, and was starting on cleaning out the basement. He kissed me, told me that he loved me, and was on his way. I was amazed and amused at the same time, wondering what I had stumbled upon. Thus began my extensive internet search to figure out the how’s and why’s of what happened. After drudging through a long list of sites dedicated to female domination and ridiculous fantasies, I finally found "aroundherfinger.com". I read everything there was to offer, and was convinced that I found my answer.
In the same manner as before, I instructed my husband to read through the website and told him that we would be discussing his reaction in detail.. He confessed his submissiveness to me, and told me he found it to be extremely erotic for him, especially orgasm management. We have been devout followers of Loving Female Authority for the past two years, and I am so thankful for your website and all that you offer to couples like us.
Janice in California
Emily responds…
Janice, what a beautiful story you tell. It definitely qualified as letter of the month. I wonder how many unhappy marriages could use the shock treatment of stern female authority coupled with a sexually provocative pose or gesture. I am only sorry it took you so long to discover the secret to marital happiness that so many readers on this site enjoy.
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Dear Emily,
First let me tell you how happy I was to find your site. Although I have found useful information on other similar sites, yours is truly a wonderful beginner’s resource.
My husband introduced this idea to me in February of 2006 and for a lot of reasons it has been a long road to get even as short a distance to where we are now. For reasons I do not really know, I have always been pretty uptight when it comes to sex. I have never been abused, I am not overweight and I am reasonably attractive. I have always been told I have a nice body. I did develop a little early, so for a long time was in the habit of wearing baggy shirts and this developed into a habit of always wearing baggy clothes and whatever was comfortable. People were always very surprised to see me in a swim suit because my shape was so different. My parents had “the talk” with my sister and me but we didn't really talk about sex as a general rule. I lost my virginity at 17 to a boy I had been in a long term relationship with and I felt terrible afterward as though my dad would be disappointed in me.
I don’t know if any of that background will help, but I thought I would include it to put my story in perspective.
When my husband presented me with this idea, I was surprised but excited at the thought of getting more help around the house. My problem is that I cannot seem to completely commit to it. I give him a task list but don’t get too upset if he doesn’t finish. I forget to check his work. I let him have an orgasm before we reach the previously decided upon time. I have not been a dominant person in my life and there are times when I really don’t care about things and want him to decide. His one year anniversary of quitting smoking is coming up and he wants a weekend where I dictate what he does for every second. Why can’t I do that for him? Is it just laziness? It does seem like a lot of work.
I apologize for jumping all over the place. J I was hoping we could correspond because I do want this to work. I look forward to your reply and I thank you in advance.
Have a nice weekend.
Amy
Emily responds…
You do not jump all over the place at all. Your background was very helpful, and your letter was very clear. Your problem is one that many beginning LFA wives share. Being in control does not come naturally to you, yet you know it is important to your relationship with your husband that you become more dominant with him.
Your problem is very common. Your husband’s desire to have two weeks of an intense display of your authority is his way of dealing with the problem. He wants to experience the intense and consistent submission he so badly craves, and he thinks that getting you into a habit over fourteen days is the prescription for getting you over your reluctance. For some women, this two week period is exactly the prescription for success, but for you it may not be so simple.
In past updates, we have discussed the technique of using non-verbal cues to express your authority. You may, for example, be uncomfortable saying, “stop, don’t have an orgasm.” Yet you might be perfectly comfortable placing one of two marbles, one red and one green, in a small bowl beside your bed. If you chose to place the red marble in the bowl, he would know he was expected to stop himself before having an orgasm. If he saw the green marble he would know it was ok to have the orgasm. You could then build your comfort level through a series of non-verbal cues. Maybe successfully completing a series of tasks on a to-do list allows him the privilege of golfing with his friends. At the bottom of the list simply write “no golf until completed” and he will understand the consequences.
I do feel as though you will grow more comfortable with your position as head of the household over time. Just stick with it and identify very tangible behavioral changes that you really desire from him. You should be getting something out of all of this as much as he expects to find his own satisfaction, so always keep your own needs top of mind.
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Dear Emily,
Could it possibly be that I'm just not cut out to be dominant? Even though we've been trying this a while, it still doesn't feel natural to me.
Sincerely,
Kate
Emily responds…
Your question is such a perfect follow up to the last letter.
Let me ask you, are you getting everything out of your marriage that you want? Are you satisfied with the amount of affection your husband provides you, the level at which you communicate with him, the amount of housework that he does? You know that I feel very strongly that for the wives of submissive men, open and frequent demonstrations of your authority will lead you to all of these things. If you already have them, perhaps it is because he gives them to you as a result of your current efforts. If you do not have them, then the path to achieving them is in your hands.
It is not simply a question of you being naturally dominant or not. It is a question of filling a need that your husband has clearly expressed to you. You, if you are like most women, need romance, intimacy and communication from him. He needs love from you in the form of expressions of your control in the relationship. If you feel uncomfortable with verbalizing your authority, tap into some of the suggestions I offered in my response above.
Take things as slowly as you need to take them, but step forward in a direction that I believe will work for both of you. Please stay in touch as I want to know that your comfort level and your relationship will grow as I suspect it will.
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Emily:
I hope you are well.
I was curious about your reply concerning the disobedient husband in your August update. Were you suggesting he have his orgasm “managed” for a month? This seems extreme based on how I have read your previous responses, but I personally like the idea. Especially early in the relationship, strict discipline seems in order.
Did I misread your reply?
Love,
Paula
Emily responds…
Generally, I think a month is too long, and he is likely to become grumpy as he approaches two weeks. This runs the risk of being counterproductive. As I have said before, orgasm management requires ongoing communication and an ability on behalf of the wife to sense what time frames work best.
However, my answer in the August update was in regard to punishment. While a man might be expected to go through cycles where he is less attentive to his responsibilities than he is expected to be, I also believe that outright disobedience should not be tolerated. A man should obey his wife, period, end of story. In the event that does not, all bets are off and measures ordinarily considered extreme might warrant consideration.
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
My wife and I have been a wife-led relationship now for about nine months, and your book was an instrumental part at the beginning. We had been married many years and had three young kids and my wife and I had always had a very great loving relationship that made us the envy of other couples, but we were arguing more and more and starting to drift apart a bit.
The big problems were that my wife felt she had lost a lot of her identify and power being mostly a stay at home mom (part-time work) and was often pretty tired and stressed out from the kids and the housework. I was pretty devoted to my job and was terrible at getting home on time or communicating when I would be late. Also my sex drive was a lot stronger than hers and I could have had sex twice a day, where her level was more like twice a week. Also we would have blowout fights with increasing frequency every few months or weeks, and the topic would usually be sex. I would look at internet porn a lot and try to bring fantasies to life through her by putting a lot pressure on her. She wasn't willing to give in very often and so we would have a blowout.
Eventually it was clear we were not headed in a good direction, and after both of us threatened to leave in one of the fights, I finally started seeing the light. I realized that at the core of most of the arguments was that I wanted to have her give in to me and let me dominate her, and she wasn't willing to do that. In one of the arguments I yelled at her, asking her why she wasn't willing to do these things for me if she loved me, and I argued that I was willing to do anything sexually for her. Later, after the worst argument, I spent a lot time thinking about what we both said. It occurred to me that if I was really willing to do anything she wanted, and she wasn't willing to do everything I wanted, and also if she wasn't willing to give in to overall, then perhaps I should just try flipping it all around. It occurred to me that I should try giving in to her. I read a few websites and came across the idea of orgasm management by women. When I thought about giving control to my wife and especially giving her authority over when I climaxed, I knew it would solve many problems all at once, and if I couldn't get her to submit to me, then perhaps I could learn to do so for her.
I wish I had found your book and website first, but the tact I tried did work.
I tried giving her a lot of massages before having sex and found that we both liked that. Also I had pressured her so much, that I helped encourage her to fantasize while we had sex, but told her she didn't have to tell me what she was thinking about. She liked the freedom of that. Then after I had done something to upset her one day, I offered her a "Queen for the day" day, where I would do everything - all the housework, make all the meals, etc.. She jumped at the idea.
After a very short time she was having a great time watching me work and learning to relax. Just before dinner she was sitting on the couch sipping a glass of wine while I made dinner and was waiting on her, and she started to tease me and call me the servant boy and fully accepted the role of Queen. Well, I discovered that it kept me excited all day to treat her like that - what a charge. I discovered your site and everything sort of clicked for me.
I decided that I should go for it and try this with my wife. I started doing more massages, then offered her another "Queen for a day" day. She got into it even more and teased a lot, so I did it again the next day. When it was clear she was enjoying it, I went ahead and told her that I thought this was something we should try to address some of the problems in the relationship. I told her I would let her be in charge and treat her like a Queen and she could even be in charge of my orgasms - I would stop looking at porn on the internet and have it just be about her. She was skeptical to the extreme. She didn't believe I could do it, and she was afraid that if I did, I would hold it over head and make her feel guilty about all I was doing for her. But she said she thought she deserved more respect, and she thought it might be fun for a while.
Well we started trying, and man, was it electric! I was so hot for her, and she was in control of when I could orgasm. We had the best sex ever, and she got into the head of the household role quickly and expertly. But she still didn't trust me, and rightly so. It took about three to four months for me to stop trying to lead. I kept trying to get her to read things and kept trying to make suggestions on how she could do it better. Then she read your book after about three months, and I think that helped her to feel like she could really make this work.
I think the approach of the two women giving each other advice was a perfect way to present it. It made a lot of sense to her and she tried it. She picked up the teasing a lot and tried a bit of “management” and boy did it work. But really since that time, what has evolved is that I really can't make any suggestion or try to lead at all. If I do, she simply puts what I push for on the list of things she won't do. It shuts me up pretty quickly. Now we haven't had an argument in nine months and we feel so much closer and more in love. We feel like we did when we first moved in together, but of course with the difference that we have fifteen years of shared experiences to make us even closer.
Now the things we are struggling with are just a few. For me, I have learned to be patient about waiting for orgasms - it’s her choice now. I love the feeling of desire and now if anything an orgasm is almost a let down of the intense desire, affection and love I feel almost every day. I don't suggest things or try to steer - I accept her authority to lead in the bedroom and out of the bedroom - she has the final word on everything, and she has total creative control of what we do for our sex life. She also has much more confidence inside and outside the bedroom. She does better with being authoritative in all aspects of her life. She has started her own business, and she has now gone back to get her masters. She can do that since I do most of the housework, give her massages every other night, and work normal hours and am wiling to shift my schedule or take a day off now and then to accommodate her schedule.
My struggle is just that now after I haven't had an orgasm for a week or more, then I start craving more authority and more physical expressions of her authority. That is a little difficult at times because she has made it clear that she doesn't want me to ask for things - I did way too much of that and put too much pressure/guilt on her for years, and this is my penance. I'm trying to be patient and view this as really a higher form of authority from her - she is making it clear what she wants and making sure she gets it. I really respect that, but it’s still so hard to keep my mouth shut and let her move at her pace. It’s clear she knows what things I like, but it’s also clear that it’s better if I stay quiet - else she is LESS likely to do those things. If I stay quiet and am patient, then when she is in the mood to try something she will and it blows me away. But really, everything she does blows me away now - her touch is electric, her smell intoxicating. All my responses are now strongly keyed to her and her alone. It's all about her needs and wants now, not mine, but it’s so damn hard to learn to be patient.
Anyway, thank you so much for your wonderful book and thanks for playing a part in helping us both discover and accept this really fantastic new spin on our relationship. Maybe relationships need to be reinvented every so often. For us this sure has been a supercharge!
WR
Ken responds…
You are right when you say “it’s all about her needs and wants now,” but you are also right when you say “it’s so damn hard to be patient.” However, patient is just what you need to be. Remember, you are so much happier now that she is in charge. Could you imagine going back to your relationship the way it was before?
The main thing that you two need is to continue to communicate. Emily, in reading your letter, suggests that your wife may find that the relationship works better when your wife makes an effort to get your input on decisions, etc. in the home rather than punishing you for letting your opinion me known. I would not personally presume to tell your wife what to do, but perhaps you should have a talk where you make it clear that the decisions are of course hers, but you would just like to have an opportunity to express your opinion – respectfully – as one data point for her to consider.
Finally, you seem very analytical. Do not worry about why this works, just know it does and be grateful you have discovered it. Sometimes we are too inquisitive for our own good.
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Dear Ken,
I’m remarrying at the end of the year. She is wonderful, but different (of course) than my late wife who — once she internalized the idea — took to a wife-led marriage like a duck to water. She realized that a wife-led marriage could be fun, and that she didn’t have to resort to stereotypical behavior associated with all the images of dominant women in popular culture which did not appeal to either of us anyway.
Anyway, I’m trying to figure out what to tell my fiancé. I won’t get into her past marriage except to say that she learned not to ask for much or even to expect it to be a co-partnership, much less wife led. It can be hard for her to tell me what’s on her mind, either because she doesn’t want to bother me or because “it’s not your problem.” I don’t mean to make it sound as if we don’t communicate, because we do. She’s still getting used to the idea that her husband (me, in four months) can be a source of support.
Apologies for unburdening and thanks so much for listening. I look forward to reading your book.
Best wishes to you both,
Paul
Ken responds…
While you look forward to reading our book, you should look forward to your fiancé reading it even more. It all begins with communication. As most men on this site understand, nothing will happen unless you bring up the conversation. Unburden to us all you want, but open up to your fiance as well.
Best of luck with your upcoming marriage.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
August 2007
Welcome to the August Updates
Welcome to the August updates. While we are fighting the heat and unusually busy demands of the season, we are aware that we are not the only ones distracted by the summer. So as always, we see modest traffic declines to our site in the summer months. This is also reflected in similar slumps in book sales, letters to our updates section and, to a degree, even the subject and tone of these letters. So this said, we hope that your commitment to moving forward with your female-led relationships remains strong and does not undergo the same seasonal declines. Loving female authority works best as a permanent, ongoing dynamic.
As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):
Emily Dot Addison At Gmail Dot Com
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Letters from Women
Emily,
It was about three months ago that something happened that initiated a series of events that ultimately led me to your site and your methods.
My husband and I both had pretty terrible weeks at work. We had planned on going out to dinner on that Friday night. We were planning on going to a special restaurant that I had really wanted to try, but he arrived home at 7:05, five minutes late for a 7:00 reservation all the way across town. He did not answer his cell phone during the hour prior to coming home.
Both of us are ordinarily very calm, collected people. I seldom show my temper. This night, however, it was different. He got home, and I let him have it. I told him that for now on, I was going to start getting more of what I wanted in the relationship. I told him I had been happy to let him make most of the decisions in the home, but now it was going to be different. I was going to be in charge.
To my surprise, he didn’t argue back. He just sat there. I became angry, I suppose, at the fact that he wasn’t engaging me. I told him to fix me some dinner and bring it to me in the bedroom. About thirty minutes later he came back into the bedroom with one of my favorite pasta dishes and a glass of wine. I was now sitting up in bed reading. He set the pasta and wine on the nightstand beside me. Then he went into the closet and picked up the hamper of dirty clothes. Without saying anything, he took it into the basement and got the laundry started.
When he came back upstairs he asked if there was anything else he could do. Now you have to understand that at this point I really didn’t know what was happening. I thought it most likely that he was going over the top as a spiteful reaction to my outburst. I really had no idea that he was a closet submissive and that my outburst had actually triggered something in him that he found irresistible. So again, thinking it was spite, I told him to go ahead and get some lotion to rub my feet. So there I was, eating dinner in bed while my husband sat at the foot of the bed rubbing lotion between my toes! I now was curious as to how far I could take this.
When I finished eating I took off my clothes and rolled over on my stomach telling him that I wanted a full body massage. This he did, but not before he dimmed the lights and lit a candle. I then said nothing as he gave me one of the best massages of my life. At this point, I didn’t care if it was spite or not, I was enjoying all this too much to complain. Later that night we made love (no orgasm management involved), and it was great. He was very generous, and as I recall, I had to pull him up from me so that we could move from his giving me oral sex to intercourse.
The following weeks saw a more moderated replay of that night. He had definitely changed attitudes. All he would say is that I was right, and he had been a little selfish in the relationship. Again, I didn’t care to delve any deeper as I was happy with the situation.
Shortly after all of this occurred; I went out of town with a girlfriend of mine for a baby shower of a mutual friend. On the ride up, I shared the story of my husband’s sudden change with my friend. She told me that she thought my husband was submissive. As I said, this had never occurred to me, but my friend was very serious. She did not have any personal experience with male submission, but she knew a friend that had once confided to her that they had a wife-led marriage. Her friend’s marriage was, quite frankly, much more intense that what your site seems to advise. It involved [all sort of activity]. I really didn’t think I was ready to hear about, and I didn’t know that my husband was either (although now I know that there is nothing related to this subject about which he did not know). She suggested I look up some stuff on the internet, and if I felt comfortable, she would even put me in touch with her friend.
The content I found on the internet wasn’t helpful at all as it was mostly pornography. Given that I got nowhere with the internet, my friend arranged a call with this other woman. She seemed perfectly nice, and we agreed to get together for lunch. My first impression was that she was normal. She was older than me, but she could have been the woman sitting next to me in church, or standing in front of me at the grocery store check-out. As I got to know her, I learned that she had been married for twenty-three years, but only leading a wife-led marriage for about the last four years. Before that, they had the same modestly dysfunctional, “Leave it to Beaver” marriage that most of us middle-class suburbanites have. He worked; she stayed home with the kids. When the last of the kids went off to college, they started getting a bit more creative in their sexuality, and that is when her husband told her about his interest in male submission. He had shown her [a different site], but suggested that I start by looking at yours. In listening to me, she agreed that my husband seemed to be submissive, and she thought I would be most comfortable starting, and maybe staying, with the model for loving female authority that you offer.
In her own marriage, she was not at all reluctant to try this with her husband. She does admit, however, that she misunderstood it at first. She believed it was just a sexual fantasy, and did not understand how deeply ingrained it was in his personality. She also admitted that she was surprised by how she had responded to his submission and her newfound authority. She has grown comfortable in her role in the relationship, and her expectations for his obedience have been matched only by her increasing willingness to explore new limits and push beyond her old inhibitions. I have since met her husband, and I can honestly tell you that they are among the happiest couples I have ever met, and their devotion to each other is amazing.
When I went home that day, I poured over your site. I read every last letter in your blog, and was determined to formalize my role in the marriage as you suggested. I bought my husband your book and had him read it. He pretended he was unfamiliar with your site, but I have since learned he was also a fan. The weekend after I gave him the book we had our own heart to heart about what my expectations would be for him for now on. He knelt in front of me to pleasure me, and this unselfish act seemed to give him his own pleasure that was almost narcotic.
That night, [we started orgasm management] and [I have had absolute control of his orgasms] ever since. We have experimented with techniques and activities we have found on other sites, but it is your fundamental principles that ground our relationship in love, trust and a commitment to each other’s happiness.
Thank you again, Emily, for everything that you do.
Beth in Western Pennsylvania
Emily responds…
Beth, your letter is beautiful and a light to others that seek the same happiness. Take this relationship wherever you want to go. Nobody knows what is best for you and your husband better than you.
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Dear Emily,
My husband bought me your book, and I reluctantly agreed to the boot camp. To my surprise, I really liked it. That is actually an understatement. I really loved it. My problem now is that he is not always as obedient as I would hope. There are little things like having to be reminded to get around to my laundry, vacuuming, etc. These I think I can deal with. But last weekend he went a little further.
I had left the house early on Saturday to go to a flea market with some friends. He wanted to go to the lake with a friend of his that had offered to take him and some other guys out skiing. I told him that this was fine with me so long as he finished some chores that I had given him to do. It was not much to do on the list. I asked him to pick up my dry cleaning, wash my car, and move some boxes from the garage to the basement. Well, when I got home, none of these things were done. He had gone to the lake without doing anything I asked, and he came home late. It was after dinner which caused me to have to prepare my own meal. Plus, the bed was not made and dirty dishes had been left in the sink.
I am curious as to how you would recommend that I should have responded to all of this.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
Sometimes it is difficult to control our tempers, and for me, this would have been one of those times. That said, I consider his behavior outrageous. He should obey every command to the best of his ability and never indulge his boyish desire to run off with his friends while your instructions go ignored. You had been very generous to allow him to go to the lake, and it sounds like your conditions were very reasonable. I get fed up very quickly with men that want loving female authority on their own terms.
So, tempers aside, let me tell you what I think you should have done given that your patience allows for a calm and collected attitude. I think that when your husband returned home, you should have calmly told him to go into the bedroom, remove his clothes, and return to kneel in front of you. You should have expressed your dissatisfaction in simple, straightforward terms. You should have reminded him that it was him who suggested a wife-led marriage, and that your expectations were that he would live up to his commitment to obey your authority in the home. You would also inform him that there will be consequences for his disobedience.
I believe that reasonable consequences include the following:
• He will not be permitted any outside activities for one month. If there was something coming up that he was really anticipating, this should definitely be taken away.
• For the next month, he will be expected to wake up one hour early every day, including weekends, so that he can do additional chores of your choosing.
• While you expect an increase in the number of massages and demands for oral intimacy from him over the next month, he can expect to receive no orgasms. I have already emailed you separately as to a way to be certain that he is not cheating on this requirement.
• He will keep a journal, beginning immediately, where he can write down his thoughts and feelings as the month progresses. You can pull this journal out in the future to remind him of his month of punishment if minor infractions begin to build.
Be very committed to following through on this discipline as it is really for his own good.
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
My wife and I have been experimenting with a female led marriage for about a year, off and on. The reason I am sending this message is because she would like advice in reference to discipline. She is very good at delegating tasks and showing disapproval, yet she is unsure of effective methods of discipline.
If you could advise us, it would be extremely helpful in our success.
Thank you,
Unsigned
Ken responds…..
First, I would suggest you take a look at the letter that Emily wrote in the “Letters from Women” section above that addresses this same topic. I have written my response below before seeing hers, and we decided to keep both in this update.
I suppose that even the most submissive male will occasionally try to get away with something. Perhaps he will sneak off to take orgasm management into his own hands, or maybe he will just be slack in his housework duties, or in a moment of frustration, forget his place in a conversation with his wife. Also, I have been involved with this site long enough to know that some men actually seek out the discipline of their wives. This is a part of their own submissive wiring and there is no doubt that the administering of discipline, regardless of the form, reinforces the hierarchy in the relationship in a way that many men find comforting.
Fortunately, discipline techniques can take on many roles and allow the wife a very wide range of options to fit her comfort level. We advise that most wives use the orgasm management process to reinforce discipline, but this is only a starting point. If she feels that this is not working, or worse, that her husband is manipulating her to modify the pace and pattern of the orgasms he is allowed to receive, then she should explore other options. Genuine behavioral changes are best made by taking away something important to the husband… perhaps a round of golf or the privilege of watching a favorite television show. More intense, and less conventional, forms of punishment might also be discussed. Some of these I would tend to classify as “recreational discipline” and are more about reinforcing roles than actually modifying behavior.
In any case, I feel that it is best for the relationship if the husband avoids the bad habit of actively seeking out discipline. We should all be obedient to the wishes our wives and genuinely accept their control. It is the sincere desire to serve reinforced by outward reminders of her authority and the careful moderation of our sexual release that is the underpinning of a successful female-led relationship.
-----
Dear Ken,
Okay, I'm starting to get it. My last email to you was a bit of a rant because things weren't progressing as I had hoped after giving my wife the AHF book and even confessing, although generically, my desires for her to be head of our household. Then when you posted my letter last month you warned me not to get ahead of myself. I know now that this is a slow process but my hard work is worth the effort. It's actually been four months since I started stealth submission and slowly brought the idea to my wife. We are moving forward and things are getting to where I think we would both be happier.
Thank you for your advice, I will take it slowly and not get discouraged (even though it is taking her forever to read the book!!)
Mark
Ken responds...
Thank you for the update. Please keep them coming. All wives are not going to be able to throw a switch and understand what has been inside your head forever, nevermind responding to it in the way that you seek. As you say, this takes time. Continue to be patient, but also be brave when she comes to you with questions. Let her know how important this is to you and make sure that you remain committed to her service and to improved communication so that she can see the benefits that it provides to her as well as you.
As she finishes reading the book, she will get more clarity. You are well on your way.
-----
Dear Ken,
My wife does not feel comfortable controlling my orgasms. I don't know if that is an accurate description or not. She is always wanting me to have one, but I am uncomfortable bringing up the fact that I think I climax too much since it is supposed to be her decision. She has been very receptive to the idea of taking complete control, but I am afraid she is missing out on some of the rewards that others benefit from.
I know not many males would see this as a problem but for some reason I do. I struggle with not making this about me, but this is a foundation in your book so I am confused.
Any advice would be welcomed.
Justin
Ken responds…
I do understand that women are uncomfortable with this element of loving female authority. Women, for all their wisdom and natural advantages over men, have a hard time understanding the impact that intimacy without orgasm has on men. They cannot be inside of our heads and understand the sudden, dramatic impact that a climax has on our brain chemistry. Our site tries to communicate this, and you have also tried to do so on your own, but absent this first hand understanding, I understand your wife’s reluctance.
I suggest a couple of things. One, the book and archives of this letters update include a number of ways to make management of orgasms into a bit of a game. These might make it a little easier for her to ease into the process. Also, the orgasm management panties (yes, I know that sounds crazy) that we were selling on Café Press are still available. You can find them here. We have gotten a surprising amount of positive feedback on these. She can just wear them, and without saying a word, let you know that she will be getting an orgasm and you will not. (Note that these are not on the standard Around Her Finger merchandise site which is located here.
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger.
Welcome to the August updates. While we are fighting the heat and unusually busy demands of the season, we are aware that we are not the only ones distracted by the summer. So as always, we see modest traffic declines to our site in the summer months. This is also reflected in similar slumps in book sales, letters to our updates section and, to a degree, even the subject and tone of these letters. So this said, we hope that your commitment to moving forward with your female-led relationships remains strong and does not undergo the same seasonal declines. Loving female authority works best as a permanent, ongoing dynamic.
As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):
Emily Dot Addison At Gmail Dot Com
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Letters from Women
Emily,
It was about three months ago that something happened that initiated a series of events that ultimately led me to your site and your methods.
My husband and I both had pretty terrible weeks at work. We had planned on going out to dinner on that Friday night. We were planning on going to a special restaurant that I had really wanted to try, but he arrived home at 7:05, five minutes late for a 7:00 reservation all the way across town. He did not answer his cell phone during the hour prior to coming home.
Both of us are ordinarily very calm, collected people. I seldom show my temper. This night, however, it was different. He got home, and I let him have it. I told him that for now on, I was going to start getting more of what I wanted in the relationship. I told him I had been happy to let him make most of the decisions in the home, but now it was going to be different. I was going to be in charge.
To my surprise, he didn’t argue back. He just sat there. I became angry, I suppose, at the fact that he wasn’t engaging me. I told him to fix me some dinner and bring it to me in the bedroom. About thirty minutes later he came back into the bedroom with one of my favorite pasta dishes and a glass of wine. I was now sitting up in bed reading. He set the pasta and wine on the nightstand beside me. Then he went into the closet and picked up the hamper of dirty clothes. Without saying anything, he took it into the basement and got the laundry started.
When he came back upstairs he asked if there was anything else he could do. Now you have to understand that at this point I really didn’t know what was happening. I thought it most likely that he was going over the top as a spiteful reaction to my outburst. I really had no idea that he was a closet submissive and that my outburst had actually triggered something in him that he found irresistible. So again, thinking it was spite, I told him to go ahead and get some lotion to rub my feet. So there I was, eating dinner in bed while my husband sat at the foot of the bed rubbing lotion between my toes! I now was curious as to how far I could take this.
When I finished eating I took off my clothes and rolled over on my stomach telling him that I wanted a full body massage. This he did, but not before he dimmed the lights and lit a candle. I then said nothing as he gave me one of the best massages of my life. At this point, I didn’t care if it was spite or not, I was enjoying all this too much to complain. Later that night we made love (no orgasm management involved), and it was great. He was very generous, and as I recall, I had to pull him up from me so that we could move from his giving me oral sex to intercourse.
The following weeks saw a more moderated replay of that night. He had definitely changed attitudes. All he would say is that I was right, and he had been a little selfish in the relationship. Again, I didn’t care to delve any deeper as I was happy with the situation.
Shortly after all of this occurred; I went out of town with a girlfriend of mine for a baby shower of a mutual friend. On the ride up, I shared the story of my husband’s sudden change with my friend. She told me that she thought my husband was submissive. As I said, this had never occurred to me, but my friend was very serious. She did not have any personal experience with male submission, but she knew a friend that had once confided to her that they had a wife-led marriage. Her friend’s marriage was, quite frankly, much more intense that what your site seems to advise. It involved [all sort of activity]. I really didn’t think I was ready to hear about, and I didn’t know that my husband was either (although now I know that there is nothing related to this subject about which he did not know). She suggested I look up some stuff on the internet, and if I felt comfortable, she would even put me in touch with her friend.
The content I found on the internet wasn’t helpful at all as it was mostly pornography. Given that I got nowhere with the internet, my friend arranged a call with this other woman. She seemed perfectly nice, and we agreed to get together for lunch. My first impression was that she was normal. She was older than me, but she could have been the woman sitting next to me in church, or standing in front of me at the grocery store check-out. As I got to know her, I learned that she had been married for twenty-three years, but only leading a wife-led marriage for about the last four years. Before that, they had the same modestly dysfunctional, “Leave it to Beaver” marriage that most of us middle-class suburbanites have. He worked; she stayed home with the kids. When the last of the kids went off to college, they started getting a bit more creative in their sexuality, and that is when her husband told her about his interest in male submission. He had shown her [a different site], but suggested that I start by looking at yours. In listening to me, she agreed that my husband seemed to be submissive, and she thought I would be most comfortable starting, and maybe staying, with the model for loving female authority that you offer.
In her own marriage, she was not at all reluctant to try this with her husband. She does admit, however, that she misunderstood it at first. She believed it was just a sexual fantasy, and did not understand how deeply ingrained it was in his personality. She also admitted that she was surprised by how she had responded to his submission and her newfound authority. She has grown comfortable in her role in the relationship, and her expectations for his obedience have been matched only by her increasing willingness to explore new limits and push beyond her old inhibitions. I have since met her husband, and I can honestly tell you that they are among the happiest couples I have ever met, and their devotion to each other is amazing.
When I went home that day, I poured over your site. I read every last letter in your blog, and was determined to formalize my role in the marriage as you suggested. I bought my husband your book and had him read it. He pretended he was unfamiliar with your site, but I have since learned he was also a fan. The weekend after I gave him the book we had our own heart to heart about what my expectations would be for him for now on. He knelt in front of me to pleasure me, and this unselfish act seemed to give him his own pleasure that was almost narcotic.
That night, [we started orgasm management] and [I have had absolute control of his orgasms] ever since. We have experimented with techniques and activities we have found on other sites, but it is your fundamental principles that ground our relationship in love, trust and a commitment to each other’s happiness.
Thank you again, Emily, for everything that you do.
Beth in Western Pennsylvania
Emily responds…
Beth, your letter is beautiful and a light to others that seek the same happiness. Take this relationship wherever you want to go. Nobody knows what is best for you and your husband better than you.
-----
Dear Emily,
My husband bought me your book, and I reluctantly agreed to the boot camp. To my surprise, I really liked it. That is actually an understatement. I really loved it. My problem now is that he is not always as obedient as I would hope. There are little things like having to be reminded to get around to my laundry, vacuuming, etc. These I think I can deal with. But last weekend he went a little further.
I had left the house early on Saturday to go to a flea market with some friends. He wanted to go to the lake with a friend of his that had offered to take him and some other guys out skiing. I told him that this was fine with me so long as he finished some chores that I had given him to do. It was not much to do on the list. I asked him to pick up my dry cleaning, wash my car, and move some boxes from the garage to the basement. Well, when I got home, none of these things were done. He had gone to the lake without doing anything I asked, and he came home late. It was after dinner which caused me to have to prepare my own meal. Plus, the bed was not made and dirty dishes had been left in the sink.
I am curious as to how you would recommend that I should have responded to all of this.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
Sometimes it is difficult to control our tempers, and for me, this would have been one of those times. That said, I consider his behavior outrageous. He should obey every command to the best of his ability and never indulge his boyish desire to run off with his friends while your instructions go ignored. You had been very generous to allow him to go to the lake, and it sounds like your conditions were very reasonable. I get fed up very quickly with men that want loving female authority on their own terms.
So, tempers aside, let me tell you what I think you should have done given that your patience allows for a calm and collected attitude. I think that when your husband returned home, you should have calmly told him to go into the bedroom, remove his clothes, and return to kneel in front of you. You should have expressed your dissatisfaction in simple, straightforward terms. You should have reminded him that it was him who suggested a wife-led marriage, and that your expectations were that he would live up to his commitment to obey your authority in the home. You would also inform him that there will be consequences for his disobedience.
I believe that reasonable consequences include the following:
• He will not be permitted any outside activities for one month. If there was something coming up that he was really anticipating, this should definitely be taken away.
• For the next month, he will be expected to wake up one hour early every day, including weekends, so that he can do additional chores of your choosing.
• While you expect an increase in the number of massages and demands for oral intimacy from him over the next month, he can expect to receive no orgasms. I have already emailed you separately as to a way to be certain that he is not cheating on this requirement.
• He will keep a journal, beginning immediately, where he can write down his thoughts and feelings as the month progresses. You can pull this journal out in the future to remind him of his month of punishment if minor infractions begin to build.
Be very committed to following through on this discipline as it is really for his own good.
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
My wife and I have been experimenting with a female led marriage for about a year, off and on. The reason I am sending this message is because she would like advice in reference to discipline. She is very good at delegating tasks and showing disapproval, yet she is unsure of effective methods of discipline.
If you could advise us, it would be extremely helpful in our success.
Thank you,
Unsigned
Ken responds…..
First, I would suggest you take a look at the letter that Emily wrote in the “Letters from Women” section above that addresses this same topic. I have written my response below before seeing hers, and we decided to keep both in this update.
I suppose that even the most submissive male will occasionally try to get away with something. Perhaps he will sneak off to take orgasm management into his own hands, or maybe he will just be slack in his housework duties, or in a moment of frustration, forget his place in a conversation with his wife. Also, I have been involved with this site long enough to know that some men actually seek out the discipline of their wives. This is a part of their own submissive wiring and there is no doubt that the administering of discipline, regardless of the form, reinforces the hierarchy in the relationship in a way that many men find comforting.
Fortunately, discipline techniques can take on many roles and allow the wife a very wide range of options to fit her comfort level. We advise that most wives use the orgasm management process to reinforce discipline, but this is only a starting point. If she feels that this is not working, or worse, that her husband is manipulating her to modify the pace and pattern of the orgasms he is allowed to receive, then she should explore other options. Genuine behavioral changes are best made by taking away something important to the husband… perhaps a round of golf or the privilege of watching a favorite television show. More intense, and less conventional, forms of punishment might also be discussed. Some of these I would tend to classify as “recreational discipline” and are more about reinforcing roles than actually modifying behavior.
In any case, I feel that it is best for the relationship if the husband avoids the bad habit of actively seeking out discipline. We should all be obedient to the wishes our wives and genuinely accept their control. It is the sincere desire to serve reinforced by outward reminders of her authority and the careful moderation of our sexual release that is the underpinning of a successful female-led relationship.
-----
Dear Ken,
Okay, I'm starting to get it. My last email to you was a bit of a rant because things weren't progressing as I had hoped after giving my wife the AHF book and even confessing, although generically, my desires for her to be head of our household. Then when you posted my letter last month you warned me not to get ahead of myself. I know now that this is a slow process but my hard work is worth the effort. It's actually been four months since I started stealth submission and slowly brought the idea to my wife. We are moving forward and things are getting to where I think we would both be happier.
Thank you for your advice, I will take it slowly and not get discouraged (even though it is taking her forever to read the book!!)
Mark
Ken responds...
Thank you for the update. Please keep them coming. All wives are not going to be able to throw a switch and understand what has been inside your head forever, nevermind responding to it in the way that you seek. As you say, this takes time. Continue to be patient, but also be brave when she comes to you with questions. Let her know how important this is to you and make sure that you remain committed to her service and to improved communication so that she can see the benefits that it provides to her as well as you.
As she finishes reading the book, she will get more clarity. You are well on your way.
-----
Dear Ken,
My wife does not feel comfortable controlling my orgasms. I don't know if that is an accurate description or not. She is always wanting me to have one, but I am uncomfortable bringing up the fact that I think I climax too much since it is supposed to be her decision. She has been very receptive to the idea of taking complete control, but I am afraid she is missing out on some of the rewards that others benefit from.
I know not many males would see this as a problem but for some reason I do. I struggle with not making this about me, but this is a foundation in your book so I am confused.
Any advice would be welcomed.
Justin
Ken responds…
I do understand that women are uncomfortable with this element of loving female authority. Women, for all their wisdom and natural advantages over men, have a hard time understanding the impact that intimacy without orgasm has on men. They cannot be inside of our heads and understand the sudden, dramatic impact that a climax has on our brain chemistry. Our site tries to communicate this, and you have also tried to do so on your own, but absent this first hand understanding, I understand your wife’s reluctance.
I suggest a couple of things. One, the book and archives of this letters update include a number of ways to make management of orgasms into a bit of a game. These might make it a little easier for her to ease into the process. Also, the orgasm management panties (yes, I know that sounds crazy) that we were selling on Café Press are still available. You can find them here. We have gotten a surprising amount of positive feedback on these. She can just wear them, and without saying a word, let you know that she will be getting an orgasm and you will not. (Note that these are not on the standard Around Her Finger merchandise site which is located here.
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger.
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